Whiskey and Wine
by Mrs Muir
Summary: Now Complete - Once upon a time there was a port in Sunnydale. Spike was a lonely sailor passing the time. Buffy worked laying whiskey down and loves the sailor. Will she win his heart from the sea or end up alone?
1. This Harbor Town

**Title:                Whiskey and Wine**

**Rating:             R**

**Disclaimer:      All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy and any other entities that can lay claim to them. Definitely not me though. However any original characters or places are mine.**

**Author's Note:  This is based on the song, 'Brandy' by Looking Glass. All song lyrics belong to them.**

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**Chapter 1 – This ****Harbor****Town**

_There's a port on a western bay_

_And it serves a hundred ships a day_

_Lonely sailors pass the time away_

_And talk about their homes_

_And there's a girl in this harbor town_

_And she works layin' whiskey down_

_They say, "Buffy, fetch another round"_

_She serves them whiskey and wine_

"Hey, Buffy, hurry up, girl," Arnie hollered. "We got customers waiting on ya."

"I'm moving" Buffy said, smiling up at her boss. "Did every damn ship have to come to port at one time?"

"It was the storm," Arnie said, pulling on the blonde's ponytail. "Just be thinking of all the money you'll make."

With a final smile, Buffy hoisted the tray onto her shoulder and made her way through the throng. She tried to ignore the occasional feels as she passed the sailors. For the most part they were good men, lonely and far from home, but there were always a few that went too far. That's why she didn't mind working at _The Edge of Paradise; Arnie always took care of his girls. As long as they worked hard and treated his customers well, he'd make sure none of the men went further then the girls wanted. _

Carefully, Buffy brought the tray down onto the table filled with some of her regulars. They all sailed on the _Darla_. The freighter hauled goods from Europe and the orient to the small port in Sunnydale and would be distributed all over the western coast of the United States. She laid the whiskey down in front of Angel, the draft of Michelob in front of Xander, the bottle of Budweiser in front of Wesley and the bourbon on the rocks in front of the only man she hadn't met yet. 

From the moment they had walked in with hearty hellos for her, the newcomer had been staring at her. It was making her nervous as she hurried around doing her job. The intensity of those blue eyes made her feel as if he knew her every secret and her every desire. Few really knew her, and everyone else knew just what she wanted them to know. Forcing a smile she glanced at everyone.

"Need anything else, guys?" 

Xander looped an arm around her hips affectionately. "Buffy, my girl, I think that's it."

"Isn't anyone going to introduce me?" The stranger asked in an out of place British accent. His eyes boldly stared into hers until she flushed and looked away.

"Buffy, this is Spike, one of the newbies but he's cool," Xander said.

"Hi, Spike," Buffy said, making eye contact with him again. "Welcome to The Edge. If you need anything let me know."

"I'm sure I will," Spike answered.

As she walked away, Buffy could hear Angel warning Spike to leave her alone. It was the protective warning of an older brother for his sister. They'd been friends since childhood along with Xander and Wesley. And once she'd even dated Angel but it was something that just wasn't meant to be. They'd broken up when he started his life on the sea. She'd never date a sailor, they were never around and a broken heart was the last thing she needed in her life. She served them their drinks, smiled prettily, flirted a little and collected her tips. It was all she wanted. And it was all she could handle. 

_The sailors say,"Buffy, you're a fine girl"_

_What a good wife you would be_

_Yeah your eyes could steal a sailor from the sea"_

~~~~~~~~~

The pretty little blonde was hustling her ass off and never stopped smiling once. She carried trays of drinks that had to weigh more than her tiny body would soaking wet. Spike couldn't stop himself from staring at her. He knew from the guys that she wasn't _that kind of girl_ and to leave her alone. He also knew they weren't just blowing smoke out his ass. It was there in her eyes, an innate innocence in spite of all the ugliness around her.

His tablemates were slowly drifting off as they went home or to be with their girls. Spike stayed where he was. Unlike his shipmates he was new to this town and other than sitting here watching Buffy his only alternative was that he could return to the ship to read. Whores and prostitutes weren't his style and he was still nursing the broken heart that had sent him to sea in the first place. Drusilla had walloped a mighty punch when she kicked him out and he was trying to outrun his memories. So, far it was without much success.

A pair of tan legs came into view and his eyes slowly followed it over the tiny black shorts that hugged Buffy's hips, to a flat stomach, rested for a moment on the white t-shirt pulled tight over perfect breasts right on up to a pissed off expression. He smiled. She didn't.

"Do you want another one?" Buffy asked.

"Drink or look?"

"I'll ring up your total," Buffy said, turning to leave.

"I'm sorry," Spike said. "I'm a bad rude man for admiring your beauty and should be seriously flogged for it. I once again offer my humble apologies."

It earned him a smile accompanied by the rolling of her eyes. At least she wasn't angry anymore. He rolled his shoulders and weighed his options. With a sigh he looked up at her and shook his head.

"Total," he said. "Don't want to be hurtin' in the morning."

"Give me just a minute and I'll be back," Buffy said, still smiling.

Spike watched as she strolled away. Her hips swayed in time to the music coming from the jukebox in the corner as she crossed the floor. He wondered why she was working in a place like this but wasn't that what every man said about a pretty girl that appeared to be still innocent. It wasn't his business and he swallowed the last of his drink. His finger ran around the rim of the glass while he compared Drusilla, his dark princess, to the sunny light of Buffy. He wondered if their personalities were as contrasting as their looks. 

He sighed. He didn't want involvement and Buffy wasn't the kind of girl you took to a motel so it didn't even bear thinking about. Except he hadn't enjoyed the company of a pretty girl in a long time and the little blonde waitress was making him think about breaking his own rules. His quarrel with himself was interrupted by a commotion a couple of tables away.  

"Oh, come on, girl, quit being so prissy," a drunken old man was saying as he held Buffy on his lap. He was trying to kiss her and she was struggling against him. 

Spike didn't hesitate. The chair was thrown to the floor in his sudden movement to help the girl. She looked scared and was frantically looking around for someone to help her. Arnie had disappeared off the floor.  A piteous cry was uttered when a rough hand was clamped on her breast.

"Look, mate, she said no, so let her go," Spike growled, towering over the pair.

The drunk locked eyes with him and pushed Buffy off of him. She stumbled, clearly shaken, and it was only Spike's arm that prevented her from falling. He held her against him for a moment as she regained her composure.

"You okay, Lamb?"

She nodded, pulling away from him and straightening her clothes. He turned to the man as he pulled bills from his pocket to pay for his drinks and Spike plucked a ten from the pile and handed it to Buffy.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Her eyes were flashing fire at him as she grabbed the ten and handed it back to the customer.

"Was trying to help, Pet," Spike said, perplexed by her behavior. As far as he was concerned the old man owed her something for his attempt to accost her.

"I'm not your pet," Buffy snapped. "Thank you for helping me but I don't want anything from him."

She counted out change and dropped it in the man's hand. He turned and left the bar. As soon as the door closed behind him, Buffy let out a deep breath. Spike wasn't sure if she was mad at him or if it had been a backlash of her other emotions. Deciding not to push his luck he returned to his table and righted the chair. 

"I'm sorry," a small voice said behind him. Buffy was standing there and was fidgeting. "I appreciate you helping me."

"You're welcome," Spike answered. "My mother taught me to always come to lady's aid."

"She taught you well," Buffy said, a grin had returned to her face. She reached into her pocket and pulled out his tab. "Do you want me to wait or…?"

"I've got it."

Spike reached into his pocket and after glancing at the total handed her some bills.

"Let me go and get some more change," Buffy said, turning away from him.

"If you don't have a problem with tips in general keep the change."

It was his turn to smile as she looked back at him. Her eyes were filled with uncertainty at his teasing but around the edges was something else. He recognized it and his grin widened at the thought that she found him attractive. Lust flooded his body as he wondered what it would be like to hold her and kiss her. She must have sensed his interest because she straightened up and whatever he had seen in her eyes was gone.

"Thank you. Again," Buffy said. "Have a good evening."

Spike had been dismissed. He tilted his head and saluted her.

"Thank you," Spike answered. "Maybe we will meet again."

Without waiting for a reply he left the bar. Thanks to Drusilla he knew he wasn't that great of a catch. That was one of the reasons he had gone to sea in the first place. To remove himself from any temptation of giving his heart away. And the first time that he had been in the least bit tempted he had been slapped back into place. 

At the corner Spike paused to light a cigarette and heard a noise. He looked around but didn't see anyone however something was telling him to be careful. A laugh coming from the bar's entrance made him turn around and he saw Buffy waving good-bye to some other waitresses. Something wasn't right and after the incident with the old man he didn't feel right leaving her to get home alone. Spike ran to catch up to her and as soon as he got close enough to her, Buffy turned and swung. Her fist connected with his chin and he fell on his ass.

"Bloody hell, woman," Spike snarled, looking up at her. "I was trying to help you."  
  


"And like I said I appreciated your help but that doesn't give you the right to stalk me or assume that I want you in my life."

"I wasn't assuming anything," Spike said, rubbing his chin and standing up. "I was heading back to the ship and something wasn't feeling right. So, I came back to check on ya."

"Oh," Buffy said, stepping closer. Her fingers brushed his aside to inspect the damage. "You'll live. And that's not a very original pick up line."

Spike's stomach was tied in knots from her gentle touch. And his lower extremities were paying attention to the exchange trying to decide if they should be paying closer attention. 

"It's not a pick up line," Spike grumbled, locating and grounding out his cigarette. "Like I said I was getting warning bells and I was worried about you."

Spike looked up and she was still standing close to him. He could smell her shampoo, the hint of alcohol and smoke from the bar and a scent that was pure woman. His lower extremities stopped waiting for further encouragement and started to stir on their own. Her head was tilted back as she studied him and giving up he took a step back. She laughed and he knew he had been had. Buffy wasn't as innocent as she seemed. 

"You were worried about little old me?" Buffy asked, her eyelids batting in rapid motions that gave away her sarcasm. "Were you going to be my big old hero and come swooping in to save me? Now, just where did you park that white charger of yours?"

"Fine, next time I won't care if some big, nasty beastie eats you alive."

His duster flew behind him as he stomped away from her. Yeah, he wanted her. Wanted her so bad that he would give up his self-proclaimed vow at celibacy just to be able to taste those little cupid bow lips. But that hadn't been his motivation when he had come after her. It was totally honorable. Now, if he known she had the punch of a damn prize fighter he would have left that curvy behind to deal with whatever baddies were out there on her own. 

"Spike, wait up," Buffy called.

He ignored her and kept walking. A hand curled around his arm and he slowed down a little. He glanced down at her and faltered. Something had spooked her. Buffy looked behind her and was jogging to keep up with his pace. Spike slowed down.

"See something back there?"

"That guy from the bar was hanging out in the alley," Buffy explained. "Maybe I should have listened to you."

"Maybe," Spike commented. "So, are you going back to the ship with me since that is where I am heading?"

Buffy stopped and chewed her lower lip. Spike almost groaned and asked if he could do it instead. It took her a couple of seconds and a few quick looks between him and the empty sidewalk behind them. Finally she sighed and looked up at him.

"Would you mind walking me home?"

Feeling like he had pulled off a coup he nodded his head, bent his elbow and held his arm out to her. Her hand returned to the offered limb and he was given an appreciative smile at his playing the hero after all. Maybe things were looking up after all and he wondered if he was going to get a good night kiss for this.

_To be continued…_


	2. Pass the Time Away

**Chapter 2 – Pass the Time Away**

Spike was getting dizzy; seriously dizzy, as he watched Buffy's fork swing and slash through the space around her head. He rested his chin on his palm and tried to concentrate on her mouth instead but that lead to things he didn't really want to think about just yet. So, his gaze moved upwards to her eyes. They sparkled even in the light of the dingy diner as she told him about his shipmates. It seemed she had known most of them for years.

"So, Wesley was broken hearted when Fred married Charles and moved to Los Angeles," Buffy said, taking a breath than another bite of her cherry pie a la mode. 

Her tongue darted out to catch a drop of vanilla ice cream at the corner of her mouth and Spike fidgeted in his seat. He wondered how anyone could be as sexy as Buffy was yet be totally unaffected by it. Most of the women he knew were trying to fit into a certain ideal of sexy and always fell short. Buffy was a natural even as he had watched her consume a bacon cheeseburger, french fries and now a piece of pie. And she ate it all without a whimper of how it would affect her weight. 

"Angel said that the two of you dated," Spike hinted, hoping she would let him know how tight the bond was between them. And that would let him know how seriously he had to take Angel's warnings to stay away from her.

"Yeah. We did in high school," Buffy answered, putting her fork down. "It was more because neither of us was dating anyone else at the time and we didn't want to go through senior year activities alone. We broke up two weeks after graduation when he signed onto the _Darla_."

"I take it the two of you have known each other for quite awhile."

"I've known Angel and Faith, his sister, my whole life," Buffy answered, dipping into the melting ice cream with her finger and licking it clean. "My parents are friends with his parents."

That was his answer. Stay away, far away from Buffy or he'd have a whole community down on his head. Spike leaned back in the booth and contemplated the petite blonde across from him. He figured it was a shame that he couldn't pursue a mutually satisfactory sexual relationship with her. With her innate sensuality he'd bet she was a firecracker in bed. 

May as well take a nibble before he threw her back and he grabbed her hand as she went for more ice cream. Those green eyes grew wider the closer he brought her finger to his mouth. She didn't pull back as his lips closed over her vanilla flavored index finger and sucked it deep into his mouth. She whimpered and he wanted to growl in manly pride as he teased that digit with his tongue. Maybe she was worth the trouble.

"I thought I told you to stay away from her," Angel said, breaking the spell between them.

There was a small popping noise as Buffy pulled her finger from his mouth. She turned a bright red as she ducked her head.

"Somebody was following her home," Spike explained, smirking up at his shipmate. "I protected her. She was hungry and I was feeding her."

"Looked more like she was feeding you," Angel snapped, grabbing Buffy's arm and pulling her out of the booth. "Sit over there."

Spike ignored Buffy's request for him to move over as she slid in next to him. Her body was painfully only about an inch away from him. It was so close but yet too far away. After seeing Buffy trying to keep from touching him and Angel glaring at him, Spike gave up, turned slightly until he was tucked in the corner with his arm along the back of the booth. The silky strands of her hair brushed against his fingers when she moved and it was enough for now. 

"Spike, I'd like you to meet Faith, Angel's sister," Buffy said. "Faith this is Spike."

For the first time Spike looked at the pretty brunette that had slid in beside Angel. He'd figure that she was Angel's date for the evening and wasn't worth paying attention to. 

"Nice to meet you, Faith," Spike said, smiling and nodding at her. 

"Hello," Faith purred, leaning on her forearms so that her breasts almost tumbled from her top. "Angel didn't tell me that he had someone new on the crew."

"Yep, signed on when they were in England a month ago," Spike said,  

"Welcome to Sunnydale. So, you played Buffy's hero tonight?"

"Something like that. Not that she needs it," Spike said, rubbing the bruise on his chin from Buffy's punch.

"Sorry about that," Buffy said, smiling up at him.

"What did you do to make her punch you?" Angel asked, looking even more pissed than he had before. "Are you all right, Buffy?"

"I'm fine, Angel. Calm down," Buffy explained. "There was a creep at the bar tonight and Spike was trying to keep the guy from following me. I thought he was the creep therefore the bruise on his chin."

"Most action you've seen in a while, huh, B? Did the creep ask you for a date and you freaked out because it's been awhile since you've been asked?"

The tension between the two girls was getting thicker by the moment. Spike considered intervening on Buffy's behalf but waited. He wanted to see how much fire she really had. Besides Angel was rolling his eyes indicating that this was an old fight and he didn't even want to deal with it. Spike smirked as Buffy sat up straighter and her eyes were shooting sparks now. This was going to be good, a little catfight to add to an already interesting Saturday night. And he thought he was going to be bored when he came ashore.

"Well, at least I don't have a sign out saying open slip for any ship that wants one," Buffy volleyed. "Free by the hour."

There was an indelicate snort to accompany an eye roll from Faith. Her arms crossed under her breasts as she leaned back in the booth. A hair toss and she was ready.

"At least I know how to keep a man happy so he doesn't stray."

"You don't keep them long enough for them to stray," Buffy declared after taking a deep breath. Her fingers were planted on the edge of the table. "You just send them home to their wives and girlfriends when you're done."

"Don't blame that on me," Faith spat. "Riley would never have come to me if you'd unclench those legs of yours."

"Faith," Angel interrupted, "Shut up now."

This wasn't just a tiff between old friends because Buffy's eyes were filling up with tears. Faith had drawn blood and was going to go for the kill. She leaned on the table again, picked up Buffy's discarded fork and dove into her pie spearing a cherry. The small fruit was waved under Spike's nose.

"That's right, sailor, any action you were hoping of getting, you won't," Faith taunted. "Buffy is just one little cherry pie. Aren't ya B?"

Buffy was humiliated. Her face was a deep red as she fought back the tears that glistened on her eyelashes. Spike had definite empathy for her. The pain had to be similar to when his first girlfriend had dumped him in front of everyone at a party. He sighed and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. His knuckles caressed her cheek before looking at the girl he wished wasn't Angel's sister so he could say what he really wanted to say. 

"I think it's admirable when a woman holds her virtue in high regard," Spike said softly, his hand rested on Buffy's shoulder now. "A girl like that is a rare find and the bloke who eventually wins Buffy's heart and body is very lucky. Now, if the two of you will excuse us, I'm going to walk her home."

"We'll talk later," Angel said.  
  
"Right then," Spike said. "Good night to you both and it was nice to have met you Faith."

Once they were outside, Buffy slipped her hand into his as they walked toward her house. He wasn't sure what she meant by it except maybe thanks. She didn't say a word and seemed lost in thought somewhere and he was content to let her be. 

"Here we are," Buffy said.

Surprised that they were there, Spike looked up and found that they were standing in front of a bookstore. The sign said, _Giles New and Used Books_, and underneath that was printed the words, _Rare and Collectible Books Our Specialty._

"You live in a bookstore?"

"No," Buffy said, smiling. "It's my father's store. We live in an apartment on the second floor."

"Ah, that's convenient."

She moved to the first step on the staircase and seemed to be waiting. Spike looked at her for a moment before realizing she was waiting for a good night kiss. He had wanted it earlier but now he was reluctant to take what she was offering. Buffy deserved someone who would love and cherish her. He wasn't that guy even if she was looking at him like he was her hero, even if he had been taking care of her all night and it had felt good. Good to be her protector and even better to be at her side. Spike took her hands in his and hated the crestfallen look on her face as if she knew what he was going to say.

"Take a deep breath, Luv."

For a moment she looked at him like he was crazy but then with a smile did as he requested.

"What do you smell?"

"Besides you," Buffy said, with a laugh. "The ocean."

"I like you, Pet, I really do but that's got first claim on me. It was a choice I had to make to survive. My life, my lover and my lady _is the sea."_

Her fingers drifted along his cheeks and slowly one outlined his lips. She nodded as her hand fell to her side again.

"I understand," Buffy whispered. "I don't date sailors."

Relief flooded him as he grinned up at her. No histrionics, or guilt, just understanding from someone who knew sailors too well to ever try to make a land grubber out of them. All he had to do was turn and walk away. There wouldn't be any hard feelings between them. This night would just be a pleasant interlude for them to talk about when the _Darla_ returned. 

And for some reason he didn't understand he heard himself ask, "So, do you want to go to the movies this afternoon?" 

To further confuse the decision they had just made, Buffy didn't turn him down. She agreed and told him to be there by one before she ran up the stairs and into the apartment. Spike was excited and figuring out how long before he'd see her again as he headed back to the ship.

_To be continued…_


	3. A Summer's Day

**Chapter 3 – A Summer's Day**

Buffy snatched the phone off the cradle and tucked it between her shoulder and ear. Turning back to the mirror she held the two blouses up again and contemplated how she would look in them.

"Hello," she said, wincing when she heard how exasperated she sounded.

"Now, now, Buffy," Angel said. "Is that anyway to answer the phone? What if it was your date calling to confirm times?"

For a moment she was speechless and then irritation crept in. Of course, Angel would find out. He had said that he would talk to Spike after he dropped her off. Sighing, her hands dropped as she prepared herself for the lecture about to happen.

"It's not a date. We're just going to the movies together."

The man had the audacity to laugh at her and Buffy wished she could reach through the phone and choke him. It wasn't any of his business anyway.

"What's in your hands?" Angel asked the smugness of knowing her too well coating his question.

"Blouses," Buffy said, giving up any pretence that she wasn't nervous about seeing Angel's shipmate again.

"Uh huh, and what's on the bed?"

Guilty as charged. Her blonde mane flowed over her shoulders as Buffy turned to look at her bed.

"Clothes," Buffy whispered, refusing to admit that half her closet had already been discarded.

"And do you go through this much trouble when you go to the movies with me or Willow or any of your other assorted friends?"

"You wasted your talents by not becoming a lawyer," Buffy said, throwing the garments in her hands onto the pile. "Do you have a point with this phone call or is it just a torture call?"

Deciding that Angel was right about the clothes issue, Buffy grabbed her favorite pair of worn jeans from the dresser. She and Spike had talked like adults. They were friends. She would dress comfortably and not try to impress him.

"No," Angel said. "I wasn't torturing you. You were torturing you by wasting hours getting ready to go out on a non-date."

"I'm a girl and I like to look pretty."

"You could wear a gunny sack and still be beautiful," Angel said. "Look, you shouldn't go out with him."

"Why?" Buffy asked. She reached for her make up bag. "Is he an axe murderer? A blood sucking fiend? Wanted in thirty states? Give me one good reason why not?"

"He'll break your heart, honey," Angel said. A loud sigh reached her ears and Buffy knew that Angel was honestly worried about her. "He's a pretty decent guy as far as sailors go. He works hard, a little impulsive sometimes, but always does what needs to be done. We talk on that ship. There's not a lot of us so we get to know each other pretty well. He's still yearning for a woman that doesn't want him. And as wonderful as you are I don't think that you can steal him away from the sea."

"It's not a date," Buffy reminded him while trying to remind herself. Spike was the first guy in a long time that made her sit up and take notice. She felt safe around him and he had defended her to Faith which was a big deal. Angel was one of her best friends but Faith was his sister and in the end would come first. Riley had cheated on her with the brunette leaving Buffy feeling like she wasn't woman enough for anyone. For a long time after that Buffy didn't even want to date anyone. Their meeting had to be fate. Sighing, she accepted that her heart was stirring again. "Angel, I know. I know. He told me straight up that he belonged to the sea. But I'm…"

"Lonely, I know. Just be careful, okay? And I'll go ahead and stock up on tissues. By the way you'd better hurry he should be there any second."

"How do you know?"

"Caught up with him after he left you last night and invited him to stay at my parent's house," Angel confessed with no remorse in his voice. "Figured that way I could keep tabs on what's going on."

"Bastard," Buffy muttered, clicking the phone off and threw it in the direction of the bed.

Now, she just needed to decide which blouse to wear. The sound of knocking on the door cut her deliberations short and she grabbed a baby blue pullover. She decided it would have to do as she dug under her bed to find her shoes. 

"Buffy," Her mother called. "Spike is here."

Whether she was ready or not it was show time.

~~~~~~~~~

His hands were empty. Spike stared at them for a second before remembering this wasn't a date. You didn't have to bring flowers and candy for a friend. He knocked on the door and while he waited he tried to check out his reflection. Yep, he was still athletic and good looking. Not that it mattered, he and Buffy were friends. Right, maybe if he kept telling himself than one day he might believe he had no interest in shagging the girl. 

The door was opened. His eyes fell from where he was expecting Buffy's face to be to the older woman in a wheelchair that was staring at him in amusement. 

"Hi, I'm Spike."

"I'm Joyce, Buffy's mother. Come on in." 

She rolled back into the living room as he stepped into the apartment. The kitchen, dining room and living room were all in one large area. The kitchen with breakfast bar was to his left, the dining table to his right and the living area was in front of him. It wasn't anything fancy but homey and comfortable. The right wall had floor to ceiling shelves that were filled to overflowing with books. 

"You have a nice home," Spike said honestly. It was the kind of place where people were welcome and you were considered family.  

"Thank you," Joyce said, gesturing for him to take a seat, "It's home."

"Convenient too, Buffy said that you owned the bookstore downstairs."

"Yeah, it works out."

"Hi," Buffy said, standing in the hall entry way. 

She looked nervous as she looked at him and when he stared for too long she dropped her eyes shyly. 

"Hey yourself," Spike said, standing again. "Ready?"

"Yeah, I'm ready," Buffy said, walking over to her mother. "We'll be back…after the movie?" She turned to him because they hadn't made any plans for afterwards. 

"I was thinking dinner and the works if you want to."

Maybe she wanted to come home right away. Maybe she was only going because she felt sorry for the sailor without any plans. Spike wanted to kick himself for making himself so vulnerable.

"Okay," Buffy answered, a little breathless. "I'd like to."

There was that look again. The one that said she wanted to believe he was her prince. What had he been thinking? Dinner and the works? Just declare yourself on the market. The desire to be with her as much as possible was warring with the warning bells that told him to run. 

"Sweetie, I hate to ask," Joyce said. "Can you run an errand for me between the movie and dinner? Your father is going to be tied up at the shop all day and we need a few things from the store."

Buffy looked at him waiting for him to let her know if it was all right.

"No problem," Spike said, turning to Joyce with a smile. "Why don't we get stuff for dinner too and we'll cook."

He felt a twinge of guilt when disappointment flickered across Buffy's face for an instant. The voice telling him to run was getting louder and this way he could be with her without putting them in a situation neither was ready for. 

"Uh, Buffy and cooking are very unmixy," Buffy said, the smile returning to her face. "We can get something from the deli or something."

Pasting on his come hither smile, he, oh so casually, put his arm around her shoulder and squeezed her.

"I can cook and since I don't have an apartment here in town this is the only way I can impress you with my skills."

Cooking was one skill he could impress her with. The _other _skill he wanted to impress her with had been effectively pushed into the background with Faith's announcement last night.

"Are you sure?" Joyce asked. "Buffy's friends are always welcome but this is your first…"

"That will be great," Buffy interrupted. "Where's your list?"

Spike hid his smile as Buffy fluttered about getting the list and money. At least he wasn't the only one that was having a problem with the whole affair. In a matter of moments they were out the door and on their way. Thankfully everything in Sunnydale was within walking distance otherwise they wouldn't be going anywhere.  They picked a neutral comedy to see and loaded up on popcorn and drinks before settling into Buffy approved seats.  In the middle of the row halfway back. If he had his way they would have been in a rear row taking advantage of the disappearing armrest. 

~~~~~~~~

"Popcorn?" Buffy asked, holding the bucket out for him. 

His slim fingers grabbed a handful of the buttery treat. Buffy watched wondering what it would be like to have those hands sliding over her body. She swallowed and reached for her drink hoping the icy liquid would cool her off. Spike shifted in his seat so they were touching from shoulder to elbow. Glancing down she realized that if she moved her thigh just an inch to the left their legs would be touching too. A thrill ran through her and Buffy took a deep breath working up the courage to move when someone sat next to her.

"Want some JuJufruits?" Angel asked, settling down into the seat next to her and held her favorite movie candy out to her.

It couldn't be but it was. Buffy blinked her eyes a couple of times hoping he would magically disappear. He didn't. Spike sighed and leaned his head back against the seat. Deciding to ignore her friend and hopefully gain support from his date, Buffy leaned forward and smiled.

"Hi, Cordelia, how are you?"

"I was fine until I was dragged in here. All I've heard today is Buffy this and Buffy that," the pretty brunette said, reluctantly returning the smile. "I told him he wasn't welcome here but you know Angel. He always knows what's best."

Realizing it was hopeless and Angel wasn't going to leave, Buffy sat back and stared daggers at her friend. She batted away the box of candy that he was still waving in front of her. Once in her life she wanted the people around her to realize that she was an adult. There were times it was great to be surrounded by family that took care of her and supported her but this was not one of them. Maybe she wanted to let go of the good girl and see what happened. She couldn't do it with her stalker friend tagging along.

"Leave us alone," Buffy said, trying one last time to get her point across. "Take your girlfriend and go away."

"I was worried that you wouldn't get your JuJufruits," Angel said, his eyes wide in pretend innocence. "You get cranky when you don't get your candy."

Great now he was talking to her like she was four. Buffy glanced to her left and Spike looked pissed as he stared at the blank screen. He had pulled away from her and she knew he was regretting asking her out.  She didn't blame him. This was ridiculous. With Angel chaperoning she felt fourteen instead of twenty-three.  Between Angel and Faith she'd never get a chance to experience anything she was missing out on. Taking a deep breath for courage, she took Spike's arm and pulled it around her shoulders. The armrest was pushed up and she snuggled against the blonde's side. He froze for a second then grinned down at her as he pulled her closer to him. She rested her hand on his thigh and turned to look at Angel.

"No, I'll get cranky if I don't get Spike."

Spike and Cordelia laughed. Angel looked ready to kill before sitting back and staring straight ahead. Buffy hated upsetting him but it was worth it as her body registered being up against a lean, muscled, and very male body. Every nerve in her body screamed in pleasure at touching him. No man in her life had ever made her feel so sexual with just a cuddle. The thought of doing anything more with him sent a rush of arousal through her. And she had to cross her legs to try and ease the tingling feeling between them. 

_Calm down, this was supposed to be a just friends get together_, Buffy told herself and hoped that he didn't let go of her anytime soon.

Trying to appear as if this wasn't doing wild things to her libido, Buffy returned to eating her popcorn. Angel slid the box of candy on her lap. It was true. Ever since they were kids she always had to have a box of the fruit flavored sweets to get her through the movies. The popcorn never lasted with her appetite. She forgave Angel because she knew even in his overbearing way he was trying to look out for her. Mouthing the word 'please' at him, Buffy turned her 'begging' eyes at him and stuck out her lower lip. Angel gave her one last look of warning and stood. Cordelia and he ended up sitting on the other end of the theater from them.  

"You sure he's not in love with you?" Spike asked, after the other couple left. "Because he's acting awfully jealous for someone who says he's just a friend."

"No, we're not in love," Buffy said. "He just knows me better than anyone else."

His cerulean eyes studied her face for a moment. She smiled at him hoping to ease any lingering doubts he had. It was hard to explain that it was always Angel who picked up the pieces of her life when it fell apart. And Angel would be the one to listen to her cry and hold her when Spike was gone. Already she knew she was going to be hurt because this time she wasn't going to run away. This time Buffy was going to let her feelings lead the way. Even if it was with someone who already said he loved something more than he could ever love her.

The lights dimmed and the previews started. Spike settled her closer to him and Buffy knew she was exactly where she wanted to be. She pushed aside the threat of future pain and concentrated on enjoying the moment.

_To be continued…_


	4. Best to Understand

**Chapter 4 – Best to Understand**

It felt good to hold Buffy's hand. The tiny appendage was warm and soft wrapped around his. It didn't cling or clutch at his but rather nestled there as if it belonged. And the feeling scared him to death. Which was actually rather odd considering having her body plastered to his throughout the movie was something he'd enjoyed. Of course, he'd been concentrating on her tits and ass and not on the romantic feeling that holding her hand gave him. He'd probably be lost if he kissed her. 

Spike sighed.

"Everything okay?" Buffy asked, swinging their hands as they walked. 

They had decided to walk through the park since they had a little time to kill. It was still the middle of the afternoon and Buffy said dinner was usually at seven. So, here they were strolling through the park acting like lovers, looking like lovers, just like a dozen other couples around them. It was a bright and sunny afternoon. Exactly the perfect kind of day for romance and falling in love if that was what you wanted.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Spike answered, stealing a sidelong glance at her. Not that he could read any emotions in those emerald orbs because she was hiding them behind sunglasses. Every time he looked at her all he could see was the panic he was fighting.

But Buffy seemed happy.  Why shouldn't she? She was being treated like a princess by a guy who had sworn that he didn't want relationship. If only she wasn't a virgin. He'd have taken her by now and been done with it. Scratched his itch and moved on. Yeah, that was soddin' likely. She was like a sugar high that you never wanted to come down from. 

Now he was getting sappy. Pretty soon he'd be writing bloody awful poetry acclaiming her beauty and purity. His shipmates would make him a laughing stock for it. It was just because he hadn't been with anyone in a while. It was sexual frustration. Spike didn't even want to ask himself why he was with a virgin if all he needed was to get laid.  All she would give him would be more time with his hand.

Spike needed to stop this thinking. Glancing up he spotted the playground and headed for it. Buffy yelped when he pulled her off the sidewalk and he halted a second to let her get her bearings. His arm wrapped around her and they took off again. The ground was uneven and he didn't want her to fall so he kept her close beside him. 

"Do you want to play?"

"Don't you?" Spike asked his eyebrows waggling as he led her to the merry-go-round. "Ladies first."

Buffy looked at him like he was crazy for a second then shrugged her shoulders and climbed on. She leaned her bottom on the center and clutched the two bars in front of her. At his inquiry as to if she was ready or not, she nodded and gave him the thumbs up signal. He pushed it slowly at first, watching as Buffy leaned back. The golden hues of her hair danced in the wind as she spun in circles and the sun sparkled off the shiny strands. His lower extremities tightened as he stared at her. He pushed it faster, and Buffy was only a blur as she sped past. Needing to stay with her, almost afraid she'd disappear, Spike jumped onto the spinning wheel. 

She laughed at his antics when he appeared above her. It was crazy. He hung onto the bars, staring down at her as the world spun by. Screaming, he threw his head back and laughed with her. It was pretty sad to say this was the most fun he'd had in years. 

Buffy pushed against him and stood. "Let's jump," She coaxed as she made her way to the edge. Her hand pulled on his and he joined her on the precipice, waiting to leap until she screamed, "Now."

They landed in a heap on the ground, too wobbly to stand. She rolled off of him, lying on her side and giggling. Spike lay on his back watching the trees and sky, tilt and spin, as the dizziness played havoc with his senses.

"Lord, Pet, haven't done that in a while."

"I haven't either," Buffy said scooting until her back was against his side and her head rested on his outstretched arm. "But I will definitely add it to the things I need to do more often. It was fun."

"Fun, eh, almost as much fun as…"

"Orgasms?" 

"Well, yeah," Spike said, wondering how she knew. "Have you ever had one?"

"I'm a virgin not a nun," Buffy indignantly said. "So, have you?"

"Have I what?"

"Had an orgasm?"

She was joking right. Spike raised his head to look at her. Her cheeks were tinged pink but yeah, she was serious. 

"Not quite sure," Spike said deciding to tease her. "I think I may have had a few here and there. Do you want to help me make sure?"

"If you couldn't tell then that's your problem," Buffy primly answered before bursting into another fit of giggles. She quieted down after a few seconds. "Spike, what made you go to sea?"

"A woman," Spike answered. If nothing else he would be honest with her. No games to muck this up. His fingers played with the golden locks strewn across his chest. "Her name was Drusilla. She was my dark princess and taught me everything about being a man. Met her when I was in college and her band came to play at the pub where I hung out. She asked me to join them and I did. Wasn't happy much in the life I was leading anyway; hanging out with an uppity crowd that I never really did fit in with. She ended up breaking my heart."

"I'm sorry," Buffy said. "But why become a sailor? Why not go back to college?"

"When I found out she was seeing someone else, I was a long way from home in a seaside village. I took to bartending and one day this bloke came in and said that his ship was hiring. I applied, got the job and as they say, the rest is history."

"How long you been sailing?"

"Almost three years now. No regrets, no relationships except with the sea. It suits me fine."

Spike figured there would be a lot more questions after his last statement. Most of the women he met tried to argue him out of his decision. A challenge was what he was and few females could resist. But the more they tried, the more he retreated until celibacy had become a part of life. He didn't like sex with strangers and few women wanted to be a port of call so he remained alone. 

Buffy remained silent which surprised him but she was a girl who knew the way of life. Maybe she understood that few men ever gave up sailing to remain on land once it was in his blood. 

"What happened to your Mum?" Spike asked, ready for the attention to be off of him. When Joyce had answered the door earlier, he had been surprised by the wheelchair. It had been with great effort that he had prevented himself from gawking at her. "Has she always been in a chair?"

"No, she hasn't," Buffy said, sadness lacing her words. She pulled away from him, pushing her sunglasses atop her head and sat cross legged next to him. "I was almost twenty when it happened. She was coming home from work and this guy ran a stop sign. Broadsided her and she was trapped in the car for a couple of hours before they could untangle everything. By the time they did, her legs were useless."

"She seems to have adjusted well."

Buffy nodded. "It was a nightmare. My parents had standard insurance but there was no way it could cover the cost of everything she needed. The asshole that hit her didn't have any so it was up to us. We sold the house to cover the medical bills and we now live in what used to be the storage room for the bookstore. I quit college so I could work and help with the expenses."

"Damn, that must have been hard on you."

"My parents are great and I've never regretted doing it."

"Where did this Riley come into the picture?"

"Second asshole in my life," Buffy said. She laughed without mirth and wiped a tear away before it could fall. "I was dating him when everything else fell apart. I thought he was the one. The all American boy, dependable and strong until I found out he was fucking Faith. I wasn't there enough for him. It was such bullshit."

"He didn't deserve you."

"Thanks, but he didn't think that way."

Silence fell between them for a few minutes as they digested what they had learned about the other. Spike couldn't help but like Buffy. In spite of everything she had been through she seemed determined to make it and smile while doing it. It was a rare trait to find in people and he was glad that Riley hadn't been her first. His betrayal would have left her scarred in a way that would have made it difficult for her to trust men again. Spike vowed that he would do everything he could to prevent from hurting her in anyway. Buffy deserved more than that.

Standing, he dusted off his clothes before reaching a hand out to her. She smiled up at him and trustingly put her hand in his. Yeah, it was nice holding her hand, he decided. 

~~~~~~~~~

"And that's the last one," Buffy said, handing him a glass with one hand and unplugging the sink with the other. 

She watched as he rinsed it and placed it up ended in the drainer. Dinner had been a success. Spike really could cook and every morsel of the roasted chicken with a lemon-herb sauce had been eaten. He was comfortable in the kitchen and had somehow had gotten her to serve as his first mate. She had learned to mix sauces and dressings under his direction. Her parents had raved about it and she knew they liked him. 

Her father, Rupert Giles, had been ecstatic to find someone new to discuss literature with. He and Spike had argued the finer points of everything from the romantic poets to the latest Michael Crichton novel. Her mother had joined in on a few of the discussions and even managed to get Buffy involved. Growing up with a bookstore owner and an art appraiser had left Buffy educated beyond what the public school system had taught her. 

Yep, things were going well even if Buffy hadn't had a chance to have a candlelit dinner for two. Just knowing that Spike was comfortable with her parents gave him huge bonus points. Her Mom and Dad were more than her parents, they were her friends, and anyone that would get close to her would have to meet with their approval. And already Buffy knew she wanted to be close to Spike. Very close. 

Buffy was broken out of her reverie when Spike tugged the dish towel from her hand. He dried his hands on it and hung it back on the handle of the oven. Another bonus point and she sighed before smiling at him. She was in trouble. She knew it but it didn't seem to matter as this gorgeous blonde seemed to fill the space around her.

"I need to get going," Spike said, stepping closer to her. "We have to report back to the ship by six and I need a few hours of shut eye."

"Okay," Buffy said, vowing to be understanding and non-clingy about this. Angel always complained when Cordelia whined and bitched when he left her again. He said that sometimes it made him not even want to come back to her. So, she'd make sure that Spike was given something good to remember her by. "I'll walk you out?"

He nodded but his eyes didn't hold that expectant look she was hoping for. It was more of a trapped look but he hid it behind a smile of his own. He stepped around the counter and went to speak to her parents. Always polite he thanked them for letting him have dinner with them, engaged in a few words of small talk and shook both their hands before he headed for the front door. Buffy trotted along behind him since he didn't seem to be waiting for her.

"Spike," Buffy called, wincing as a small bit of a whine tainted his name. _Stop that. Be grown up. No clinging, she admonished herself. "Sorry," she claimed when he stopped at the bottom of the stairs. She studied those bottomless blue eyes for a moment and saw the panic again. She stopped a few steps up to give him space. "I have a tendency to call Angel with a whine." She laughed hoping he'd join her but only got a small smile. "I just wanted to say thank you for everything today. It's cliché but I had a good time." He was studying her now and butterflies were flapping madly in her belly. "I hope that everything goes good on this run. Good night."_

"Not so fast," Spike said, wrapping his fingers around her wrist. He tugged her down until they were eye to eye. "I had a good time too. I just…oh, hell, Buffy…" His hands moved to her waist and lifted her against him.

_Oh my God, he's going to kiss, yes; he's going to kiss me, Spike lips, lips of Spike, yes…_

"I'm not going to kiss you."

_Damn it._

"You're not," Buffy whispered and even she could hear her disappointment. "Why not?"

She was set down in front of him and she nestled closer to him. Her hands settled on his waist as she tilted her head to look up at him. Deliberately, she ran her tongue over her lips hoping to entice him and he laughed. Well, not really laughed, but kind of chortled. Okay, fine it had been a long time but did he have to be rude about her lack of feminine wiles. 

Spike bent closer to her, running his cheek along hers, until those lips were right next to her ear. "Because I think it would have different meanings to both of us," Spike whispered, his breath tickling her lobe before he caught it in his teeth.

"Oh," Buffy exclaimed letting her weight fall against him. Her fingers clutched at his shoulders as he suckled at her tender flesh igniting something within her. She wanted to ask if he wasn't going to kiss her then why was he doing this. 

And why was he doing _that_?

His hands slipped beneath her shirt, fingers splaying across her bare back, before running upwards. She shivered as fingers slipped beneath her bra strap and for one panicked moment she thought he was going to take if off. But he didn't. Those long, slim digits slid along underneath the lacy garment to the side of her breasts. His lips had been busy along with his fingers drifting down her neck. Never kissing; never puckering up just making lazy trails across her flesh. 

No one, not Riley, not Angel had made her feel like this. Making out with them had been fun, pleasant and warm, but they had never made her burn like Spike. Buffy wiggled closer to him as his fingers made themselves at home along her waist. Teasing her flesh into quivering want as she waited and wondered where he would take her next. 

Spike pulled back for a second, almost asking a question when he looked into her eyes. She must have given him the response he wanted. Maybe it was her face flushed with passion or her breath coming in tiny gasps. Whatever it was, his lips continued their exploration on the other side of her neck and shoulders. 

Never in her life had she felt such a desire to be taken. The tingling between her legs had become an aching need. Tired of his leisurely exploration, she pulled his t-shirt from his waistband. Her hands didn't ponder. They plundered. Running along his back, over his chest, fingernails flicking at his nipples and running over his hard abs. He shivered and she smiled in satisfaction that he wasn't as unaffected by her as he pretended. 

Buffy mewled when Spike rubbed himself against her belly sending shockwaves through her body. The yearning for more was too intense. Instinctively her leg bent and her knee rubbed along his leg, higher until it was hooked over his hip. Better, much better, as his hardened length was positioned right where she wanted him.

"Oh, Spike," Buffy sighed as she rubbed against him. It was such a delicious feeling as her body responded to a primal need for this male. Everything was drifting away…

Her father coughed. She froze, Spike froze. 

They both looked around and realized that they were standing in the light at the bottom of the stairs. Her father was still inside but all he had to do was look outside to see what they were doing. Or anyone walking by for that matter. 

Buffy was afraid to look at Spike. Afraid of seeing what he must think of her acting so wanton after knowing him so short of a time. Shame burned her cheeks as she started to move away from him. 

"Not so fast kitten," Spike said. His hands slid along the back of her thighs so he could pick her up. She wrapped her legs around him and buried her face in his neck. "We're not done yet."

She looked up when she felt a wall against her back. They were behind the stairs, hidden away amongst the shadows. "Now where were we?" Her fingers slid into his hair, trying to pull him into a kiss but he resisted. "No kissing, remember?"

"I need to," Buffy said honestly. "I want to kiss you so badly."

"They're the start of something we're not sure about," Spike whispered, his lips returning to her flesh. His tongue darted out to taste her sending her back to a place where she couldn't think. Only feel. She didn't know what his game was but she wanted to play. "Let me make you feel good."

"You do, like I'm on fire," Buffy said.

Spike leaned forward, pressing against her, directly against the swollen, dripping apex of her thighs. Buffy wanted to rip their clothes and feel all of him. This time he was the one to move against her until she was panting. Her nails were digging into his back. She wanted it. It started in her belly, growing, expanding, until she was shaking against him. His fingers slipped between them, pushing against her and she exploded, biting into his shoulder to keep from crying out.

It took her a few moments to come down. She clung to him as his hands stroked her and he whispered how beautiful she was. With a dawning awareness that nothing was ever going to be the same for her; she unhooked her legs and slid to the ground. She'd had what she thought was orgasms before but nothing had ever felt like this. Nothing had prepared her for the rapture that had taken over not only her body but her heart and soul as well. Hoping her feelings weren't clearly written on her face she stepped back and looked up at him. 

_Please don't be all arrogant about it. Please don't be laughing at the silly virgin. Please._

Spike wasn't. His expression was tender and sweet as he gazed at her. His hand cupped her cheek and she leaned into it. Wanting him to feel as good as she was, her hands went to his belt buckle but he stopped her.

"No, I don't want you to go further than you're ready for."

"Huh?" 

It wasn't the brightest question in the world. But that had thrown her off. No kisses because they started relationships, no giving him manual or oral pleasure because it might take her further than she wanted to go. But it was all right to dry hump her against a wall until her whole view of the world changed. 

"Luv, I know it doesn't make sense to you but trust me," Spike said, taking her hand. "I've lived a little longer than you have and might know a few more things. You're special and I know that I'm not the one for you. You need and deserve a man who'll love you with everything he is. This," he stopped and looked around for a second, "us, it would be so easy for us to burn out of control. And I'm not sure if that's what you really want or if you're just getting swept along. Either way I want you to be sure. We're going to be gone for almost six weeks. Think about it. Go on some dates, have some fun, don't just wait for me to come back."

"Egotistical much?" Buffy asked, pulling away from him. But she couldn't really argue with him because he was right. "What was that?" Her hand waved toward the wall behind him.

Spike sighed. "That was because when I get close to you I feel like I'm drowning. You're sunshine and home. If you end up deciding this was it, I wanted to tempt the waters and feel what it would be like to let the rip tide carry me away, just once."

"Go then," Buffy said, hugging him. There wasn't anything else to say. If she tried to push then he'd run.  "Be safe and I'll see you when you get back. We'll talk but if nothing else than friends, okay?"

"Yeah," Spike agreed, pulling her tight against him. "Take care of yourself too."

Then he was gone, his strides were long and determined, taking him further away. She watched until he turned the corner, waving at each other one last time.

"You're wrong, Spike," Buffy whispered to herself. "You're the man for me and I'm going find a way to win your heart away from the sea."

_To be continued…_


	5. Sailor Stories

**Chapter 5 – Sailor Stories**

Spike could offer up a thousand excuses and nothing would ease his guilt.

He rode out the last seconds of his orgasm before moving off of the pretty blonde that he'd just had sex with. Rolling onto his back he closed his eyes for a moment and tried to chase away his repulsion. He could feel Harmony shifting beside him and he sat up before she could curl around him. He stood and made his way to the bathroom. 

Harmony leaned back against the pillows and lit a cigarette. "You were really good."

"Thanks," Spike muttered, splashing cold water on his face. 

It wasn't supposed to be like this. For weeks now he'd been trying to erase the memory of another blonde and her big green eyes. He'd jerked off more times since he'd left Sunnydale than he had since he'd left England the first time. And every time he wrapped his hands around himself he'd try to think of any woman who'd ever turned him on but it was always Buffy that took him over the edge. He was beginning to think he was a pervert of some kind. A virgin junkie and only she'd take the craving away.

The ship was docked in Hong Kong picking up a load of computer parts. When the crew had finished their job early and everything was double checked, their captain had given them the night off. Spike hadn't stayed with the other men and had gone off alone to…yeah; he'd gone off to do this. A premeditated one night stand to see if it could accomplish what his hand couldn't. 

There was a night club that he knew from previous visits where a lot of Americans and English hung out. It wasn't hard to find someone. He'd been offered plenty before but this was the first time he'd accepted. Harmony seemed like a nice enough girl but it wasn't her personality that had attracted him. She was blonde, petite, with hazel eyes, a resemblance to the one he was trying to forget.  A few drinks, a little conversation, a couple of dances and she'd invited him back to her apartment. 

And as they say the rest was history…

Harmony was still splayed out on the bed totally comfortable in her nudity. Her eyes flickered over him and he ignored her as he searched for his jeans. 

"Is your ship leaving tonight?"

"First thing in the morning," Spike said, fastening his pants and reaching over her for his shirt. He sighed when she tugged him down on the bed. He didn't want to do this as she pulled him to her for a kiss. Her tongue slipped into his mouth demanding a response and he was tempted to stay. His body was satisfied. It was his heart that was having trouble with this.  "I'm sorry, Harm, I can't stay. I have to be back at midnight."

She flopped on her back. Her eyes narrowing as she studied him.

"Guys like you shouldn't cheat.  You get too guilt ridden."

"I'm not cheating on anyone," Spike said, pulling his socks and boots on. "Not married and don't have a girlfriend." _Yet._

Harmony laughed, "There's someone, I can tell. You won't hurt my feelings. My boyfriend took off for some software convention. I get my revenge by picking up strangers and no guilt bothers me. So, who is she?"

"Just a girl I met."

"Just? I don't think so," Harmony said, standing and pulling on her own clothes. "She has you turned inside out already."

Spike didn't answer. If he did then he'd have to admit that Buffy was consuming him. That was the last thing he wanted. His heart wasn't going to get broken again. He was going to remain committed to the sea and he'd just refuse to get off the ship next time they pulled into the _Darla's_ home port. The crew wasn't allowed to bring 'dates' on board so if he didn't go ashore there was no way that he could be tempted again.

"Come on, blondie bear," Harmony said, picking up her keys. "I'll give you a ride back to the docks. You won't make curfew on time otherwise."

The ride was made without a lot of conversation which was fine with Spike. There were too many things on his mind other than being sociable.  Why couldn't he like Harmony more? The relationship would be just what he was looking for. Friendship, fun, sex and the bonus was she already had a boyfriend so there would be none of those looks. The ones he wanted to drown in that said be my prince and I'll treat you like a king. There wouldn't be any touches that promised they'd burn like an out of control wildfire. 

He sighed as he leaned back on the headrest. He just hoped that Buffy had forgotten him by the time he got back. Problem solved and he wouldn't have to be a jerk to accomplish it. A few more weeks working hard, inhaling the salt air with no land in sight and he'd forget her.

"You're not going to forget her," Harmony said, pulling to a stop beside his pier. When he wondered how she knew what he was thinking she added, "You've got that 'I'm fighting it' look. Give in and see where it goes. She might be the one."

Spike leaned over kissed her lightly. He knew better than to say he was sorry for using her. He was just one in a long string of guys that Harm used to get her kicks. It was too bad she didn't take her own advice.

"Take care, Luv," Spike whispered. "It was good and that was the problem."

"Well, yeah, did you expect it to be bad?" Harmony said, stretching her body out as much as she could in the tight confines of the car. She winked and shooed him out. "Take care yourself."

She was gone in a roar of the finely tuned sports car she drove. Shaking his head, Spike headed to his quarters. He still had a couple of weeks before they returned to Sunnydale and tonight was his secret. No one knew what had happened and maybe by the time they'd return to Sunnydale he'd know what to do. He opened the door and stepped into the cabin he shared with Xander. It was dark and he reached for the light switch. He was grabbed before he could touch it and was pushed against the wall. The light turned on and Spike groaned as he found it was Angel holding him. Xander and Wesley were on either side of him.

"I told you," Angel growled. "That if you hurt Buffy I'd kill you…"

_Oh, bollocks…_

~~~~~~~~

Buffy slit the carton open before settling on the floor. She was helping her father out by unpacking some new books and redoing the shelves so they'd fit. It wasn't the best way to spend an afternoon but Willow was going to be helping her so at least the time would pass as they talked.

Her best female friend sat next to her. Buffy knew people thought she was a lunatic by labeling Willow her best female friend and Angel her best male friend but it made sense to her. It also kept the competition level down between them. Willow was for one set of conversations and Angel was for another. 

"_The Secret Art of Orgasms," Willow read the title of the book they were shelving in the self help section. Her fingers fanned it and she grinned as she found the illustrations. "Step by step instructions on making the most of oral sex."_

"Maybe you should buy a copy and share with Tara," Buffy said dryly, removing several other books that weren't selling from the shelf.

"She doesn't need it," Willow said, giggling. "Why did your father order this? Do you think that it's going to sell when this one didn't?" She pointed to the copies of 'Getting the Love You Want' that would end up in the discount bin.

Buffy shrugged. "I have no idea. He studies the statistics on what sells and orders. I only read, shelf and occasionally cashier."

"Read? You read this stuff?"

"Why not?" Buffy asked with a smirk. "Who knows one day the knowledge might come in handy?"

"You're not…are you? You are," Willow squealed as she put the pieces together. She had received a phone the night Spike left and had been filled in on everything. 

Everything except the decision that Spike was the man she wanted to spend her life with. No one knew that. Just like no one knew about the visit to her doctor a few days after he left and the prescription for little pills she was now popping every day. It was such a big step in her life but she'd been uncomfortable talking to anyone about it. Knowing her friends and family they'd either throw a party to celebrate or lock in her in a convent before anything could happen. It was also hard to tell anyone when she and Spike weren't even a couple yet. They weren't anything yet.

"I don't know," Buffy answered, trying to backtrack. "He's hot and he makes me hot." She rose to her knees to move some of the older books to a lower shelf. "He treats me good. Better than anyone has in a long but he says he doesn't want a relationship." She sighed. "And I don't know if I can be with him without a relationship."

"And there's this thing about not getting any younger," Willow said, handing her the new books to put on the upper shelf. "Buffy, at some point you need to take the plunge. I'm excited that you are even thinking about it."

"Why thank you, oh sage advisor," Buffy said, grinning at her friend. "It is a long time coming."

They both giggled as they stood again. It took them only a few minutes for them to clean up. Buffy took the books bound to be sold at any price to the front to be marked while Willow took the carton with the excess books to the back. Her mind and body was at definite odds about making a decision. It was the level of turmoil that had driven her to the doctor. She already knew how much she wanted him. They both knew that from the episode in the alley. If things had been different, more time and a bit of privacy, she knew she would have let him make love to her. Have sex with her, whatever, she wouldn't have said no and damn the consequences. 

After stacking the books on the counter, a magazine caught her eye and she leafed through it. She was staring at a dress that took her breath away when Willow came back and she shoved the magazine back into place.

"Oh, Buffy," Willow said. "You are in trouble."

_Guilty as charged_, she thought as her fingers let go of the latest copy of _Brides_ magazine.  

~~~~~~~~~~

The best defense was the best offence and Spike pushed Angel away from him.

"I haven't done anything to Buffy," Spike said, pushing aside his guilt. Technically there wasn't anything to feel guilty about. "I didn't make her any promises. I told her that there wasn't anything going to happen between us and that I didn't want a relationship."

That should do it. He covered all the bases in less than thirty seconds. He should have been off the hook except he found himself pinned against the wall again with Angel breathing in his face. It wouldn't matter what he did or say, if Buffy was unhappy it was going to be his fault.

"Go ahead and make excuses," Angel said. "I know the truth. We followed you and saw you take off with the little blonde."

"And like I said, I didn't make Buffy any promises. I even told her to go date someone else and forget about the likes of me."

It was their faces, the closing of eyes or the shaking of heads that told him something was very wrong with what he'd said. Angel let go of him and stepped back. 

"Buffy does date, doesn't she?" Spike asked. "She has to date, right? I mean a girl looking as good as she does and working in a bar has to get around a little. Even if she is well…you know." He raised his hands in surrender as Angel loomed toward him again. "You're bloody kidding me, aren't you?"

"You were the first one in almost five months," Xander said. 

"And in the last year there have only been a few," Wesley added.

"Ever since Riley, she's been really gun shy," Angel said. "She always finds fault with everyone."

Spike closed his eyes and let the truth wash over him. He was a complete idiot. He should have run when his instincts had told him to. 

_Damn it, Buffy, what the hell have you done to me?_

It wasn't really what she done to him but what he'd done to her. If he'd just listened to Angel instead of his damn dick he wouldn't be in this situation. But no, he had to play hero, act the knight and be all honorable which only made the whole scenario more romantic. He'd seen it in her eyes but figured if he said the words it would make it all better. That she'd forget all about the likes of him while he was gone.

_Yeah, like I forgot all about her._

Spike pounded the back of his head against the wall before sliding to the floor. He reeked of Harmony and could feel her sweat and body fluids sticking to his skin. If he hadn't felt guilty before he was drowning in it now.

"Go ahead and beat me," Spike said, defeated. "I didn't know."

"I told you to watch it," Angel snarled, hauling him up and slamming back against the wall. "I told you not to mess with her." He pulled Spike forward and slammed him again. "I trusted you with my best friend."

"Why didn't you do anything with her?" Spike asked, suddenly curious to find out more about Buffy's past. "She was your girlfriend for a year. Are you…?"

"Am I what?"

"You know…fruity?"

Angel shoved his forearm against his throat and Spike struggled to breath for a second. It was a legitimate question because Spike knew if he'd been with her for a month much less a year that he'd be all over her. Hell, he couldn't be with her for twelve hours without doing things he shouldn't have done. How could anyone be kissing her and touching her without taking it all the way?

"No, I _care about her," Angel snarled, the implication clear that Spike didn't. "I wasn't going to do something that we couldn't come back from."_

Stars were starting to dance in front of his face as the lack of oxygen became obvious when Angel released him. Spike shook his head trying to clear it as he slid down the wall again. 

"Well, you don't have to worry about Buffy and me anymore," Spike said. "When I tell her this, she won't have anything to do with me."

"Depends on how far gone she already is," Xander said, sitting on one of the bunks. "She's a big person on forgiveness. Well, except for Faith and Riley."

"Did you ever date her?" Spike asked.

"Nah, Faith and I just had a one night thing," Xander said and laughed. "Steered me round those curves when I got lost."

"I meant Buffy," Spike said, turning to look at Angel. "You didn't kill him for that?"

Angel shrugged. "She's my sister but I'm not blind to the fact she's gets around."

Wesley looked away pain clearly written on his face. 

"You like her don't you?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, if she'd settle down and quit trying to be a bad ass, I'd give her the one thing she's looking for." Wesley explained, his heart proudly hanging on his sleeve. "It's hard to wait for someone, knowing you love them and just hoping that they'll realize they love you too."

It was his two cents on the Buffy issue. Spike nodded his head to show he got the message, "So, you two never dated Buffy or anything then?" Xander had answered but he wanted to be sure on the anything bit. 

The two men shook their heads and Spike sighed in relief. It was bad enough thinking about Angel being with her but if everywhere he looked there was another of her cast offs, he'd think he'd go insane. 

"Let me get this thing straight, Buffy dated Angel in high school and she dated Riley in college and has only had a few dates since," Spike said, trying to figure everything out. Somewhere he'd forgotten that he was supposed to be running from her. That the last thing he wanted was a relationship with her.

"Well, she was dating Scott in sophomore year and part of her junior year in high school," Xander said. "I was going out with Cordy then and Willow was with Oz so we'd triple date."

"You went out with Cordy?" Spike asked in surprise. This was getting interesting. 

"Yeah, until I got stupid," Xander said, looking down at his interlocked hands. "She and Oz caught me kissing Willow."

"That's Buffy's other best friend? The female one?" Spike asked, looking to Angel for confirmation.  The other man nodded and he snickered.  "You both dated Cordelia. That's rich."

"Well, so did Wesley," Xander piped up.

"Did not," Wesley said, sitting up straighter. "Kissed her once and took her to Prom and that was it."

"Did you end up dating Willow then?" 

"No," Xander said. "Angel took her out once or twice but she fell in love with Tara and been with her ever since."

"She's gay now?"

"Yes, she is," Angel said, leaning back and crossing his arms. "Let me clarify everything for you. Cordelia dated Xander, dumped him when he cheated on her, test drove Wesley, found that didn't work, flew solo for awhile and in the last six months has been dating me. Faith had sex with Xander which by the way was his first time, dated around, seduced Riley and has been running from Wesley ever since. Willow dated Oz, fooled around with Xander, dated me and is now in a committed relationship with Tara. Buffy dated Scott for awhile, was bored, dumped him, dated me for a year, we broke up, met Riley, dated him for a year until he cheated on her and has been running from men in general ever since. Anya moved to Sunnydale in senior year and has been with Xander ever since. That's the background on the women in our lives. At least the ones that count anyway."

Spike was hysterically laughing now. Sunnydale could rival the antics on Dawson's Creek any day.  

"Oh my God," Spike said, wiping tears from his eyes. "I guess you all do need some new blood in town so the gene pool doesn't totally mutate."

He couldn't have. Spike sat up straighter as the connotation of his words sunk in. He just implied he wanted to make babies with Buffy and it hadn't gone unnoticed by his three companions. Wesley smiled, Xander snickered and Angel glowered at him. Closing his eyes, Spike leaned against the wall.

_He was sunk._

_To be continued…_


	6. An Honest Man

**Chapter 6 – An Honest Man**

Buffy was tingling all over with excitement. 

She was almost dancing as she worked her tables. It had been six weeks since she had seen Spike and the _Darla_ had pulled into port that afternoon. She knew that the ship's cargo had to be unloaded and then prepared for the next load before the crew would be released. Even if he didn't come to 'see' her, she knew Spike would be with the others for the first drink in home port. It was tradition. Angel and his 'boys' would come to the Edge; toast their successful run before dispersing for home or wherever they were crashing. They had their own table and it was always her that served them. All of them were superstitious enough to believe that if they didn't follow the pattern then bad luck would befall them on their next run. 

So, she knew that any time now they would walk through the door and she was beside herself waiting for them. Her clothes for the night had been carefully chosen to be a mixture of girly innocence but sexy enough for Spike to take notice. She was wearing white denim shorts that barely covered her butt and a pink top that crossed under her breasts to tie in the back. And with her push up bra, she was proud to say, she had cleavage. 

The door opened and loud voices heralded their arrival. Buffy hurried to the bar to put in their drink orders because it was always the same. She glanced up when her friends grew silent as they made their way to their table. Angel smiled at her but the others wouldn't even look at her. Spike gave her a quick once over, took his seat and stared steadfast at the tabletop. Tears filled her eyes because it could mean only one thing. 

Spike didn't want to see her anymore.

She blinked back her tears and picked up the tray Arnie pushed her way. She wouldn't let them see her hurt. She wouldn't give Spike the satisfaction.

"Hey, guys," Buffy said, smiling and passing out their drinks.  "How was the run?"

"It was good," Angel said, while the others murmured their agreement. "How are you doing?"

"It's been good since you've been gone."

_Take that Mr. William 'Spike' Nagle_, Buffy thought as she pranced away from their table. 

The next hour passed by quickly as other crews was let off and they headed for the nearest bar to relax. Buffy wasn't able to stop by Angel's table for any idle conversation as she hustled from the bar to her station. Looking up to see if they needed another round she saw that Xander and Wesley had disappeared. Angel was leaning on the table and seemed to be threatening Spike. He caught her watching them and made his way toward her.

"Is everything all right?" 

"Look, it's between you and Spike," Angel said, putting his hands up. "I know, you can yell at me tomorrow but you need to talk to him first."

"He doesn't want to see me anymore, does he?" Buffy asked feeling like her heart was breaking. She was so sure that if she believed hard enough it would all work out. 

"Honey, he'd be a fool to want that," Angel said, hugging her. "Just talk to him, okay?"

Buffy nodded and watched him leave. She sighed, turning to go back to work and ran right into Spike. His hands grabbed her arms.

"You all right there?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Buffy said and tried to duck away but he kept his grip on her. She arched her eyebrow, tilting her head as she waited.

"Look, we need to talk. May I walk you home when your shift is over?"

"If you're going to tell me that you don't want to see me anymore, just say it. I don't need a let down speech, where you tell me what a great girl I am and how any man would be lucky to have me but not you, just spare me, please."

Spike chuckled and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.  "Well, cutie, you are and they would be but that isn't what I wanted to talk you about."

"Oh, then sorry about that speech," Buffy said. "You know me…"

"Not yet," Spike said, almost growling. "But I want to."

The tingling returned and Buffy couldn't help but smile up at him. Whatever he wanted to tell her couldn't be that bad, could it? She walked away, making her hips sway a little more than normal and looked back over her shoulder to make sure he was watching. He was. The rest of the night passed in a blur of anticipation. Spike sat at the bar, near where the girls picked up and deposited their trays, so she saw him every few minutes. And every time she did, she noticed he had a full glass of bourbon in front of him. She just hoped he wasn't too drunk for them to talk.

Finally it was closing time and she hurried through her portion of the clean up so she could leave. Spike had gone outside to smoke a cigarette while he waited for her. She put the last chair up on the table, grabbed her purse, told Arnie she was gone and went to meet her fate. 

"Oh, give me a break," Buffy muttered when she saw Spike napping on the bench outside. He was leaning against the wall, his hands interlocked over his stomach, and his legs stretched out in front of him. She shook his shoulder. "Spike, wake up." His head lolled but he didn't stir and she shook him harder and started to sing-song, "Wake up, Spike, wake up. Can't sleep out here all night, come on, come on, wake up."

Suddenly Spike shot up, trying to stand straight but his body kept swaying. "Angel, I'm awake, I'm awake. What's the problem? Are we leaking oil again?" He shook his head as he looked around. 

"No, but you're drunk," Buffy said, leaning back on one foot as her arms crossed. "Whatever you wanted to talk to me about must have been really important."

At least he had the decency to look sheepish. Spike tried to lean toward her but stumbled and Buffy had to grab him to keep him from crashing to the ground.

"Sorry, pet, I'm not a nice man. You should run far, far away from me," Spike whispered, the smell of bourbon heavy on his breath. "Do you know you look good enough to eat? I bet you'd be as sweet as candy."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Guess what? You don't get to take a taste not smelling like that."

"Damn, messed this all up," Spike said clutching his head with one hand while the other rested on his stomach. "I don't feel too good. Everything is spinning."

"Damn is right," Buffy said, hoping that one of his crew mates would come by and take care of him. She wasn't really sure what she should do with him. "Are you staying with Angel?" She asked, taking the bull by the horn.

"Can't go there like this," Spike said. "Have to go the ship but need to walk you home first. Sober me right up with the exercise and fresh air."

"Whatever," Buffy said, walking off. After a few steps she noticed that he wasn't following and turned to see what he was doing. He was sitting on the ground. "Spike," she wailed. "Why are you doing this to me?"

Spike fell back with his arms splayed out on the sidewalk. "It's all going round and round, dizzy," he broke out in song. "_I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning, like a whirlpool, it never ends, it's you girl, you're making me dizzy_."

"Oh brother and you make me want to consider murder," Buffy snapped, holding her hands out for him to grasp and pulled him to his feet. He stumbled into her and she wrapped her arm around him to keep him standing. "Let's go."

All of her plans for the night had been destroyed by his drunken bout but somehow her curiosity had been peaked. Whatever he wanted to talk to her about had helped lead him to this state. He said he wanted to get to know her better so it wasn't a good-bye talk. Maybe by getting drunk he was trying to avoid telling her that he really cared about her. She cheered up in spite of the fact that he was barely conscious and was heavily leaning on her by the time they got to her place.

"What am I going to do with you now?" Buffy asked as she leaned him against the wall. She could call Angel but she didn't want to wake his parents. She couldn't take him back to the ship in this condition because he could get in trouble. With a small thrill, she eliminated the other choices and decided on the one she wanted anyway. He could spend the night with her. Sneak him in tonight and sneak him out tomorrow. Her parents never had to know. 

The stairs were out because he could barely stand; much less negotiate steps without stumbling and making a lot of noise. Spike was staring at her and she patted his cheek before pulling him against her again.

"Come on and keep your damn mouth shut," Buffy said, leading him to the service door in the back of the building. She leaned him on the wall again while she dug for her keys.

"You have such a part…no, that's pity, no," Spike said, holding a finger up. "It's potty mouth. Someone needs to wash it all out with soapy soap." She groaned and he waggled his brows at her. "Or maybe someone needs to be spanked."

"Lay a finger on me and I'll give you a black eye," Buffy warned as she unlocked the door and turned the alarm off. He stumbled in behind her and sat on one of the packing crates as she locked up again. "I mean it. Keep your mouth shut or my father will kill you."

Spike laid his finger against his lips and made a shushing sound. "Spikey promises to be a good boy."

"You better," Buffy said, taking his hand. There was a small service elevator that led to their apartment. When they had moved in, it had been updated to accommodate her mother and was almost soundless as it whooshed up and down. Her room was in the back of the building and hopefully she could get him in without her parents waking. They made it to her bedroom and she closed the door behind them, leaning on it as she breathed a sigh of relief. They were safe.

"Bubby, baffy, I need to take a piss," Spike said. "Where's the bathroom?" 

Somehow he got across the hall, did what he needed to do and made it back to her room without a peep from her parent's room. She left him in her room as she darted into the bathroom to take care of her business and change into her pajamas. He was lying on her bed when she returned. His duster and boots had been cast aside as he lay on top of the covers. He seemed to be watching her every move as she turned the light off and crawled under her comforter. They lay side by side for a minute without saying anything. 

"Spike, what did you want to talk to me about?"

Her answer was a snore. He had fallen asleep. Sighing, she curled onto her side and closed her eyes, determined to go to sleep. A hand touched her side, slid around to her stomach and she was pulled back against Spike. She tensed as she waited for him to do something else but he only buried his nose in her hair and snored again. He was gone for the night and she relaxed. It felt good to have him behind her, his breath tickling her hair and his…wait a minute…oh, forget it that felt nice too. His hand was cupping her breast while his thumb softly brushed against her nipple. Buffy fell asleep with a smile on his face.

~~~~~~~~~~

Louse. That's what he was in the worst sort of way. An absolute louse.

Spike sat up and stifled a groan of pain as he clutched his head. What the hell had he been thinking? It had been stupid to drink all that bourbon when he knew he had to talk to Buffy. He had hoped it would give him the intestinal fortitude to go through with it and instead like the coward he was, he had gotten so drunk he couldn't even make a coherent sentence.

Instead she had ended up taking care of him, brought him home and let him sleep beside her. It had been a surprise to wake up and find her snuggled against him with her leg and arm draped over him. Spike sighed and looked around her room. With all of her innocence and little girl appeal he had figured her room would reflect that but it didn't. It was very grown up and elegant. She had an iron bed painted white with heavy pine dresser and night stands. Instead of the posters he expected on her walls she had paintings of seascapes that must have come from local artists. Of course, her mother was into art so that probably had something to do with it. 

Buffy moved behind him and Spike knew he had to get ready to spill the beans and be ready to run. He went to grab his boots and spotted a pair of her panties spilling from a dresser drawer. The small scrap of lace was calling to him and after a few seconds of debate he slipped them into his pocket. A souvenir, he rationalized, since after they talked, Buffy would probably kick him out on his ear. 

"Hey," Buffy whispered, "you leaving?"

"In a minute," Spike said, tying his boots before turning to lie beside her again. There were sleepies in the corners of her eyes with her hair all mussed up and she looked adorable. For a moment he wished that he could stay right where he was. But he had to tell her everything. After wiping a small bit from the corner of her eye, he let his fingers trail across her face. "Buffy, I need to tell you something that I know you're not going to like."

"It's not good, is it?"

Spike shook his head. "No, it's not, Lamb."

"But you said you still wanted to see me so how could it be…" Her eyes opened wide and her mouth formed a small 'o' as she figured it out. She slapped his hand away from her and scooted up to lean against the headboard. "No, please…"

Never in his life had he hated himself as he did at that moment. She looked so hurt, so betrayed and it ripped his heart out. This was his doing. He closed his eyes but her face followed him, burning against the back of his lids. It was something that he didn't think he'd ever forget. 

"I'm sorry, Buffy, it didn't…"

"Bullshit," Buffy shouted. "Don't tell me it didn't mean anything. That it was just a fuck because you couldn't make love to me." She climbed out of bed, trembling from head to foot in righteous anger. "Don't lie to me. Just leave, please just leave."

Spike stood and his foot slipped on something. He looked down, sighed and picked it up. It was the latest issue of _Brides_ magazine. Buffy was flushed from embarrassment and anger as he threw it on the bed. They both wanted different things and were heading in different directions. This was for the best. He couldn't give her something he didn't have anymore. His heart. She deserved more than the likes of him and at least now she knew it too.

"Whether you want to hear it or not, it was just a one time thing. Trying to forget you and it didn't work. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be," Spike said and he meant it. Maybe if Drusilla hadn't come into his life he could give Buffy everything she needed. And be everything he wanted to be for her but it was too late. "I hope you find him. He'll be a lucky man."

And he turned and walked out of her life.

_To be continued in Chapter 7 – The Truth_

**Author's Note**: The song that Spike sung was 'Dizzy' by Vic Reeves. All rights, of course, belong to him. And I chose the last name of 'Nagle' for Spike because it means (nail or a little spike), seemed appropriate.


	7. The Truth

**Chapter 7 – The Truth**

It couldn't be happening but it was. 

The bastard just walked out of her bedroom, down the hall and right into her living room. Buffy threw her pillow at the door and wanted to scream for him to get the hell out of her house. But she didn't. She stood there; fists clenched at her side and listened to him make small talk with her parents including an apology for being there. She didn't make a peep until she heard the front door close and then the storm broke. 

Buffy hurled herself on her bed. The tears came in loud, gulping sobs as she faced that another man she cared about had been unfaithful. Why didn't he see that she would have had sex with him? He didn't have to go to anyone else. What was wrong with her that drove men away? Angel and all the guys said she was beautiful. Almost every night someone tried to pick her up at the bar but when it came to relationships they didn't want her. If her life continued like this she was going to die a virgin.

"Buffy, honey," Joyce said, rolling into her room. She stopped by the bed and placed a hand on Buffy's back. "What happened?"

"He cheated on me," Buffy cried. "He slept with someone else while he was gone."

The consoling words didn't come. Only silence greeted her words and Buffy peeked out to see if her mother had even heard her. She needed comforting words from her mommy and she wasn't getting them. She watched in disbelief as Joyce picked up the _Brides_ magazine and thumbed through it.

"Mom, did you not hear me?" Buffy asked, sitting up. "He cheated on me…"

Her mother looked her in the eyes. "He didn't cheat on you."

"Excuse me?" Buffy asked, clutching her other pillow to her chest defensively. "What would you call it?"

"What did he cheat on?" Joyce asked. "Did he tell you that he wanted exclusive dating rights before he left? Were you in a relationship? Did he make promises to you?"

When it was put like that, Buffy realized that maybe Spike wasn't entirely wrong. Finding out that he'd been with another woman had taken her back to that awful afternoon when Riley told her he'd been with Faith. All the pain had come back with a vengeance but it wasn't really justified. She sniffed and decided that he was still a creep for doing it but not as much of a bastard as Riley was. 

"No, he didn't," Buffy said, conceding to her mother's logic. "It still hurts that he was with someone else especially when I've been waiting for him to come back."

"I know it does," Joyce hesitated, "but he didn't ask you to wait. That was your decision," she waved at the magazine still in her lap. "You built a huge fantasy out of someone you barely knew instead of letting a relationship develop naturally."

Buffy grabbed the magazine and tossed in the trash. That stupid magazine had been nothing but trouble. She knew how she felt. And she…well, she liked Spike a lot.

"You said you knew Daddy was the one the first time you saw him," Buffy said, trying to cover her doubts. She didn't want to be wrong again. "And I know Spike is the one."

Joyce gave a patented parent look; the one that showed compassion for the child that was going over the deep end. "Yes, I knew but it took months before we were ready to think about even having a serious relationship. And you're planning a wedding with someone you've only spent, what twenty-fours with, if even that much."

"Forgive me for wanting to be in a relationship," Buffy said, throwing her arms wide. "I like him."

"Like him, not love him," Joyce said. "I think you're overreacting to a sexual attraction to the man."

"Mother!"

"Don't mother me. You know I'm right," Joyce said, shaking her head. "You should've lost your virginity to Angel in high school."

"I am so not having this conversation," Buffy groaned, standing up. She began to pace the room. "Angel and I weren't ready…"

"He was and so were you but Angel has this need to keep you at fourteen forever. If the two of had done it then I don't think you'd be having this misunderstanding now. Losing your virginity has been built up into this huge romantic scenario that has to lead to marriage."

Buffy flopped back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Her mother was right. She was the last one of her friends to become sexually active. Everybody talked about and dissected her still intact hymen. They had all decided that after Riley that it could only be given to someone who truly loved her. And she had followed along with it. If she hadn't been a virgin, Spike probably would have been all over her trying to get her into bed and she would have pushed him away. It was the fact that he was respectful of her status that had fueled her fantasies.

"So, now what? Do I just fall into bed with him and get it over with?"

"I think the first thing you need to ask yourself is, do you like the real Spike or are you seeing him through rose colored glasses?"

"And if I do like him?" Buffy asked rolling on her side to hold her mother's hand.

"Get to know him. Spend time with him and let things develop. If and when the time is right, you'll know it."

Buffy laughed. "My mother is telling me to get laid."

"No, I'm telling you get real," Joyce said, turning her chair around to head out the door. "I think you need to find him and talk to him because even if you're not sure, I like the man. He's honest when he doesn't have to be and that's a rare trait."

Buffy stared as her mother wheeled out of the room. She thought about Spike being with someone else and it still hurt because she did like him. She just realized now that maybe he didn't deserve the fallout from her past relationship. He deserved the chance to be heard and she owed him an apology for going hysterical on him. It wasn't going to be fun to eat crow but it wouldn't be the first time. She reached for the phone and dialed Angel's house.

"Hello," Angel said,

"Hey."

"Hold on, sweetheart," Angel said and she knew from the sounds that he was leaving whatever room he'd been in. "You okay?"

"Yeah, my egos a little bent but I'm still on the train," Buffy said, cuddling up to her pillows. "I take it you know everything."

"I'm Angel, of course I do." 

They shared a brief laugh before Buffy took a deep breath for courage. "I need to talk to him. Is he there?"

"Uh, yeah he is but I think you need to give him a little space."

Buffy pulled the phone away from her ear and shook it. She couldn't have heard right. Scrunching up her nose, she returned it to its favorite spot next to her ear.

"Are you protecting him from me?"   
  
"He's not feeling too good after last night and then this morning. He's miserable and we've been talking."

Now she felt like she had landed on a gender reversed planet. Angel was coddling the man she wanted to be her boyfriend. It was just too freaky for words.

"Angel, do you have a crush on him?"

"What the hell kind of question is that?" Angel exploded. "Why is everyone questioning my sexual orientation? I'm straight, damn it; ask Cordelia if you don't believe me. The girl can barely walk this morning."

"Eew didn't want to hear that," Buffy squealed. She closed her eyes for a second to refocus her thoughts on her problems.  "I thought you were my best friend. Aren't you supposed to be on my side?"

"Well, I am on your side. It's just the guy has no family or friends around and you have a whole herd of us so I was trying to help him out by listening to him."

"What did he say about me?"

Angel was her best friend and if he knew anything then he should spill to her. And the more she knew the better her chances of landing Spike. It was really simple except she hadn't counted on male bonding clauses.

"I can't tell you anything. It wouldn't be right to betray his confidence."

She was fuming now. Everyone had turned on her today. Spike told her he had been with someone else, her mother told her she was fantasizing too much and Angel was taking the rat's side. Wasn't there anyone who wanted to be sympathetic to the injured party? What had she done except want to love the guy? Was that a crime?

"Go to hell, Angel." 

"You stab me through the heart," Angel gasped. 

"Whatever." No sympathy was going to come from her. He was a traitor to their years of friendship. "So, at any point am I going to get past your defense line and be able to talk to him?"

"Are you going to play nice or make him feel worse than he already does?"

"Oh, my God," Buffy yelled. "You are a certified jerk. All I want is to tell him that I was wrong for overreacting but if that's too much then…"

"Calm down," Angel growled. "Look my parents went on one of their little trips so, its party time at the O'Connor residence. Get your bathing suit on and come over but be friendly not pushy. Give him space and let him know you're not mad at him."

"I'll try not to scare him," Buffy snapped. She was ready to give up. This was ridiculous.

"That advice was for you," Angel said softly. "He's going to bolt at the first sign of a property stamp."

Oh. Angel was going to help her out. He must like Spike. She smiled. It had to be fate if her mother and best friend both liked him. She knew the fantasy was building again and she didn't try to fight it. It felt good to be falling and she wanted to enjoy every moment of it.

It didn't take her long to get ready. A quick shower, a shave of all essential places, slathering of sun block, one black bikini with shorts and she was on her way. The O'Connor house wasn't that far away. It was in a new subdivision that was built during the brief tourist boom of a few years ago. The pool was in a courtyard which was accessible from the master bedroom, the main living room and the kitchen. Angel's had become the gathering place when everyone was in town and his parents never seemed to mind the crowd of young people. 

Angel opened the door for her before she even had a chance to knock.

"Waiting for me?" Buffy asked, walking by him and into the house.

"Yeah," Angel said, looking her over. "Did you have to come half naked?"

Buffy arched a brow at him. "You did say wear a bathing suit? I don't own a one-piece. You know that." 

Angel sighed and rolled his eyes. "Go put a t-shirt on or something. No one has started to strip down yet and you look…well, obvious."

"Fine, you know my wardrobe," Buffy said, heading for his bedroom. "Why didn't you just tell me what to wear?"

"Because I thought you were smarter than that," Angel muttered.

"I heard that," Buffy said over her shoulder. "I'm going to get a drink before I head out."

"Fine," Angel said. "Hurry up. We're all on the patio."

Left alone, Buffy grabbed a shirt from Angel's dresser and headed back toward the kitchen. She made it halfway across the foyer before she heard voices in the kitchen. Faith and Cordelia were talking about her and she stopped to listen. Buffy knew it wasn't good to eavesdrop but Faith was never on her side and Cordelia could flip-flop according to the situation. And as far as she was concerned the more she knew the better off she was. 

"So, dish, Faith," Cordelia said. "What did Spike say about her?"

"It sounded just like a break up speech," Faith said, laughing. "She's a nice girl and she's really sweet. I like her a lot but, and here comes the breaker, but I don't want the burden of taking her virginity."

"Whoa and what did Angel say to that?"

The blender turned on and Buffy took a step closer, flattening herself against the wall where they couldn't see her. 

_Yeah, so come on. What did Angel say?_

"Angel pretty much said not to date her then and Spike didn't seem to have a problem with it," Faith said. The blender turned off. "Hand me the glasses. Yep, little Buffy isn't going to be able to hold on him and what a shame that's he's staying here. Faith may have to take care of all his needs."

The two girls laughed unaware that Buffy had heard. Her emotions were going into overdrive with the rollercoaster ride they'd been having all day. For the first time in her life she really hated that she hadn't been like her friends and just lost control in high school. A part of her wanted to be juvenile and give it to the first man who offered just so she could say she'd done it. But she wanted her first time to be special and she wanted Spike to be the one to take it. Her mind developed and discarded plans at an alarming rate. 

She accepted the fact that she'd been too available and hadn't offered a challenge to him. Spike knew all he had to do was crook his little finger and she'd capitulate to whatever he wanted. Hell, she'd even taken him home and let him sleep in her bed. Maybe he needed to be reminded that she wasn't that innocent. And he definitely needed the message that she wasn't just waiting on him. A little jealousy might be just what the doctor ordered.

Now all she needed was a little wardrobe altering and she'd be set. The t-shirt was thrown on the couch and her shorts were undone. Buffy rolled them down until they were barely hanging on her hips. She glanced outside to see who was already there and was happy to see Parker. He'd been after her for months and his womanizing ass would serve her purposes just fine. She pasted on a smile and made her way out to the pool area. 

_to be continued…_


	8. You're a Fine Girl

**Chapter 8 – You're A Fine Girl**

Spike had been perfectly content picking the label off his beer bottle. It was a sunny afternoon and he was hanging out with good people. A day just for relaxing even though he knew Buffy was going to be here. It wasn't as simple as walking away. Her friends were his crewmates and they were becoming his friends too. She wasn't going to disappear from his life any time soon. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Xander whistled and he looked up expecting Anya to be walking out the door. His mouth dropped before he realized he was gaping and shut it again with a snap.

It was Buffy wearing next to nothing. Yards of taut flesh were available for viewing and his groin tightened at the sight. Angel uttered an expletive as he looked her over. She was walking toward them, her hips swaying and a huge smile on her face. A part of him wanted to throw a towel around her and the other part of him wanted to rip the rest of her clothes off.

"Hi, guys," Buffy said, stopping next to Parker and laying her hand on his shoulder. "How's it going?" Her eyes glanced over the small group and Spike watched as her eyes drifted over him, from his toes upwards to meet his eyes. She shrugged her shoulders. "Parker, I forgot to get a drink. Do you mind getting me one?"

"Of course not, Babes," Parker said, heading for the house without even asking what she wanted.

But he probably knew Buffy more than Spike did. His eyes narrowed as he wondered how well the wanker knew the girl. She settled into the vacated chair, leaning back and stretching her leg out so that her toes were only inches from his bare leg. Spike stared at her until she turned those sultry green eyes to him.

"Are you feeling better, Spikey?" She asked, her fingers taking a languid stroll across her stomach. "You didn't seem to feel too well this morning."

"Were you worried, pet?" Spike asked, shifting in his chair and let his legs fall apart. 

If she wanted to play show and tell so could he. He didn't own a bathing suit and under threat of being the odd man out had taken scissors to a pair of jeans. He went commando and he was decent as long as he sat up straight and kept his legs together. He snickered when a slight flush crept over her cheeks as her eyes went exactly where he wanted them too. But she won the round as her small pink tongue darted out to moisten her lips. He turned in his chair before he could embarrass himself with how much he wanted her. 

"If I wasn't worried about you," Buffy said. "I wouldn't have brought you home last night."

Xander gasped and his eyes darted between them. "You and Buffy spent the night together?"

"It wasn't anything like that," Buffy giggled. "He passed right out on me so there was no performance."

Spike arched an eyebrow as he stared at her. What was her game? And what was she trying to prove with her _performance_? This seductress wasn't his Buffy and reminded him more of Faith when she was trying to get his attention. He wondered if she knew that this turned him off more than it made him want her. Jumping through hoops wasn't his style. He liked the innocent quality to Buffy even if it frightened him to death. 

Earlier Spike had confessed everything to Angel. From his fears to his feelings to what she wanted and it felt good to talk it out. He understood Buffy a little better and hoped that she would forgive him so they could find out if there was anything between them worth pursuing. He still didn't want the committed relationship with hearts and harps but a good friendship with affection he could handle. But from this obvious act to get his attention and make him jealous he didn't know if she was mature enough for it. 

Parker returned holding a drink out for her and Spike wanted to hurl as she giggled. She let her fingers caress Parker's as she accepted it. Angel snorted and she flashed him a 'shut up or face the wrath of Buffy' look. It was too much for him to handle and he returned to the house. He heard Angel hiss at her to behave but he missed her reply. He had expected more from Buffy than this and missed the open, carefree girl she had been up to this point.

Spike made his way to the guest room and grabbed his sunglasses. At least if he was hiding behind them, she wouldn't be able to read him. He decided to stay out of her way for the rest of the afternoon and when he returned to the patio he perched on the side of the pool letting his feet dangle in the water.

"Hey," Angel said, sitting beside him. "I want to smack her. I've never seen her do this."

"Really," Spike said, looking over at Buffy. "She seems an old pro at it."

"An old pro at what?" Cordelia said, handing Angel a drink before sitting beside him. "Who are we talking about?"

"Buffy," Angel answered, kissing his girlfriend on the check. "She's putting on this act with Parker to make Spike jealous."

"What's her deal?" Cordelia said, watching the topic of their conversation as she flirted with Parker. "She needs to spank her inner moppet or whatever she needs to do to get over it because she's acting like a fool."

The patio door slammed shut and everyone turned to look at Faith as she stepped onto the patio. It had been a deliberate action to get everyone to look at her. She was showing more flesh than Buffy was as she strolled along the pool toward him. Spike sighed because he really didn't want to fight the girl off again. The brunette had shown up in his room earlier and practically offered herself to him. No strings attached unlike Buffy. Spike had declined knowing he needed to settle with Buffy before starting something else and besides he wouldn't do that to Wesley. It just wasn't right. 

"Hello," Faith said, settling next to Spike. "Do you want me to put lotion on your back?"

"No, I'm fine," Spike said, looking up in time to see a flash of pain cross Buffy's face. He sighed because he knew he'd hurt her. It was him that had set this whole thing in motion. She was just reacting to it and he felt a twinge of guilt for starting it. They needed to talk and try to figure out if they could salvage something out of it. He vowed before the afternoon was over that he'd talk to her.

Buffy seemed to relax as time went by. Instead of focusing on Parker she made the rounds of her friends. Spike kept an eye on her whereabouts and tried to be a step ahead of her. He'd decided that after they'd eaten dinner  then he ask her to talk and until then he decided to get to know her friends a little more. Willow and Tara were so sweet together that he didn't mind their interview about his intention. He knew it was because they cared about their friend. He learned that none of them really liked Parker but he'd been a part of them for so long no one had the heart to tell him to get lost. Anya was a riot with her explicit no nonsense conversation and she was disappointed that he hadn't deflowered the group virgin yet. She gave him advice on how to seduce Buffy and some of the information he stored away. Things on what Buffy considered romantic and sensations that she liked. 

When Angel fired up the grill he looked around for Buffy to ask her if they could eat together. It would be a simple progression from that to the conversation. He heard her laughter and turned to find her lying on her stomach on a lounge. Willow was sitting next to her and Parker was putting lotion on her back. His eyes narrowed as he realized her top was undone and the wanker was putting his hands where he shouldn't. They were sliding over her skin, dipping down to touch the sides of her breasts, shifting to trace her spine to her lower back. His fingers dipped under her bathing suit to caress her bottom and that was all that Spike could take.

"I'm going to kill him," Spike muttered, taking off toward the couple.

"Don't leave blood," Angel called after him. "Drown him its less mess."

A few people had the nerve to laugh as if Spike was joking. Mostly there was silence as they waited for the confrontation.

"I suggest you get your hands off of her now," Spike said, his tone threatening as he towered over the boy.

"And who are you to tell me what to do," Parker said, standing and straightening as if it would impress Spike.

"How long have you known her?" Spike asked, stepping closer to Parker. 

"We've known each other forever as if it's your business."

Spike laughed.  "I bet that's the closest you've ever gotten to her, isn't it?" He glanced down at Buffy turning over and holding a towel over her breasts. His gaze returned to Parker who wasn't saying anything which only confirmed his suspicion. "I knew her less than twenty-four hours and I had her pinned against a wall screaming my name. And that's why I can tell you to get your hands off."

There were a couple of gasps of surprise but mostly there was only silence as the others waited to see what Parker would do. He raised his hands and turned to walk away.

"Well, that was a let down," Xander said. "First chance to have a really good fight and zilch…"

"How dare you," Buffy screeched, scrambling to stand up while maintaining a precarious hold on the towel. Her top forgotten as it fell to the ground. "Just tell my personal business to my friends."

"Our friends," Spike contradicted. "And I think most everyone here knows what happened between us."

"He's right," Wesley murmured.

"All right, here comes the entertainment," Xander crowed.

"I didn't know," Anya said, "Just for the record. Why didn't I know, Xander?"

Buffy took a step closer to him but Spike stood his ground. Her eyes had turned to jade and were shooting sparks as her finger jabbed into his chest.

"You deliberately tried to embarrass me," Buffy accused. "And it's none of your business whose hands are on me. Isn't that the rules? Or do they apply to you getting laid but not me?"

"You want to get laid by that Nancy-boy?" Spike asked. "Is it the sweetness and oh, what is the word…vulnerability that got to you?" He leaned closer to her. "What's the matter can't handle a real man?"

Spike watched as her hand curled into a fist and raised a hand to deflect her if he needed to. It was unbelievable that she preferred Parker to him. Had she been hanging out with him just so she could lose her virginity? For some reason it hurt but in a way made sense since she was so compliable that night. 

"It's not what I can or can't handle," Buffy said. "It's the fact that you wouldn't let me handle it." Her eyes moved to linger over his crotch for a moment so everyone would know he'd turned her down. This time there were a few surprised sounds as the group leaned closer to the couple. "And besides if I sleep with Parker it relieves you of the burden…"

Her eyes grew wide when she realized that she'd revealed more than what she was supposed to know.  Spike's eyes narrowed. So, this is what this afternoon had been about and he wondered who told her. He knew Angel wouldn't so that left only one person who could have overheard his conversation. Faith. He looked around and found the brunette who only shrugged at his silent inquiry. His eyes returned to Buffy who had taken the brief respite to regroup. She opened her mouth to start in again and he'd decided he'd had enough. His life had been fine until he met this little vixen and since then his whole life was in turmoil.

"If you want to lose it so bad," Spike said. "Then I'll be more than happy to take it."

Spike picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. 

"Spike, put me down," Buffy shrieked. Her hands slapped at his back as he headed for the house. "Oh my God, the towel," He felt her fumble to keep the towel covering her. "I hate you. Angel help me."

No one stopped him. No one uttered a word as he let the door close behind them. It was him and her. He was regretting his decision by the time they reached the guest room. Her bottom was in his face and one arm was still wrapped around him with only the towel between them. Spike dropped her on the bed, watched her bounce a couple of times as she clutched the towel across her chest. He knew it would take only two moves, three if he discarded her shield, for him to be covering her. Their lips meeting in passion as their hands roamed over each other. She stared wide-eyed at him and he couldn't quite gauge her mood. If it was anger or desire; whatever it was had her cheeks flushed and her eyes the darkest green he'd ever seen. He moved to put his knee on the bed but she exploded before he got the chance.

"You pig," Buffy spat. "How dare you manhandle me?"

"How dare you play me till I manhandled you? You wanted me to be jealous and I got jealous. What did you want me to do? Cry? Don't bother because I won't be love's bitch again."

"I forgot," Buffy said, scooting down the bed. "You're a cold hearted bastard that doesn't need anything but the damn sea. Excuse me for liking you."

"Do you Buffy?" Spike asked. "Do you like me? Do you even know who the hell I am?"

"I was trying to find out but it seems it was a mistake," Buffy said, kneeling next to his duffel bag and rummaged around before pulling out a t-shirt. Unfortunately when she pulled the shirt out, the panties he'd stolen fell out. "Oh, my God; you kept a souvenir?" She looked closer and gasped. "Their mine; you stole my panties?" She grabbed them and waved them in front of his face. "What kind of pervert are you?"

Spike snatched them from her and shoved them in his pocket. "Not a pervert. I'm a normal man that well…wanted something to remember you by if you never talked to me again."

One eyebrow arched on that beautiful face and Spike knew he was losing fast. Ever since the ship had docked yesterday he'd had nothing but bad luck. All he'd wanted was a chance to explain to her that he'd been wrong. That he wanted to get to know her and see what might happen. If the last day had been any indication it would be pure misery. All the reasons he'd gone to sea came back to taunt him for forgetting them. 

"I guess you were right," Buffy said, turning to slip the t-shirt on. She looked over her shoulder and motioned for him to turn around. He complied. "It will be the only thing you'll have. I hope you enjoy them."

The door closed before he could turn around again. Twice in one day. He walked out on her. She walked out on him. It was even. If he was smart he'd just let it go but all he felt was misery as he collapsed on the bed. He heard her talking to Angel saying it wasn't anyone's fault that the two of them just weren't meant to be. She said she had to leave to go to work and she was gone. All he could do was think of all the ways he'd messed up as he stared at the ceiling. 

"Give her time to cool off," Angel said, from the doorway.

"She's better off without me," Spike said sitting up. "I practically attacked her in front of her friends."

"Spike, if I thought she was in any danger I'd have stopped you. So, would almost anyone else out there." 

Spike sat up and studied the man in front of him. Something had changed since the first time he'd met Buffy. Angel seemed to be encouraging the relationship between them now. Even this morning when he'd told him not to date Buffy it was as if Angel knew Spike wouldn't listen. 

"You don't know me," Spike said. "Not really. Why do you think I don't mean to do her harm?"

Angel grinned and shook his head. "The way you look at her besides I was listening at the door. Now come on. Xander's controlling the grill and I prefer my hamburgers to be edible."

"Let her cool off, huh?" Spike said, following Angel outside again.

"Yeah, go pick her up from work tonight and try to talk to her again."

Spike sighed. Maybe three times was the charm and knew he'd be there to give it one more try.

_to__ be continued…_


	9. Another Round

**Chapter 9 – Another Round**

Closing time didn't come soon enough for Buffy. Ever since she'd left Angel's she'd been miserable and only wanted to go home to cry. She figured Spike was ecstatic that he never had to see her again. So, it was a surprise when she left the Edge to find him sitting on the bench he'd occupied only twenty-four hours before. Gathering her pride around her like a cloak, Buffy walked right by him without acknowledging his presence.

"Buffy, come on now, stop," Spike called, following her. "Let's talk."

"There's nothing to talk about," Buffy said, lowering her head and picking up speed. _I won't let him get to me. I won't let him get to me._

Spike caught up with her and walked beside her. His long legs making it impossible for her to out run him and Buffy settled back into a comfortable pace. It wasn't Spike that she was afraid of, it was herself. She was afraid that she'd give in to her desire to be around him. And let him talk her into something she knew wasn't good for either of them. 

"You can't just walk away from this," Spike said, touching her on the arm with the tips of his fingers. 

"Well, I am."

All she had to do was get home and she'd be safe. She didn't have to work tomorrow night so she could hide out until the _Darla_ sailed again. And by the time they docked again Spike should be only a memory. 

_Yeah, right._

"This morning was a big misunderstanding," Spike said. "It wasn't the first we've had." He smiled. "And if you'll talk to me it probably won't be the last."

"It changed everything, Spike," Buffy said. "In big neon lights it showed how wrong we are for each other."

The bookstore was only a block away. It wouldn't be long and she could be alone to nurse her broken heart in privacy. She didn't want to try. She didn't want to believe. Their differences would only get clearer as time went by. It was better to run now when it wouldn't hurt as bad.

And if she kept telling herself these lies maybe one day she'd believe them. 

"No, it's not that easy, Luv," Spike said. "I don't know what it is but there's something between us."

"There's nothing between us," Buffy said whirling on him as her pain urged her to find the words to prove that it was better for them to give up. "It's an attraction that has no where to go. You don't want to be involved and I don't want to be your Sunnydale sex fix."

"That's not what I want," Spike said, stepping back and throwing his arms wide. "All I've wanted to do is talk to you since I got here. I fucked it up last night and I take all the blame for that. Please, can we talk?"

"No, I don't want to," Buffy said, grabbing his wrist. "It's so clear to me and it will be to you when you accept defeat." She shrugged her shoulders and blinked back the tears. "When we first met you were running as fast as you could from me because I wanted you and now that I'm trying to get away, you're hot on my heels. It's a game that I don't want to play."

It was the hardest thing she'd ever done and the look on his face was breaking her heart. Not giving herself a chance to give in, she turned and ran up the stairs. He was right behind her. 

"Whatever between us is worth exploring," Spike begged. "And nothing either one of us does is going to make it go away."

"Yes, there is," Buffy said, opening her door and stepping inside. Spike stepped to the door, raising his hand as if he was placing it against an invisible barrier. "It's really simple. I never want to see you again and I hope you're man enough to respect it."

Buffy shut the door. His face at first showed surprise; changed to hopeful and finally revealed a pain that rivaled her own before it closed. The click of the lock was the final straw for her. She didn't make it to her bed as she sat on the floor and cried. Her arms wrapped around her knees, rocking to the sounds of her sobs. The depth of the hurt surpassed anything that Riley had done to her. This was the death of her hope and innocence. Nothing would ever be the same after Spike. He'd awakened a part of that she hadn't known existed. 

Somehow she pushed the tears away and made it to her room throwing herself on her bed without even changing. She told herself that it would be better in the morning but knew she was lying to herself. Somehow she had to make it until the ship was out to sea again and maybe she could get down to the business of getting over him. 

It was almost four in the morning when she gave up and listened to her little voice that was whispering beneath everything else. It reminded her of the decisions she'd already made about him; the one where she said she'd risk further pain to get closer to him and the one where she decided that she wanted to spend her life with him. It was simple really; she didn't want to get over Spike. She wanted to fight for him and she'd sent him away.

And Spike would respect that decision. No matter how much he disagreed with her.  It was just the kind of man that he was.  

Deciding she had to fix things, Buffy changed into a pair of jeans and a sweater before hurrying down the hall. 

"Mom," Buffy said, shaking her mother's shoulder. Joyce opened her eyes, looking disoriented until her eyes found her daughter. "I'm sorry for waking you. I'm heading over to Angel's."

"It's four in the morning," Joyce said, glancing at her clock and rising up on one elbow. "Does this have something to do with Spike?"

"Yes," Buffy said. "I messed everything up and it can't wait. We've wasted too much time as it is."

"Be careful," Joyce said with quiet resignation in her eyes. "I love you."

"Love you too, Mom," Buffy answered, kissing her mother's cheek. "I'll either let you know when I'm back or call."

The night was cool as Buffy ran to Angel's house. Everything within her wanted to be held in Spike's arms again. She wanted the chances she'd thrown away with disregard earlier. The chance to kiss him, to laugh with him, to get to know everything there was to know about him, to fall in love and to make love. She could feel all the excited anticipation that came with the first twinges of love. 

Buffy took a second to catch her breath before approaching the house. She made her way around to the side. After she'd broken up with Riley she'd often show up at all hours to talk to Angel when he was in town. Brushing aside the mulch she found the small crowbar she'd hidden there and used it to pry the window open. She was halfway through the window when she heard someone moan.  Startled she looked toward the bed, her eyes opening wide at the activities going on in Angel's bed. He wasn't alone and he wasn't sleeping.

_Oh my God, oh my God, he's having sex, oh my God, I'm blinded, _Buffy thought as she tried to wiggle back through the window. Unfortunately, she tried to go too fast and instead of going backwards, she ended up face on the floor. 

"Damn it," Buffy muttered, rolling onto her back. Her eyes closed as she heard the sheets rustling. "It's me, Angel."

"What the hell are you doing?" Angel asked.

"I need to talk to Spike," Buffy said, sitting up and trying to avoid looking at the couple on the bed clutching sheets. "I didn't mean to interrupt. I didn't think you'd be well…"

"This couldn't wait a few hours," Cordelia asked. "Like until a decent hour."

"Go home, Buffy," Angel snapped. "These antics and games are getting ridiculous."

"Like I said I'm sorry," Buffy said, standing and backing toward the door. "Really I'm sorry that I thought my best friend would understand what I'm going through."

"Go, get out, Buffy," Angel said, pointing at the door. "Go talk to Spike. Just get out of my room."

"Thanks, Angel," Buffy said, grinning. "Please continue whatever you were doing before I interrupted." 

Something hit the closed door but Buffy ignored it as she crept down the hallway. Now that she was almost there her stomach twisted in knots as she thought of facing Spike. What if he'd gone to Faith when he'd come back? Crossing her fingers, she slipped inside and stood by the door as she checked to see if he was alone or not. Moonlight stretched across the room illuminating the room. Her heart melted at the sight of Spike curled on his side, holding a pillow to his chest. She decided there and then that he was the most beautiful man she'd ever seen.

"Spike," she called barely above a whisper. A part of her was hesitant to wake him but a part of her was indignant that he could even sleep. He didn't move so she tried a little louder. "Spike, are you awake?"

Spike rolled onto his back and flung his arm across the bed. The sheet shifted lower revealing even more of his body. Buffy licked her lips as she felt a tightening in her lower belly. She wished she had the right to crawl into bed with him. Make love to him with all the emotions that were coursing through her at the moment. He stirred and raised his head to look at her.

"Buffy is that you?" Spike asked, his hand rubbing at his eyes before he looked at her again. 

"Uh, yeah," Buffy said. "Are you naked under there?"

Her hand covered her mouth as she realized she'd blurted that out loud. He only laughed though as he sat up.

"Yeah, like to air everything out when I'm sleeping," Spike said. His hand rubbed his chest, her eyes following the trail it made.  "Do you want to see?"

Well, of course she wanted to see. Why else would she be standing in his bedroom at this time of the morning? The thought of seeing Spike naked sent an intense rush of heat through her body that pooled between her legs. Without thinking she took a step toward the bed.

"No, no, that's okay," Buffy said, stopping and forcing temptation away. It was for the best.  "Can we talk?"

"No," Spike said. "We can't talk. And if you have no interest in my hot, tight, little body you can leave now."

Spike rolled onto his side pulling the sheet over him and leaving nothing to see except a few tufts of platinum hair peeking out. Rolling her eyes, Buffy grabbed the sheet and pulled it off of him. For a couple of seconds she had a lovely view of his legs, ass and back. A hard ass she noted with approval. Spike sat up, shock filling his eyes as his hands covered his manhood and he brought his knees up. 

Maybe giggling wasn't the best response but it was the only reaction that Buffy seemed to be able to emit. Jumping on him was out of the question and she wasn't going to run anymore so giggling was her choice for dealing with the situation. It only got worse as he decided to call her bluff. He stood, pausing for a moment so she could take a good look at the front of him before he advanced on her. She backed up until she hit the door and he followed, planting a hand on one side of her head. 

"Is this where I look at you and feel faint?" Buffy said, putting the back of her hand against her forehead. "And say, 'oh my, it's huge. How is _that ever going to fit in my little virginal body? It will surely tear me in two."_

"Might be nice for the ego if you did," Spike said, curling a lock of her hair around his finger. Her giggling started again and he must have given up because he laughed with her. He rested his face on the curve of her shoulder. "What are you doing here?"

The pain in his voice silenced her. Buffy rested her face against his and wrapped one hand around his neck. Her fingers played with the curls on the nape of his neck. For the first time she saw his vulnerability and the fear that he'd been willing to face for her. The woman who'd hurt him had to have been a fool. She kissed his shoulder and he shivered from the contact.

"I had to tell you that I lied," Buffy whispered. "It was the part where I said I never wanted to see you again."

Spike pulled back to study her face with eyes that were hopeful yet fearful. "So, what do we do now?"

"I don't know," Buffy said, leaning her forehead against his. "I'm just not ready to walk away yet."

"Bu you don't date sailors," Spike whispered.

"And your life, your lover and lady is the sea." 

"We should probably run," Spike said, his fingers stroking her hip. "It would be the smart thing to do."

"Never said I was smart," Buffy said. She couldn't help herself as she let her fingers drift across his chest. "Do you want to run?"

Spike sighed. His hand curved around to the small of her back. "Not at the moment."

"That's enough for me," Buffy said, stepping closer to him. "There's a carnival in town. Would you like to go later?"

"Yeah, I would," Spike whispered, rubbing his nose against hers. "It should be a nice friendly thing to do together."

"Spike?" 

She leaned against him.

"Yeah?" 

His hand cupped her bottom.

"Are we still not kissing?"

She closed her eyes and rose up on her tiptoes.

"Oh, we're going to kiss and soon if I have my way," Spike said, pulling her against him. "But not tonight because I couldn't stop if we started."

"That's for damn sure," Buffy whispered, her nails raking along his back. "I guess I should go then. Around ten?"

 "Ten sounds fine," Spike said, taking her hands and walking backwards to the bed. "Or whatever time we wake up. Stay with me, Buffy. No sex. I just want to be with you as much as possible."

It was what she wanted too. Now that they'd yielded to the attraction between them it was too much to bear to be apart anymore than they had to. Spike slipped under the sheet and Buffy after shimmying out of her jeans lay down on top of it. The comforter was drawn over them both. She turned on her side to face him.

"What are you going to do with my underwear?" Buffy asked. She was grateful for the darkness that hid her blush. It was a stupid question but she didn't understand why he'd want it.

"Hang it in my locker on the ship," Spike said, chuckling. "Something to remind me of you."

"Oh," Buffy said. "Why not a picture?"

"Didn't know if I could get one," Spike said, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Besides panties are so much more personal." He tapped her nose. "And no, I don't have a collection. Yours are the only one."

It gave her a thrill that she was the only woman that he cared enough to steal their underwear. Okay, it was a bit of a sick thrill but a definite ego boost all the same.  She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. This whole escapade had turned out a lot better than she thought it would. And when he held his arm out, she didn't hesitate to snuggle against him. It was the only place she wanted to be. 

_to be continued…_

  
  



	10. Thrill Ride

**Chapter 10 – Thrill Ride**

It was too easy. Buffy was preoccupied with two teenage boys and Spike couldn't resist taking advantage of the situation. With a huge grin he pressed the pedal of his car all the way down and rammed it into the side of Buffy's, sending it spinning. Two seconds later Angel hit her from the other side and she screamed her outrage before bursting into peals of laughter. Her arms crossed over her sides because she couldn't stop the giggles. It was when she snorted that he became enraptured, totally missing Cordelia gaining on him and ramming into his car. He ended up facing the other way. 

"Oh, lady, it's on," Spike challenged, turning his bumper car to go after the brunette but Angel slammed into him followed a moment later by a recovered Buffy. 

Anyone watching would have been amazed that they weren't teenagers from the way they were acting. After two days of tension and tears, the four were intent on spending their last afternoon together filled with silly fun. Making Buffy laugh had become Spike's goal for the day as he followed her from one ride to another. There didn't seem to be anything she feared and seemed to actually enjoy being tossed around or flipped upside down. It was a source of consternation that he could barely keep up with the little blonde with endless energy. 

The four locked their cars, backed up and slammed into each other again. Before they could plan another attack the bell rang and the cars slowed to a stop. Buffy's hand slid back into his as they walked off the ride. Spike sighed, lacing their fingers together and wished again that he'd just kissed her that first night. Looking back it had been a totally stupid move because now it couldn't just be a kiss. He'd made a big deal about it so their first kiss had to be a big deal too. He considered taking her to the beach at sunset and let the first time be while they were knee deep in the surf. But that seemed too hokey and he dismissed that idea. He didn't want to leave port again without kissing her but if something didn't happen soon it might end up that way.

"Come on, Spike," Buffy said, tugging him toward the livestock show. "I want to look at the cows."

"You want to look at cows?" Spike asked, slowing down as he eyed the smelly barn with disdain. He was a city boy and had never been around farm animals before. Not that he wanted to for any reason either. "Let's go ride the Zipper again."

Buffy sighed and turned to him. She walked her fingers up his chest to dance along his jaw. "You said we could do anything I wanted and I want to pet the cows. I love the cows."

"They smell."

She crossed her arms and looked up at him through smoky lashes. "Pleeeeease, Spikey." 

"Oh, good God, woman," Spike said, giving up and offering her his hand. "Let's go look at these animals of yours. But I'm not touching them."

Spike was rewarded with a peck on his cheek as she led them inside. He looked behind them to see where the other couple was but Angel and Cordelia had disappeared again. They were probably making out somewhere, he thought with jealousy as he watched Buffy getting friendly with a dairy cow named Molly. She had one arm wrapped around the animal's neck while the other petted her nose. He smiled as she made baby talk and left Molly with a peck to her cheek, too. 

This was a side of Buffy he would never have thought existed. She seemed at ease at the different animals inside the barn and she made friends with as many as she could. Cows, horses and goats were all greeted with her bright smile. Drusilla would have gone running from the carnival period and the barn would have had her screaming. It took hours for his former girlfriend to get ready to anywhere because she had to be impeccable groomed for every occasion. It had been a nice change when Buffy seemed to be comfortable to go casual with minimal makeup. She reached for his hand and he allowed her to take it. He was so bemused by her smile that he didn't realize what she was up to until his hand was petting the wide snout of a jersey cow. He stepped closer to them, searching for what Buffy saw in these creatures. The cow gave a low moo and swished her tail at him.

"She's flirting with you," Buffy pronounced, with one hand resting on his lower back. "Am I going to have to share you with a cow?"

"No," Spike said, glancing at Buffy and then leaned over to look beneath the cow. "But she does have some really big…"

"Oh, you are such a pig."

"I prefer yours," Spike said, glancing down the front of her tank top. This time he got a smack on the arm. And he laughed as he took her hand to pull her to the petting zoo.  Buffy got a handful of feed so the various animals could take it from her cupped palms. Leaning on the fence he watched as she moved among the goats. He started to daydream of her surrounded by children instead, clamoring for their mother to take care of them. And when he realized what his mind was conjuring he pushed it aside as fast as he could. He stood up straight, shutting down his emotions and when Buffy glanced at him, he motioned for them to leave.

Buffy didn't say anything. She didn't even comment when he avoided her hand. They went down the last aisle without stopping to visit anyone else and stepped back into the afternoon sun. The mood they had carefully constructed earlier had been shattered. 

Buffy looked around for a second before turning to him. "Do we go back to the rides or head for the exhibit booths?"

Her eyes were defiant as she looked up at him. She wasn't offering him a choice of whether to run from her or not. It had already been decided that morning over bagels and orange juice. No commitment beyond this run and only a friendship with as little or as much affection as they were both willing to give. So far that consisted of the hand holding with the intention of kissing soon. It wasn't her crowding him. Buffy was playing by the established rules. It was him that was having problems with this. She arched an eyebrow, waiting for an answer that hadn't come yet and he smiled down at her. 

"Exhibits," Spike said, pointing at the long building. He was safe as long as he didn't let himself daydream or breathe her in too deep. "And we'll catch the rides again after that."

They wandered through the booths in a comfortable silence looking at quilts and other crafts. Their shoulders or hands would touch as they moved through the crowd but their hands never caught. It wasn't uncomfortable but rather a companionable stroll, pointing things out to the other and occasionally a comment on something that was eye-catching.

Buffy stopped to look at a display of jewelry while Spike peeked over her shoulder.

"You like silver?" Spike asked, his fingers stroking her ear. "You don't seem to wear much jewelry except for these earrings."

"I don't know," Buffy said, fingering a braided chain. "It's pretty." 

"I'll bring you back some silver on this run," Spike whispered in her ear and rested his hand on her shoulder. "There's this great open market in Spain that has beautiful pieces."

Their eyes collided in mutual surprise as he unwittingly promised to not only buy her presents but that there would a next visit. She nodded, turning to slip her arm around his waist, while he led them away. Spike was busy examining his emotions and was relieved to find that he wasn't panicking at the thought that he'd be expected to see her next time they docked. It was anticipation that was winning out with a little excitement to know someone might be waiting for him. 

"What do I want?"

"Huh?" Spike asked, broken from his enjoyment of her body moving in time with his as they walked. "What do you mean?"

Buffy was standing in the aisle glancing from the ice cream booth to the pretzel stand. 

"Neither," Angel said, turning a corner and into their path.  Cordelia was right beside him. "Buffy, you've had breakfast, lunch and cotton candy. Enough."

"Do not come between me and food," Buffy said, her nose rising in the air. "If I'm hungry, I'm going to eat."

"And eventually it will settle somewhere," Cordelia said, glancing down at Buffy's hips encased in tight khaki shorts. "But that's beside the point Angel was trying to make. We were thinking about grilling some steaks tonight and we were going to invite you two."

"No big party?" Buffy asked, wrinkling her nose. "It would just be the four of us?"

 "If I have my way," Angel said, snaking an arm around his girlfriend. "So, can you contain that appetite for dinner?"

Spike laughed when Buffy sighed and agreed with a last lingering look at the ice cream. 

"Come on," Spike said, "Let's go catch a few more rides before we leave."

"Meet you at the gate in an hour?" Angel asked. "Cordy and I are going to look around here for awhile."

"No problem," Buffy said, before taking off for the nearest exit. 

Spike followed her, his eyes drawn to those hips that Cordy had insulted, loving the curves and softness that was promised by them. He looked up when they stopped their swaying to find Buffy staring at a photo booth. She looked back at him cautiously, her lower lip caught between her teeth and he winked his approval. It was a day to go with the flow and he didn't want to make her feel rejected again.

"Get in," Spike said, pulling the curtain back. 

Buffy stepped into the booth and scrunched into the corner. "Now you won't need my underwear to remember me by. You'll have pictures."

"I'm still keeping the panties," Spike said, handing her the money to feed into the machine. He settled next to her on the too little stool. They adjusted the height so their faces were in the small screen. He still had to scrunch down so they'd both fit. Buffy leaned forward and fed the bills in. 

"Ready?" She asked as the last bill slid into the machine and turned to him. "Oh," she whispered against his lips. His scrunching had left them cheek to cheek and she was so very close. He swallowed staring into eyes turned jade with passion. It was too much to resist. The big deal he'd planned on was forgotten as he closed the gap between them. Their lips met, broke apart for a split second before they met again. The flash went off and they chuckled without breaking contact. 

Spike knew he'd drown if they ever got this close and he wasn't wrong. She tasted like cotton candy and long, lazy summer afternoons. Her tongue darted into his mouth, taking the initiative and throwing him off balance. The way he'd been since he met her. All his carefully erected walls were taking a beating from the girl devouring him as if she was starving. But if she was, so was he, as they kissed through the last flash and finally stopped when there was loud hemming and hawing coming from outside the booth. 

Feeling a bit sheepish they stepped out of the booth and retrieved their photos. Joining hands they quickly walked from the exhibit hall and into the waning afternoon sun. Halfway to the midway they had to stop. They were both laughing so hard that they couldn't breathe. Spike wrapped his arms around her waist and twirled her around. They had surmounted another obstacle and he was still intact much to his astonishment. 

"Oh, God, Spike," Buffy breathed, with her arms looped around his neck. "That is one kiss I will never forget." She pressed her lips to his forehead. "It was like going a hundred miles an hour downhill."

He slipped his arm under her knees and continued to hold her close to him. 

"Could have told you that," Spike whispered, into the softness of her hair. "Baby, I've always been bad for equilibrium."

Buffy laughed and flung her head back. It was a moment that he knew he'd never forget either. She was pushing aside his darkness with the sunshine she seemed to be made of. It was scary and exhilarating at the same time. He set her back on her feet but kept his arm around her waist because he couldn't let her go yet. They were friends, he reminded himself, just friends. And wondered how long he could keep lying to himself.

_to be continued_…

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	11. Patience and Roots

**Chapter 11 – Patience and Roots**

"Isn't this cute?" Faith said with sarcasm dripping from her every word. "Buffy's idea right?"

Spike twisted the top off his beer as he turned to look at Angel's sister holding two of the pictures from the photo booth. Buffy had divided them up on the way home giving him two and taking two for herself. They were kissing in all four. Some with just a little more enthusiasm and he knew they'd fuel quite a number of fantasies once he was back on the _Darla._ But now in Faith's hand he wasn't sure if it was embarrassment over the photos or anger that was reacting to Faith's taunts.

"Mutual idea actually," Spike said, reaching for his mementos.

Faith stepped back waving them out of his reach. "Oh, come on, Spike, you're what, twenty-six, older than all of us and it makes me wonder what you want with Buffy. I know she's pretty with the little girl 'tude that make all the boys want to take care of her but what does a man like you want with such fluff?"

"It's not really any of your business, now is it?" Spike asked, deciding not to play Faith's game and wait until she was through. 

"Nah," Faith shrugged. "It's not really. Just hate to see you waste your time on someone who is so obviously immature. Oh, Spikey, let's go have our pictures taken and I can tape it in my diary and write Mrs. Buffy Nagle all around it."

The pictures were held out to him and Spike took them back, tucking them into his pocket.  He couldn't quite figure out why Faith was so curious about his relationship with Buffy unless it was just the rivalry between the two women. It also irritated him that Faith had hit on something that he didn't understand about Buffy. Her childish naiveté that made him wonder how she could be twenty-three. She didn't act that way all the time and sometimes he could see a maturity in her that went way beyond her years. Maybe that was one of the reasons he kept hanging around; to see which one was the real Buffy.

"Don't be silly, Faith," Spike said. "Buffy doesn't act like that. It was cute, that's all. So, why don't you ever go out with Wesley?"

_Take that and let's see how you like it._

It was like watching a balloon deflate as Faith's eyes dropped and her finger slowly traced a pattern on the tiled counter. It was easy to see that the girl had feelings for Wesley that she tried to keep hidden. Her defenses were easily betrayed though with a direct confrontation. He saw the moment though that she regrouped and the flippant, sarcastic side of her returned.

"He's a geek," Faith said, her eyes flashed and her hair was tossed over her shoulder. "I'm more the action type and he likes to keep his nose buried in a book."

"Oh," Spike said, deciding to let her out for the moment until he knew more. "So, you keep hitting on me because I'm the big, dumb doer instead of a thinker?"

"I didn't say that. You do have your assets that are…well, noticeable," Faith said, seductively with her eyes raking over him. She propped her chin in her hand as she stared into his eyes. "And I'm all for a little more exploring."

Spike had to give her credit for being bold enough to speak her mind but it still wasn't enough to interest him. It should have though. Faith was exactly what he kept saying he wanted but she didn't interest him at all. His total attention was drawn to the blonde who seemed to be able to lead him around with just a smile. The conversation had to change course again before he had to either insult Faith or back himself into a corner. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet, removing a picture which he held up for Faith to look at. She reached for it but he kept it just far enough away. 

"Who's that?"

"It's my Mum and me," 

"Is that really you?" Faith said, smirking as she gazed at his teenage self with shoulder length brown hair and glasses that he hid behind. 

"Yeah, that picture was taken a week before high school ended," Spike said, slipping the picture into his wallet again. "I graduated in the top ten percent of my class and I got a full scholarship to university because of it."

If Faith understood his message she ignored it as she reached for his beer and took a long sip of it. Spike sighed as he leaned back against the opposite counter, crossing his arms as he waited for her next comment. 

"Was that your mother with you?" Faith asked, pointing at him with the bottle before setting it down again.

"Yeah, it is," Spike said, feeling the tug he always did when he thought of his mother. "She died a year later."

"Oh, God, I'm sorry," Faith said. "That's rotten. Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Nope, just me," Spike said. "My father split when I was a toddler so it was just us two."

He wasn't looking for sympathy, not from Faith or anyone. Even Buffy had been rebuffed in her attempt to comfort him when he'd told her about his parents. It was just the way things were. He had been a man without close friends, family or home before he signed on with the _Darla_. The few pictures of his former life, and his mother's jewelry were in a safe deposit box while everything else was in a distant cousin's attic. It had been the safest way to live. He couldn't be hurt if he was always on the move. 

Angel chose that moment to return to the kitchen, sitting next to his sister at the breakfast bar. It broke the tension Spike always felt around Faith. The conversation they'd just shared had eased a few of the barriers between them but he didn't think they'd ever be good friends. Her animosity toward Buffy was one reason but it was also the need they both seemed to have to show only one side of themselves to the rest of the world. A friendly truce was all Spike hoped for and that Faith wouldn't constantly put Buffy down around him. Her taunts only reinforced his own doubts about the girl that was becoming dangerously close to him.

"So, sis, are you hanging around tonight or what?" Angel asked, glancing at Spike.

"You just want to get rid of me so you two can play with your girl toys," Faith said, grinning at the brother she obviously adored. "Don't worry I'm out of here. Good luck Spike. Here's hoping you get something from Buffy that no one else has." She raised the beer bottle again and drained it.

Deciding to let her comment go, Spike turned to start finding the ingredients to make dinner. Angel had volunteered to grill the steaks while he prepared the rest of dinner. A cozy meal for four was the plan for the evening and Spike already knew that Angel would want to be alone with Cordelia leaving him time to be with Buffy. This would be the first time that the atmosphere would be deliberately romantic and he wondered where it would lead. That is if it led anywhere at all. Knowing the two of them it would be anything but quiet since fireworks tended to be more their style and Spike smiled as he thought of the past few days. Yep, anything was possible.

~~~~~~~~

They were alone at last. Angel and Cordelia had just snuck off to his bedroom leaving them alone. Buffy stretched her arms out along the side of the pool to hold herself up while she watched Spike. Something in her belly tightened as she watched him come toward her, swimming underwater. 

_Oh please let him kiss me again._

There had only been a quick kiss when they had dropped her at home earlier. And since she'd arrived at Angel's house there hadn't been enough privacy. They weren't comfortable enough with this new step in their relationship yet to flaunt it in front of others. She shivered as his hands closed over her ankles. The tightening in her belly loosened into butterflies as those hands drifted upwards, over her thighs, to rest on her hips as his face skimmed along her belly. A kiss was placed between her breasts before he broke free from the water. 

He shook himself, sending water flying everywhere and she squealed under the onslaught. His eyes were dancing as he floated closer and his hands moved to rest on hers. Their bodies bumped against each other as the water moved around them. Each touch was sending her into overdrive. Her nipples already beaded from the water hardened even further from brushing against his chest. The air between them was charged with the magnitude of their attraction and for a moment they stared into each other's eyes. Spike floated closer, his lips only a breath away and Buffy felt like she needed his kiss just to survive. But when he hesitated she decided to make the first move but he turned his head.

"Did I do something wrong?" Buffy asked, uncertain of what to do as she watched his walls come slamming down again. 

"No," Spike said, turning to look at her again. "I think I'm going to go in. Do you mind?"

_Yes._

There wasn't anything to do but let him go. She sighed as she watched him enter the house. It was frustrating to keep doing this dance. Every time he noticed that he was letting her in, he'd turn tail and run. She hadn't said anything at the carnival but she'd known what was going on when he'd drifted away from her for awhile. And just like she had earlier she knew it was best just to give him space for a little while. A smile graced her lips as she realized Spike reminded her of an abandoned kitten she'd found when she was a girl. The poor little thing had been so frightened of everything that it had taken her hours to get it to trust her. The kitten had been worth the investment of her time and she had no doubt that Spike would be too. She just had to be patient.

Buffy floated on her back out into the water to begin swimming laps. It would help her to cool down and give him time to relax before she approached him again. She let her body slip into a mindless routine of limbs gliding her through the water unaware that the object of her thoughts was watching her from the shadows of the house. After what seemed to be enough time she stepped out of the pool, wrapping towels around her hair and body before heading to the house. 

The only light in the family room was the flickering of the television. Spike was sprawled out on the couch when she entered the house and he looked up as she walked in.

"Hey, I'm going to go and get dressed," Buffy said. "Do you mind if I use your room to change?"

"No problem," Spike said. "I'll be right here."

_Of course you will be. Stop it. You knew what you were in for so quit being nit picky._

It only took her a few minutes to change back into black jeans and a red tank top. But she lingered longer than she needed to as she tried to formulate a plan so she wouldn't have to leave right away. She was in the middle of pulling her hair into a pony tail when Spike walked into the room. His eyes met hers in the mirror before he grabbed a small book off the nightstand.

"Sorry, needed to get this."

"No problem," Buffy said, deliberately echoing his words from a few minutes ago. His need for the book was an obvious ploy to see why she was taking so long. "I was just dawdling."

"No problem," Spike said, laughing when he realized that they had been repeating the same phrase to each other. He started walking backwards, catching his foot in her bag. It spilled over before he could untangle himself. She knelt to put her things back but he was already doing it. He picked up the pajamas she'd packed and when he held the top up to look at it, she blushed. His eyes raked over her. "Were you planning on us having a slumber party? Did you want to experiment with makeup and talk about boys too?"

"Don't be mean to me, Spike," Buffy said. His sarcasm hurt. It had been an impulsive gesture to pack her favorite pajamas since she wasn't sure how the evening was going to go. They'd ended up spending the last two nights sleeping together and she wanted to do the same tonight. Her blush faded as her eyes flashed her indignation. 

"I just don't understand you," Spike said, standing when she did. "I'm getting all these messages that you want to have sex but then you turn around and pack pajamas. They're not exactly meant to say come take me."

"And you don't seem to want to take me," Buffy snapped, turning to leave but he stopped her with a hand on her arm. She turned around, staring up into his eyes as he cupped her face.

"Don't ever say that. I want you more than you'll ever know and I'm doing everything I can to be a gentleman."

"Who asked you to?"

_Mistake, big mistake, _she thought as her rebellious words released him from his self-enforced restraints. He advanced on her, eyes never leaving hers, until the back of her thighs hit the dresser. His lips covered hers in the same motion of his arms pulling her against him. For the first time in her life she felt the unbridled passion of a man and the force of it was overwhelming her.  Her head was forced back as his tongue invaded her mouth, seducing hers to join his in an ancient dance of desire.

It never crossed her mind to be frightened. She wasn't thinking at all as she let her own needs meet his. Buffy gripped his shoulders, leaning back as his knee separated her legs so he could press himself against the apex of her thighs. The spark had been ignited and it wouldn't be long until it was burning out of control with no way to stop it. One of them was moaning as her head hit the wall. He pulled back for a second, picked her up and backed her into the wall this time, her legs automatically encircling his waist. 

_Why do I always end up against a wall? There's a perfectly good bed…oh…oh, don't stop._

Spike was doing that grinding thing again and her hips met him motion for motion. Every nerve in her body vibrated in response to what he was doing and she never wanted it to end. Her fingers slipped through his hair pulling the endless pleasure of his mouth closer to hers. And just at the moment when she was losing control, Spike quit.

"Tell me to stop, Buffy," Spike whispered. His breath was hot and ragged against her ear. "If you don't tell now I'm not going to be able to hold back."

"I don't want to tell you no," Buffy whispered back, nuzzling his neck, not caring about anything beyond this delicious feeling between them. 

"If you can tell me that you won't have any regrets about this, I'll do my best to make every fantasy of yours come true. But if there is any chance that you'll look in the mirror while I'm gone and wish you could take it back, tell me now."

Damn him. He had to open his mouth and throw sensible into the mix. There was that chance. A very big chance that she would question whether she'd made the right decision. Her body was ready. His body was ready. But his heart wasn't ready and she wasn't sure hers was either. If they would ever have the relationship she wanted they had to wait a little longer.  And honesty was the only thing she could give him as she tried to clear the clouds from her mind.

"I want to be ready, Spike…I just don't think I am yet."

"I know, I know," Spike said and he stepped back into the middle of the room still holding her. "On your feet, pet."

With reluctance Buffy let go of his waist and stood on her feet again but when she went to step away, he stopped her. In amazement she watched as he fell to his knees in front of her. With an infinitely gentle hand he lifted her foot, slipping off her sneaker then her sock. The sock was folded and slipped inside the shoe before being tucked under the edge of the bed. He repeated the gesture with her other foot in the same precise manner. He glanced up at her as if to ask her permission before his hands reached for the button of her jeans. There wasn't any need to think about it and she nodded her consent. He undid her pants and slid them down her legs, folding them and putting them on the bed. 

"You are so beautiful," Spike whispered, his hands holding her hips as he placed a kiss over her panties, _right there_. "I never want you to be uncomfortable with me."

"I'm not," Buffy said with a certainty that amazed even her. She did feel comfortable with him and had since she'd asked him to walk her home. Even with him helping her into her pajama bottoms she wasn't overly self conscious. For the first time in her life she felt like she could be herself with a man. "I know maybe it's too soon but I trust you not to hurt me."

Spike froze for a second but he hid any distress as he stood again. A quick kiss was dropped on her lips before he pulled her top over her head. She watched the changing emotions on his face as he stared for a moment at the clasp of her bra. With reverence he undid it, pushing it down her arms without ever touching her breasts. He stepped behind her and helped her into her top. Once she was properly covered he pulled her back against him. She was enveloped in arms that made her feel safe. His emotions were becoming easier for her to read and she knew that soon he'd be ready to shut down again.

"I know I'm not ready to crawl into that bed with you yet," Buffy said, chuckling to take the pressure off of them. "I need a little time to cool off." She turned to look at him. "Do you want to go and watch a movie or something?"

The relief was evident in his eyes as she took his hand and led him back to the family room. At least now the kitten was letting her pet him. She smiled as he pulled out the ice cream for her and let her choose a movie for them to watch. Time was all she needed.

~~~~~~~~

The flannel was soft against his cheek as Spike lay with his head on Buffy's lap. The movie droned on and he knew that neither of them was really watching it. They were both trying to ignore the wanting and need for each other. It had been one of the hardest things he'd ever done when he had stopped earlier. Never in his life had he wanted anyone as much as he did Buffy but her virginity was still the barrier between them. Well, that and his insane need to be some sort of knight for her in spite of his instinctive need to run. He could almost feel the chains circling his ankles to keep him returning to this small town. But if he was honest he knew it wasn't just Buffy pulling him here but the entire group. The family bonds they seemed to have despite the lack of blood ties. They would be there for each other no matter what and it almost made him want to be included. 

He turned on his back and looked up at her. Her eyes met his knowing what he wanted because he did it every few minutes. She scooped some ice cream out and dropped it into his mouth almost making him groan as she licked the spoon without returning for more of the frozen treat. Without saying anything he turned back to the movie, wondering how long that pint would last. Putting the pajamas on her had been his invitation for her to stay the night but if they went to bed too soon they'd be in trouble. So, they sat there waiting for their bodies to reach exhaustion so that maybe they wouldn't be tempted. But their bodies were humming and sleep seemed like it would never come.

The front door opened revealing Faith as she stumbled into the room. She stopped to look them over before plopping on the couch forcing Spike to move his feet before she sat on them. 

"Isn't this sweet?" Faith asked, her words slurring together. "Buffy, you really need to learn how to entertain a man properly." She patted Spike's leg. "Men, want a little fun not movies and ice cream."

The brunette was drunk and reeked of cigarettes and alcohol. It was sickening and Spike was about to retort her claim of 'entertaining' when Buffy placed a hand on his shoulder. He quieted down and turned his attention away from them. It wasn't really his place, he told himself, to stand up for Buffy and it didn't appear that she didn't want him to either. Faith wiggled around, throwing her feet up on the table, getting more comfortable. She was practically sitting on his feet and he decided that even if Buffy didn't want to say anything, he was uncomfortable with this. 

"I'm going to head for bed," Spike said, standing up. He kissed Buffy's cheek. "Join me when you're ready."

"I will," Buffy promised.

After reaching the bedroom, Spike pulled his clothes off and slipped into boxers that he bought that afternoon. He sighed when he thought of the trouble he'd given Buffy over the pajamas. He'd done the same thing that she had in trying to find a way to be together. Making a note to apologize again, he opened the door a crack and slipped into the bed. He wasn't going to go to sleep until Buffy got there and he wanted to keep an ear out in case Faith went too far. It wasn't really eavesdropping he reasoned because they could see that the door was open and would know he could hear everything. 

Sounds of someone in the kitchen reached him while the television began to rapidly change channels. He reasoned that it was Buffy in the kitchen cleaning up and Faith commandeering the remote control. 

"Have you fucked him yet?" Faith asked.

"None of your business," Buffy said.

"What are you waiting for? An engagement ring? A wedding night?" Faith said, laughing. "He's not the kind of guy that needs to wait around for it. Didn't he run out and find someone to give it to him the last time he left here? What makes you think he won't do it again?"

"Good night, Faith," Buffy said. The sound of her feet padding on the tile came closer to the bedroom. "Sleep well."

The door opened further and Buffy's shadow danced along the wall as she came toward the bed. The television flicked off. Faith had lost her audience and with it apparently her enthusiasm to watch anything. A minute later the door to Faith's bedroom closed and Spike could feel the tension uncoil from around them as they were left with the feeling of being alone again. 

"You okay?" Spike asked, watching Buffy pull the sheets back to slip into the bed. 

"I'm fine," Buffy said, curling against his side. "Most of the time she doesn't bother me. It's just when she strikes without warning and tries to embarrass me that it hurts."

"Has it always been this way between you?"

"No," Buffy sighed. "When you're little the differences between people don't bother you as much as when you start to grow up. It didn't help our friendship when people kept comparing us and somewhere around eighth grade we stopped even trying to get along. It's funny," Buffy said with a small laugh, "because we're more alike than we're willing to admit."

Spike couldn't see how. The two women were totally different from their looks, styles and attitudes.  "I don't see it."

"You wouldn't," Buffy said. "Nobody does but it's there and even we've gotten used to it. Both of us existing in that little box we were put in when we were younger and we're too afraid to break out of it."

And with sudden clarity Spike understood the separate sides of Buffy's personality. The little girl was what everyone expected from her and the fleeting glances of a mature woman was the real her. It's what gave her the ability to rise above what life had offered her by quitting college to help her parents out, by not hating Faith in spite of every reason she should and giving her the ability to deal with him. In spite of what Faith had said earlier, Spike realized he was more protective of the woman in Buffy than the little girl. It was the woman in her that had been forged with great heartache and it made him want to make sure she was happy.

Spike pulled her closer to him. He knew that if he returned to Sunnydale again, it wouldn't be chains that would hold him here but roots that were sprouting from the very soles of his feet. He tried to tell himself that he was only going to come back because he was too honorable to break a promise to the woman in his arms. But that was a lie too. It would be Buffy and the people around her. It would be the growing hope that maybe it would be possible for him to belong somewhere and to someone. 

_to be continued…_


	12. Time Away

**Chapter 12 – Time Away**

The ocean was lapping against the ship lulling Spike into a tranquil state with its gentle rhythmic motions. He took a deep drag on his cigarette as his lover's embrace reminded him why he'd run to her. No games. No confusion. No demands other than his back in return for a security that no woman could give. 

But then there was Buffy…

She was never far from his mind and he missed her arms around him when he slept. He missed her lips kissing him good morning and good night. Those longings were dangerous because for the first time in three years he yearned for solid ground beneath his feet. 

Footsteps sounded from the stairs and he turned to see who else was venturing topside in the middle of the night. He flicked his cigarette away as he straightened up when he saw Angel's dark form. On land they were friends but on ship Angel was still his crew boss; deserving of his respect and needing his obedience. 

"Just me, Spike," Angel said, letting Spike know he wasn't there on official ship business. "What are you doing up here?"

"Thinking, things have been a bit confusing lately."

"Ah, Buffy's got you all tangled up doesn't she?"

Spike laughed. Tangled up didn't begin to cover it. What could he say? He wanted the girl like he'd never wanted anyone. She was the flame to which he was drawn even though he knew the risk of being burned was possible, probable even. And she could do it so easily without ever intending to hurt him. Following his companion's lead, Spike leaned on the railing again and watched the wake the ship left as it cut through the water.

"I guess you could say that," Spike confided after a few minutes. It wasn't easy to share his feelings especially to her best friend.  "I wasn't expecting or wanting to meet anyone. Much less someone who…" He trailed off with a wry grin and a shake of his head.

"Someone who makes you wonder which way is up?" Angel asked, smiling. "She's always been that way. Kinetic thy name is Buffy."

It was supposed to make him laugh but Angel's words only made him more confused. What did someone like Buffy want with him? She was energy and light and he…well, he was darkness and acumen. They were opposites and only doomed for a brief attraction but yet the fire between them flared more out of control with each visit. They couldn't even burn the desire away leaving them with an easy good-bye and he was finding the more he tried to fight it, the more entangled he became.

"Are you sure she isn't a witch or something?" Spike asked with a forlorn undertone. He was still hoping for something that would give him an easy out. 'You know like doing a love spell on me."

"That's good," Angel said. "Nah, Buffy isn't a witch. She's just a girl that is sometimes determined to save the whole world and other times she just wants to run away and be silly."

_Thank God. He brought the subject up.  
  
_

"Why does everyone treat Buffy like she's that silly girl? You know, all primp and fluff instead of the woman that she is?"

Angel looked startled and for a moment Spike could see the other man battle with himself as to whether to confide in Buffy's new interest or not. Spike could understand the position he'd put Angel in. But it was Angel's thing, not Buffy's, and he wouldn't really be breaking any confidences. Spike straightened and lit another cigarette, surprised when Angel held his hand out. Maybe there was more than he bargained for and he handed the lit one to his friend before lighting a second one for himself.

"Buffy never told you?"

"Nope," Spike said. "The only thing she said was that she and Faith were put into these places and neither of them has ever tried to break free from them."

"They were twelve," Angel started. "They were still friends at that point, competitive but still friends. The two of 'em along with this other girl, Amy, was all in gymnastics together. The three of them were going to change Sunnydale cheerleading forever. They were always hanging around the house, giggling, being loud, and irritating the shit out of me. It was always, 'Angel, come help us with our pyramids' or 'Angel, can you move the mattress outside so we don't get hurt'. There were times when I wanted to…kill them. I just wanted them to leave me alone."

_Bollocks…this isn't going to be good._

Silence reigned for a minute as Angel seemed lost in thought somewhere. His gaze was fixated on the moonlight splashed across the ocean but Spike knew his mind was lost in the past. He let Angel deal with it the way he needed to and waited.

"It was early August," Angel continued. "Those long days that never seemed to end when you're a kid and you're getting in as much of life as you can before school starts again. They'd been following me around all day, just being pests and I got fed up and told them I'd wish they'd just go away. That I never wanted to see any of them again."

"Whatever it was," Spike interrupted. "It couldn't have been your fault, you know. You were what thirteen, weren't you?"

"Yeah, but I'm still the oldest," Angel said with a laugh. He took one last drag of the cigarette before flicking it out over the ocean. "Every single last one of them looks to me to be in charge, to make the decisions, to be the wise one. And I've run away to sea; left them to their own devices, left the girl who could have loved me, left my sister lost in her own guilt, all because I'm a coward."

"What the bloody hell happened?"

It was still affecting them all ten years later and Spike was almost too scared to find out. But he also knew at that age, life was just unfolding, leaving behind childhood and anything that happens could be catastrophic. Hopefully it was just something that was…

"She died," Angel said. His eyes shut while his fingers twisted together.  "Amy's mother, that is. After I yelled at them, the girls decided to go back to Amy's house instead of mine. No one had a clue what was going on in that house or maybe they did and they just never said anything. The girls walked in on Amy's parents fighting. Amy's mother was off…always a little weird but no one thought that she'd…Her mother's tirade turned to Amy when they walked in the door. Amy wasn't any good. She had ruined her mother's life." Angel paused, taking a deep breath as he blinked the emotions from his eyes. "Faith and Buffy were there, hearing and seeing everything. Faith was so scared that she couldn't move. Our parents never fought like that. Buffy ran to a neighbor's house and had them call for help. By the time the police got there, Amy's mother was dead, fell down the stairs and broke her neck, Faith was in shock. It was ruled an accident and Amy and her Dad left town never to be heard from again. Buffy got all the praise for going for help and Faith blamed herself for not doing more. And it was over with, the summer, their friendship and my sister."

"And Buffy, you're holding onto her with everything you've got…" Spike said, squeezing his friend's shoulder. 

"Yeah, I am." Angel agreed, turning to look at Spike. 

The two men returned their gaze to the sea. For a man that wanted no ties, Spike felt oddly humbled by the trust that was given him by the man next to him. Their friendship had only deepened with Angel's confession and made Spike even more aware of the trust that was being given to him in regards to Buffy.  And he searched his heart knowing that if he didn't intend to do right by her then he needed to break all ties now but he could only find the desire to hold her tight. 

~~~~~~~~

It was just a daydream but what a dream it was. Spike was making love to her in the sunlight. It shone around his head like a halo and Buffy blinked away the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks. He'd been gone for two weeks and every day seemed longer than the last. He'd become such a part of her in such a short time. It didn't make sense, it wasn't logical, but her heart wasn't listening. Technically she'd known him since the beginning of May which was twelve weeks ago but she'd only spent five days with him. Five days and he was becoming an integral part of her life. 

Buffy sighed and flipped the page of the magazine, trying to concentrate on the latest fall fashions. She was lying on her stomach in the living room, trying to kill time until she had to leave for work. Nothing really held her interest and she hadn't been out with her friends in days. And every night before she went to bed she'd mark the day off the calendar. One less day until the _Darla returned. _

"Buffy," Joyce said, looking up from her paperwork at the table. "What are you doing?"

"Reading," Buffy replied without moving. She popped her gum and flipped the page again. "Do you need me to do something for ya?"

"Yeah, get off your ass and be productive."

"Excuse me," Buffy said, and jerked her head around to look at her mother. "What exactly would you like me to do? I have to be at work in three hours."

"Come here," Joyce said, patting the spot next to her at the table. She waited until her daughter was settled in the chair before taking one of her hands in hers. "I know you really care about Spike. And I think the two of you have a pretty good shot at something real but, Buffy, you can't just sit around and wait for him."

"I'm not," Buffy protested even though she knew her mother was right. She squirmed in her seat for the lie but she didn't want to have to deal with reality. Living in a Spike induced fantasy was enough for her right now. Everything else could wait until she had him next to her again. She glanced up at her mother staring at her and sighed. "Okay, fine, I'm waiting but it's not like anything else major is going on."

"School; it's going on or will be going on soon. Why don't you go back?"

"I can't, Mom," Buffy said, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. "We decided this a long time ago. I work and help out. No school for me."

"I appreciate it and so does your father," Joyce said. She reached out to her daughter but Buffy stayed out of her grasp. Buffy thought she saw her mother's face scrunch in disappointment but it was gone when Joyce spoke. "Things are pretty stable now. There shouldn't be anymore than the usual expenses and I'm back to working part-time. So, I think it's time for you to resume your life."

"I have a life," Buffy exclaimed, standing to pace the room. "I work at The Edge, I have friends and I have Spike." She threw her arms wide. "And I have you and Dad. Why change things now?"

"You can't save the whole world, Buffy," Joyce said. "It's not your responsibility to fix things for me or for your friends. If we hadn't needed the help so much I never would have let you quit in the first place."  

No matter what Buffy said, her mother would have a logical counterpoint for it. She slumped back in her chair and stared down at the table top. She was so far behind everyone else now and she wasn't sure she'd fit in anymore. Her previous dream of being a lawyer didn't even seem real anymore. Not that she'd had the intellectual capacity for that anyway as her test scores had blatantly told her. Living had become a moment to moment thing since her mother's accident. Get through the day alive and you'd get a second chance the next day. Spike wouldn't be back for another two or three weeks and the days stretched interminable. Then an idea hit her; if she was in school during the day and she was working nights then she'd be too busy to miss him. 

Her concession had to have shown on her face because Joyce smiled at her. "Promise me tomorrow that you'll go down and talk to your old counselor and see about signing up for classes." 

"Okay, I will," Buffy said. "First thing in the morning I'll go."

"Good, good," Joyce said, opening her arms for a hug. "I'm glad that you are seeing sense about this."

It was the most sensible thing she could do. Everybody would be happy if she returned to school and time between Spike's visits would go by faster. Yep, Buffy could please everyone at one time and give her life meaning. School wasn't a bad idea at all. Not a bad idea at all.

_to be continued_…


	13. Dreaming of You

**Chapter 13 – Dreaming of You**

The cursor was blinking, waiting for him to enter the information. Spike glanced to his left at Angel then to his right at Xander. They had docked earlier that morning and had been given the afternoon off. For the first time he was in the group of men that were 'taken'. They hung together on shore leave to help keep each other out of temptation's way. The single guys were out carousing while the 'takens' were either shopping or at the internet café, like the three of them were now. Angel and Xander were busy typing messages to their girls while Spike sat staring at the form to fill out to get an email account.

With a roll of his head, Spike gave up and typed in the information. A few clicks later and he was now 'DeadSexySpike'. A couple of clicks more and he was ready to write an email to 'LytleGreenEyes'. His fingers itched and his brain kept up a litany of 'another nail, another nail, another nail', but the thought of Buffy smiling at his reaching out moved him to start typing.

Hey Cutie, we're in Spain right now. Haven't forgotten my promise to get you some silver. Me and the guys are heading over to the market when we leave here. The trip's been okay so far, calm water and easy loads. Can't believe it's been two weeks already since we were in Sunnydale. Think about you a lot. Spike

All it took was one more click and the email was gone. 

"Wasn't so bad?" Angel asked. "Now was it?"

Spike looked up to find his two friends smirking at him. It was like he'd just passed some sort of initiation into a private club or something. He was tempted to look at the bottom of his feet to see if something was growing out of them. Sighing, Spike stood, glancing between his mates, "Don't we have some shopping to do or something?"

"Yeah," Xander said, patting Spike on the back. "Aren't you supposed to be buying a present for Buffy?"

"Nah," Angel joked. "There's no way a free wheeling guy like Spike would be sending emails to a girl back home or buying her presents on his day off. Not when he could be carousing with all the other single, lonely guys. Getting drunk, getting into fights and oh, yes, don't forget about spending his entire paycheck on himself."

"Bloody hell," Spike retorted. "Can't you just give it a rest? Buffy and me are just friends, no commitments."

And his words didn't even convince himself as they headed to buy presents for the women waiting for them back in Sunnydale.

~~~~~~~~

"Buffy, pick up the phone," Rupert said, poking his head in the door of her bedroom. "It's Cordelia for you."

"Thanks, Dad," Buffy said, rolling over and grabbing her phone off the nightstand. "Hello."

"Girl, check your email," Cordelia said, laughing. "I think someone sent you something."

"What?" Buffy screamed, running and sliding down the hallway to her father's small office "Oh, my God, talk to me. Tell me something as I get signed on. I can't stand it."

"I got an email from Angel and he said that Spike was hanging out with him and Xander," Cordelia said. "And you know what that means."  
  


It was a declaration that they were dating. All the girls knew the status of the sailors and who they hung with. If Spike was with the guys who were in relationships then he was telling everyone that he considered himself off the market. Buffy was giddy with excitement at the news because that meant he was hers. She was bouncing in her seat as she signed on and clicked for her mail. 

"Oh, there it is," Buffy squealed. "He did send one." She clicked on it and blinked at the shortness of it. "Yep, definite email of only six lines."

"Do not complain, young lady," Cordelia said. "It was a big step and you know it."

"I do, I do and I am so happy about it but it didn't leave a lot for me to respond to."

"And that's why you have me to help," Cordelia answered smoothly. Buffy could almost see the brunette curling up in her chair with her personal 'How to Get Men' guide. "Read it to me."

Buffy did as she was asked. The second time around any and all disappointment had disappeared. It was pure Spike; direct and to the point. No flowery speeches that wouldn't mean a damn thing in the end. She'd listen to Cordelia's advice but knew she'd have to follow Spike's style for awhile. 

"Have you ever called him by any cute nicknames or anything?"

"Nope, nothing but Spike," Buffy answered, clicking on the buttons to get a blank form. 

"Don't do it now," Cordelia advised. "It will come off forced or way to cutsie for words. So, just start it with something like 'hey, Spike' or something. My advice is next time he's in town wait for one of those moments. You do know what I mean, right?"

"Yeah," Buffy said, typing as she listened to her friend.

"Pick a name in advance, like baby, or sweetie, and make sure you haven't called any of the other guys by this name. And in that moment do something for him to associate with it and use the name. And any time he hears you call him that, he'll remember exactly what you were doing the first time you called him that."

"Oh," Buffy said, leaning back and scrunching her nose. "You mean like when we're in the middle of making out and just as my hand grabs him call him Stud or something?"

"Yeah, sure, if that's your thing," Cordelia said. "I'd use something a little more romantic but hey, to each their own."

"I was kidding with you," Buffy laughed. "What's your nickname for Angel?"

"Private matter and will not be answered," Cordelia answered primly. "And now back to you, first you want to let him know that you appreciate him sending the email without sounding like you were waiting for it. And, don't, whatever you do, allude to the fact you know what it means."

"Oh, you mean, don't let him know that by sending it he may as well have stamped 'taken' on his own forehead?"

"Yes Buffy, that one."

The two women laughed as they tossed a few ideas back and forth before Buffy typed out a sentence.

"Now let's go over the content of the email," Cordelia instructed. "You want to make sure that you remind him of something fun that the two of you did together or something that makes him think of sex and you at the same time."

"Want to make sure he's all hot and bothered when he gets here?"

"And waiting for you and only you," Cordelia said.

"Uh, virgin here, remember? I don't want to tease him with no way of dealing with it," Buffy said. "We've agreed to wait a little longer."

"Oh, goodness," Cordelia said, clearly sounding exasperated. "You aren't getting him off any other way?"

Buffy flushed. She could feel it from her toes all the way up to her hairline. She'd only tried the one time. Since then she'd only been expecting to get rejected again. It wasn't like she had a lot of practical knowledge of how to do those 'other things' anyway and Spike hadn't been encouraging it. 

"No," Buffy confessed. "It just hasn't worked out yet. Something always happens to stop us." She sighed. "We sleep all curled up together. It's sweet."

"Are you sure he's not gay?"

"Only if Angel's seduced him," Buffy retorted. 

"Funny, very funny," Cordelia said. "What do you sleep in? Has he said he likes something about it? You just want something that will make him think of you and feel good."

"I sleep in flannel pajamas," Buffy said, ignoring the outraged yelp on the other end of the phone. "Maybe I could ask him how he's treating my underwear that he stole."

"He's got your panties?" Cordelia said in an awe filled voice. "Whoa, that is usually something that is either a one night stand or a long standing relationship item. I'm proud of you. Yes, mention it. It means he's already thinking about you all the time. I wonder if he's carrying them or has them in his locker." There was a pause for a moment. "Oh, please do not tell me that they are plain cotton briefs or something." 

"White lace thong," Buffy said proudly.

"Good, very good," Cordelia voiced her approval. "Virginal but brimming with sex and that's probably how he sees you. Now, for the ending, you need to let him know that you are waiting for him but aren't ready to pounce on his freedom and take it away."

"Oh, God, who would have thought that a simple email would take so much planning," Buffy complained, resuming her typing. She threw out several ideas to her friend and after a retakes the email was ready.

Hello, Spike. I really appreciated receiving your email. It went a long way to brighten up an otherwise dreary day but you just seem to have a way of doing that for me. I hope the market was a lot of fun and can't wait to see what you've found. I think Angel has mentioned it before and has gotten some beautiful pieces from there. Are my panties happy in their new home in your locker? They like to get aired out every once in awhile just so you know. Hope the rest of your trip is as easy as the first half has been. I want to do more than think about you and hope that the wind is behind the Darla so that you're here sooner than planned. Buffy

The contents were approved by Cordelia and Buffy after reading it over one last time sent it on its way. It was amazing to her that the guys were halfway across the world and yet they could communicate. After a few minutes more of conversation Buffy hung up the phone. Feeling their homesickness, Buffy dashed off emails to the other three men. Her afternoon was bittersweet with hearing from Spike but knowing that he was still weeks from home. And for the first time she had to admit that maybe her mother was right as she buried herself in choosing the courses she would take. Maybe this time in her need to keep her mind occupied she'd make better grades.

~~~~~~~~

Spike to Buffy:

Hello, yourself. The ship is leaving in a few hours but we came to check for news from home. It was really great that you returned my email. I could picture you all curled up in those silly pajamas writing me back, making me compete with some kind of food. It was ice cream wasn't it? I found you several pieces of jewelry, a locket and some earrings that are long and dangly. I was looking at them and could picture them all bright against the gold of your skin and hair and it made me catch my breath. I had to buy them. I can't wait to see them on you. By the way your panties are just fine, getting a lot of air. All the guys know about them and have seen the pictures. They've all bugged me because my ugly mug is in the way. I need pictures of just your sweet face. Tried to steal Angel's but they look like they were taken in high school. I want to see you the way you are now. Well, I need to go. Spike

~~~~~~~

Buffy to Spike:

They all know? Did you show them? Oh, my God, how embarrassing especially since I know them. Too bad you don't wear any otherwise I'd steal them and take them down to the ship's office to show them around. Oh, don't be grumpy, just teasing you. It's kind of naughty to know you have them. I like it. Shhh, don't tell anyone. Not that they'd believe it of me anyway. I'm starting college again. Haven't picked a major yet again because I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. Guess I'll figure it out along the way. Thank you for the jewelry and I can't wait to see it. And you versus ice cream, you'd win every time. Unless of course the ice cream was on you then it would be a draw. Buffy

~~~~~~~

Spike to Buffy:

Don't do that. I'm going to have to sit at this damn table until I can quit thinking of you and ice cream. Evil woman luring me into the darkness. Should have known it the first night, what with the seducing me in an alley bit. Just for that when I'm back on the ship I'm running that lacy thing up the flag pole and let everybody see what a wanton woman Buffy Anne Summers really is. Back to University, huh? That's good. I'm glad that you're moving along with your life. Well, the ship is heading back to Sunnydale in the morning so I'll see you soon. Have ice cream ready when I get there. Spike

~~~~~~~~

Buffy turned her computer off with a smile. It was becoming more comfortable between her and Spike. The ease of the emails was proof of that but right then she needed his arms to hold her. She needed more than cold letters on a screen so in an effort to be closer to him she headed for the roof of her father's store. She leaned against the wall, wrapping an afghan tighter around her, as she stared out to the sea. Like women had for centuries before her, she peered into the darkness willing the ship that carried her man to appear. 

"Hurry home to me, Spike," Buffy whispered into the wind hoping somehow it would reach him. "I need to hold you."

_to__ be continued…_

Author's Note:   Thank you to Sunlit5 for the nickname of 'DeadSexySpike'.


	14. Take it to the Limit

**Chapter 14 – Take It to the Limit**

Spike was waiting for her right where he said he would be. His legs were stretched out in front of him as he stared out into nothing. A curl of smoke rose from the cigarette dangling from his fingertips. Buffy smiled at the picture he made while butterflies danced in her stomach. It was the second time that night that she'd seen him so she didn't know why she was so nervous. At least the stomach flips wasn't as bad as when the guys had first come in for the celebratory drinks. 

When he had walked through the door it had taken everything Buffy had not to run into his arms but his grin had let her know he felt the same. Somehow they had made it through without embarrassing themselves. The drinks had been ordered and delivered with detached interest but when the guys had dispersed, Spike had waited around until she went on break. She had taken him to the alley outside the kitchen where everyone hung out. 

Thankfully there was no one else there because as soon as they were alone they were upon each other. Four weeks of pent up loneliness and frustration was unleashed as their kisses reached fevered pitches. It was everything she needed to reaffirm that she wasn't the only one falling. His hands had rushed over her body as she pressed herself as close to him as she could get. 

Spike had noticed the changes she had done to her hair. Buffy had it done a few days before he came home. Cutting it so she had bangs again and having silver blonde highlights added to the honey gold. Her mother had told her she was crazy for having her hair done so it would match the jewelry Spike had bought her. But after she'd slip the shoulder length silver chandelier earrings into her ears just the look on his face had told her it was worth it. And being squeezed between him and her usual place against the wall while his tongue devoured her was the reward for her slide into impulsiveness. When her break was over Spike had left her with promises that he'd be waiting for her.

He was.

A curl of excitement ventured through her when he noticed her and stood. His smile was wide as he pulled her against him in a hug.

"Thanks for coming back," Buffy said. 

They broke apart and started walking toward the bookstore. Buffy reached for his hand but found that he had shoved them in the pockets of his jeans. His gait was almost a shuffle while he stared at the sidewalk. Something was up. Whatever it was had happened between the time he'd left her earlier to now. She wasn't worried about him breaking up with her or anything but if he didn't talk then the rest of the evening might be ruined.

"Spike, what's up?"

"Nothing. Why do you say that?"

Buffy stopped and waited for him to do the same. 

"Something is going on so why don't you just tell me?"

Spike met her eyes briefly then looked back down at the ground. "Igotusamotelroom."

"Huh?"

At least he laughed before looking up at her. "Angel said I could stay at his place but his parents are home so I couldn't very well invite you there. Besides he's probably going to be at Cordy's and you live with your parents so I got a motel room."

"So, you're inviting me to go to a motel with you?" Buffy deciding to pretend outrage used her iciest tone and an arched eyebrow as she stared at him but she couldn't hold it when Spike looked hurt. She rested her hand on Spike's arm. "It's okay. I'm glad you did."

"It doesn't mean that I expect us to do anything or you know…" Spike trailed off still uncomfortable with how she might react to his news. 

"Spike, the last time you were in town we slept together and I'd be disappointed if we couldn't have that this time."

The grin that danced across his face matched the warm glow lighting her from the inside. They were still in synch from earlier as their hands found each other and continued the walk back to her place. It was one of those times when the whole world seemed to be working with you. The night was still warm and filled with the sweet scent of the ocean. Buffy almost wished they could freeze that short time because all was well. She sighed at the bottom of the stairs knowing that a small moment of paradise was gone.

Spike followed her up to the apartment being as quiet as he could. It didn't take her long to pack a bag for the next couple of days and knowing that Spike was poking around her room helped to hurry the process along. She had already grabbed some clothes when she opened her underwear drawer.

"I like red," Spike said, peering over her shoulder. "And that little yellow number with the ribbons, bring that one."

"Would you like to pick them out yourself?" Buffy said, laughing up at Spike as he wrapped his arm around her waist. He started to search through the drawer but she pushed back against him. "Stop it, Spike, a gentleman doesn't go through a lady's drawers."

"He does if she wants to feel good," Spike whispered in her ear. He bit down on the lobe, sucking it into his mouth. "Do you want to feel good?"

"Already do," Buffy whispered, melting back against the solid support of his body. She laid her head back on his shoulder giving him access to nibble on her neck. "How can you do this to me?"

"Because you're doing it to me too."

Spike turned her around in his arms, pulling her flush against his hardening body. It was almost torture as he kissed her in a flash of heated desire. The world and everything spun out of existence until the back of her knees hit her bed. Buffy shook her head as reality crashed unwelcome back into her conscious. Somehow she stopped herself from falling backwards. 

"Not here," Buffy whispered, hating having to halt again. "Not in my parent's house."

Their foreheads rested against the other's as they attempted to calm their breathing. Her fingers plucked at his shirt. For the second time in one night they'd pushed the limits on frustration. 

"Sorry, pet," Spike said, his arms tightening around her. "Guess I'm not being much of a gentleman after all."

"That's not true," Buffy declared. "Let's just get out of here so we can be alone."

"Seems that might be for the best," Spike said. "I'm going to head downstairs and wait for you."

The words unspoken were still clear to them both. He was leaving to get them out of temptations way. But it would only be a temporary solution because they were walking right into the lion's den with a motel room.  Hurrying Buffy threw the rest of the things she'd need into her bag, grabbed her backpack and slipped back down the hall. It took her only a moment to tell her mother where she was going but she knew her father was awake from the stiffness of his back. At twenty-three she was old enough to do what she wanted but it didn't mean that her parents had to like it. It wasn't the time to talk to him about it and even with his disapproval she wasn't going to stop being with Spike as much as she could.

Spike was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. He looked up to watch her descend, holding his hand out to take her bags from her. She handed them over with a quick thank you. An air of awkwardness had come between them, neither saying anything as they made their way to the 'Sea Watch Inn'. It was a decent establishment that usually catered to families with kitchenettes in each room. He handed her the key and allowed her to unlock it. Another way of once again letting her decide if she wanted to take this next step. Buffy couldn't understand how he could think that he wasn't a gentleman when he was constantly doing things like that. Not once with him had she felt pressured or used which only made her fall so much easier.

The room was what she expected. The furniture was old but clean with two beds and a dresser with a television on top of it. The kitchenette was to her left and the bathroom was beside it with the door against the far wall. She wasn't sure what the etiquette was at this point. Was she supposed to throw herself on the bed saying ravage me or wait for him to make a move? Needing something familiar to do until an answer became a little bit clearer she unpacked. Her jeans and under things were put in the dresser while she hung her blouses, slacks and skirts. Not knowing what they were going to be doing she had brought a little of everything. The present she'd bought for Spike was put on the dresser top. Her makeup and toiletries were taken to the bathroom. 

When she returned Spike was out on the patio smoking, his duffel bag still unpacked on the bed. On his previous trips he'd left everything in it but she decided since this time they were planning on making this their home for the next forty-eight hours that he should unpack. With a shrug of her shoulders and a quick glance outside she unzipped the bag. He looked back at her just as she was pulling out his clothes but he didn't say anything so she continued. 

"Would you like a drink or something?" Spike asked, stepping back into the room. "I went by the store and picked up a few things. There's some soda and wine. Got some snacks and stuff for breakfast."

"A glass of wine sounds nice," Buffy said, closing the dresser drawer. She went to get his toiletries from the bag but found another present tucked in the side pocket. Spike had said he'd gotten her something else but she wasn't going to assume anything. So, she laid it on the dresser and took his things into the bathroom.

Figuring that Spike was still in the kitchen, Buffy decided to go ahead and take her birth control pill. She'd gotten in the habit of taking them when she got off work. Tonight was a little late but it wasn't like she was depending on them at the moment. She'd just popped the pill from the packet when she felt him behind her. Trying to be nonchalant she went ahead and took the pill, swallowing it down with water from the sink. 

"When did you start taking these, pet?" Spike asked, reaching for the packet.

"After you left the first time," Buffy said, looking down at her fingers drawing nonexistent designs on the bathroom counter.

"I thought you wanted to wait?"

"I said I wanted to wait," Buffy said, turning to smile at him. "Not that I didn't want to."

The pills were handed back to her and she returned them to her makeup case. Straightening she turned to Spike waiting for him to say something. There was something sad in his eyes as he looked at her. He caressed her cheek and sighed.

"Buffy, what are you waiting for? I'm not trying to pressure you. Said I was willing to wait until you were ready but, luv, if you're waiting for me to say 'I love you' or for a wedding ring then it's never going to happen." Spike stopped for a moment as his hand rested on her waist. "And if that's what you want then maybe you had better rethink this whole thing."

It always came back to these two issues. His refusal to commit and her virginity; eventually one of the two was going to have to give. And Buffy already knew which one it would be. She would have to yield and maybe by giving him all of her he would see that what they had could be real and last. He wasn't ready to hear that. Only when he thought she'd given up those dreams before had he stayed and now he needed that reassurance again. 

"Spike," Buffy said, wrapping her arms around him. She decided to be only partially honest because technically she wasn't really holding back sex for either of those things. "That's not what I'm waiting for. Actually I'm not sure what I'm waiting for but I figure as long as I have doubts then I'm not ready." She laughed. "Does that make any sense?"

"For you it does," Spike said, laughing with her. "Like I said before I don't want you to have any regrets so until that time comes, no sex for Miss Buffy."

"And what about Mr. Spike?"

The way he'd said it made her wonder if there had been other one night stands that he hadn't told her about and that had somehow escaped Angel's attention. 

"Buffy, I'm not going to be with anyone else while I'm seeing you," Spike said. "Now that we've got this thing going I won't disrespect you like that."

It was enough for now. At least he'd made some sort of declaration to give her a security base. It made things a little easier to know she was at least the center of his attention. It gave her more of a fighting chance to win his heart for good. Buffy nodded and looked down at the glass of wine that Spike had put on the counter.

"Is that for me?"

"Yeah," Spike answered. His relief was evident that she wasn't bringing up the whole Harmony issue.

Buffy picked up the glass and took a sip of the chilled Chablis. "Thank you. If you don't mind I think I'm going to take a quick bath."

"No problem," Spike said, leading them back into the main room. He sat on the bed and was removing his boots while she grabbed pajamas. 

Buffy kept her promise as she hurried through her bath. Underneath of her pajamas she put on the yellow panties that Spike had requested. She rolled her eyes at the silliness of their obsession. Maybe it was because it was the closest he felt he could get to what they covered. Her pajamas were soft pink cotton this time with a camisole top. After combing out her hair she returned to the bedroom. 

The lights were off with a couple of candles placed around the room. But she barely noticed them transfixed on the figure on the bed. Spike had removed his shirt and was lying against the pillows watching television in only jeans. Their eyes met for a moment when she put her glass on the bedside table. She turned to retrieve his present from the dresser.

"Get the other one too," Spike said.

With their presents in hand, Buffy sat on the bed with her legs crossed in front of her. Spike took his with a smile but a nod of his head indicated he wanted her to open hers first. She peeled back the paper to reveal the small box beneath. Inside was a silver locket with a braided chain. Her breath caught when she saw his name engraved across the front.

"Thought when we got pictures you might want to put mine in there."

"I do," Buffy whispered, leaning over to give him a quick kiss. She handed him the locket so he could put it on her. "Thank you. Now, open yours."

Spike looked a little uncomfortable as he sat up to open his present. It was obvious that he hadn't expected a present in return. He ripped the wrapping off to reveal the digital camera that she'd gotten him.

"Now we can take all the pictures we want," Buffy giggled. "Willow said we could use her computer to print them. So, they can be anything we want."

"You mean like take nudie pics?" Spike said, sarcastically. "Are you trying to see how far you can push me until I break? All this starting and stopping is driving me crazy, Buffy. Now you want me to take pictures of you naked." He dropped the camera on the bed. "I can't do it not without something giving." He stood and headed for the patio again. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that it would piss you off."

"Not pissed off, baby, just frustrated," Spike said, stopping to look back at her. "I don't want to hurt you but I don't know how much more I can take."

He turned to head out onto the balcony again. Something broke in Buffy and she didn't want to wait anymore either. Spike was trying to do the right thing but why should they wait? They weren't going to be in love, they weren't going to be married and she made a decision. Buffy pulled her pajama top off and threw it at him. It landed on his shoulder and leaning back on her elbows she waited for him to turn around.

_to__ be continued…_


	15. Intimacy

**Chapter 15 – Intimacy**

In disbelief Spike stared at the garment that he held. The reality seeped into his conscious a second later when the heat of her body clinging to the pink top warmed his hand. In a dream-like state he brought it to his face to inhale the sweet scent that he'd come to associate with Buffy. Something hit him again jarring him from the fantasy he was losing himself to. He knew it was the bottoms which only brought even more erotic images to the forefront of his mind. 

A stronger man might have been able to resist but Spike had never made such a claim. He already knew he was weak and this knowledge was only reinforced as his feet turned him toward the bed. In a desperate attempt to find more than a physical connection between them Spike looked into her eyes. Even from across the room he could see the desire burning deep within those emerald eyes.  She bravely held his gaze for as long as she could but finally looked away. 

It freed him to indulge the hunger consuming the very essence of his masculinity.  For the first time in his life he felt the raw primitive urge to claim a woman. No one had ever said that she was his with such innocent sensuality. Buffy lay on the bed he'd hired for them to sleep in clad only in the jewelry he'd bought her and the panties he requested she wear. His breath caught at the exquisiteness that was before him…waiting for him and him alone. He knew she'd never offered herself to anyone else in such a manner. For that alone Spike wanted to fall to his knees and worship at her altar. 

Spike swallowed before his muddled mind began to chronicle the beauty of the woman. Legs tanned and firm lay in the murky area between virginal closure and wanton openness. Just enough of an invitation to let a man think he stood a chance but closed enough so that he knew he needed to ask before bridging their gate. He could almost imagine the dampness gathering on the tiny wisp of cotton covering the treasure he so badly wanted to claim. Her stomach was flat but yet soft enough to pillow a lover's head. He watched as it rose and fell in rhythm to her breathing that was only increasing in tempo the longer he stared. For a moment, just a second really, his eyes closed before he moved upwards. Breasts tinged with dusky pink nipples were even more perfect than the hundred fantasies he'd indulged in over the last couple of months. His tongue darted between his lips as if he could taste them from where he was. 

"Are you going to stand there all night or are you going to join me?" 

Her voice was low with unbridled need startling him from his reverie. His eyes clashed with hers again and he felt himself nod. It took longer for his feet to get the message to move toward her. The earth was tilting further on its axis with each step he took. Something tickled at the back of his mind but he impatiently pushed it aside. There was nothing else that could be as important as what was happening between them at this moment. 

His knee came down on the bed between her ankles and his hands on either side of her thighs. He stared into her face waiting to see doubt or confusion but if she was feeling either it wasn't visible to him. Her leg curled allowing her toes to run along his leg from knee to thigh then sliding along his hips as he moved further up the bed. The leg hooked around his back as he lowered himself onto her body. 

He wondered who the virgin was as their bodies rested against the other. He couldn't remember anything about what to do or how to move as he felt her tremble beneath him. It was like finding himself in another reality as he surrendered to the feelings coursing through him. Was it love or merely lust? He needed time to figure it out.  He pushed back her hair, tucking it behind her ear, before caressing her cheek with his thumb.

_Go slow, mate, go slow_, he told himself as his body remembered what it was supposed to do. It demanded to be sated but it was head and his heart that took control of the situation. Buffy may appear to be casually offering her body but he knew it meant much more to her than what she was showing. He looked into her eyes, seeing the love there mingled with the passion, and it made him realize what was going on. 

"Buffy, I need to ask," Spike whispered. "Do you want to make love or is this because you're afraid I'll leave if you don't." 

Her hands trailed along his sides, crossing to the center of his back before she squeezed him tight in a hug. 

"No one has ever made me feel this way," Buffy said, each word punctuated with a small kiss to his shoulder or neck. "And you're the only one that I've ever wanted to show me what all this could be. Yes, I want to make love with you."

"Is that what it is? Love?"

"Don't, Spike, please. Don't ask questions you don't want the answers for," Buffy pleaded. Her eyes filled with tears. He captured one that was sliding along her cheek with his tongue. "I don't know yet if I love you but this has nothing to do with it."

"It has everything to do with it," Spike answered. "Why are you so willing to risk being hurt when you know I can't return your feelings?"

Buffy cupped his face making him look at her. "Why are you so sure that I'm going to be hurt because you _won't_ love me?" She kissed him softly. "I've been waiting for your good-bye since the first time you said hello."

Her emphasize on 'won't' didn't go unnoticed. Her words struck him down inside his core and he knew he couldn't do this. He'd been right that first night. She deserved someone who could give her a forever love, a home and babies; someone to give her normal. Her life should be more than waiting for a sailor to come home every four to six weeks. More than living alone, coping alone, sleeping alone while he ran away from what he couldn't face; the love in her eyes. 

Spike wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in the crook of her neck, while he flipped them. His mind hurried through ways to let her down. Ways to get her to walk away from him. Somewhere in all the confusion he finally listened to the niggling voice and in it, he found the answer he was looking for. 

Buffy was taking advantage of the new position to explore his chest with her lips and hands. Licks, tickles and nips were being generously spread across his flesh. He almost arched off the bed when she latched onto his nipple. Her fingers were massaging his ribs while she rubbed herself against his denim covered erection. 

_Damn it, oh my holy God, I want her…_

"Stop, Luv, we have to stop," Spike muttered, hating himself with each syllable. 

"No, not this time," Buffy whispered, grinding down on him so hard he could feel his cock buried between her nether lips. She bit down on his nipple. "I'm not running away anymore and neither are you."

"We have to, Buffy, stop, jeez," Spike said, trying to fight the urge to succumb and damn the consequences. "No." He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her upwards. He couldn't break her heart…shatter her soul with what would end up being meaningless sex and the possibility of a hellish outcome. "I don't have any condoms. I left them on the ship."

"What?" Buffy squeaked. 

Spike closed his eyes unwilling to see the hurt in her eyes. He didn't want to see what his selfish need for companionship had done to this girl. He listened to her breath as she sat frozen on his stomach. He wanted to suggest other things, ways to please her, but he needed her to walk away from him. 

"Maybe we could…I'm on the pill."

"No," Spike said. "I…I…" Why was it so hard to say the words? Why was it so hard to force her to leave him? "I haven't been tested…I don't know if…there's a possibility that…."

"A possibility of what?" Buffy asked her body stiffening. "Just say it."

Opening his eyes, Spike forced himself to say the words that would send her away. "Dru and I did a lot of partying. I wasn't who I am now. We hardly ever used condoms even though I knew she was sleeping with other people at the end."

"This partying, did it involve drugs?"

"Sometimes," Spike said, trying to be honest. "I never did anything that involved needles but we hung out with people who did. Some of them I'm pretty sure Dru shagged."

He expected anger, maybe a little disbelief and a lot of righteous indignation from Buffy. Definitely there would be a scene that would end with her leaving him in a cloud of hate. He didn't expect the tears. She scrambled off of him, grabbing her discarded pajamas, and slammed the door as she ran into the bathroom.

Something wet hit his ear. It was him that had disbelief as he realized Buffy's tears were echoed in his own eyes. He sat up, wiping at the weakness with the back of his hand. Why did it always end this way? He'd wanted Buffy to hate him but he had only created more self-hatred. The sounds of her crying couldn't be drowned out by the faucet running. Each gulp she uttered tore at his soul. 

"Buffy, open up, lamb," Spike called through the door. "Talk to me."

"Isn't this what you wanted," Buffy said. "I'm hurt. Are you happy now?"

The water turned off and there was silence from the other side of the door. He waited for her to open it but she didn't. Finally he sank to the floor, leaning against the barrier between them. He ran his hand over the wood somehow knowing that she was doing the same thing. Both of them wanting to be with the other but she was for the first time seeing the reality of their relationship. She didn't know him and had built and fallen for a fantasy that didn't exist. He tried to ignore the possibility that she really did see him and could love him in spite of the truth of who he was.

He should be jubilant that she was giving up on him. Only a few more words and she'd never want to see him again. But he couldn't say them.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

His head hit the door jamb, eyes closing as he for the first time said the words that had haunted his heart for so long. He knew that she had probably figured it out a long time ago but what they both needed was for the words to be spoken out loud.

"I've only told four people in my life that I loved them," Spike started, ignoring every danger sign that flashed around his walls. "My Da, my mother, Cecily and Dru and all of them has left me."

The door cracked just a bit.

"My Da left when I was a little kid, Cecily only dated me in an attempt to make her ex jealous, Dru loved me back but I wasn't enough for her."

"They were all jerks," Buffy said. "Your father was a coward that couldn't face up to his responsibilities, Cecily was a bitch that deserves a beat down, Dru had to have been insane to give you up and Spike…" She reached through the door to touch his arm. "Your mother never would have left you if she had a choice. None of it was because of you. It was all other circumstances."

"Next you'll be telling me that I shouldn't give up, love is out there for me if I'd just give it a chance, I would never leave you, Spike, I love you." Spike stood up. "I don't want to hear it, okay, Buffy, I don't because in the end it'll be just like it was before."

~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy watched Spike walk away from her _again_. It was an endless cycle with them. They'd get close, physically or emotionally then one of them couldn't take it and would run. It was like she'd said earlier she was through with running; of hiding from life and if she was going to face it so was Spike. Sighing, she pulled the blanket from the bed and followed him out onto the patio. 

Spike was sprawled out on one of the Adirondack chairs. A cigarette dangled from his fingers while he stared blankly out to sea. Without asking she sat on his lap and pulled the blanket around them. Surprisingly, Spike wrapped an arm around her to help settle her against his chest. The cigarette was put out and she was held even closer. She kissed the side of his mouth.

"I wasn't going to say that," Buffy said. "Well, not exactly like that. Just like with the camera earlier I think your projecting your thoughts onto me." Blue eyes flickered over her face before returning to his former distant appearance. "Yeah, if you wanted to do as you put it, 'nudie pics' I would have been all for it but it wasn't just what I wanted. I thought it would be something fun for us to play with." Her fingers drifted along his jaw to gently turn him to face her. "And as for the love thing I wasn't just going to press a case for me. You've pushed everyone out of your life or maybe I should say tried to because I see the friendships that you're making with the guys. I care about you, Spike. I don't just see someone I want to have sex with or someone that I want to finagle into marrying me. I see a man who's been hurt and deserves some happiness for a change."

"And you want to be the one to give me that?" 

It was half-question and half-statement that was made with all the wariness of that kitten she'd found. There was no room for tricks or half-truths at this point. 

"Yeah, I do."

A silence hung between them for a few minutes as Spike contemplated her words. Buffy gave him the room she needed and cuddled closer to him. She tucked her head under his chin while she waited. His fingers, soft and slow, stroked her arm lulling her into a place of security. She just hoped it was a false one as she listened to his heartbeat beneath her ear.

"You do make me happy," Spike whispered. "I don't understand why you want me though. I've never been one to fit in with other people. Something always wrong with me and this…" His hand swept out to indicate the new life he found himself in. "Is like a dream that I'm going to wake from any second." He laughed. "Soon as you all figure out who and what I am and then it'll all be over with."

"You're wrong because all I see when I look at you is a good man," Buffy said. "Whatever you might have done in the past is over with. I see you who are now and I believe in him." Knowing that her next words had the capability of making him run again, she took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "You need to learn to believe in him, too." The fingers of her free hand were laid across his lips when he tried to protest. "I know you don't because if you did then you would have gotten yourself tested a long time ago." She laughed softly. "And here's a bonus for you until you learn to like yourself no one is ever going to fill that void inside you."

"How did you learn to be such a smarty-pants?" 

"I read a lot," Buffy said, smiling. 

At least he wasn't running and that was worth something. His hand tangled in her hair so that he could pull her closer to him. This kiss was more of what you would expect a first kiss to be. It was soft and tentative as if they were tasting each other for the first time. It didn't grow in passion but it held more words than anything they had said all night. 

The first rays of the sun were coming up behind them but neither was concerned that they hadn't slept all night. It was enough for them to stay and hold each other until the day would force them into other things. Buffy wasn't sure if she had reached him or not but she knew as long as he was holding her then they still had a chance.

_to be continued…_


	16. Chances

**Chapter 16 – Chances**

Buffy stared at her reflection in the window trying to convince herself that she was projecting the image she wanted. Her hands smoothed down her black skirt before straightening her pink pullover. A slight turn on her black heels to check the back and with a sigh decided it would have to do. It was ridiculous really to try to dress so that her father would see her as a mature woman. No matter what she did she would always be his little girl.

Now there wasn't anything to do except face the music. She pushed the door open and stepped into the bookstore. After a quick glance around and not seeing him she walked over to the register where Willow was bagging a customer's purchase. She waited patiently until the man left before asking her friend if her father was in the back.

"Yes, he is," Willow said, her eyes running over Buffy with a critical eye. "Your clothes won't make a difference. He's really upset. What did you do now?" 

The sound of a drawer slamming shut from the office made both girls cringe. Buffy rolled her eyes and whispered, "I'm staying with Spike in a motel."

"Oh, holy schmoley," Willow said with a grin lighting up her face.  "Well, I think it's great and I need details but not now. Go talk to him before he chases his customers and employees away."

_I'm an adult and haven't done anything wrong_, Buffy thought, nodding at Willow and heading to the back.  _I can handle this, really I can. Oh, God, he's going to yell, no it will be fine. I'll just convince him that I'm old enough to make these decisions. _

"Hi, Daddy," Buffy said, pasting a smile on her face as she stepped into the office. "How are you doing?" _Now, that was not the brightest question to ask._

Giles looked up from his paperwork, scowled and stood. "I am absolutely fine. It's not everyday that I can proudly tell everyone that my daughter is shacking up with a man she barely knows in a motel."

He moved to the file cabinet while Buffy sat in the chair in front of his desk. She watched him for a moment trying to keep her own emotions in check. This wasn't the time for her to be angry. He loved her and only wanted what was best for her. They just disagreed on what that was.

"It's not sordid," Buffy said, trying to sound calm. "He's only in town for a few days at a time and I want to be with him as much as I can."

Another drawer was slammed before Giles turned to look at her.  "It doesn't matter to you what kind of impression you're making? That…that Spike cares so little for your reputation that he takes you to a place like that. That he is basically telling everyone what an easy conquest you were."

Buffy could feel her face suffuse with color under her father's scrutiny. She knew he was waiting for a denial but was it really any of his business at this stage of her life? There wasn't any point in being indignant at his assumptions because she was willing to do exactly what he was accusing her of. 

"I apologize," Buffy said, gathering a modicum of dignity around her. "If I have done anything to embarrass or hurt you because that wasn't what I intended to do. Spike has been nothing but decent with me."

Giles glanced around as his deep sigh reverberated through the room. "I don't understand you. He has told you that he will never love you or marry you. What are you going to get out of this except a broken heart?"

Buffy shrugged. "Maybe everything, maybe nothing but I do know that in spite of what he says he keeps taking steps to be closer to me."

"Of course he does and he will continue to do so until he gets everything that he wants and tires of you. What then, Buffy? Do you really think he'll stick around after that?"

"Did you ever think that it's me using him?" Buffy asked, her eyes flashing. Her anger despite her best efforts was demanding to be heard. "I've been alone a long time and I want to be with someone."

Her father sighed as he sat behind his desk again. He studied her for a moment as she continued to stare at him. "Yes, you have been. And I blame myself for that. If I hadn't needed help with your mother things might have been different for you. You might be married and starting a family." He laughed softly. "Maybe you and Angel might even have found your way back to each other."

"That would never happen," Buffy said, vehemently denying her father's words. It was something that she wouldn't think about. It would only lead to heartache that she wouldn't allow herself to feel. "Angel is my past and Spike is my future."

"Not according to him," Giles said, leaning back in his chair. His fingers fanned a stack of paper over and over giving him an outlet to his own emotions. "You want love and promises of forever and he just wants a good time."

"You're right that there is a chance I'll get my heart broken but it has been before and I survived."

It was hard to explain to anyone the rightness that she felt when she was with Spike. Slowly the rose coloring in her glasses was fading to clear but when he held her she felt safer than she ever had. It couldn't all be a lie. She refused to believe it.

Giles reached across his desk to take her hand in his. "Why do that to yourself? Walk away now with some pleasant memories instead of a lot of hurt."

"Because I believe in him," Buffy said, squeezing her father's hand. "And I believe that he might be falling for me. At least he's not telling me all the things I want to hear just to get sex. He's always laid it on the line about not wanting a commitment and if I'm wrong then I have no one else to blame but myself."

"Is he really what you want, Buffy? Is he the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

"I think so, Daddy. I don't know yet but I'm hoping…"

"Life can't be built on hopes and wishes," Giles exclaimed. "It doesn't work that way no matter how much you want it." He grabbed some papers off his desk and returned to the file cabinet. Her father didn't really want to be cynical but after days and months of watching his wife struggle to survive he'd closed off part of his heart so that he could deal with everything. Buffy knew that her choices were taking away more of his hopes but it was her life. She couldn't live it to please him. "I know you think I'm a silly old man but I want so much for you." He turned to look back at her. "And I selfishly took away so much because we needed your help."

"No," Buffy said, rushing to hug him. "I wanted to help and I don't regret a moment of it."

"I know you don't," Giles said, holding her. "You have always been an exemplary daughter…"

Her father's words trailed off even as surely as he quit hugging her. The unspoken words hung heavy in the air between them. Reminding herself that she wasn't running anymore Buffy finished his statement for him.

"Until I met Spike?"

"Well, yes," Giles said, turning to lean on the cabinet. His glasses dangled from his fingers. "The first time we met him he seemed to be decent. He was polite to your mother and I. Since then he's got you running around at all hours of the night and staying with him in a motel."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "I run around all hours of the night anyway. Work in a bar here."

"And that is only another mistake of mine," Giles said. Sadness tinged his words as he returned his glasses to their perch on his nose. "I was so grateful for the help and let things go that I shouldn't have."

"Am I that much of a disappointment to you?"

"No, Buffy, no," Giles said. "You are never a disappointment to me. Exasperate me to death sometimes but in the end you seem to make the right decisions. If only you'd make the right one now before it's too late."

"What if your way is the wrong one for me?" Buffy asked quietly. "What about the chance that he does love me? What happens if he is the one for me and I let him go because someone else has decided that he's not worth it? In the end I'm the one that has to live with whatever happens and I'm not going to let go yet."

Conviction rang clear in her voice and she knew her father heard it because there was a defeated look on his face. She only hoped that she never had to tell him that he'd been right after all.

~~~~~~~~

Spike hated to admit it but Faith did have a beautiful body. Closing his eyes he took a sip of his beer and hoped that when he opened them again that it would be Buffy sliding through the water. No such luck. It was still Faith's bikini clad form doing laps in the pool. He shrugged. He could still fantasize it was Buffy. 

"Need another beer yet?" Angel asked from the lounger next to his. 

"Nope, not yet," Spike said, glancing over at his friend. "I'm still nursing this one."

"Damn, guess if I want one I'm going to have to get up and get it myself."

They both laughed. Neither of them moved to retrieve some more refreshment. It was just one of those lazy afternoons where they only wanted to relax. Angel had confessed that he'd taken Cordelia out the night before and only gotten a few hours sleep. But it had astonished Spike that even though he'd woken Angel that morning his new friend had been willing to get up and help him out. His fingers ran over the bandage on the crook of his arm. It was done for both of them and strangely, knowing that on his next visit he could truly lay his past to rest was an almost exhilarating feeling. 

Spike smiled and returned to watching Faith. The afternoon sun was bright as it reflected off the water and he blinked as his imagination almost fooled him into believing it was his little blonde spitfire swimming. The heat was making him lethargic and he pulled his shirt off, tossing it onto the chair next to his before picking up his beer again. One hand rubbed across his chest as he drained his drink. He laid his head back on the lounge and let a fantasy weave of him and Buffy kissing in the pool. If he hadn't been such a coward that one night then he'd have memories to recall.

_Maybe one day I will…_

The door opened from the house and the girl consuming his thoughts stepped out. Angel barely raised his head as he saw Buffy make her way across the patio. Spike could feel the silly grin spread across his face as he watched her walk toward him. His tongue darted out as her hips rocked back and forth as she moved closer. She stopped next to his prone body and crossed her arms forcing him to look at the swell of her breasts yearning to tumble from her top.

"Enjoying yourself?" Buffy asked, her head jerking toward the pool. 

"Actually yeah," Spike teased. 

Buffy plopped onto his lap without warning or restraint making him grunt from the force. She wiggled her bottom over his groin. His hand cupped her rear to try and still her movements but she had already stopped.

"Just checking your level of fun," Buffy said. She kissed his chin. "You passed."

"Cheeky chit, aren't you?" Spike said, tickling her sides and sending her into a fit of giggles. "Should I do a panties check when you get home from work to see if any other sailors are giving you happies when I'm not around?"

"I'll stop wearing them," Buffy crowed, struggling to escape his fingers. She bit his shoulder but it didn't help as the tickling moved along her ribs. "Stop it…anything you want but quit."

He stopped. "Anything?"

"Oh, good Lord," Faith said, climbing from the pool. "You two are just so cute together."

Ignoring the obvious sarcasm, Spike smiled up at the girl. "Thank you. We are, aren't we?"

Buffy giggled again and he pulled her closer to him. 

"Are you going to tell her now?" Faith asked. Her eyes went from Spike to the curious filled face of Buffy. "He's refused to take the thing off and has been wearing it like some kind of badge of honor." She pointed to his bandage.

Buffy inspected it. "What's this?"

"I went and got it done," Spike said unable to keep the pride from his voice. "I had a complete physical and had all the tests run. The next time I'm in town I'll get all the results."

"You're my good boy," Buffy whispered, pulling him closer. "You so deserve a reward."

"Oh yeah," Spike managed to say before her lips closed on his. He surrendered without hesitation to the pull between them. Her kisses were heated, filled with all the promise of what they could have one day. His hand cradled the back of her head to keep her close as he sucked on her tongue. She was so sweet. He'd been right that day when he'd decided she was a like a sugar high because he was flying now.

"God, do you two have to be so noisy?" Angel said. "I have never heard two people make so much noise when they kiss. It's like two pigs eating their slop, smack, slurp, it's totally gross to listen to."

Faith laughed as they broke apart reluctantly and turned toward brother and sister. Spike had to remind himself where they were because he'd been so lost in Buffy. And he sincerely hoped that she didn't decide now was the time for her to get off his lap.

"Pulease, Angel," Faith said, now wrapped in a towel as she sat on the edge of the pool. "It has to be Buffy because I'd be in my room and I could hear the two of you making out in the family room. Between the slurping and the grunting and groaning it was enough to turn someone off of sex for good."

Spike tensed wondering if Buffy was going to take the easy bait but she laughed instead. 

"Hey, I can't help it." Buffy said defending herself. "When you've got such gorgeous men in your arms you can't help but get into it."

"Wait a minute," Spike protested. "Don't be talking about other men like that in front of me even if it is Angel."

Her fingernail flicked his nipple. "No need for jealousy."

Spike grabbed her hand before she could inflict anymore injury to his flesh. "Are you going to just let that go, mate? She's comparing us."

Angel looked at them. "I'm staying out of it because we know who'd be the obvious winner. I'm tall, dark and handsome. Higher rank and I know all her secrets."

"Like what?" Spike wanted to know what Angel knew about her that he didn't. He wasn't worried about Buffy wanting to go back to her ex but he was jealous of how well they knew each other.

"She has a hairy ass," Angel said, smiling as he turned away again. 

They all laughed at his joke. It seemed that Spike was always going to be out of the loop on some things when it came to the girl in his arms. He had time though to find out and it would have to do.

"I'm going to go and get changed," Faith said, standing and wrapping her towel tighter around her body. "Then I'm heading out."

"Faith, wait a minute," Buffy called. She waited until the brunette looked back before continuing. "I was talking to Willow earlier and we were thinking of getting everybody together to go to the Bronze tonight. Would you be interested?"

"What's the Bronze, Luv?" Spike asked trying to fill the void until a surprised Faith found her voice again.

"It's about the only real club in town," Buffy said. "It usually has a local band playing. There's dancing, pool tables and food."

"Do they have those onion things?" Spike asked.

"Yep, you interested?" Buffy asked. She reached a toe out to nudge Angel. "What about you?"

The two men muttered their consent and all three turned to look at Faith. 

"Sure, why not?" Faith answered. "Sounds like a barrel of fun."

A satisfied Buffy relaxed in his arms. He was proud of his girl for making an effort to mend old differences. He closed his eyes, no longer needing the fantasy, because he had the reality in his arms.

_to__ be continued…._

  
  



	17. Friends and Lovers

** Chapter 17 – Friends and Lovers **

It didn't matter that they were the only couple on the dance floor that was slow dancing. Nothing mattered but Spike's arms around her. Buffy was lost in the sensuality of their movements. Hips swaying in time to the beat gave them an excuse to press against one another. His breath was warm as it floated along her neck but the heat turned to chills that skittered along her spine. Buffy knew if she tilted her head just a fraction their lips would meet. Anticipation prevented them from consummating the kiss but instead kept them dangling on the edge of their desire.

His hands were making her face flush with passion.

They ran, oh so leisurely, up her hips, splaying across her lower back and sending her feminine senses reeling as they promised future domination over her body. Then they would drift down to her bottom, hands spreading over the curve to pull their bodies so close she couldn't help but feel every inch of him imprinted on her belly before they would start their journey again.

But his whispered words were making her throb in need.

"Do you know what you do to me, Pet? No one else has ever made me want them so much." Spike kissed the pulse point on her throat. "You're so beautiful. I keep picturing you last night with only panties on. Do you know I'm jealous of them?" His tongue darted out to lick the spot just below her ear. "They're wrapped around what I want to make love to so bad. Do you want me, Buffy?"

"Uh huh," Buffy whispered, letting her fingers caress the nape of his neck.

"Tell me," Spike urged, the back of his fingers drifted upward along the trail of her zipper. One finger plunged into the front of her pants, stroking the soft flesh of her stomach.  "What would you do if I slipped my hand in to touch you?" His breath teased as he whispered into her ear. The button was slipped from its holding by his hands. She wanted those very hands to show her everything he claimed he could do to her.  "Would you let me satisfy you here in front of all these people?"

Buffy swallowed and rose up on her tiptoes to nip at his earlobe. "If you keep talking like that you won't even have to touch me," she paused for a second, "to satisfy me." She leaned her head back to look up into his astonished eyes. It was thrilling to watch his expressions as they changed with their escalating awareness of the other. She slipped her leg to the outside of his, allowing her to press herself close against his thigh. 

"Oh God, Luv," Spike groaned. "You are going to get us both into trouble." His words might have been saying they needed to stop but his body told another story as his leg rubbed at the juncture of her thighs. 

It was so near. Buffy tucked her face against his chest as her body started to tremble. His hands pulled her into a protective embrace as she started to ride his leg. Another moment more, her hands, in desperation for an anchor, clutched at his shirt…

"Hey guys," Xander said, stopping to dance next to them. "What's with the unsociable 'tude?"

_I'm going to kill him. Damn it_, Buffy thought as she sagged against Spike who didn't miss a beat. She found herself being turned around with his arms wrapped around her. If she was this frustrated over something she'd never had then she knew it had to be killing him. She swore that somehow that night they'd find a way to relieve a little of their tension. 

"Sorry, you two," Anya gaily said. "He's dumber than a box of rocks about other people. That's why I find it amazing that he's such an animal in his own sex life."

"What did I do?" Xander asked, flailing about in his unique style.

"They were trying to give Buffy an orgasm and you interrupted," Anya said.

Spike was apparently mortified as he stiffened behind her. Buffy only laughed at her friends. It was the only way to be around Xander's girlfriend who was never embarrassed to speak her mind about sex. They'd all been on the receiving end of it at one time or another. From what she'd heard about the couple's sex life there wasn't too many places that they hadn't given each other happies. The rule was, if they were around, don't open closed doors without knocking and don't go into dark places. Otherwise you might find them in the throes of their lust for each other. 

"Oh God, I'm sorry," Xander said. But his grin said otherwise as he looked them over. "No, really I am. Buffy needs to get a little looser about these things. I mean the highlight of your orgasm days had to be in old man Snyder's garden."

"Who's having orgasms?" Willow asked as she joined them with Tara behind her. "What did I miss?"

"I'm going to go and get a beer," Spike whispered. "I'll catch up with you in a minute."

Buffy looked up at him and could almost see the walls being formed again. She had two things to kill Xander for now. "Spike, are you okay?" Her hand wrapped around his to keep him from leaving without responding to her. 

"I'm fine," Spike said. He sighed. "Was it someone I don't know about?"

"It was Angel," Buffy said. "And it was a joke because nothing happened, well, kind of started to but Snyder caught us and turned the hose on us."

"He what?" 

Spike's lips twitched as he waited for the rest of the story.

"Angel and I were trying to be alone. There was a barbecue at his house and we slipped into the bushes to make out and Snyder heard noisy us. The next thing we knew we were drenched, being cussed at and then he had to go and yell about it to our parents." Buffy said, giggling at the memory. "We both got grounded. Not that it ever stopped us but…"

"You really are a bad girl, aren't you?" Spike asked, laughing.

Buffy put on her most innocent expression and batted her eyes. "Who me? Be bad? I would certainly think not, kind sir. I am the epitome of southern innocence; southern California that is."

 "And that leaves a huge margin for what you consider innocent," Tara said, leaning over Buffy's shoulder. "In this land where everything is fake."

They all laughed. Spike wrapped his arm around her shoulders and Buffy knew he was all right again. She wished he would just relax about her past. He _knew she was a virgin. What did he expect for her to have been created out of nothing just for him, with no past at all? To her that would be completely boring but then again for Spike to never have met Cecily or Drusilla would make her own life and future a whole lot easier. _

"I'm still going to go and get a beer," Spike said. "Do you want anything?"

"No, I'm going to go to the little girl's room," Buffy said, kissing his cheek. "Catch up with you in a minute."

It took her longer than she expected because it seemed every girl in the Bronze decided to head to the bathroom at the same time. By the time she'd fluffed her hair, Buffy was feeling annoyed by the crowd. She stepped out of the bathroom and hesitated as she looked around to find him. Xander, Willow and their girlfriends were still on the dance floor but no Spike. She walked around the edge of the pulsating crowd, heading toward the back area, but when she came around the corner she saw a flash of platinum hair. 

Spike and Angel were sitting on one of the couches against the wall. Relieved at finding him she hurried over to join them. Spike opened his arm for her as she sat between them. A drink was pressed into her hand and she sniffed at it cautiously.

"Do you think we're going to drug you or something?" Angel asked, yanking on a lock of her hair. 

Buffy shrugged and took a sip. It wasn't bad she decided as the sweet, fruity concoction slid down her throat. The two men returned to their conversation but she tuned them out when she realized they were talking about the _Darla and their jobs. It wasn't that she wasn't interested but she figured they didn't want to take the time to explain every comment to her so she let her attention wander. Her eyes slid around the packed club, watching people, looking for people she knew. On the second sweep across the bar she spotted trouble. It would be a definite crimp in her plans._

"Spike," Buffy said, looking up at him. 

"What's up, Pet?" 

"Go ask Faith to dance."

"Excuse me?" Spike asked. His left eyebrow rose in surprise.

"Look," Buffy said, pointing toward the bar area where Faith was apparently holding court. Two men were on either side of her vying for her attention. "Wesley is going to be here soon and if she's flirting with someone else it's going to ruin everything. Go and ask her to dance." Spike still hesitated and Buffy pushed at his shoulder. "Go, pleeease, for me. I can't ask Angel to do it. He's her brother and that would be just eew."

"You're not going to go all jealous on me later?" Spike asked, scooting to the edge of the couch.

Buffy cupped his face. "Go where the other guys are and _no slow dancing."_

"Knew there had to be stipulations to this," Spike responded with a smile. He gave her a quick kiss and headed off. 

Satisfied that her matchmaking plans for later were now saved, Buffy sat back with a grin. 

"You trust him?" Angel asked, assuming Spike's earlier position by turning toward her and putting his arm across the back of the couch.

"I'll kill him if he does anything," Buffy replied, watching as Faith accepted Spike's invitation. "And yeah I do." She sighed. "Besides I'm right here watching." Tearing her eyes away from the couples on the floor, she glanced up at Angel. "Where's Cordelia?"

"She had to close the shop tonight. She'll be here after she's done." Angel said, turning to watch the others on the floor. "How did your talk go with your father this afternoon?"

"It was okay. He's still not happy that I'm with Spike," Buffy said, slipping closer to her friend. She laughed softly. "For some reason he's like mom and thinks that you and I should have stuck it out. That we could have made it work."

"Maybe we could have," Angel said, surprising her with his melancholy tone. "If I hadn't run off to sea so quickly."

"For one thing, you didn't run off to sea," Buffy said, shifting so her legs that were tucked under her were now resting on his. "You've wanted to be on a ship as far back as I can remember. You left to pursue your dream. Maybe it was sooner than you had planned but what were you supposed to do? Stay here and make sure we were all grown up before you left? I'm happy that you have what you want."  
  


"Are you Buffy? Are you happy?"

His thumb brushed against the palm of her hand. It was safe here with him, Buffy reminded herself. It always had been. If she needed reassurance or protection it could be found when Angel was holding her. And for awhile she'd even found affection and something close to love but those feelings were small when compared to what she felt in Spike's embrace.

"I'm getting there, Angel." Buffy smiled up at him. "I feel like things are falling into place. He makes me feel like I can be more than I ever thought I could. He has a strength that he doesn't even know he has and he gives it to me."

"Is he the only thing making you happy?"

Buffy shook her head. "No, I'm finally excited about going back to school. I hid for so long behind everything and now I'm living again. It feels good."

"And us?"

His words were so quiet that Buffy almost missed it. She contemplated his words knowing what he meant. Because like everyone else, even they had always thought there was a chance for them somewhere in the future. A back up in case their lives didn't go right. They would be there to catch the other one. The love between them was as deep as two friends could be and they would be good to one another.

"I'm always going to love you," Buffy said. "You're my best friend, but what we once had is over. You were my hero. Always there to help chase my monsters away, but we grew up." Her hand covered his and they entwined like they always did. "Maybe you're right. If you hadn't left after graduation we might be married. Maybe even have a baby, but you didn't stay. You left for your own future and it's taken me awhile to find the right road to follow, but I think I'm on my way." Tears filled her eyes as she swallowed away the last regrets she had over the man holding her. "I think it's for the best this way. Don't you?"

"Yeah," Angel said, cupping her face. "I'm glad that you're finding everything you want. Just don't forget me, okay?"

"Hell no," Buffy laughed. "You're going to be my maid of honor when I do get married."

"I don't think so," Angel said, laughing with her. "Already told you that I'm not wearing a dress for you."

Their eyes met as their old feelings washed over them in a tidal wave of nostalgia before Angel kissed her. Buffy knew it was meant to be; a moment in their laughter to cherish what they once had. For awhile in their lives there had been more than friendship between them and briefly they felt it again. It took them back to old times spent in that very club when they thought maybe in spite of everything they'd be together forever. Their lips remembered the way and Buffy let herself lean closer against the body that was as familiar as her own. The kiss was warm and gentle bringing thoughts of hot chocolate on a cold winter night but it did nothing to stoke any ardor in her. She knew he felt it too. Neither opened their mouths, there was no need because whatever used to be was gone. This was their goodbye to an old dream that had no place in their future.

They broke apart and Buffy searched to find the words to express her sadness. She felt Angel stiffen and looked up to find Spike staring at her with cold fury burning in his eyes. 

_to be continued…_


	18. The Truthful Heart

**Chapter 18 - The Truthful Heart**

Every bit of hurt and anger Spike had ever swallowed flooded his system. He could have sworn that if he unclenched his fists, his fury would shoot out in blinding flashes from his fingertips. Spike had begun to believe he'd found a place to belong. In this group of myriad personalities he'd felt he could finally be himself. He'd thought that Angel would be his friend. And if the pain that was centered in his chest was to be believed then somehow he'd started to let Buffy creep into his heart.

Only it had all been a lie. 

Buffy's hands clutched at his sides. Her face was a mask of fear as she looked up at him, but all he saw was Drusilla telling him that she needed to find her pleasures. Never mind that they were at a party surrounded by their friends and he had been sitting on the other side of the wall from her activities. Women were treacherous liars who were only out to drain a man dry of his emotions before moving on. 

"Spike, it wasn't what you're thinking," Buffy declared. "We were just talking about…"

"I don't want to hear your excuses," Spike said. His eyes flickered to Angel. "It was obvious what you were doing."

"Do you care?" Angel asked. "You're the one that said no commitments and that you'd never love her. At least I'm man enough to admit…"

The table holding their drinks crashed to the floor as Spike launched himself at Angel. His words had broken the damn holding back Spike's rage. A part of him had been hoping that there was an explanation that would make everything go back to the way it was, but Angel's words had issued a challenge Spike was more than willing to accept. 

There was the satisfying sound of fist upon flesh as his emotions rained down on the man beneath him.   He could hear Buffy's tearful screams for him to stop. It only made him angrier because they fell from the lips that had been so willingly pressed to Angel's. The two men rolled as Angel gained the upper hand but Spike kicked out forcing Angel back. Hands clutched at him, dragging him up then holding him in place as he snarled his frustration. 

Buffy ran to Angel's side, helping him to stand and checking to see how much damage Spike had inflicted. The concern radiating on her face caused Spike's stomach to churn. With dismay he realized that he was jealous of the attention she was giving to Angel. It only magnified his own feelings of unworthiness within his own heart.

Spike shook off Xander and Wesley who were still holding him. He didn't need to be here. Hell, he wasn't even wanted here. He turned on his heel to leave when a small hand curved around his arm.

"What were you thinking?" Buffy asked, tears streamed down her face. "It was nothing. A good-bye kiss between two old friends and you…you had no right to jump Angel over it."

"I had no right?" Spike scoffed, trying not to care. "Did you have to go to him to finish what I started?" 

Buffy slapped him. "How dare you? I'm sick of this. I'm tired of always worrying about how you feel and how to make you happy."

"Then don't," Spike said. "You don't ever have to think about me again if you don't want to."

He tried to leave but she was still holding his arm. Her tears had turned to sobbing that shook him to his core. All he did was hurt her. She was right. And once again he was wrong. He turned back to her, sighing, as he stared at her bent head. 

"Buffy, let me go. It's for the best. You know it and I know it."

Her hand dropped from his arm and he took a look around at the faces of the people he'd hoped would be his friends. They all looked uncomfortable as they either returned his glare or glanced around him. It was obvious that they all felt the same as Buffy. His gaze returned to the girl that was causing him so much uncertainty. Her arms had crossed while her head was still bowed. They were quieter now but the sounds of her crying were still audible. He wanted to pull her close and tell her that everything would be okay. He wanted to tell her that he would stay with her forever but he couldn't. Even he could hear the doors being slammed in his heart at the mere temptation of making her dreams come true. 

He stepped closer but Angel blocked him. "Let's go talk, Spike."

His anger was fading into confusion. He nodded his head and waited as Angel whispered something to Buffy. She looked up at Spike pinning him with guilt for not being able to give her what she needed. His eyes closed as he looked away. Thankfully, Angel walked by him and without saying a word to Buffy, Spike followed him. 

~~~~~~~~~

It had started out to be such a good time but it had disintegrated into emotional turmoil.  Buffy watched Spike walk away from her. She realized that kissing Angel at this point was probably wrong but it had been a natural development in their conversation.  It had clearly shown her which man held her heart. She sighed as she tried to reconcile to the fact that it wasn't getting any easier between Spike and her. He kept telling her that he wasn't the right one for her. For the first time doubts began to creep in that maybe they could never make it work between them.

"Are you all right?" Willow asked, slipping an arm around her shoulder.

"Not really," Buffy said, wiping tears from her face. "I just wish that I could make him understand."

"Understand what?" Faith asked, crossing her arms and glaring at Buffy. "Understand that he will always have to share you with Angel?"

"I don't think recriminations are going to help at this point," Wesley said. "It's just that Buffy and Angel have such a deep relationship that the lines are going to blur every once in awhile. It doesn't affect the outcome of the day but to those outside of our circle it's not going to be understood."

"Right," Anya agreed. "What the educated man said."

"It still doesn't help Spike become closer to Buffy," Tara said, stepping closer to Willow for reassurance. "Trust is very delicate."

"And I blew it big time," Buffy said. "He's never going to let this go."

"You don't know that," Willow said, hugging her closer. "Give him a chance."

Buffy looked in the direction that two of the most important men of her life had gone. She had no idea what Angel was going to say to Spike but she hoped it wouldn't tear them further apart. All she wanted was to be lying in Spike's arms back in their motel room. It was so much easier when they were alone and didn't have to deal with other people and circumstances. She understood though, that they had to be able to make it in all situations not just the best of them. 

"I'm going to go back to the motel," Buffy said. "I just want to be alone for awhile."

 "Yeah, I think the party is pretty much over," Xander said. 

"Would you like a ride?" Wesley asked. "It's on the way back to my place."

"That'll be great," Buffy said, accepting his offer. She turned to Faith glad for the opportunity to save maybe part of the night. "Since Spike is all jealousy why don't you ride along so Wes and I aren't alone?"

Buffy enjoyed the stunned look on Faith's face as she glanced between her and Wesley. She gave the other girl her most innocent smile knowing that Faith really couldn't refuse the offer. Faith was the first to criticize Buffy for inappropriate behavior so unless she was ready to retract her earlier accusations she had to accompany the two.

"Let's go," Faith said, plastering on a smile that was obviously fake. "Let's get little Buffy home before she hurts herself anymore."

Buffy decided to ignore the insult and instead turned to say good night to her friends. She accepted their hugs and their encouragement with a reluctance to hope too much. Whatever the outcome of the night she knew that things had changed permanently between her and Spike if for no other reason then the reservations that her own heart was forming. She followed Wesley and Faith from the Bronze with her fingers sliding along the smooth surface of the locket Spike had given her. If only he could see how good their love could be if given the chance. She made a silent wish as she slid into the back of Wesley's car that someone would nudge Spike's heart in her direction.

~~~~~~~~

Spike stared at the shot glass filled with whiskey in front of him. He chuckled as he thought of the contradiction between him and Buffy. He was rough like the liquor in front of him while she was more of a sweet blush wine. To him it was just another sign that they would never work. He looked at Angel from under his lids unwilling to be the one to start the conversation. Angel had taken him here to this dive of a bar because he'd wanted to talk so let him start it. He slammed the whiskey enjoying the burn as it made its way into his stomach. 

"You need to make a decision," Angel said, refilling Spike's glass from the bottle sitting between them. "She's going to end up hurt if you really can't love her."

"Seems like she was doing just fine without me," Spike said. His finger traced the rim of his glass, as he tried to revive the dying anger at seeing Buffy kiss the man across from him. Once his tattered emotions had separated them from Drusilla and her string of boy toys his outrage had faded. The circumstances were different. He knew that. He also knew Buffy enough to know that she wasn't that deceitful. Her emotions were always easily there for everyone to see whether she was happy, sad or in love. 

"Oh, come on, Spike," Angel said. "We both know that it's you she's crazy about."

"She's your girl, remember?" Spike said. Things were too mixed up in his head and heart for him to just let it go. His companion's words from earlier about him being the better man were ringing in his head. He might know where Buffy's feelings lay but he wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything lingering on Angel's part.

"Yeah, she was," Angel said, taking his shot. His face grew contemplative as he filled their glasses again. "I guess in some ways the girl will always be mine but Buffy isn't that girl anymore. She's a woman now and she wants you not me. It's up to you if you're going to be the man to stand beside her or if you're going to run from her."

Spike picked up his glass and lifted it toward Angel in a salute before swallowing the liquid down. He smiled as the afternoon memories washed over him. Buffy in his arms as they hung out by the pool and the kisses they'd shared. 

"This afternoon I kept thinking of her as mine," Spike said. "She's the first thing I think about in the morning and when I go to bed at night I want her there with me. To be holding her in my arms, you know?"

"Sounds like you're falling in love," Angel said. "Is it really so hard to admit to?"

It was though. Terror filled his heart at the thought of telling her of his deepening feelings. What if he told her and she disappeared just like everyone else had? It was too much of a risk to take. It was better to keep things the way they were and hope for the best.

~~~~~~~~~

The room was dark when Spike opened the door. He quickly looked around, relieved when he saw Buffy's things still lying about. There was a sound from the patio indicating where she was and he went to join her. A chilly wind was blowing in from the ocean, making him wish he'd left his jacket on. Buffy didn't acknowledge his presence. Her only movement was to wrap the blanket tighter around her while her gaze remained fixated on the sea.  He sat in the chair next to her, noticing the bottle of wine and the half filled glass next to it. 

"Ready to give up on me yet?" Spike asked. He lit a cigarette, taking a deep drag as he settled back in the chair. 

"No, Spike," Buffy said. "It's never going to be that simple. The heart doesn't come with an off and on switch. It would make life easier if it did." She reached for her glass, draining it before replacing it on the table. Finally she shifted in her seat to look at him. "Maybe I've just come to realize that no matter how hard I try or no matter what I do..." She laughed for a moment. Her hand reached out to him and he placed his in hers. "Or no matter how much I love you nothing is going to make this relationship work until you want it too."

"I know, pet," Spike said, sighing. "I just need a little more time. I know I don't deserve it but…"

"Maybe we both need a little more time," Buffy said, squeezing his hand before releasing it. "I'm sorry about kissing Angel but it was something that I needed to do before I could move on."

Spike didn't answer her. He wasn't sure what to say to her. How could he explain everything he was feeling if he didn't understand himself just yet? Or admit to something that would surely send her away from him. Silence hung between them as he smoked his cigarette and she returned to watching the waves crashing on the shore. He took the last drag, put the butt out and stood. 

"Coming to bed, Luv?" Spike asked, holding his hand out to her. She hesitated, but he only waited patiently for her to make a choice. They both needed some sleep and he wanted to hold her. It was the only place that he felt peaceful anymore. Hope burgeoned in his heart again when she reached for his hand and followed him into the room. 

_to be continued…_


	19. If Only

**Chapter 19 – If Only**

Spike turned in his sleep and reached for Buffy. 

He couldn't feel her next to him. His hand patted her side of the bed and when he didn't find her, his eyes opened to search the room. Sunlight splayed across the floor letting him know he'd slept longer than he'd planned. It was comfortable where he was though and if he could find Buffy he'd just encourage her to sleep a little longer with him. She wasn't anywhere in his visual range on the side of the room he was facing and reluctantly he turned onto his back to check the other side. Still no Buffy. He awakened even further as worry crept into his heart. Had she left him? His eyes scanned the room again, no Buffy, but her clothes and make up were still scattered about on dresser and counter tops. It would seem she hadn't deserted him. 

There wasn't any sound except for his own breathing and the rustling of the bedclothes when he turned. So, she wasn't tucked away in any of the corners of the kitchen or bathroom he couldn't see. He sat up and twisted to look out the window behind the bed to see if she was on the patio or beach when he saw it.

A note.

A small piece of folded motel stationary placed on her pillow. It was so innocent looking but held the possibilities of such heartbreak. Had she decided to sneak away when he was asleep but would return later to collect her things? Had she written that she'd changed her mind and couldn't handle being with him anymore? Was it a put up or get out ultimatum that said she'd return for an answer later? 

His fingers caressed the paper as his mind played out every scenario that would tear him apart as he'd been torn so many times before. 

_Open the damn thing, you stupid wanker, she probably just… _

The door to the hotel room opened and Buffy stepped in, all smiles behind a huge pair of pink sunglasses. Relief flooded through him at seeing her. 

"Oh, good, you got my note," Buffy said, putting a laptop case down by the door. She bounded over to the bed. "I didn't want you to worry about me." Packages were put on the bed beside him then she plopped down, crossing her legs as she faced him. "I decided to go out and get a few things."

It was then that Spike realized something was wrong. The silly glasses were still perched on her nose while the smile continued to stretch across her face. It was out of place after the events of the night before. Buffy wasn't a shallow woman who could easily dismiss what had happened at the Bronze. He'd assumed they'd spend the morning talking through things but she was acting like nothing had happened.

Spike plucked the glasses from her face and sighed. All the hurt and confusion were still clearly visible in the depths of her eyes. She looked away as her smile faded. He knew all it would take would be three words to make her world right but he couldn't say them. The responsibility of her happiness was a burden that he didn't want. It was selfish, but he couldn't make himself happy so how could he make her happy? His hand cupped her face, his thumb brushing across her cheek.

"I'm glad that you came back," Spike said. "I missed you in my arms when I woke up. So, where did you go?"

"I went to get Willow's laptop so we could take pictures," Buffy said, smiling again but this time it was tentative. It was as if she was waiting for something or someone to hurt her again. "And I went to get this stuff." 

She dumped one of the packages out on the bed in front of her. Plastic buckets and shovels tumbled out in a splash of bright colors across the dark green of the bedspread. Spike poked at them then looked up at her. 

"What are these for?"

"You said you'd never built sandcastles before and I thought we could hang out on the beach this morning," Buffy said, her fingers twisting together. "Just you and me if that's okay?"

The hope that was etched across her lovely features made him ache with regret. For the first time he really wanted to give her everything. The risks to his heart were being diminished by the desire to make this woman smile all the time. Each frown Buffy wore and each tear she cried was an insult to the way things should be. Spike hated the past that had made her so easily wounded, so afraid but determined to keep trying in spite of the odds stacked against her. If he could only hold her with a clear conscience and fight the demons for her but he couldn't. It would only lead to disaster for them both if he tried. The one thing he knew he could give her was one day. That day. A day that he could devote to making her feel special and fill it with as much laughter as he could.

"Hmm, let me think for a minute," Spike said, leaning back against the pillows. "You in a bikini on the beach…yeah, I think I could handle that."

"Pig," Buffy said, grinning. She reached for another package and handed it to him. "Got these for you to wear. Those shorts of yours would corrupt every child down there."

Spike opened the bag and pulled out the brightest pair of swim trunks he'd ever seen. They were neon green and orange. His brow rose as he contemplated them. "You want me to wear these? I'll blind everyone."

"Good they don't need to be looking at my…you anyway," Buffy said. "Reserved for me when you're in Sunnydale."

"Reserved for you no matter where I am," Spike said, sitting up and holding his arms out to her. "You're the only one I want looking at my gorgeous bod anyway."

"Ego much?"

Buffy willingly came into his arms, wrapping him in a tight hug, as he pulled them back onto the bed. His arm swept the buckets out of the way to give her room to lie next to him. He knew that she had almost slipped and called him hers. They had done it yesterday without a second thought but last night had changed things. It was back to questioning every word they said. He kissed the tip of her nose.

"You're the one who keeps saying how handsome and cute I am," Spike said. "Can't help it if you speak the truth."

"Mmm, can I retract all former statements?"

"No, you can't. The jury already decided."

His heart soared when she giggled. The tension was leaving her body as she relaxed against him. His hand stroked her back in slow leisurely strokes. It felt good to hold her without feeling the need to lose themselves in passion. His eyes closed as sleepiness tried to claim him again but she tickled his side.

"Come on," Buffy whispered. "There's less than twenty-four hours before you leave and I want to go play."

Spike sighed as if she was asking him to move a mountain but then he smiled. "Oh yeah, you in a bikini, guess that's worth getting up for." He leaned forward to kiss her but she drew back. "What's wrong?"

Buffy's hand waved in front of her face. "Sorry, Spike, but you have stinky morning breath."

"I do not," Spike said, pretending outrage. "That's just an excuse to get me out of bed."

"Go," Buffy said, pushing on him. "Go brush your teeth and get changed. I'll give you all the kisses you want when you get out."

"That'll take a lifetime," Spike said, even as he stood up. The meaning of his words didn't even occur to him as he grabbed the swim trunks and headed for the bathroom. He didn't turn around and never saw the tear that fell across Buffy's cheek.

~~~~~~~~

Spike eyes flew open when he heard Buffy screech. His body tensed prepared to protect her from whatever was frightening her. He relaxed though when he saw that she was only scrambling away from a wave. It crashed upon the shore and into the sandcastle she'd been building with the help of some children. Their family was staying in the room next to theirs and they'd descended on her with pleas to help when she appeared with buckets and shovels. He'd joined in on the first few buildings but as the monstrosity grew he'd bowed out to watch. 

He smiled as she retrieved their construction tools and moved them to safer ground. The pink glasses had been returned to their spot on her nose. The brilliant color matched the outrageous shade of her bathing suit. Her hair hung in twin braids on either side of her head making her appear to be sixteen. She was adorable as she played with the children. Spike remembered his fantasy of her surrounded by their children. It would be a shame for her to never fulfill the promise that was within her to be a mother. He sighed and lay back down. 

_Dangerous thoughts, mate, better soddin' stop that train…_

 "I think the ocean has won this time," Buffy said, lying next to him. "It destroyed the castle of Doom."

Droplets from the wave clung to the golden warmth of her skin. Spike was tempted to lick them off but remained where he was watching the sun evaporate them. He bent his foot so that his toes traced along her instep. She pulled her leg away but her hand slipped into his. It wasn't the reaction that he had anticipated but it was good enough. His eyes closed as the sun bathed them in its rays.

"Do you want children?" Spike said. They'd never really talked about things like that. The future. It had always been a forbidden subject because he was never going to be there with her.

"Yeah, I would," Buffy answered hesitantly. "I'd like to have a couple at least. Growing up as the only child and even though I was surrounded by kids it wasn't the same. Christmas mornings and stuff I was the only one there. It would have been nice to have a couple of brothers and sisters. But you know that."

"Yeah, I do," Spike said. "Always wanted to be surrounded by a big family. My Mum did her best but it was always so quiet on the holidays. The only family we had lived out in the country so Mum and I usually just stayed at home since she always had to be back at work the next day.

"That's rotten" Buffy agreed. "We always did the three of us in the morning but by afternoon we'd always go over to someone's house or they'd come over to ours." She paused for a minute. "I miss our house. It was a two story with a big back yard. Angel and Faith lived down the block back then."

"An idyllic childhood?"

"In a lot of ways," Buffy said, turning onto her stomach so she could look at him. "It seems once we got to middle school everything went to hell in a hand basket though."

"Growing up is a bitch," Spike said, tucking a stray lock behind her ear. "I grew up in a house that had been converted into flats. There was a backyard but only one other kid besides me lived there. I was too quiet for him to want to play with. He was into football and all that stuff and I'd rather be by myself."

"What did you do by yourself?"

"Read, tried writing, watched a lot of movies," Spike said. The loneliness of those days had never left him. He sighed as he looked away from Buffy. She saw too much and it scared him. He felt her lips press against his shoulder but she didn't say anything. There was something else that he used to do that he'd never told anyone. He didn't think he ever would. He'd always dreamed of marrying one of the princesses that he read about. They'd live in the enchanted castle and have lots of children so that he'd never be alone again. 

~~~~~~~~~

Buffy's finger poked at the last slice of pizza in the box. 

"You want that?"

They were both on the bed watching a movie they'd rented. Spike was lying on his stomach with his arms wrapped around a pillow while Buffy leaned against him. He turned his head to look at her then down at the pizza box.

"Go ahead," Spike answered. It still amazed him at how much food she could consume in one sitting. It certainly didn't linger upon her small frame and with appreciation of that fact his eyes caressed her body barely covered by a baby blue camisole and matching boyshorts. His perusal ended at her toes and he was considering sucking one when Buffy burped. It wasn't a small burp nor a behind the hand lady-like 'excuse me' burp but a belch that would rival any man's. Shocked, he looked up at her. Her eyes were dancing in merriment at him. "Bloody hell, woman, trying to blow the walls out?"

Buffy didn't answer, only smiled at him before she took another bite of pizza. He continued to watch her in fascination then she stuck her tongue out with half chewed food on it. He couldn't help but laugh at her childish antics. Somewhere during the playful morning and conversations they'd lost the awkwardness again. It was only confirmed by the fit of giggles that was rocking her body now. 

"And you were complaining about me having bad breath," Spike said, shaking his head. "That cloud you just expelled was enough to shrivel the balls off the lustiest bloke."

"Oh please," Buffy said, pinching his ass. "I'd just have to touch you and you'd be ready to go."

"Dream on, lady." Spike jumped when her hand traveled down between his legs. "What are you doing?"

"Checking," Buffy said. Her hand curled up to cup him. "See just one touch and…"

It was true. He couldn't even deny it. His cock was singing for joy at the feel of her hand on it even if there was a layer of denim between them. Their eyes crashed together as desire filled the air around them. It just couldn't be. After the confession, they'd decided to wait until they had the test results before doing anything. Spike wanted to make sure that Buffy was completely safe. They needed to stop this before anything really got started.

"And you're a very bad girl," Spike growled turning over and reaching for her. "I think it's about time you got that spanking and I think I'm just the man to do it."

"No," Buffy screamed, standing up and waving her finger at him. "You are so not going to lay a hand on me."

Spike jumped up but Buffy leapt to the second bed to escape him. 

"Come on, Buffy," Spike challenged as he shadowboxed around the bed in a mad dance. "You're not so tough. I can take you with one hand tied behind my back."

"Oh please, I knocked you out the first night I knew you," Buffy laughed, standing with her legs spread apart and swaying back and forth. She squealed when he unexpectedly landed next to her. His arms encircled her waist and tried to bring her down on the bed.

"Watch the pizza, pet," Spike told her as she fought to get loose from him. He knew he was in trouble when her eyes lit up and moved to eye the pizza with a gleam.

"You mean this pizza?" Buffy asked innocently. 

She smeared the slice across his chest and ran to the kitchen when his arms loosened. Spike stared at the sauce that was spread across his skin and the cheese that clung to one shoulder. Buffy's laughter rang out and he looked up at her. She had no place to run and he smiled as he stepped slowly off the bed. 

"You are so going to pay this time," Spike said, feigning anger as he advanced on her, but her laughter was too infectious. He couldn't help but grin as she backed up, throwing her arms out against the wall in a dramatic gesture.

"I'm sorry," Buffy said. "I'll make it all better. Truce, okay?"

A kitchen towel was used for a flag of surrender. She waved it at him and when he was close enough began to wipe the mess from him. He planted his hands on either side of her as he watched her clean him up. Her shoulders still shook from laughter and he couldn't resist the temptation to hug her when she was done. The towel was thrown toward the sink as they held each other. The invitation was clear as she tilted her head back. Her lips parted and her eyes clouded with a need that he knew was mirrored in his own. 

"You have pepperoni breath," Buffy whispered when they were only a fraction of a second from kissing.

"Oh, fine," Spike said, pulling back.  "If you don't want to kiss me then I just won't even try." He headed back to the bedroom but was stopped by a finger through his belt loop. Laughing, he continued on his way, dragging her behind him. 

"I want kisses," Buffy declared, jumping on his back and wrapping her arms around his neck. She rained kisses along his cheek and neck. "Kisses, pepperoni kisses, give me kisses."

"No, you keep telling me that my breath is bad," Spike said, dumping her on the second bed. "If it's so bad why do you want me to kiss you?"

"Because it makes me tingly," Buffy said, lying back with her arms crossed behind her head. "Come here and make me feel your electricity."

"Not until you apologize."

"Nope, not until you give me kisses."

It was a standoff. Spike lay on the bed they'd previously been sharing. He'd figured that Buffy would join him soon enough, but she remained where she was. Her eyes remained glued to the movie they'd been watching before. Every once in a while she'd make a small noise or flop over on the bed to get his attention but for the first time she wasn't budging. If he wanted to hold her it was up to him. After almost an hour he gave up his pride, headed to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. It was for a show of compromise and when he went to her, he was met with open arms. He decided that giving in was worth it when she snuggled up to his side. 

_If only everything was this easily solved_, he thought as he pulled her closer to give her the kisses she wanted.

_to be continued…_


	20. Winds of Change

**Chapter 20 – Winds of Change**

Spike was half-asleep. 

Mostly though he was feeling content; a bone-deep contentment that could only be explained by the fact that Buffy was with him.  Their day together had been nearly perfect even with the stand off. They'd talked about things they'd never talked about before. They'd laughed and played and the kisses they'd shared were filled with such sweet promises for the future.

A future that was his if he would only take a chance. Angel had been right; he did need to make a decision. Buffy needed more than what he was offering her. She was worth more than he could ever be but for some reason she wanted him. A thought that now humbled him with its magnitude. He didn't say anything to Buffy because he was still unsure of himself, of her, and of what he wanted. He wanted time to think without her there to influence him.

Buffy turned the kitchen light off and headed for the bathroom. Spike watched as she prepared to come to bed. It amazed him that she could be so beautiful even while she did simple things like washing her face or spreading lotion over her skin. 

"If you come here I'll put some on your back," Spike said, needing to touch her. When he'd gone to her earlier they'd held each other, kissing and touching but there was still something she'd held back. It had been there ever since though, an elusive feeling that was fed by her quiet manner. Like now when she looked up at him with cautious eyes but a smile quickly graced her face. He reassured himself that it had to be because she was preparing herself for when he left.

"Thanks," Buffy said, handing him the bottle of lotion before sitting on the end of the bed. 

Spike scooted closer to her. He inhaled the tart scent of apples as he poured the creamy liquid into his palms. Buffy remained facing the television even though she'd pulled her shirt up. There was a pinkish tint to her skin from her morning in the sun. It only told of her vulnerability and humanness, reminding him that he needed to protect her. It was the one responsibility he didn't want but found he couldn't walk away from.

Buffy flinched when the cold lotion touched her. A shiver ran through her as goose bumps appeared along her spine. "Sorry, Luv," Spike whispered. "It'll warm up in a minute." A brief nod was his only response. His hands rubbed upward along her back, spreading out to duck under her shirt. He massaged her shoulders lost in the sensation of being close to her. 

Her head bowed as his thumbs pressed along the back of her neck. Already he was hard. A state he was beginning to accept as normal. His body didn't remember the release that he'd given it alone in the shower. He only had to be was around her and he sprang to attention. 

Maybe it wasn't right. Maybe he shouldn't have but he was too far gone to consider the consequences. The constant state of arousal was battering at his sense of right and wrong. He wanted…needed just a taste of what he knew he shouldn't have. His hands moved slowly back down along her back, venturing to her sides. Then when there were no protests, he cupped her breasts and pulled her back. She whimpered when she found herself between his legs, pressed against what needed her so badly. It was a temptation to heaven when her head fell back against his shoulder and she arched deeper into his hands. 

The mounds fit so easily into his hands as he squeezed them carefully. Buffy was moving restlessly against him trying to gain friction between her breasts and his hands. He swallowed when fear clutched at him. He didn't want to hurt her but he was too far gone to stop now and so was she. They both needed a release from the frustration that was continually battering at their promises. 

"Hold on, baby," Spike whispered as he gathered her tight against him. He moved them back until he was leaning against the headboard. "Now relax. I'm gonna make you feel so good."

"You know you're the only one," Buffy said in ragged tones. "Last night…"

"Last night I was a fool," Spike said. "Forgive me."

Her response was to press her bottom closer to his erection and he moaned his need. The fire he'd talked about the first time they'd touched was burning out of control. It had been building all day and only by touching could they put it out.

Spike pulled her camisole over her head, dropping it on the floor. Her arms crossed over her chest in a self-protective embrace. He let her have her modesty and instead let his hands drift along her hips then to her inner thighs. Satin soft, they were pressed tight together but he persisted until she opened them for him. 

"Lean back," Spike directed, fingers kneading at the flesh just below her pubic mound. "Any time you want to stop just tell me."

Buffy turned back to him. Her eyes were huge in her face as she studied him. He knew she was making a decision and he waited for her to come to her own conclusions. Her lips pressed against him, almost chaste in their pressure that was gone too soon. Like the lady she was, Buffy rested against his chest, so prim and proper in light of what they were about to do. It only made him ache for her even more.

With unhurried movements, Spike opened her wide, directing her legs over his. A sigh escaped from her as she settled in a little more comfortably. She was his now. Only her panties kept her virtue from him but they wouldn't keep him out for long. 

"How far have you gone?" Spike asked. Unwilling to wait for the answer he was already returning his attention to her breasts. "Has anyone ever touched you like this?" She didn't answer and he knew that someone, probably Angel, had been there before him. Jealousy filled him at the thought. She was made to be his was his only thought. 

"No one has ever made me feel like you do," Buffy said. He was exploring her neck with his mouth and her hands clutched at his hips. "You make me feel alive."

He didn't understand how he could when his heart had been cold for so long. It was she that brought life to him. She was everything that he'd never had before. It was thrilling to be even noticed by such a creature as Buffy. Knowing he was sentencing himself to even further pain he slowed his caresses. Spike grabbed the lotion and with a smile, already knowing her reaction, he dispensed some onto her stomach. She inhaled but he scooped it back up to spread over her front. It gave him the excuse to fully explore her. Buffy quivered under his ministrations. Pride filled him at being able to make her feel things she'd never felt before. 

Buffy's hand covered his, pulling it down to her stomach again. He spread his hand, stroking the small curve between her belly button and the top of her panties. 

"Do you want me to touch you?" Spike asked, his finger following the elastic lightly. He tugged on the string on one side. His teasing must have frustrated her because Buffy pulled her legs together before yanking her only remaining garment off. She dropped them on the bed beside them before resuming her earlier position.  Spike chuckled. "I take it that's a yes." Thankful for the light glowing from the television, he gazed upon her completely naked form for the first time. His eyes though couldn't move from the very essence of her womanhood. He realized that her cheek pressed to his was burning and knew that she'd never been so exposed. Gathering her close he rocked her in his arms. "Shh, do you know how beautiful you are? There could never be anyone that could ever compare to you. My life has been better with you in it."

Spike waited until the tension left her body again before allowing himself the luxury of feeling her again. His hands moved over the curves and valleys of her body without ever reaching the center of her. He waited until she was moving restlessly with unsatisfied passion before giving into his own desires. At first he only cupped her, letting her get used to him before he stroked her. Her hands covered his and he was surprised by her boldness as she led him to what she wanted.

"Do you think of me when I'm gone?" Spike asked and thought he'd explode when she nodded. "Show me, Luv, show me what you do."

His fingers entwined with hers as they explored her. Her head fell back as she progressed closer and closer to her orgasm pulling him along with her. Unconsciously his hips rubbed against her in an effort to find his own release. There was no longer any shyness between them as they lost themselves to their physical longings. 

"Spike, take me," Buffy cried, pushing his hand further down. "I need you inside…"

Spike didn't stop to think. She needed something he could give and he plunged two of his fingers into her passage. It was the small cry of pain from her that told him what he'd done. He froze unsure of what to do. His mind filled with recriminations as he tried to remove his fingers but her hand tightened on his wrist.

"No, don't, please don't stop," Buffy pleaded. "It's okay…just please…"

Tears filled his eyes as he resumed thrusting into her. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He had crossed a line he hadn't been prepared to even face yet. Spike pushed his fears aside and concentrated on making it as pleasurable for her as possible. His mouth resumed suckling and teasing along her shoulder while one hand returned to her breasts. Together, their hands still entwined, they continued to stroke her toward release.  She pushed up on her heels, riding his fingers, faster and faster until she finally broke. Her body slumped against him even as her tears flowed.   
  
"I'm sorry, Buffy," Spike whispered, over and over as he pulled Buffy around. He held her tenderly as they both cried, overwhelmed by what they had done. "Are you okay, Luv?" There was no answer only her fingers kneading deeper into his back. "Buffy, please, talk to me. I'm sorry…I…oh, god…baby, I'm sorry."

Buffy sniffled and lifted her head. He stroked her face, staring into eyes that were so confused. 

"Come on," Spike whispered. "I'm going to get you into the bathtub. It'll make you feel better."

She looked down at herself, at the blood that was on her thighs then back up at him. 

"I wanted you," Buffy whispered. "I've wanted you since the first night I met you." She hid her face in his neck. "I just thought when it happened it would be a little different; like we'd actually be making love or something."

"We were," Spike said. "It comes in all forms, lamb. Every time we're together it's making love, no matter how little we do or how far we go." He played with her hair, holding her as tightly as he could.  "It'll just make it a little easier the first time you do let someone make love to you all the way."

"Still trying to get out of it, huh? I think you've already done the damage…"

"You're not damaged," Spike said gruffly. "You're a beautiful passionate woman."

"Who can't even lose her virginity…"

"Stop it, now," Spike commanded. He cupped her cheek, forcing her to look at him. 'You didn't do anything…damn your hide woman." Spike laughed when he caught the edge of Buffy's lips trembling with laughter. "Here I am feeling all guilty and you're just soaking up the sympathy."

"Spike," Buffy's smile faded while her fingers plucked gently at the hair on his chest. "Seriously, you don't think badly of me?" Her hand waved over them. "That I acted like…"

"No, Buffy, it only made you so much more precious to me."

The beaming smile she gave relieved the last of his battered conscious. He knew that it was all right when she wiped the remaining tears from his cheek. He pulled her closer, pressing his lips to the softness of hers. Her hand curled around his neck, holding him to her as she took the initiative again, plunging her tongue into his mouth. The combination of innocence and passion was pushing him to the edge of desire. Never before had he felt such a deep yearning for someone. She was making him believe in chances again. And when Buffy led them to lie on the bed he was holding onto his control by a thread.

The only thing between their heated flesh was the silk boxers he wore. Free to explore, his hands danced along her sweat slicked body. The kisses they shared only deepened, their tongues darting from one mouth to the other, as they teased each other to new heights. Forgotten were all the promises to wait. Spike pulled her leg over his hip so he could press his pulsing erection against her belly. It would take so little to slip inside of the only place he wanted to be. 

"Do you want me to touch you?" Buffy asked, echoing his earlier question. Her breathing coming in short gasps against his lips. Hands, trembling in the newness of their activities were already traveling along his stomach. "I want to touch you." Fingers tickled at the skin on his lower stomach. "May I touch you?" Her hand slipped inside of his shorts. 

Spike's hips thrust up into the tiny hand wrapped around his shaft. She was lost, unsure of what to do, and he returned her earlier favor. His hand closed over hers. "Like this," he whispered. He guided her until she was comfortable with the rhythm he wanted. Always before it had been experienced lovers who needed no help to make him cum but it was Buffy in her uncertainty that was bringing him to ecstasy now. 

"I love…being with you, the way you are," Spike moaned. He was losing control fast. "I love the way you make me feel, Buffy." She sped up when he couldn't control the thrusting of his hips into her palm. He buried his face in her shoulder and came in a body shuddering orgasm. 

"I love you, Spike," Buffy whispered. 

He knew what she needed but the closeness they'd shared had only scared him more. And as his head cleared that fear clutched at his heart and he couldn't say the words. The disappointment showed on her face but she quickly hid it. Later as they lay in the bathtub together he was already regretting the chance he'd blown as Buffy seemed to slip away from him again.

~~~~~~~~

Buffy opened her eyes and tried to focus in the morning sun that was beginning to creep across the bed. She looked at the clock and instantly the foggy claim of sleep vanished. It was already 5:45 AM and Spike had to report for work in only forty-five minutes.

"Spike," Buffy cried, shaking his shoulder. "We overslept. Wake up."

They both made a mad dash to dress and pack up their remaining belongings. A call to Angel had him honking outside their door by 6:15 and they ran to leave the room. Spike held the door for her but Buffy hesitated for a moment. It wasn't really theirs and it was never meant to last but the motel room had been their first place together. They'd lived there for three days and they'd shared so much in those tiny rooms. Neither of them was ever going to be the same after this visit and it hurt her to leave it behind.

"Come on, Luv," Spike said, reaching for her hand. "I know how you feel." He looked around the room as she walked by him. The door closed and it was over.

"Hurry up, you two," Angel called. "We're all going to be late if you don't move it."

Buffy almost laughed when she realized the car was full. In the front Cordelia sat next to Angel with Faith by the door. Already in the backseat were Wesley and Xander with Anya on his lap. Never before had Angel given a ride to everyone. Usually they all found their own ways to the ship and it only confirmed that things weren't the same. 

Spike threw their bags in the trunk and climbed into the back seat. He helped Buffy in, settling her on his lap. 

"Let's go, mate," Spike said. "We're ready."

The ride was made in silence but Anya caught Buffy gazing at Faith with curiosity. 

"Faith went home with Wesley after the disaster at the Bronze," Anya said. "They've been together ever since."

The brunette turned to look at Buffy with eyes that dared her to comment. Buffy didn't. It only made Faith one of them now. The circle had closed again. Each of the women in their group was paired off but still living a solitary life. She only offered a smile to Faith as she tried to communicate her understanding.

Angel brought the car to a screeching halt at the gate and everyone piled out of the car. Good-byes were said as the bags were sorted through and taken. Even Faith and Wesley were locked in an ardent embrace that lay to rest any questions of what they'd been doing in the last thirty-six hours. The men began to move off as they finished saying what they needed but Buffy still clung to Spike. She needed to know that what they shared meant something to him. The words were never uttered. His kisses were loving and his arms held her tight but the one thing she needed the most was never given. 

"I'll write you first chance I get," Spike whispered. He turned and walked off. At the bottom of the gangplank he stopped, dropped his bag and ran back to her. He cupped her face and kissed her again. "I promise I'm coming back to you." 

Then he was gone.

The women should have left. They had jobs, school and their own lives to return to but none of them moved. It was Faith that came to Buffy and laid an arm around her shoulder as she cried. Anya went to get them coffee and slowly they settled on the trunk of the car. Every once in a while one of their men would lean over the rail and wave at them. They'd all wave back but it wasn't until the ship pulled anchor and sailed from the harbor that they left.

It was as if they already knew that things were going to change. Never again would their lives be the same as it was on this trip. Their inclusion of Spike into their group had changed them. It had forced them from the complacent acceptance of their lives still hovering between adolescence and adulthood. By the time the men returned life would be different for them all.

_to be continued…_


	21. Smoke From a Distant Fire

**Chapter 21 – Smoke From a Distant Fire**

It was amazing to Spike that he could be in Hong Kong's _New__Town__Plaza__ and feel like he was at home. A lot of the shops were the same ones he could find in almost any mall anywhere. It was the same with the restaurants. The guys and he had just finished lunch at __McDonald's before heading out to do some shopping. It didn't seem to matter to the girls if their presents came from a store they could shop at home as long as it actually came from another country. Most of the time they'd try to find original items but when all else failed a mall was a mall. _

Everyone had split up and was supposed to meet up in about hour to head back to the ship. Spike sighed as he stood in front of the lingerie shop and gazed at the items in the window. He cast a furtive glance around him to make sure none of the others were watching before leaning to peep in the store itself. There was a lacy piece of lingerie in the window that he was thinking about buying Buffy. That was if he ever worked up the courage to go inside. It was all frilly and there wasn't any other men in there so he stood there trying to talk himself into doing it.

Besides the little scrap of nothing he was looking at, he was thinking about replacing some of the panties he'd been pilfering from her. The last night they spent together he'd been in charge of packing their bags while she cleaned the kitchen. Somehow the yellow pair had ended up in his bag instead of hers. It was getting to be shameful but he couldn't help it. A pair tucked into his pants just made his day a little more joyful and the anticipation for taking a shower a little more heightened.

Spike sighed again and was taking a step toward the entrance when someone touched his arm. He turned quickly trying to come up with a macho excuse for going in the store and found himself face to face with Harmony.

"Harm," Spike said, smiling. "Hi, what are you doing here?" He winced when he realize how excited he sounded. It was just what he needed for Harmony to think he was trying to pick her up again.

"Uh, shopping," Harmony said, looking at him like he was completely crazy. "And I won't even ask what you're doing here besides being all jittery."

"I'm not jittery," Spike defended himself then quickly gave up under Harmony's scrutiny. "I've just never really had cause to buy anything in these places and…"

"Is it for her?"

"Yeah," Spike answered, grateful that there was only amusement in her face. "I kind of like that number but…" He pointed to the item he'd been looking at.

"But you're too chicken shit to walk in there and buy it?" 

"Hey, now," Spike laughed, "Manly pride here and all. I was working up to it."

"Oh, come on," Harmony said, grabbing his hand and pulling him in. She looked around, found the lace babydoll hanging on a rack, and headed for it with him in tow. "What size is she?"

"About your size," Spike said, looking her over. He put his hands in front of his chest. "She's not as big here though."

"What color is her hair and eyes?"

Spike hesitated to answer knowing how it would seem to Harmony and he couldn't defend himself because it was the truth. He could feel the color spilling into his cheeks and he looked away. From the corner of his eye he could see her studying him. 

"Well, I don't know whether to be insulted or not," Harmony said, straightening up. Then she shrugged, punched his arm and laughed. "Don't worry about it. You weren't anything but a revenge fuck anyway. So, I guess that makes us both idiots."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Spike said. "You know if circumstances…"

"Don't," Harmony put her hand up. "If circumstances were different we probably wouldn't have even done anything. We both got off so let it go." She turned back to the rack, found the right size and pulled a couple off. She held up a mint green and a black one. "Either one of these ought to look good on her. They're the colors I'd choose."

Spike watched as Harmony held the two different babydolls against her. It had to be the memory of the sex they'd had or maybe he was substituting her for Buffy again but he could feel his blood rushing to his groin. He blinked a couple of times to try and ease his libido. It didn't help.

_Make a decision….she's not the one you want….Buffy_

"The black one," Spike stammered out. He turned quickly, ignoring Harmony's chuckling as he searched for something that would take his mind off sex. Everywhere he looked though there were things that were made to make a woman more sensual…more appealing and he groaned. Even the smell of the shop was feminine, a little musky, and his cock was getting harder by the second.

_Have to get the fuck out of here…_

"Here," Harmony said, handing him the garment he'd chosen. "Is there anything else that you wanted to get her?" She leaned closer to him as she searched his features. "Are you all right? Your face is all red." 

"I'm fine," Spike said, holding the babydoll in front of him. "I just…"

"Thinking about her, huh? She must be something else."

"Yeah, she is," Spike agreed. He realized his voice held a dreamy quality when he spoke about Buffy. His body relaxed. He didn't want Harmony. He wanted the girl that was waiting for him. "Actually was thinking about buying her some…underwear."

"Underwear? Oh, panties," Harmony said, nodding her head. "You say underwear and I think about my grandmother." She grabbed his hand again. "They're over here."

He was pulled over to a table that was overflowing with panties. His head spun as he gazed at all the colors and styles. Dancing in his head was a chorus line of Buffy's wearing a rainbow assortment of panties, and only panties. His fantasy eased into one of Buffy in various seductive, centerfold poses. His mouth was watering and his cock was now at full attention as she bent and stretched to his imaginary camera's whim.

_Bloody hell…I'm horny….Why can't I just take Buffy with me? I'd take her to the nearest bathroom, hold her against a wall and…hell, can't think about that…we haven't shagged yet. Oh, yeah…_

His mind wandered back to Buffy sitting between his legs letting him touch her wherever he wanted…

"Spike, pay attention," Harmony laughed, smacking his stomach. "You keep lusting about her here you're going to end up in a puddle on the floor or get yourself arrested for lewd behavior when you throw yourself into the…undiewear."

"Undie? What?" Spike scrunched up his face. "That's ridiculous woman."

"Got your mind off having sex, didn't it?"

Spike shook his head and laughed. Harmony was right. It did pull him out of the fantasy that was playing havoc with his senses. Suddenly more comfortable about where he was Spike handed her the lingerie and got down to the business of choosing panties for Buffy. They were 'buy three get three free' and he ended up with a total of twelve pairs. Sometimes he'd ask Harmony's opinion but mostly it wasn't hard to choose. He already knew what Buffy liked to wear and what he wanted to see her in. 

"Last one," Spike said, counting what was already in his hand. He walked over to a pile he hadn't gone through yet and searched for the size he needed. "Bingo," he muttered as he pulled out a pink lace thong. It reminded him of the bikini she'd worn on that last day and he was already anticipating a few fantasies about them before he ever got back to California.

Harmony stayed with him as he headed to pay for the presents. He walked around a rack and stopped in his tracks. There was a display of pajamas in front of him. If he was pressed Spike would have to admit that the babydoll was as much for him as Buffy. It was a style he'd never seen her wear but wanted to very much. Now the pajamas would be something that would be totally hers because it would be something she'd pick out. The pair catching his eye was navy blue flannel with snowmen splashed across it. It made him think of Christmas and being with Buffy while drinking hot chocolate and wrapping presents for their…he sighed, children. This time it wasn't such a scary thought and a pair was added to his pile. 

"Damn good thing I got paid," Spike said, searching his wallet for enough Hong Kong dollars to cover everything. 

It didn't take him long and soon he was holding a shopping bag full of presents for Buffy. He glanced down at them and hoped she didn't think he'd gone crazy or something. She rarely left his mind now and he still hated that they hadn't had a chance to talk the morning he left. He'd wanted to get up, take care of her some more and leave her feeling pampered and special. Instead they'd left in a mad dash that had him feeling like something wasn't finished. It was a feeling like walking out of a movie before it was over and never knowing how it ended. And he figured if he felt like that then Buffy had to be feeling it too. 

"Do you want to go and get some coffee?" Harmony asked breaking him from his reverie.

Spike glanced over at her. She suddenly seemed nervous about something and he wondered what was going on. Since she'd been a good friend by helping him out he wanted to return the favor. 

"Yeah," Spike answered and they walked in silence to Starbucks, made their purchases and sat down across from one another. "How are things going, Harm?"

"You know, how sometimes you want something then you get it," Harmony said, fidgeting with the coffee stirrer. She sighed. "You get it and you're feeling overwhelmed by it but you still want it."

"Yeah, I do," Spike said, nodding his head. It was exactly how he felt about being in a relationship with Buffy. He took a drink of his coffee as he once again thought of her.

"I'm pregnant," Harmony stated.

Spike choked. He coughed. His eyes watered.

"Oh, my god," Harmony said, jumping up to pound his back. "It's not yours. I'm sorry for just blurting that out. I didn't even think that you would…"

Spike put his hand up as he gained control again. He shook his head and looked at the woman who was once again sitting across from him. She had a big grin on her face as she sipped her decaf coffee. Relief was his predominant emotion at the moment. He'd been waiting for something, anything, to tear him away from Buffy. So far, though, everything seemed to be all right. Maybe he could relax and let himself enjoy the happiness he felt around Buffy.

"It's okay," Spike said, smiling back. "I take it congratulations are in order?"

"Yeah," Harmony said, looking away for a second but then her gaze settled on his face. "You were the last one. I could see so much of me in you that night. I was running away from the one thing that I wanted; what my heart wanted." She leaned back in her chair. Her face so peaceful that Spike felt jealous of what she'd found. "It was so hard for so long. He was never there and most of the time I was waking up to an empty house and sleeping alone. After you I decided to give my relationship everything and ended up pregnant." She laughed. "I told him, come back to the states with me or I was going alone. So, he's going. We leave in two weeks. I've never been happier."

"I'm glad that it worked out for you."

"So, am I," Harmony said. "So, you and this girl…?"

"Buffy, her name is Buffy."

"I take it that you two are together now?"

Spike wasn't sure how to answer. It was pretty much a given to him that they were together. Buffy had confessed her love and he'd promised to be faithful and return to her. Other than that there really wasn't anything to tie them together. Slowly, he explained to Harmony what had been going on between him and Buffy. It felt good to talk to someone who didn't have ties to her. He was able to be totally honest without having to justify his insecurities.  

"I promised to come back to her," Spike said, after glossing over the last day that he'd spent with Buffy. "I know she was upset because I was leaving and I feel lousy that I couldn't give her the one thing she wanted."

"It sounds more like she just wants you," Harmony said. "Spike, I told you back then that she was the one but you didn't want to listen. You've been running around for months now in denial. It's hurting both of you."

"I'm scared, Harm," Spike said, feeling the fear gripping his heart at even letting his emotions out. "What if it all falls apart?"

"What if it doesn't?" Harmony reached for his hand but snatched it back as their table was surrounded. 

"What's going on, Spike?" Angel asked, looking from Harmony to Spike.

"Talking to a friend," Spike said, standing. "Harmony, these are my shipmates and friends, Wesley, Xander and Angel. Guys, this is Harmony."

"Hi and nice to meet you," Harmony said, standing to accept their handshakes. After a few polite comments she smiled and reached for her own bags. "Look, I'm taking off. I've got a million things to do." She stepped around Angel so she could kiss Spike's cheek. "Take a chance, blondie bear; tell her one day before its too late."

~~~~~~~~

Email from Buffy to Spike:

Hello Spike,

How are you? I've missed you but school has been keeping me busy. It's hard getting used to studying again. I'm glad that Willow is around to help out. She even took Psych 2 with me so that I would have a familiar face somewhere. It's been weird because most of the people I'm taking classes with are younger than I am or a lot older. It's just been lonely that's all. Arnie's been really great about giving me time off for school but still keeping me for the big tip nights. 

Between work and school I barely have any free time which in a way is a good thing. Mom has been in full Mom mode with nagging me about studying and making sure I get enough sleep. There are some good things about it because she made me chocolate chip cookies. Yum!! 

Faith and I are talking again. It's still kind of strained but at least it's a start. 

How are you doing? Is your run going well? Angel said that you were going to have some difficult loads coming back. I hope that everything goes okay.

I've missed you. It's hard to sleep without you with me. 

Buffy 

~~~~~~~~

It was the last thing she expected. 

Buffy was getting organized for Psych class by pulling out her notebook and opening her textbook to the right chapter. She searched her purse to find something to write with but couldn't find anything.

_Damn it…must have left it at home on my desk._

She leaned over and asked Willow if she had an extra pen when she saw him. Riley. He was sitting at a table next to Professor Walsh's desk. There was an army of butterflies in her stomach doing something related to a polka as their eyes connected. It couldn't be happening. The one person she never wanted to see and there he was. She barely heard her professor introduce Riley as the new teacher's assistant. Her mind was spinning, trying to find a way to accept that she'd have to see him twice a week until the end of class. 

The class seemed to last forever. Buffy's notes came out as nonsense and she knew she'd have to borrow Willow's. Her friend's hand came to squeeze hers every once in a while so she'd know she wasn't alone. Not realizing it she kept worrying the locket Spike had given her. It was a habit she'd acquired whenever she thought of him. It was one of the few things she had to hold onto. And now facing Riley all her doubts were flooding back to her.

_I love being with you_…Not I love you.

_It only made you more precious to me_…Not you're the only one for me.

Why couldn't she be loved? Was there something wrong with her? Did Spike only keep coming around because he knew that eventually she would be a sure thing? Did he secretly like the rush of initiating her into sex? Was he some kind of pervert because he kept stealing her panties? 

Buffy sighed. There were just too many questions she didn't have the answers to. She wished they'd had more time to talk before he left. It wasn't that she really regretted what they'd done. She'd done it in love and Spike was the only one who had really made her feel things because of that love. It was his feelings or lack of feelings that were making her uneasy. And there was the biggest question of all. Could she spend her life with someone who openly said they could never love her?

"You coming, Buffy," Willow said, squeezing her arm. "Class is over."

"Oops, daydreaming," Buffy said, quickly gathering her things together. She looked around, didn't see Riley and made a beeline for the door. Willow stayed right beside her wearing her resolve face. Buffy smiled knowing that the red head would protect her if necessary. "Clean getaway."

She spoke too soon as she felt a hand close around her arm.

"Buffy, hi," Riley said, when she turned to look at him. "Look, I know that I'm probably the last person you want to see."

"Yeah," Buffy said, waiting for him to make the next move. She studied his face and tried to remember why she had fallen for him. It had been a different time in her life when she thought the world was at her feet. Nothing could have slowed her down or dampened her spirits. She was young, going to college and in love. The future was something that she dreamed about with no fear. Until one night she'd gotten a phone call that had shattered that life forever. The driver that had hit her mom had taken so much away from them.

"How is your mother?" Riley asked, when she didn't answer. 

_Pay attention_, Buffy thought and stepped closer to Willow who wasn't leaving her side.

"She's doing great," Buffy said, relieved that she could be honest. "She's coping well, working part time and she's happy again."

"I'm glad," Riley said, reaching over to pick up her locket. "William? Is that your new boyfriend?"

_Is he?_

"Yeah, he works with Angel."

"I'm glad that you have someone," Riley said, nodding and letting go of the necklace. He shuffled his feet for a moment then looked back up at her. "I know that you probably don't want to hear this but I'm sorry. And this time it's not a load of crap." He sighed. "I was young, immature and selfish but I did love you Buffy. I've regretted what I did every day since then and I'm not asking for your forgiveness because I don't deserve it. I don't want to make things difficult for you so if you want to act like we don't know each other in class that's fine but I hope, maybe we can be friends."

"I don't know, Riley," Buffy said, feeling her eyes fill with tears. "I wasn't expecting to see you again so I need time to think about it."

"That's fine; whatever you need or want."

Buffy nodded and walked away. Riley seemed sincere in his apology. She'd been angry with him for so long and now she couldn't even find it. The strongest thing she felt was regret. Regret that a part of her life was over that she could never have again. She could feel his eyes still watching her and she turned her head to look back at him. He waved at her and she gave him a tentative smile before turning around again.

_to__ be continued…_


	22. Silent Town

**Chapter 22 – ****Silent****Town******

There wasn't a part of Spike's body that didn't hurt. It had been a long back breaking day loading the ship. After one hold had been completely filled their first mate told them it had to be unloaded because the weight wasn't distributed right. It had taken them almost eighteen hours to get the ship ready to go and everyone was on the brink of exhaustion. 

The _Darla was making her way back to California with a crew that was apprehensive. Since the time they'd started loading an air of bad luck had been following them. Problems, small and potentially huge, had been dogging them every step of the way. Between the holds not being loaded properly, a refrigeration hold malfunctioning, and the exhaustion, no one was really in a good mood. The crew was gathered in the rec room trying to watch a movie and relax but it wasn't a fun atmosphere. _

Spike gave up trying to pretend to be sociable and started to make his way back to his cabin.

"Hey, blondie bear," Pablo, a crew member snickered. "Going off to daydream about your panty girl? Just make sure you wipe down the shower when you're through."

Spike ignored him.

The crew talked. What else was there to do for weeks on end at sea? Most of the time they forgave each other their quirks and they usually respected the ones that did have pictures and mementos of their girls. So, the fact that Pablo knew about Harmony's nickname for him and that he kept Buffy's panties on him didn't really bother Spike. He knew worse things about some of the other crew members. It was what Pablo said next that pissed him off. 

"And, hey," Pablo continued, encouraged by the laughter of some of the others. "Can we borrow the pictures and the panties when you're done? Your little California pussy looks to be one hot…"

Angel was on his feet but Spike seemed to fly over him to get to Pablo. He could hear a few of the crew yelling, "Fight", and he could feel hands trying to pull him off. But in spite of the obstacles Spike managed to haul Pablo to his feet and push him against the wall.

"Apologize now," Spike demanded. "Nobody talks about Buffy like that."

"Spike, let go now," Angel said, pulling on him. "You hit him and it's your ass in trouble."

"You going to let him talk like that about Buffy?" Spike asked, still holding on tight to the front of Pablo's shirt. If the jerk wasn't going to be disciplined for opening his mouth then Spike would make sure he paid.

"Spike, last time, let go." 

Angel tugged on him and out of respect for his position, Spike reluctantly released Pablo but didn't step back. He wasn't going to back down until he heard an apology from Pablo and hopefully some kind of disciplinary action being taken. Buffy wasn't going to be besmirched while he was around. 

"Are you going to do something, boss?" Spike asked, putting a sarcastic tilt to the last word. 

"Come on Pablo," Xander said, stepping closer. "Apologize okay? You know Buffy is Spike's girl and most of us are friends with her. Don't be starting trouble."

"Whatever," Pablo said. "Sorry man didn't know she was special to you, not the way you treat her. Everybody's talking about you taking her to a motel like she's your slut or something."

"Watch it," Angel said. "Spike, go on to wherever you were going. I'll have a talk here with our friend."

Spike looked around the room at the rest of the crew wondering if they all thought that way about his relationship to Buffy. Had he given her a reputation by taking her to the motel? She hadn't seemed worried about it but he didn't know what had happened after they sailed. He had never really thought about the world that she lived in and her part in it. After all he was only there a few days out of the month and wasn't a part of the community. Sunnydale wasn't that big of a town and he wondered if people were talking about her. 

Buffy was known as the good girl among the people she knew. The guys had told him that and how else could anyone see her? She had dropped out of college to help care for her mother, never gave into the temptations that working at the bar had to afford her and she was still innocent.

_Yeah, until you came along mate, _Spike thought as he made his way back to his cabin. Buffy had told him about the conversation with her father concerning her association with him. His hand ran over his face as he realized that Giles was right about her acting differently than the girl they'd known. She was breaking out of the role that had been assigned her and becoming the woman she wanted to be but at what price? 

Questions that he had never allowed himself to ponder began to demand to be heard. Was Buffy letting her emotions control her decisions? Had she thought about how she would be looked upon after their relationship was over? Would other men think like Pablo?

_Back up; back up…when we're over? Who the hell said we'd be over?_

Spike sank down on his bed as the questions continued to rampage through his mind. Wouldn't their relationship eventually have to end if he wasn't offering her love or marriage? Didn't that mean that it was all just for a good time and when it wasn't fun anymore it would be over? Where would that leave Buffy? She'd be known as the girl who whored around with a sailor who had only wanted her for a good time. 

_You stupid bleedin' jerk…_

Pablo didn't have to besmirch Buffy. Spike had done it all on his own. Yes, she'd been willing to follow him wherever he led but she'd done it for love.

_"I love you, Spike_." Her voice had been soft and trembling in the aftermath of the most intense intimate moment of her life. And he'd been too selfish…too frightened to say the words that she needed to hear. 

He reached under his bed and pulled out the packet with her pictures in it. Slowly, he looked through them letting the memories of his last visit wash over him; Buffy on the beach, making the bed, lying across the bed, brushing her teeth, all moments when he had laughingly caught her unaware. Of course, she'd retaliated and was in possession of a few of him in candid moments. There were also some posed ones including some they'd taken with him holding the camera at arm's length to capture them together.  

An ache filled his heart as he thought for the first time of the ramifications of his wanting to spend time with her only on his terms. Answers came to him in revelations that brought clarity to his heart. He didn't want anyone to come after him in Buffy's heart, life, or bed. He didn't want her to bear the brunt of unkind words or thoughts because she had chosen to be his lover. He didn't want her to hurt because of anything he'd done or said and with shame he admitted to himself that he had already brought her too many tears. With a sigh he gazed down at her picture and for the first time listened to what his heart had been trying to tell him since the first moment he'd seen her.

The door to the cabin opened startling Spike from his thoughts. He looked up to see Angel step into his cabin. 

"I gave Pablo a verbal warning," Angel said, sitting on the opposite bunk. "He was just mouthing off, letting off steam but he went too far. It pissed the hell out of me, too. Buffy doesn't deserve to be talked about like that."

"If I hadn't taken her to the motel…"

"It doesn't matter what you all did or didn't do," Angel said. "He had no right to talk about her or you for that matter." He gestured to the pictures in Spike's hand. "Those pictures of her?"

"Yeah," Spike said, reluctantly handing them over after taking out a few that weren't meant for sharing especially with her ex-boyfriend. "We took them the last day we were there."

"I don't know how she's doing it," Angel said, thumbing through the photos. "But she's getting prettier all the time. Not that she hasn't always been pretty but when she was a teenager she was more bouncy and cute."

Jealousy reared its head again at hearing about a part of Buffy's life that he would never be a part of; a part that Angel had shared with her as her friend and boyfriend. No matter what he did or how close he and Buffy became, Angel would always have a part of her that he couldn't touch. It was time to lay claim to her future; a future in which she would belong only to him.

"Angel?"

"Yeah?"

The other man looked up at him and Spike swallowed as the words became stuck in his throat. He already knew they were true. It wasn't something that he could hide from anymore nor did he want to. And maybe if he said it once it would get easier and be less scary the next time. His eyes met Angel's and forced them out.

"I'm in love with her."

~~~~~~~~

Buffy pressed the button on the blender and watched in anticipation as the machine noisily mixed the margaritas. She glanced over her shoulder as laugher erupted in the living room. Apparently something funny had happened in the movie everybody was watching and not really caring Buffy turned back to watching the liquor, ice and mix turn into something tasty. It had been a fun night so far and it had left her feeling relaxed. It was a something that she had forgotten how to do in the last few weeks.

_Maybe it's the booze you're guzzling_, she thought as she turned the machine off and proceeded to pour the seemingly innocent green concoction into glasses. She picked the tray up, backed through the door and into the living room.

"Margaritas up," Buffy called out gaily, as she stepped over Anya's feet to put the beverages on the table in front of the couch. "I expect to be tipped people."

"Hey, Buffy," Cordelia said. "Here your tip…don't expect people to tip you when you're the one who wanted the damn things to begin with."

"Bitch," Buffy retorted jokingly, helping herself to a glass before tucking herself back into a deep chair by the window. She considered herself lucky to be with friends as the alcohol seemed to be cutting off any communication between her brain and mouth.

"Thank you," the brunette said, raising her drink to Buffy with a laugh. "At least I'm woman enough to accept my calling."

"Here, here," Faith echoed, raising her bottle of water as the others chimed into agree. 

Buffy's glance roamed over the women gathered in Cordy's apartment. The ones left behind. Except for Tara and Willow who were cuddled close in the chair that matched the one Buffy was in. In opposite corners of the white leather couch was Cordelia and Anya while Faith sprawled across the floor on her stomach, her feet waving merrily behind her.  

It was the second time since the last visit that they had gathered. The first time had been for dinner at a local restaurant. It had been Buffy and Willow's idea. 

Everyone had agreed, some with enthusiasm and some with apprehension, and they found themselves facing each other around a table. Their conversation had been uncomfortable at first but by dessert they had found their common ground again and were gossiping like they were back in the cafeteria at Sunnydale High. 

There was something about spending time with these women that Buffy found reassuring. They were a part of her past and knew more about her than probably anyone including her parents and Spike. Some even more than Angel and he'd been her hero since she could force herself up on her pudgy legs and toddle after him. Facing the future head on, she was finding more comfort in the ties that bound her to her past. It reminded her where she had come from, took away the self-deception that threatened her decisions, and gave her hope that she could make the changes she needed.

And that only brought her back to what was weighing on her mind.

Spike.

Riley.

Buffy sighed as the two men vied for attention in her mind. She loved Spike with an intensity that threatened to consume her if she let it. She was only a step away from giving him all of her but did he want that much? How long would this relationship last? If she did give him everything and he walked away, would she be able to survive? It was a vicious cycle that he'd already given her the answers for, but she didn't want to believe. 

Her mind then turned to Riley. He was constantly there now. A part of the circle she hung with at college. He was going the same direction she was with school and he lived in town. Solid, gentle and more mature than he'd ever been, she'd allowed a friendship to blossom between them once more. He wanted to see her again and she'd refused knowing she needed to make a decision about Spike first. There was also the biggest question of all to consider. Could she trust Riley not to cheat on her again if she did give him a chance?

Buffy vaguely watched as Cordelia left the room announcing she was off to the bathroom. She dropped her head on the back of the chair as her emotions churned within her. It was an endless loop in her mind that never seemed to end. Thankfully, the sound of the phone ringing broke her from her reverie and Buffy blinked as she focused on her friends again. 

"Hello," Faith said, answering the phone in Cordelia's absence. "No, she's unable to come to the phone right now. May I take a message?"

Buffy sat up as Faith stiffened up and a look of anger crossed her face.

"Yeah, I'll make sure she gets the message," Faith said, clicking the phone off and tossing it on the table.

"What's the matter?" Buffy asked, as the movie was paused and the others turned to the brunette.

"You lying bitch," Faith said, pointing at Cordelia who'd returned to the room. "How could you do this to my brother?"

"What's going on?" Cordelia asked cautiously.

"Mr. Butcher called and said that you had been approved for your apartment in Los Angeles," Faith said.

All eyes turned to Cordelia as she closed her eyes and threw her head back.

"I was planning on talking to Angel when he got back," Cordelia said softly. "I'm not moving until then. I told them that I had to settle some things here first."

"You're leaving?" Buffy asked, feeling a part of her world slip away. "Why?"

"Because," Cordelia said, sitting on the arm of the couch. "I've been offered a job in LA, a good one working with a fashion designer. Someone that I can learn from and hopefully one day can make a name for myself."

"What about Angel?" Faith asked, her arms crossed as she stared at Cordelia. "Where does he fit in your plans? He loves you or doesn't that matter?"

"Yes, it matters. He matters…a lot. I love him but…god, it's hard because I do love him but we're not going anywhere. We never talk about the future or getting married or having a life together. He's in town for three days a month, we hang out, and I listen to his dreams about being a captain of his own ship and nothing…nothing about us. Is this all there is?" Cordelia exclaimed, throwing her arms wide. "Am I supposed to forget about everything that matters to me just to wait for three damn days against an entire three or four weeks of loneliness?"

"He deserves to be talked to and given a chance to change things before you just decide to leave," Faith said. "Or does he matter that little to you?"

"Give her a break," Anya said. "You just started this waiting game. See how you feel after months of doing it."

"This isn't about me and Wesley," Faith declared. "Whatever we have just started but Cordy's been with Angel…"

"Stop it, please," Cordelia cried, tears streaming down her face. "It's killing me to do this but what do I have to hold onto…nothing, that's what." She rushed from the room to seek refuge on her balcony leaving a stunned and confused group behind her. 

"I just can't believe her," Faith said, looking around her as if she could find the answers she was looking for. 

Buffy wrapped her arms around her, hoping to give Faith the comfort she needed. If one of them unraveled then it seemed they were all unraveling and Faith had just opened her heart. 

"It's different with you," Buffy whispered. "Wesley went to sea because he couldn't have you. He'll come back and stay when he finds out."

No one knew yet but Buffy. She'd figured it out when they had met for dinner. Faith was always ready for the party but that night she'd stuck to water and herbal tea. The brunette had taken more chances than she'd bargained for and won in more ways than one. Faith was pregnant. The knowledge was leaving her terrified and overjoyed at the same time. 

Faith nodded against her shoulder. "Thanks, Buffy."

The secret had brought them a bonding that they hadn't had since they were girls. It seemed everyone but Anya had a secret they had been trying to keep until their man came home. Buffy's was killing her and she knew there was someone who'd understand. She released Faith and went to follow Cordelia.

Buffy stepped out onto the balcony, closing the door behind her before making her way to stand beside Cordy. The night air was warm, tangy with the scent of the ocean as she made her presence known. It was as if the force that took their men away wanted to remind them that she had prior claim to the ones they loved. A breeze gently swept around them leaving them to shiver in the knowledge that they'd lost.

"So, are you going to tell me what a bitch I am?" Cordelia asked.

"No, I'm not because I understand more than you know."

"Oh, Buffy," Cordelia said. "Are you…?"

It was time to admit what her heart knew. The price in the end was higher than what she thought when she first vowed to make Spike hers. The days they were together were rocky and emotional. Filled with laughter, love, confusion and pain then he'd go away leaving her to cry herself to sleep. By the time she'd gain some peace he was back and she'd lose herself in him again. It was a cycle that was taking too much of a toll on her. There wasn't anything to hold onto but a hope that didn't seem like it would ever manifest.

"Yeah, I'm going to break up with him."

_to be continued…_


	23. Overload

**Chapter 23 – Overload**

Buffy looked up when the door of The Edge opened and a new group came in. It wasn't them and she glanced up at the clock over the bar. It was almost midnight and there was still no sign of anyone from the _Darla. She knew it had docked almost seven hours ago and she was getting worried._

Sighing, Buffy looked back down at the notes for school she was trying to organize. It wouldn't do any good to fret until she'd heard news one way or another. Every once in a while the crews would have problems that had to be taken care of before they could be released. It was just that tonight her stomach was tied in knots about seeing Spike again. Her decision had been made and she was going to stick to it. 

_Hopefully…what if I see him again and I can't do it?_

Doubts kept creeping into her mind. She loved him but there wasn't anything there except a future of loneliness without being loved in return. She chewed on the end of her pen as she tried to force herself to concentrate on her history textbook. 

The door opened again and this time it was them. She stared in shock for a moment at the weary looks on their face. They all looked like they'd been to hell and back. None of them even smiled as they painstakingly made their way to their table. It was only the light from Spike's eyes as he looked at her that gave any indication they were glad to be home. 

Buffy hurried behind the bar to help Arnie get their drinks. She kept glancing over at the table as they sat unspeaking. Angel buried his face in his hands while Wesley closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. She gasped as she saw the cast that covered Xander's arm wondering what had happened. Finally she looked at Spike. He stared at her hungrily like she was the only thing he needed. It made her feel guilty at what she was going to do to him.

_He had his chance_, Buffy thought, but her argument fell short even to her own mind. She hoisted the tray onto her shoulder and hurried to their table. Starting with Angel she passed out their drinks and either a hug or a touch to offer comfort. Spike was last and when she put his drink on the table, she found herself pulled onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck.

"It feels so good to hold you again," Spike whispered before kissing the curve of her shoulder.

Her heart broke at the depth of emotion in his voice. 

She hugged him, letting her fingers weave through his hair, and he nuzzled closer to her.

"Bad night, guys?" Buffy asked in general but her gaze was locked to Angel's.

"Yeah," Xander answered, waving the arm with the cast. "Silly me thought I could stop five hundred pounds worth of crates with my one hand. Snapped my damn arm in two."

"And it only got worse from there," Angel said. "Fucking crates were full of some fancy god awful smelling cooking oil. It spilled all over the place and it took forever to clean it up because the damn drain decided to plug up."

"The whole trip was jinxed," Wesley said. "Xander broke our no accident record for the last six months. A refrigeration hold kept heating up and we almost lost that cargo."

"I'm sorry," Buffy said. 

Nothing this bad had happened to them in all the time her three childhood companions had been sailing together. Spike was still considered a newbie since there hadn't been anyone hired after him.  Everything had been running smooth for awhile and maybe it was just time for a little shaking up. She looked around at their drinks that seemed to have disappeared. "Do you all want a second round?"

"Nah, not for me," Xander said. "Anya is picking me up in a few to take me to the hospital for x-rays. Make sure the ship doc got me fixed up right."

Wesley looked up at Buffy. "Have you spoken to Faith lately? I got an email from her but it wasn't…"

"Wasn't what?" Faith said startling them all as she suddenly appeared behind Wesley. 

They'd been so intent on their talk that they hadn't noticed the brunette entering the bar. Wesley jumped to his feet. His nervousness was evident as he faced his dream.

"It's just I wasn't sure if I was going to see you or not," Wesley said. "And apparently I am because here you are."

"Yeah, I'm here." Faith answered. She looked around at everyone and tossed her hair. "So, you want to go somewhere?"

Buffy smiled as she watched her friends bluff their way through their fear. They were so much in love but afraid of either their emotions or letting the other one know. She wasn't overly worried though because by morning she figured they would have everything out in the open and she hoped for the very best for them.

If only it was that easy for her and Spike. She glanced down at him but he was staring at the glass in front of him. His hand had dropped from her waist to cover her thigh and his thumb was softly brushing against her flesh. Leaning down, she dropped a kiss on his temple. He smiled up at her and she let herself wonder for a moment how this could be wrong when it felt so natural to be in his arms. 

_Stop thinking…_

"Anya's here," Xander said and stood up. "I will catch up with you all later."

They said their good-byes and waved to Anya, then it was down to the three of them. 

"So, Buffy," Angel said, fiddling with his glass. "Do you think I should go straight home or head for Cordelia's?"

Buffy wondered how he knew something was wrong but chalked it up to something Cordelia had said or didn't say in their emails or phone calls to each other. His day had been bad enough and she figured that tomorrow was soon enough for her friend to have his heart broken. 

"It's late, Angel," Buffy said gently. "Maybe its better that you go home and get some sleep."

Angel stood, leaned over to kiss her cheek and shake Spike's hand. "Have a good night, you two." Then he was gone. 

It was time. It was just the two of them. Buffy took a deep breath but Spike spoke first.

"What time do you get off?" He asked even as his fingers slipped under the hem of her shorts to caress her bottom sending chills through her body. 

_Is that all you want? To get off? Am I expected to give you what you want now?_

"Umm, actually I was off at ten," Buffy responded, slipping out of his arms and standing. "I've got class in the morning and was going to spend some time with you then go home to sleep."

"Oh," Spike said, his face shrouded in confusion. "May I walk you home at least?"

_"Isn't that sweet?" Her heart said. "And you're going to be mean and break up with him. He's had a really bad run and he needs us to feel better. Just look how adorably boyish he looks. Like someone just told him Santa doesn't exist."_

_"Yeah, and he's going to break you clean in two," her mind countered._

_"I agree he's adorable," her body offered with every nerve screaming for her to be closer to him. "And he's even better when he's naked. I mean really. How you even think of bedding that oaf Riley when you've a got a real MAN hot for you. Just think if he could do that with his fingers, whoa, imagine what he could do with his …"_

_"He just wants to use you."_

_"Oh, quit being a spoil sport and let him use away," her body purred._

_"Great, a mutiny," her mind stated. "We all agreed…"_

"We'll go with you," her mouth said, taking advantage of her inner struggle and seizing control.

"We?" Spike asked. His eyes darted about as if he was looking for other Buffy's that were ready to go with him.

"I mean me, of course," Buffy stammered. "I'll go with you. Just me here after all. Ready and willing…anyway I mean, ready to…go with you to the motel that is." She shrugged as she tried to gain her equilibrium. "It's what we planned on, right? And I can just go from there to class. It doesn't make any difference whether I go from home or from the motel as long as I get there."

Spike laid two fingers against her lips.

"Shush, you're babbling." He smiled down at her. "I want you with me but I understand about school so whatever is best for you."

Buffy relaxed. He was going to let her decide like he always did. No pressure.

"Let's go get my stuff."

~~~~~~~~

Wesley could only hope that his face was remaining passive as myriad emotions ran through him. Surprise, shock, confusion, wonder, love and finally hope. They were all there vying for his attention and none of them giving him a clue on how to deal with the news he'd just been given.

_Faith is having a baby…my baby_.

"Are you sure?" He blurted the question because he wasn't really sure what he should be saying and for some reason it seemed like a logical place to start. It was at least until he saw the look on Faith's face.

_Defensive_.

"I saw the doctor a few days ago. It's about as positive as it can be."

Wesley nodded and tried again. "I mean…"

"Look you were there, we fucked, and a couple of times we didn't use anything which equals up to the fact I'm knocked up."

"Weren't very cautious were we?"

"You didn't stop to find the condoms did you?"

Wesley sighed. He didn't mean to imply that it was all her fault. He'd just assumed that she was on the pill or something and hadn't wanted to lose his chance to be with her.

"No, I didn't," Wesley said, smiling at her even though his mind was still seeking purchase in the quagmire he found himself in. "I should have asked…or stopped or something." He rubbed his brow and when he looked up he saw that she now looked… 

_Resentful.___

"Yeah, well, it wasn't the smartest move I ever made either."

"I didn't mean that I regretted it or that I'm blaming you. I'm just in shock. It's not every day that a man is told he's going to be a father. I didn't even think it was a possibility since you said it was the end of your cycle and wasn't very likely."

_Is it my baby?_

"Look, you know what," Faith said, shrugging as if she didn't care at all. "I haven't even decided to have it or not. Thought you might like some input but I can tell you don't want it."

In detachment he watched as Faith stood up. His mind was flooded with memories of that first night they spent together.

_They'd just dropped Buffy off at the motel and he was driving Faith home. She was so close to him, filling him with her scent, and he couldn't take it anymore. He had to try._

_"Are you ever going to give me a chance?"_

_And it may as well be the direct approach._

_Faith never even turned to look at him but continued to stare out the window. "God, Wesley, how many times do we have to go through this? It just wouldn't work."_

_It was the cavalier attitude and the automatic response to his heartfelt question that finally pushed him to doing something drastic._

_"That's not true, Faith. You're just too frightened to give us a chance."_

_"I'm not scared of it," Faith exclaimed, sounding like a defiant child as her head whipped around to look at him. _

_There in her eyes he found the answer he'd been waiting for forever. She would never willingly give her heart away. It was too risky. But it could be tricked out of her. He parked the car on the street only a few houses down from hers. He'd never forget her eyes growing wider as he scooted closer to her._

_"If I don't mean anything and you're not scared of it then prove it to me."_

_"You just want to get laid."_

_He twirled a lock of her hair around his finger as he whispered against her lips. "Only by you…but you're acting like a frightened virgin huddling against the door like…"_

_Faith had closed the gap between them; kissing him with all the passion he knew she possessed while crawling on top of him. Everything exploded and there'd been no tender seduction. Faith unzipped him, pulled her skirt up and her thong out of the way and sank down on him all in one fluid movement. There in front of her neighbor's house she'd given him the ride of his life._

_Afterwards, he'd refused to take her to her house and instead had taken her to his apartment where they'd had sex against his front door. The third time they managed to get to his bed first where afterwards they'd fallen asleep still wrapped around each other._

_It was later, when the brilliant light of the afternoon sun spilled across the bed that he made love to her at last. She had trembled under the gentleness of his touch and had yielded control to him by letting him be on top._

Everything slammed into place.

Wesley raced to stop her from leaving. He put his hand on the door before she could open it and effectively pinned her between him and it.

"You're keeping the baby," he stated without any softening of his words.

"Just because you said so?"

_Hope._

And that only gave him hope of his own.

"Yeah, because I said so," Wesley said. "I think you really want to anyway."

"Maybe," Faith said, staring unblinking into his eyes. She was trying to bluff her way out of what was so evident. "If you're worried that it's not yours…"

"It's not necessary," Wesley stated, laying his free hand on her lower stomach. "The child is mine." It didn't matter to him. If Faith trusted him enough to be the father of her baby then he could love them enough to accept her word. "There's going to be some conditions though."

_Adoration yielded to suspicion._

"Like what?"

"Everyone will be told immediately of our new status. You are going to settle down; no more running around." He kissed her pouting lips lightly. "And you're going to wear my ring. Engagement or marriage it's up to you but you will show everyone who you belong to.'

"Isn't that just archaic? I'm not allowed to do anything and be chained to your side. What about you? Are you just going to go about your life while I stay here alone?"

_Frightened._

"No, Faith, you won't be alone. I'll resign my position with the ship and find something here on shore. Maybe I'll finally use that Master's degree I've got for something worthwhile. I'll probably have to make one more run then I'll be by your side for good."

_Relief. _

Right before he kissed her Wesley saw what he'd been waiting years to see.

_Love._

~~~~~~~~

Spike fidgeted. He was standing in Buffy's living room, waiting for her to get her bag packed. Something was wrong. He'd noticed it almost as soon as they had walked into the bar. All the other times when he'd returned she'd greeted him with open arms and dancing eyes. Tonight it was like she was forcing herself to be with him. He'd had so many expectations and plans for this visit and it looked like they were going to get blown all to hell. He'd been so sure of her, so sure of what he wanted to tell her but now he wondered if he'd been wrong.

"Buffy," Giles' voice floated down the hall. "You said you weren't going to go with him."

"Shh, he'll hear you," Buffy said.

"I don't care if he does," Giles said, his voice getting louder. "Is he forcing you in some way? You don't have to if you don't want to. I'll tell him to get lost."

"Daddy, stop, please," Buffy pleaded. "Let me handle things."

_Handle things? What things?_

Their voices had dropped again and Spike leaned toward the hallway hoping to hear more.

"I'm going to go with him," Buffy whispered. "I'll call you after class and let you know how things went."

Spike listened to the sound of her footsteps as she made her way from her parent's bedroom to her own then back down the hall toward him. She looked lost as she approached him and he wanted to make things right for her. He just wasn't sure if she'd want him to anymore so he didn't. Instead he reached for her duffel bag and threw it over his shoulder with his. He picked up her backpack but froze when he realized she was just staring at him.

"Pet, you don't have to go with me if you don't want to," Spike said, pushing a lock of her hair behind her ear. She shuffled on her feet but kept eye contact with him.

"We already had this conversation."

"I know but…"

He was silenced by the pressure of her lips on his. It was the first kiss they'd shared since his return. He knew it was meant to reassure him that all was right between them but it missed its mark because even it seemed forced to him.

~~~~~~~~

"Were we in love?" Angel asked, feeling bewildered by the disruption of his normally ordered life.

A point had been reached in his life when at last he felt that he could relax. Everything and everyone seemed to have a place or purpose even Faith and Buffy. It wasn't that he felt the people around him, and especially Cordy, were just pegs to be put in their proper slot. It was just that everyone turned to him to guide them and protect them. For the first time he thought that he could just be Angel and do what made him happy. Sail on the ocean and love Cordelia.

She was so much to him. Before and after Buffy, Cordelia had been there, flirting, friendly, wiling to be his date when needed and his friend when he didn't deserve one. Just as he'd been there for her. Their time spent becoming aware of each other had just kept growing until one day they realized they were seeing each other exclusively. He couldn't wait to come home so he could see her and she was always there. No real commitments but it seemed like it was assumed. They were both so busy with their careers that love and marriage was a far off dream.

It seemed that somewhere he'd missed what was right there in front of him. And now she wasn't his anymore. Who was going to love him, cajole him into action, keep him believing and fill his bed with passion?

"Yes, silly," Cordelia said. She smiled in an attempt to soften the blows she was dealing. "And we still are. Angel, I'm always going to love you but I...just can't live the life that you want to lead."

"What if I take a job with a company that sails from Los Angeles?"

A part of him wanted her to say 'yes, follow me' and a part of him knew that it was already doomed.  He had already made it to Third Mate on the _Darla and was being groomed by his Captain for the climb to higher ranks. His family and friends were here in Sunnydale. _

He sighed. His choice was between his whole life or to follow Cordelia.

"It's okay," Cordelia said. "I'm going to make it easy for you. Don't follow me. I already made the decision you're contemplating and it's a bitch of one to make."

"Yeah, it is," Angel said, holding her hands. "I love you."

"I know you do but sometimes it's just not enough." She sighed. "Or maybe our love isn't as strong as we thought it was."

She was right. He could have loved her more, given her more but he hadn't. He'd been too focused on his career and on everyone else. He'd assumed that Cordelia would be waiting for him when he was ready. She wouldn't though. She'd found something else to give her what she needed and he was glad that she was doing what was best for her.

"I want you to be happy."

Relief flooded her face and Cordelia threw herself into his arms. It took him a second to realize that his strong girl was sobbing as if her heart was breaking. But it was just as his was. 

"Thank you, Angel," Cordelia said. "I think I'm going to kick myself for giving up a great guy like you."

"Just remember if you're not happy then come home. Promise me you will?"

"I will."

Angel already knew she wouldn't. She had too much talent to not to go all the way to the top. One day he'd see her designs and say he knew her when. It was him that was going to be kicking himself for letting her get away. And he could only hope that she'd remember him.

~~~~~~~~

"Spike?"

He turned toward Buffy's voice. She was standing in the doorway from the room to the balcony, holding onto the doorframe as if it would keep him at bay. It wouldn't. It was the wall she was building that would separate them.

"Yeah, Luv," Spike said, smiling wanly.

"I'm going to go ahead and go to bed if you don't mind."

He nodded his head, unable to come up with the words to express what he was feeling. She slipped back inside and he stared out over the waves rolling endlessly toward land. He wished he could figure out what was wrong with her. She didn't even seem to be the girl he'd left behind the last time. He sighed as he acknowledged his disappointment over the reception he'd received. He'd hoped that Buffy would have gone ahead and rented them a room. Maybe picked up some food, made it more like…

_Home._

It would have been like coming home.

_Not bloody likely…Not now._

The walk from her parent's home, to the motel, to the check in to the actual settling in had all been filled with awkward silences and accidental touches. It was if they were strangers, worse than strangers because even when they'd first met it hadn't been so uncomfortable between them. He'd done everything he could to stay out of her way after her stammered request for privacy to be able to organize her notes for class. 

Spike wondered why she said she wanted to be there when everything she was doing was to the contrary. He'd given up trying to figure out why and had retreated to the patio to give her the space she seemed to want. Sounds had drifted to his hungry heart and he strained to catch every movement, breath and mumbled word that she made. They were a balm to his soul because as long as she was there then he still had a chance to hold onto her. He wished for something to drive away the pain but yet knew that no substitute could ease it for long. 

His heart was breaking.

Somehow in the way that only William in his shyness, social ineptness, and naiveté could, had blown it yet again.

Spike had searched for an alternate answer for her to have come with him but had rejected them because if true they were too painful to bear. He took a last deep drag of his cigarette and let himself feel the guilty pleasure of it filling his lungs. Did it matter at this point? He put it out and made his way into the room. He'd waited long enough to be sure that she had already gone to bed. In the dim light from the patio he could see her curled on the very edge of the bed. Her breathing was too erratic, her body too stiff, for her to be asleep. She clearly wanted no part of him and he wanted to run back to the security of the one lover who'd never hurt him.

In the bathroom he found a package on the counter. It was a present for him from Buffy. The gesture confused him until he opened it and found inside a pair of sleep pants. Another way to keep him at bay and anger rushed through him. He had a notion to take her back home but knew he wouldn't. A glutton for punishment he'd take whatever she threw his way as long as she was there. 

She didn't move when he crawled in next to her and he lay on his back staring at the ceiling hoping she'd come to him. Giving up, he knew he had to try and turned to her. He put his hand on the curve of her hip and waited again. Buffy only stiffened more but didn't move or say anything. 

"I only want to hold you," Spike said, hating the pitiful whining pitch of his voice.

"I'm sorry," Buffy whispered. "We need to talk Spike."

"Now?"

She turned on her back letting his hand slide around to rest on her belly. He caressed her with long strokes of his fingers but didn't dare advance beyond the small space of her body she'd allowed him. Her eyes were huge in her face as she stared up at him. They seemed to be in a quandary that he couldn't help with. It was one that she needed to find answers for on her own.

"No, not now," Buffy said, pulling his head down for a kiss. 

Her tongue didn't wait for an invitation as it pushed into his waiting mouth. Her body melted into his and he pulled her closer. Briefly he wondered if she'd found that it wasn't love she wanted but only someone to teach her about desire or should he say fucking. It was the one thing that always seemed to be right with them as it was now. Four weeks of being away and their bodies didn't care about emotions or roles as they fought to be closer together. 

Spike moved his hand underneath her pajama top, along her rib cage to close over one perfect mound. He rolled her nipple into a hard peak leaving her moaning and rubbing herself along his hip. This wasn't what he wanted though and he pulled back.

"Buffy," he whispered, finding the words he needed. "I…"

His declaration was interrupted by the pounding of someone at their motel door.

"Bloody hell," Spike declared, looking toward the entry way that was shaking from the force of the blows being rained on it.

"Open up," Angel called. "Come on…Please."

"What does he want?" Spike asked and watched in amazement as a tear ran down Buffy's cheek.

"Cordelia broke up with him."

And that was when he began to suspect what was wrong with her. 

~~~~~~~~

It was hard to see someone so strong break down. Angel's hand covered his face but the shaking of his shoulders told of his tears. The grief mirrored the one Spike feared he would be feeling soon and knowing what he would need, he gave his friend the respect of remaining silent. No words would make it better, no gestures would change things, and there was nothing else to do but wait for the worst of it to pass.

A cigarette dangled forgotten from his fingers, the ashes giving up and falling on their own. Spike stared blankly once again out toward what was once the love of his life. Waves now crashed, angry and noisily, upon the shore as if she was trying to remind them that she would not be replaced by any other lover.

The temptations of land had blinded them to their vows to remain faithful and already they were paying the price for their deceit. Her tempestuous fit of jealousy had made their return passage to California almost intolerable in the constant problems they'd dealt with. Now, here, where their hearts had been torn their beloved sea was winning in her quest to return them to where they belonged.

Cordelia had already surrendered, raising a white flag, and relinquishing any claim to Angel. Spike knew she had done the right thing because Angel's heart would always belong first to an ideal, a myth that no ordinary woman could compete with. And like his crew boss, Spike knew from many nights that as possessive as the sea could be she still could never chase the loneliness away like a living breathing woman could. It was a constant struggle to choose between the two.

From the corner of his eye, Spike could see Angel reaching for the bottle of whiskey that he'd already consumed half of before ever reaching their door. A few sniffles and the sound of swallowing then the bottle was passed to him. Knowing the ritual was needed; Spike drank some before passing it back.

"What can we offer them, Spike? Nothing because the one thing they need we can't give them. Our time."

"You loved her, mate."

"They're only words," Angel said, lighting a cigarette he'd taken from Spike's pack. "It's nothing she can put her hands on. Nothing she can hold at night. And I never once offered her anything except my love and that wasn't enough to hold her."

His words were almost an echo of what Harmony had told him. _"He was never there and most of the time I was waking up to an empty house and sleeping alone."_

The rest of the puzzle of Buffy's unease fit into place. She'd given him so much and he hadn't even given her his heart. To her, if love couldn't keep Angel and Cordelia together then how could she possibly hope that they would stay together. 

If she needed to hold onto something then he'd find a way to give her that. His mind began to formulate plans even as he listened to Angel. He wouldn't give Buffy up without a fight and knew he would find a way to keep her. Later, when Angel had passed out on the second bed, he crawled back into bed with the tiny woman who held his heart. In her sleep she had no qualms about where she belonged as she turned to him, snuggling close as his arms closed around her. He kissed her on top of her head and vowed, "I promise that when you wake up I'm going to give you everything you need."

_to be continued…_


	24. Heart for Rent

**Chapter 24 – Heart for Rent**

Spike whistled as he made his way through the halls of UC Sunnydale, never noticing the stares of appreciation as he cut through the students. His natural good looks were only heightened by the elation of his mood. A grin lit up his face while his duster billowed behind him in a black cloud, and a red rose plucked from the dozen he'd bought for Buffy was clutched in his hand.  

The morning had been extremely productive and soul satisfying. Buffy had seemed to be more at ease with him even after waking to find herself on top of him. She'd been restless in her sleep and only after he'd pulled her over him had she exhaled a whisper soft sigh before drifting into a deep slumber. Her eyes had opened to find him staring at her and she'd only grinned down at him. It would have been a perfect moment for them to share but Angel sleeping in the next bed prevented any chance of that. 

The three had gone out for breakfast and after dropping Buffy off at school the two men had picked up his test results. They were completely negative which meant he and Buffy could make love without any misgivings. But that was only the beginning of his reasons to be so happy.

He had planned out an entire evening for them with a candlelit dinner prepared by him, champagne, the red roses followed by a declaration of love and a request for forever. He still wasn't sure if they were ready to be engaged but he could definitely give her a promise of heading that way. And he was open if the discussion came up to offer her a wedding. But before any of that was a surprise that would surely let her know his intentions were in earnest.

Spike turned the corner into the student union and quickly scanned the busy room for Buffy. It was earlier than the agreed upon time to pick her up but he couldn't wait to share his surprises with her. He heard her laughter and turned to find her at a table filled with friends. Some he knew but there were a couple of men that he didn't know and one of them was leaning over to whisper in Buffy's ear. Whatever he said was causing her laughter. Spike realized with regret that she looked happier and more carefree here than she had with him the night before. He looked around the union at the people gathered there and was suddenly self-conscious. 

This was a world he'd left behind a long time ago and even when he had attended university he hadn't really fit in. Spike glanced down at his boots, standard black jeans and t-shirt with the duster to complete it. He still looked as he did when he accompanied Dru's singing by playing guitar in the band. His hand ran through his bleached locks and he wondered what the hell a girl like Buffy saw in him. He closed his eyes as he tried to find the mood he'd had mere moments ago. It wasn't there and he decided to wait to talk to Buffy. 

Opening his eyes he found himself looking directly into unblinking green eyes showing their surprise at seeing him. And it would appear after a glance that everyone else at her table had seen him too. It was a temptation to still leave but he told himself that he wouldn't embarrass her again if he could help it. Summoning courage, he took a deep breath and made his way toward her. Buffy stood as he approached, her eyes drifting to the rose he still carried, then back up to look at him questioningly. 

"Hello," Spike said, stopping just in front of her so that she had to tilt her head to be able to meet his eyes. He looked over her head at Willow and Tara and smiled a hello at them. They smiled back at him before turning their gazes to each other.  
  
"Hi," Buffy said. She turned slightly to introduce him to the men he didn't know. "This is Forrest and this…this is Riley."

Spike nodded slightly at the man introduced as Forrest before turning ever so slowly to look at Riley. The man who'd been whispering in Buffy's ear making her laugh, the man she once loved and wanted forever with. The man who was supposed to be gone from her life. Their eyes met and Spike drew himself up to his full height hating the six inches Buffy's ex had on him. It took him a second, only a second to see the truth about the other man. He wasn't a man that was; he was a boy still trying to be something he wasn't. There was a cocky arrogance to him that made Spike want to laugh. There wasn't any contest between them as far as he was concerned.

"Nice to meet you, Ril," Spike said, refusing to shake his hand. "Just want to say how glad I am that you fucked up so I could have the chance to be with Buffy."

"Might say the same for you," Riley said, grinning as he glanced at Buffy.

It couldn't be. She wouldn't have. 

Spike looked over at Buffy who was flushing but still determinedly meeting his eyes. She gave a slight smile before saying a little too brightly, "You're early."

"Yeah, I've got a surprise for you and couldn't wait."

"Oh, really?" Her eyes brightened almost matching her smile but then her look fell. "I have to finish up these assignments for a project before I can leave," Buffy said, fumbling with the papers in front of her. "Can I just meet you back at the room?" She looked up at him. This time he wasn't so frightened but it still wasn't the open loving look he needed to know it was okay.

"I already checked us out of the motel," Spike said, trying to appear casual, like his heart wasn't screaming for reassurance. "If," he waved his hand at the table, "you need to finish up then I'll catch up with you later at your parents."

He leaned down and kissed her cheek, passed the rose into her hand and whispered a nonchalant, "I'll see ya later, Luv."  He waved at the others before turning on his heel.  He moved across the room with the same swagger that he'd entered it with. There was no way that he was going to let Riley know that he was threatened by him even if his insides were trembling with fear. He'd just turned into the hallway when he heard hurried footsteps behind him.

"Spike, wait," Buffy called.

He slowed down and turned to look back at her hurrying toward him. She looked confused and uncertain. It was even in the trembling of her hand that she laid on his arm to make him stop completely. All he wanted to do was sweep her into his arms and whisper anything and everything that would make her stay forever with him. 

"What's the matter?" Spike asked, covering her hand with his and hating it when she withdrew her own.

"Why did you check us out of the motel?" Buffy asked, stepping closer. The withdrawn hand now rested on his waist. "Is there something wrong?"

"No, pet," Spike said, brushing her hair behind her ear. "It's just…part of something that I have planned for us." It was the relief that made her eyes flutter and the regret that twisted her lips that prompted his next question. "Would it make it easier on you if there was something wrong?"

Her eyes flew open and she stepped back. "No…no of course not. Why would you ask that?"

"Because since last night you've been acting funny," Spike said. "If you want out at least have the guts to do it instead of stringing me along."

"Spike…please," Buffy said, glancing over her shoulder at Riley who seemed to be bearing down on them with all the finesse of a tank. Right behind him was his friend Forrest and Willow and Tara.  "It's not…I mean it's…"

"It's Riley," Spike said finishing her sentence, speaking low so that no one else could hear. "Is that what you want? A bastard who'll only cheat and lie to you."

"Why don't you just back off," Riley said stopping behind Buffy. His face was full of concern and his hand rested proprietarily on her shoulder. "Buffy, you want me to have him thrown off campus."

"Why don't you just piss off, boy? This has nothing to do with you," Spike snarled, wanting only the time to talk to Buffy and find out what was going on.

"It is my business," Riley said, as he glanced down at the blonde that was between them. "Isn't it Buffy?"

If only someone would encourage him, Spike would punch his smiling good looking face without a second thought. He didn't though. Buffy didn't deserve to be the witness to another jealous fit.

His mood elevated when Buffy shook Riley's hand off her shoulder. His heart soared when she put her hand in his.

"Spike, please, can we get out of here?" Buffy asked. "Someplace private."

Everyone else disappeared because Buffy wanted to leave with him. Clutching at the small hope Spike squeezed her hand.

"Sure, baby, I know just the place."

"I have to get my stuff," Buffy said, turning back to the student union but Willow was there holding her backpack and purse. "Thanks Will," she said taking her belongings and without even looking at Riley, Buffy returned to Spike. "Let's go."

Spike slipped his arm around her shoulder and steered them to the exit. Willow gave him a wink when he gave her a thumbs-up. Buffy was leaving with him and he had her friend's support so there was a reason to still be in a good mood. It would be if he wasn't hurting so much and he still didn't want to pound somebody's face in. Somehow he remained outwardly calm as he helped her into Angel's car that he'd borrowed for the afternoon. He swore as he made his way around the front that he wasn't letting Buffy out of his sight until everything was settled.

~~~~~~~~

Buffy glanced over at Spike. He was so angry with her and she didn't blame him. Of course, Riley had to be a complete jerk and make the situation worse than it was. She hadn't promised her ex anything other than friendship but he just had to imply that they were more. A part of her had hoped that Spike would deck him but did that mean she didn't really like Riley? She sighed in confusion and rubbed at her forehead hoping it would ease the unrest.

All she wanted was to curl up in a ball somewhere and cry until everything went away. But it wouldn't. She had to be a grown up and act like a grown up and make grown up decisions. She huddled closer to the door and ignored the looks Spike kept throwing her way. The ones filled with hurt, anger and confusion. The ones that wanted her to make it all better. How could she make him feel better about things when she couldn't make herself feel better?

"We're here," Spike said, pulling the car to a stop in front of a small seaside cottage.

Buffy looked up from her hands to find that she was in front of the old Peterson's cottage. It was one of the cottages that used to be the best places to live in town. There was about twenty of them stretched along the coast south of town. They'd all been built back in the fifties in one of the brief boom periods Sunnydale had experienced. But like all the others it had disappeared leaving the small town to return to its former isolation. The cottages had still been the best housing until another boom had brought new and more modern places to the north of town. The few affluent citizens had moved there and the cottages had become affordable to the working class. A few were lived in by young families, some were falling apart because no one cared to maintain them and, some like this one, were kept up to be rented out by the owners.

This one was one of the smaller ones being only one level while the other ones were at least two stories. She'd known the couple who once resided here but had never been inside. Spike opened the door for her and she accepted his hand as she stepped out of the car.

"What are we doing here?" Buffy asked but she already knew.

"I rented it," Spike said, scooping her up and ignoring her yelp of surprise. "You were supposed to be happy when I did this but things didn't quite work out. Still it's no reason to spit in the face of tradition."

"The tradition is to carry the bride over the threshold," Buffy corrected, taking the key from him when he couldn't get it in the lock. "I'm not a bride."

"Nope your not," Spike said, striding through the front hall to the living room in the back. He dumped her on her feet and turned around. "Might never be if you keep playing games."

_What the hell is that supposed to mean? He's the one who said he'd never get married. _

Spike strode back down the hall and Buffy took the opportunity to look around. The living room was long with a huge fireplace between two sets of glass doors leading out onto a balcony. She peeked out the window to see that the patio ran the entire length of the house. It would be a beautiful place to sit and watch the ocean that was just beyond a stretch of beach. She sighed and stepped back into the hall just as Spike slammed the front door shut behind him. He dumped their bags, her backpack and purse in a heap beside him. 

"Don't know if your staying or not," Spike said, shrugging. "No reason to be bringing them all the way in if they just have to be hauled out later." 

_Okay, now he's pissing me off._

Buffy crossed her arms and met his gaze as she tilted her chin. "What's going on? Why did you rent this place?"

"Thought that would be obvious, lamb," Spike said, brushing past her as he strode back into the living room. "Rented it for us. So, we'd have a place of our own. Figured you could stay here while I'm gone."

"Oh, so now I'm your mistress," Buffy said, following him. "I stay in the place that you furnish waiting for you to visit for sex or whatever."

"My mistress? You think that I want you to be my mistress?"

"Well, you're the one who said he'd never love me or marry me," Buffy hating the rising pitch of her voice. "So, gee where does that leave me?"

"What the hell do you want from me?" Spike asked, flinging his arms wide. "I'm doing the best I can and it's not good enough."

"I want your heart," Buffy whispered. 

"Tell me, Buffy," Spike said, grabbing her upper arms and pulling her closer to him. His breath was hot and furious on her face. "Why should I give it to you now? How do I know you haven't been slipping between the sheets with Riley? Or if you haven't yet that you won't the next time I'm gone."

"Let go of me," Buffy yelled, yanking back to free herself. But Spike had already let go of her and she stumbled back. It took her only a second to regain her footing and only another second to slap him. "I'm not Drusilla. So, don't be treating me like that. I haven't cheated on you and I never would."

"Then what's going on between you and Riley?" Spike snarled, stepping closer but he didn't touch her. "Why all the whispering and giggling and…and him getting all territorial if you're not snogging him again?"

"We're friends, Spike," Buffy said, sighing. She rubbed her temples. "Just friends. He's asked me out but I told him no."

"But you're considering it?" 

He sounded so hurt that she lost whatever anger she had. It had to be hard on him to be so far away and not know what was going on. Forcing herself, she looked up into his eyes and blurted the truth. "I love you but you're always gone and I'm alone and…and he's here."

There she said it. The truth of her agony was looming in its shame between them. Buffy found she couldn't even look at Spike and she turned away. Sobs shook her shoulders as she made her way to the couch. Everything hurt inside and now maybe she'd never know if they could have had a chance. She found that by saying it that nothing had been made easier. It was only harder because she realized she could lose Spike.

"Pet, look at me," Spike said, pulling her hands away from her face. He knelt between her knees, cupping her face and wiping away her tears. "I did this to try and give you everything you need to feel secure. But no matter what I do, how much I give you, or the words I say, it's not going to make a difference. It's what your heart believes and wants, not promises you've heard before. Promises that you know can be broken so easily."

"Spike, I'm so confused," Buffy said, closing her eyes. "Why can't this be easier?"

"Because it never is," Spike whispered against her lips. He kissed her softly and released her. "And I'm not going to make it easier for you. Call me a bastard but I'm not going to say I understand and to take your time to figure things out. It's now or never…him or me." He grabbed his cigarettes and walked over to the door. "I'm going to take a walk. If you're going to leave me do it while I'm gone."

Spike didn't wait for her to say anything. He turned and walked away leaving Buffy with the hardest decision of her life. She moved to the window so she could watch him as he made his way down to the beach. He'd keep his word. She knew that much. If she left now he'd never give her another chance.  It was one thing she knew without a doubt, Spike didn't lie to her and he never went back on his word.

_"One point for his side"_, she thought and hated herself for even thinking it. It wasn't about points, or even who was a better man according to the world. It was like Spike had told her; the choice was about what her heart wanted. Life was short and you didn't get second chances so what if this was the only shot she had at really loving someone. 

Buffy turned away from the window needing movement. Without thinking she moved down the hallway to the front of the house again. The kitchen was on the left and the dining room was on the right. Making a decision she moved into the large open kitchen. There was an island in the middle with the pots and pans hanging overhead. The refrigerator was a commercial one with glass doors that revealed a bottle of champagne. She turned to the stainless steel stove and oven that shone with obvious attention. 

_Spike has got to love this kitchen. He could really cook in here._

It was one of those things that he didn't get to indulge in the lifestyle he'd chosen and Buffy knew this room had to be one of the reasons he'd rented this house. She took off down the hall again. This time she headed for the bedrooms and bathrooms. The first two bedrooms were obviously guest rooms, plain and small with a standard bathroom dividing them. 

Across the hall was the master bedroom and Buffy gasped when she stepped inside. Like the living room, windows stretched across the far wall with a sliding glass door that opened onto the verandah. It gave an unparallel view from where the bed was on the opposite wall. 

_We can lie in bed and watch the ocean._

Pushing aside the erotic thoughts that followed that one, Buffy hurried to the bathroom adjoining the bedroom. Every feminine instinct in her wanted to slide into the garden tub that was nestled in the corner. It only needed a few candles on the sides and it would be heaven. She sighed knowing that she couldn't make a decision based on a bathtub. 

_What am I going to do?_

The question pushed to the forefront of her attention again as she sank down onto the bed. Her head shot up as the mattress squeaked beneath her. Buffy bounced a little and the squeaking only got louder.

_Oh, no, this bed is going. I am not sleeping on this noisy thing. My bed will go very nicely in here…my bed._

In that instant she knew that the decision had been made. The decision had been made the night she'd met Spike. She loved him and belonged with him. Maybe he'd never tell her he loved her but he would be there for her, take care of her and try to make her happy. It was time to move forward with her life not try to go back to something that was gone a long time ago. Her future was with Spike and with a smile she went to find him so she could tell him just that.

~~~~~~~~

Nothing was easy and Spike was finding out that loving Buffy was the hardest thing he'd ever done. It took everything he was and it was forcing him from any complacency that he was trying to hide in. He sighed as he sank down onto the sand and lit a cigarette. All his plans were destroyed. They were blown apart by Buffy's indecision. If it were fear about them being together or even uncertainty about loving him, those he could handle. Those he would have swept away in a display that would have left her no doubt that she was loved. No, she had to be confused about whether she wanted to be with him or with Riley. 

Yeah, he could have told her he loved her. She would have probably taken it and decided to be with him but he didn't want it to be like that. He wanted her to be with him because she wanted him. He didn't want to be the security blanket she clung to. He wanted to be the man she would fight to be with despite all the odds that told her no. If she decided to be with him then he'd tell her he loved her. He wouldn't deny that by not telling her until he was sure was also a way to save his pride.

Spike heard something behind him and turned to watch her come toward him. Her face was solemn but there was something peaceful about her that had been missing before. She stepped in front of him then knelt pushing his legs apart. He allowed her access to sit between his thighs.

"No smoking in the house," Buffy said, taking his cigarette and grinding it out in the sand. "I don't want everything to smell icky."

"I'm not in the house."

"Still…maybe you should think about quitting."

"Bossy chit, aren't you?" Spike asked, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer. "I take it your staying."

Buffy nodded. "Yes to both." She leaned deeper into his embrace. "I was wrong about Riley. I was trying to talk myself into something that I didn't even want."

Spike didn't say anything, instead nuzzling her neck. He kissed her below the ear. This was what he'd been waiting weeks for. To have her, soft, warm and willing in his arms so they could finish what they'd started the last time he was here.

"Spike, you're wrong too."

"About what?" Spike asked, not really listening to her as his hand covered her breast without getting any resistance from her.

"She's cold," Buffy said.

He froze wondering who she was talking about then looked up to see her gazing out at the ocean.

"Yeah, she is."

"She doesn't have two arms to comfort you or two legs to wrap around you in passion," Buffy said, squirming around in his arms until she could look up at him. "When you're old and can't give in to her demands, she'll toss you aside for someone younger with a stronger back."

"Will you still be there?"

"Always, Spike, always."

They were words that were a balm to his unsure heart. It was all he needed to lay down his arms and make a life with the girl in his arms. He leaned forward to kiss her. She met him willingly as they surrendered to the emotions that pulled them together. Before he could figure out how to get them back to the house without breaking the mood Buffy pulled away.

"Come on," Buffy said, patting his arm. A huge grin covered her face while her eyes danced in amusement. "Let's go tell my parents we're going to be living together."

_"Oh, bloody hell…forgot all about that treat," _Spike thought as he stood to follow Buffy up the sand.__

_To be continued…_


	25. Sparkling Conversations

**Chapter 25 – Sparkling Conversations**

Her parent's apartment was filled with activity as her friends packed up her belongings. On the way there Buffy and Spike had stopped to pick up Angel for help. He'd insisted he wasn't doing it all and had called everyone else for assistance. Now while her friends packed up her room Buffy sat on the edge of her parent's bed facing her mother while Spike had meekly followed her father somewhere for a talk. A thud sounded somewhere in the building and Buffy hoped Spike was all right.

"Are you sure this is what you want, Buffy?" Joyce asked. "He isn't coercing you into doing anything that you don't want to do?"

Buffy smiled. "You've been listening to Dad too much."

"I know that you love him but does he love you?"

Why did she have to ask that? Of all the questions she could have asked like 'Are you happy?', 'Does he make you feel safe?' or even 'Have you had sex yet?', she just had to ask the toughest one. The others were easy to answer, 'yes', 'yes', and 'no, not yet'. Sometimes she thought he loved her and sometimes when he held her she felt loved but did that make him love her? It was something she didn't know, only he did and he wasn't sharing. So, she sighed and looked into her mother's eyes.

"He makes me happy."

"Last night when you went to work you were saying that you were breaking up with him," Joyce said sternly. "You come home, announce you're going to a motel with him again, you call us and say you're going to break it off after class then you walk in here and announce you're living together. Sorry, but I'm really confused on how and why he makes you happy."

Buffy didn't know it but a smile tilted the corners of her lips as she thought of the ways that Spike did make her happy. It was a hundred different things that she remembered once she quit fighting it. In the space of only an hour after giving in he'd reminded her why she'd fallen in the first place. It was the way his eyes lit up when she walked in the room, the way he played gentleman by opening doors for her, the roses and the champagne he'd gotten for them to celebrate with. It was the way he'd held her, reassuring her that he was still willing to wait for sex until she was ready even with the new arrangement. There were too many ways to count and she blushed as she looked down at her hands.

"There's a lot of ways, Mom," Buffy said, glancing at her mother before looking away again. "He's good to me and," she held her hand up, "yeah, there's still a lot to work out. But that's what I want to do, work it out."

"Have you had sex yet?"

"Mom!" Buffy exclaimed rolling her eyes.

"Now, look young lady," Joyce said. "I know you think that I'm old and shouldn't know about these things but sometimes love and desire can be confused. Maybe after you…have had sex things won't look the same."  
  


"It'll only look better," Buffy smirked, thinking about their most intimate night.

"Buffy," Joyce said, trying to appear shocked but ended up giggling with her daughter.  

"I thought you knew about these things," Buffy said, teasing her mother and decided to take it a bit further. "I mean, you have done it even after I was conceived, right?"

"None of your business."

"Oh, please," Buffy said, giggling at her mother's sudden prim attitude. "Oh, Ripper, kiss me again." She made a smacking noise to add emphasize to her teasing but had to quickly dodge a pillow launched at her head.

"My God," Joyce said, raising the pillow again. "I thought I raised a proper young lady."

"I am, I am," Buffy cried, laughing so hard that her sides hurt. "Stop, that's child abuse."

"You're living with a man so I hope you're not a child anymore," Joyce said, tossing the pillow aside. It took another moment for their laughter to stop but after they wiped the tears from their faces, Joyce grew serious again. She reached out and took Buffy's hands in her own. "Buffy, listen to me and don't dismiss this as the rambling of an interfering parent. I love you probably more than anyone else does because I carried you for nine months and I will always love you no matter what you do."

"I hear this big 'but' coming." Buffy said, smiling as she squeezed her mother's hands.

"Be sure this is what you want. I like Spike, you know I do but I don't want you to do anything because you're afraid of never having another chance, or just because you want to have sex with him. This is a big step."

"I know, Mommy, I know."

"I haven't heard you call me that in a long time," Joyce said, running her fingers along Buffy's cheek. "Promise me if you find out that you made a mistake that you won't be too afraid to say so."

"I promise," Buffy said, reaching out to hug her mother.

~~~~~~~~~

Spike hit the wall with a loud thud but before he could recover a forearm was pressed to his throat.

_Must be where Angel learned it…_

"Buffy is my little girl," Giles said, putting a little more pressure against Spike's throat. "And you just casually walk into my home and tell me she's going to live with you. No ring, no wedding, nothing to show that you intend to keep her safe. Do you at least love her?"

Spike tried to respond but couldn't form proper words because his air supply was growing dangerously low. He was released and he took a moment to take in much needed gulps of oxygen. His hand covered his throat before straightening only to find that Giles was ready to attack again if he said the wrong thing.

"I can't tell you something that I haven't told her," Spike said. He could have sworn he heard Buffy's father growl and he threw his hand up before he could be hit or worse. "But I promise that she will always be taken care of."

"If you care so much why can't you just ask her to marry you?"

Fair question in the scheme of things but nothing ever went the tried and true course in his courting of Buffy. It hadn't since his first declaration of never being able to love her. He sighed as he tried to find a way to explain what was going on in his heart.

"Because…because…I was thinking about it. I had this huge evening planned for us and then I found out about Riley and that she was thinking about breaking up with me," Spike said, starting to pace in the small hallway outside the bookstore office. His arms flung wildly as he walked. "Everything went bust but I already had the house rented and she was screaming that I wanted her to be my mistress…"

"Your mistress? I didn't know my modern little girl knew such an antiquated term."

"Your little girl has read a lot of your books if you know what I mean," Spike said, waggling his brow.

"Oh, dear Lord," Giles said. "Maybe it's not you I need to be talking to. Come in here."

Spike followed the older man into his office, waited until he was invited before taking a seat across the desk from him. His eyes grew larger as he watched Giles pull a bottle of scotch and two glasses out of his drawer.

"A little drink now and then makes things easier," Giles said, pouring them both a drink. He placed a glass in front of Spike before picking up his own. "So, I'm getting the feeling that you do love my little hellion but since nothing ever goes right you haven't gotten around to telling her yet."

"Something like that," Spike said, cautiously picking up the glass. He wondered if it was some kind of test that he was about to fail horribly because he'd already decided he was going to drink it.

"Have you ever lived with a woman before?" Giles asked, leaning back in his chair. 

"Dru," Spike looked up and at the nod from Giles knew that Buffy had already shared his past with her parents. "Well, Dru and I traveled together. She wasn't really into being domestic or anything."

"It takes work, Spike," Giles said, pouring them both some more. "It's not going to be easy especially with Buffy."

"That I already know," Spike said smiling. "She's worth it though."

"I'm glad to hear you say that and you know if you ever hurt her that you'll live to regret it."

Spike nodded. He'd already been warned by Angel and had been waiting for the warning from her father.

"Don't you think that if I was out to hurt her that one, I wouldn't have picked a woman that has so many family and friends? And that two, I wouldn't have rented a house to tie me here? And thirdly that I wouldn't have put her name on the lease?"

"Her name is on the lease?" Giles asked. His relaxed stance disappeared as his feet hit the ground and he leaned across the desk. "Are you thinking of disappearing and leaving her financially responsible? There is no where…"

"The rent is already covered. It's being deducted out of my bank account," Spike reassured Giles. He just didn't add that the entire year was being paid for at one time. "And I plan on opening a joint account so that Buffy has money to pay for any up keeps that are needed while I'm gone or for anything she wants to do to the house. I'll deposit money whenever I get paid."

"I don't know whether to appreciate what you're doing or agree with Buffy," Giles said. "You're paying for everything. She makes a home for you and waits for you to come back."

"And she does what she wants to do," Spike said, putting his glass back on the desk. "She goes to college, has some independence, and builds a future for herself surrounded by friends and family while I hope that what I'm giving her is enough to keep her holding on."

"So, why do it? Why keep holding onto a life that is only going to make things more difficult between the two of you?"

Spike had walked away from college, had sung in a band and done some bartending before the sea. The only thing he knew how to do well was what he was doing now. Besides he made decent money at it. Anything else he'd have to start over at the bottom and he wasn't ready to do that yet. He sighed because it would help if anything else interested him. Finally he told Giles the truth.

"It's the only thing I know how to do."

~~~~~~~

Everywhere Buffy looked was another one of her friends or family. They had taken over her new home in their well meaning and loving way. It had started innocently enough. Her friends had helped move her belongings into the house. Then while they were there the guys had taken down the noisy bed and replaced it with her bed. 

The parents had shown up in the midst of the unpacking and that was both sets; hers and Angel's. Mr. and Mrs. O'Connor announced to everyone that they claimed rights to her since she had once taken a bath with their son. Spike hadn't been overly happy about that bit of news at first. He soon found the humor in it when he had been told that during the bath Buffy had tried to pull Angel's penis off. She'd told everyone over his howls of pain that it looked funny and she was only trying to make him pretty like her.

After the obligatory parental embarrassing rites they had proceeded in trying to outdo each other in the 'who was the better parent' ritual. Giles had offered to buy steaks for them to grill only to be outdone by Mr. O'Connor offering to buy shrimp and lobster tails to be steamed. The guys had then volunteered to buy the drinks which meant the girls had ended up preparing salads and side dishes. It became a full fledged party that was still going on at ten o'clock that night. 

The only respite from the frustration of not being alone with Spike was irritating her parents. She had practically sat in Spike's lap during dinner so they could take turns feeding each other from the same plate. She kept wondering if her father's eyes would become loose in their eye sockets as many times as he'd rolled them at her.

Buffy sighed as she glanced at her watch. Would these people never go home? Of course, she would never complain out loud no matter how much she wanted to. She forced a smile to her face as she watched her father bear down on her hiding place. For the last few minutes she'd found a bit of quiet in an overstuffed chair in the corner of the living room but it seemed she'd been found. 

"Hey Daddy," Buffy said, standing and accepting a kiss on the cheek from him. 

"Hello, sweetheart," Giles said. He held out his plate to offer her a bite of cake that he was nibbling at. "I do have to say that your young man has redeemed himself quite a bit in my eyes by renting this cottage."

"You approve of us living together?" Buffy said, her eyes widening. "What did you all talk about this afternoon? Did you sell me to him or something?"

"Oh, no dear, it's what I learned after my talk with Spike that has given me greater faith in him."

"Would you like to let me in on this?" Buffy asked, turning to her father. 

"Well, Mrs. Wilson the rental agent, came into the shop this afternoon and was telling me that Spike chose this cottage over the one two doors down," Giles explained, his hands gesturing toward the aforementioned cottage. "You know the one that's two stories with the widow walk."

"Why?" Buffy asked. "I love that place."

Giles smiled patiently at his daughter and pointed toward the hallway. "That's why."

Buffy looked up in time to see her mother roll her wheelchair through the wide doorway into the living room. Joyce was busy chatting with Mrs. O'Connor while carrying a plate of quartered limes. The two women continued through the living room and out onto the patio. 

"Oh, boy," Buffy heard Xander exclaim. "Mrs. G you have saved the day. You brought the lime for the Corona. Thank you."

It hadn't struck Buffy until then that although the cottage wasn't handicapped equipped it would be easy for her mother to maneuver through. It was one level all the way through and the doorways were wider than most standard ones. Joyce, when she came to visit, could be almost completely independent. It would give her a comfort level she normally didn't have when going to other people's houses. 

"He rented it with Mom in mind?" Buffy asked awed by the sensitivity that Spike had shown for her and her family in that one act.

"It seems so," Giles confirmed. "Mrs. Wilson was trying to sell him on one of the bigger houses but he insisted on seeing this one. He made a comment about it being wheelchair friendly. Of course, Mrs. Wilson being the gossip she is had to share this news with me."

There was no room left for doubts as her heart fell in love all over again. Buffy searched the room for him and smiled when she saw him leaning in the doorway talking to Tara.  The pure beauty of the man left her aching in need. Her desire for him was the strongest feeling she'd ever had and if only their house wasn't full of people she could show him how much. An idea suddenly came to her and after excusing herself from her father she headed toward the bathroom.

~~~~~~~

Spike took another sip of his beer as he listened to Tara talk about the Psych project they were working on with Buffy. He knew it was an attempt to reassure him about Riley and appreciated the support. Tara, along with Willow, seemed to be his strongest supporters in his relationship with Buffy. They hadn't given him any warnings only advice on how to deal with everyone. There, of course, was Anya but her encouragement was all of the sexual kind.

Hands rested on his hips and Spike turned to find Buffy behind him.

"Hello, Luv." 

"Hey," Buffy said, sliding one hand around to his stomach while the other slipped into his pocket. "Hi, Tara, you having a good time?"

"Great," Tara said. "I love the house."

"It's all Spike's doing," Buffy acknowledged. 

She kissed his shoulder before murmuring an excuse to wander off again. He turned and watched her as she made her way through the living room before turning into the hallway.  Trying to be nonchalant Spike slipped his hand into his pocket. His eyes widened as his fingers felt the lacy, damp material that Buffy had left for him. 

_Cor, it's her panties, _Spike thought and felt his cock twitch in response. He smiled at Tara, lied about needing to use the restroom and took off in hot pursuit of his girl. A couple of people tried to stop him but he nodded and kept going. Their bedroom door was closed and he opened it without knocking. 

Buffy was bent over searching for something in the dresser. She looked quickly over at him wearing a 'caught in the headlight' look. Guilt danced across her face as she dropped the panties in her hand back in the drawer.

"Did you get cold feet?" Spike asked, shutting the door behind him.

Buffy shook her head and shut the drawer.

"I think you did," Spike purred, making his way toward her. "You want to be naughty but then you get scared that you'll get caught."

"Spike…" 

He didn't let her finish as he turned her toward the mirror. His hands slid along her thighs then caught the material of her skirt and began to pull it up.

"You shouldn't tempt a man," Spike whispered between kisses he was peppering along her jaw. "Did you think you could slip them in my pocket and I wouldn't follow you?" 

Her skirt was dangerously high on her thighs and Buffy put her hand on his to stop him. 

"We can't, Spike," Buffy gasped. "Not now."

"Shhh, lamb," Spike said, slipping his tongue along the shell of her ear. "I just want to see how bad you can be."

Spike grinned when she allowed him to continue to uncover her. He didn't stop until the skirt was bunched around her waist and she was bare to his gaze in the mirror. 

"Oh, baby, do you know how beautiful you are?" Spike said. His hands slid along the silk of her hips to the soft cushion of her lower belly. They formed a v-shape that framed the very essence of her. He looked up to meet the deep pools of her eyes that reflected the desire and fear that was making her body tremble. "I'm going to take care of you. All right?"

Buffy nodded moving her hands to cover his wrists. Her bottom instinctively nestled back against his pelvis and he groaned at the sweet ache she gave him. If any man was going to die of frustration he knew it was going to be him. However, he swore that he'd make sure she was satisfied first. 

"Do you have any idea how many times I fantasize about touching you?" Spike whispered. One hand covered her stomach to hold her against him and one reached down to ruffle her curls. "They're so soft like you. I've never known a woman who's as soft as you. I miss your body next to mine when I'm gone. Do you miss me?"

"Uh-huh."

"Do you dream of me? Of this?" Spike asked. His hand slipped lower to cover her heated flesh. "Is this what you want?" One finger separated her folds seeking the very place that radiated her pleasure. He teased it with circular motions that brought her to her toes as she arched out to meet him. "God, you're so hot…so wet. I feel like I'm in heaven."

Laughter sounded outside the room bringing them both crashing from the dream world they'd been building. They turned toward the patio where they heard Xander and Angel talking. The voices came closer until they could see their shadows on the curtains. Spike held Buffy close as they watched the figures of their friends sit in the chairs that were right outside.

"Spike, we have to stop," Buffy whispered frantically. "They'll know."

Spike held her squirming body closer. "Hush, they won't," He murmured. "Be my bad little Buffy." He knew it wasn't playing fair but he increased the stimulation against her clit until he felt her sag against him. "Don't make a sound." There wasn't time for the teasing he wanted to give her. Instead he held her close, kept up a monotony of reassuring words while he played her until she was quivering on the edge. Carefully he slipped his fingers inside her letting his thumb continue to tickle her pearl. 

"Spike, please, please, oh, oh," Buffy begged, vibrating against his hand. "Yes," she hissed when he finally led her over the edge. 

"Watch yourself, baby, don't close your eyes. I love your expressions when you cum. Always so amazing."

It was a miracle to him every time she would allow him to bring her this pleasure. Buffy was such a contrast of innocence and unleashed passions that he couldn't wait to see how she would react to the sensuality that she had yet to experience. The thought that he would be an active partner to her awakening sent waves of need through him. He knew that she would take him to a place he'd never been before and that the man in him should thank the Gods for the honor she was giving him. 

"I love you so much, Spike," Buffy said. 

This time there wasn't any expectancy in her words. It was simply a gift that she gave him. Spike kissed her lightly in gratitude. He reached over her and grabbed some tissues.

"Hold on," Spike said. He cleaned her up then grabbed a pair of panties from the drawer. He fell to his knees and lifted each of her feet to slip them on. It was a caress to slide them up her legs and an agony to cover her up. He reached to pull her skirt down but she was already smoothing it. He stood up and kissed the tip of her nose. "Go on, baby, I'll be out in just a minute."

"Let me," Buffy said, covering his denim covered erection with her hand. 

"No, not this time," Spike answered. "If you touch me, we'll never get out of this room."

Buffy nodded and rushed from the room leaving him alone. Spike sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. He undid his pants and lay back as he wrapped his hand around his cock. It wouldn't take long for him to get off. Not with her sweet honey clinging to his hand, her panties draped over the hand holding him and the naughtiness of the moment they'd just shared to replay in his mind. The first stroke was mind numbing and he flung his free arm out. 

_"What the hell?" _Spike asked himself as his hand hit something nestled between the pillows. He grabbed it and held it up to the light shining in from the patio. A small stuffed pig was staring back at him with a completely malevolent gaze. He rolled his eyes and threw it back onto the pillow. He tried to resume wanking off but it was impossible with the accusations the pig was tossing his way. It kept telling him that he'd taken advantage of its poor Buffy and left her to face everyone alone. 

"Damn it, okay you win, you stupid swine, I'm going, I'm going," Spike muttered, fastening his pants and heading for the door with the anticipation of what would happen after everyone left. At the doorway he turned and pointed to the stuffed toy, "And I swear piggie, you are going to go in the closet."

_to__ be continued…_

  
  



	26. To Touch You

** Chapter 26 – To Touch You**

It was stupid. He knew it was stupid but at the moment it was all he had to cling to. It was the knowledge that the dishes were almost done. Not just any dishes but their dishes. They'd come with the house and by the time he returned Buffy would undoubtedly have replaced them with something she'd chosen. But for tonight they were their dishes, in their kitchen, in their house and just down the hall was their bedroom.

And that thought scared Spike to death. 

Today everything had changed. He'd changed directions so completely that he was on a different road altogether. No longer was it a straight shot highway with a few memorable exits here and there. Now he was on a scenic Sunday drive rambling through valleys and mountains that left him shaking in awe. 

Buffy wanted to live with him. Buffy loved him. And Buffy had been furiously hurt that he might even consider she'd cheat on him. The slap had been a relief. Funny, but it was true. The last woman he'd accused of cheating on him had laughed and casually told him that she needed to find her pleasures somewhere. Their entire relationship had been reduced to shreds because he couldn't satisfy her.

_So, why the hell do you think you'll be able to satisfy Buffy? What if she is disappointed? What if she doesn't love you in the morning?_

Spike was astounded that a girl like Buffy loved him and yet at the same time he was scared to death by it. He'd finally admitted to himself that she was the dream he'd always wanted but he was frightened that she'd see the truth of who he was and leave him.

_They all left you. What makes you think this time is going to be any different?_

The plate he was trying to rinse fell from his shaking hands to clatter against the sink. Thankfully it didn't break. He sighed and picked it back up. Behind him, somewhere, Buffy was moving through the house. Their guests had finally left in the last hour leaving the couple to face their first night in their first home. 

_What the hell were you thinking? _

Spike would be the first to admit he hadn't thought it through. He'd been so afraid of losing her that he'd emotionally charged through the day making decisions that he felt would keep Buffy with him. Oh, but he didn't regret this. Not at all. He'd take whatever time he could get with Buffy. 

_Until you're the one to decide to call it quits? Until you decide to shrug your shoulders and remind her that you never said you'd love her? Until you decide to return to the sea?_

Guilt weighed heavy on him as he remembered that he'd been given several perfect openings to say the words. The coward in him kept winning out and he'd yet to tell the girl how much she meant to him. Oh, but yet he was brave enough, desperate enough even, to persuade her to stay in the bedroom so he could finger fuck her into bliss. He hadn't even cared that two of her best friends were only a few feet away. Maybe he wasn't the man he thought he was. Maybe he wasn't a man at all.

"Spike?" Buffy said, putting her hand in the middle of his back. "Are you almost done?"

"Yeah, Luv," Spike said, turning the faucets off and reaching for the dish towel. Taking a deep breath he turned to face her and choked. 

She was wearing the lingerie he'd gotten for her in Hong Kong. The material flowed over her skin in a rich river of satin and lace. Every curve was outlined and highlighted as she fidgeted before him. His eyes moved down to where her hips danced to the rhythms of her nervousness and her fingers played along the hem giving him flashes of the tiny thong that matched. 

"It was for me, wasn't it?" Buffy asked. She looked sad as she smoothed the silk along her stomach. It was if she expected to be asked to give it back. "I unpacked your bag and…and it was in there. I know I assumed but I'm kind of hoping that there isn't anyone else…"

"Hush, it's yours," Spike said. "I was just struck speechless at how much more beautiful you are in it then I fantasized you would be."

Buffy lit up from the inside. Happiness radiated through her and her eyes shone with love for him. She couldn't hide what she was feeling and that was one of the things he held on to. Despite the fiasco with Riley her love for him was as evident as the sun at noon. It was his insecurities that made him try to deny what was so freely given. 

Spike wasn't sure he could do this but he wanted to try. Try to give Buffy all the love that his heart had been hiding.  Try to give Buffy everything she needed to be happy. Try to build them a life together. The kind of life she wanted with the kids and him at home. His talk with Giles had forced into the open the questions he'd been putting off answering. What was he going to do with the rest of his life? He knew that he couldn't continue to be gone all the time if they were going to make forever work. And he wanted to do something that would make Buffy proud of him but yet he'd be happy doing. 

"Stop thinking so much," Buffy whispered, rising on her toes to kiss the corner of his mouth. "Tonight is ours." She nuzzled against his cheek, kissed his jaw then took his hand. "Come with me."

It was time. Spike swallowed back his own nerves and followed the cutest tush flowing back and forth as he was led to his seduction. So intent on watching the hemline play peek-a-boo with her butt cheeks he didn't see what she had done until she stopped and turned to him expectantly. 

His hands found their way to his hips as he surveyed the stage for the taking of her virginity and for him to give up the last of his freedom.  For a woman that still had a claim to innocence she knew what she was doing. If Giles didn't find a way, Spike was considering banning her from the how-to section of the bookstore himself. Her second hand knowledge on sex would be something that he could never hope to live up to, much less want to. 

A fire burned brightly casting a glow over the bed she'd made for them. Blankets were piled almost as high as the pillows. Candles were placed around the room and the doors were open so they could hear the sounds of the ocean crashing on the shore. The champagne was cooling in a bowl filled with ice and two flutes stood beside it.

_When did she do that? God, I must have been lost in thought._

His gaze shifted to the left to the strawberries and chocolates laid out on a plate. Beside them were a handful of small foil wrapped packets. He stared at them for a moment before swallowing. Months of fantasy were about to culminate into reality. His eyes closed as he wondered if he could handle it. Shouldn't she be the one shaking in fright? He was supposed to be strong and sure, but if he could do it without humiliating himself he would hide.

Spike felt Buffy move in front of him and he opened his eyes. She was reaching for the buttons on his shirt and he rushed to do it himself, to take back control of the situation but she brushed them aside. Buffy wanted to do it herself and, feeling useless, he stood there as she finished unfastening the shirt. It was pushed off his shoulders, down his arms until she flung it on the couch. His t-shirt was next. Her hands catching on the end so she could caress his sides as she brought it over his head. Once it had joined the other one, she raised her eyes to meet his. He relaxed when all he could see was love. If nothing else, he had to believe in what he saw.

And what he could feel. Her hands leading him down on the soft cushion of the bed determined that this time their relationship would be consummated. The way was clear, declarations had been made, no one was cloudy on what this meant and they both wanted, no needed this fulfillment. Their celibacy was the last vestige of holding back. In making love they would both move forward, together and separately. 

"Up, Spike," Buffy commanded. She was unzipping him so carefully that it made him smile. At least she didn't want the goods damaged before she got a chance to use them. He was a good boy and raised his hips so she could slide his jeans down his legs. Her eyes remained averted from what she had protected until the jeans were dropped on the floor. She sat back on her legs and slowly let her eyes move over him. 

Spike put his arms behind his head, partly to keep him from reaching for her and partly because he was beginning to enjoy the submissive role. It wasn't the first time she'd seen him nude and it certainly wasn't going to be the first time she'd touched him so he waited to see what she was up to. Her lower lip was nibbled on and he could see her throat move as she swallowed. Her eyes lingered for a moment on his penis before gliding along his stomach to his chest. 

"What's up, pet?" Spike asked. 

"I don't know where to start," Buffy said in a trembling voice. "It's stupid I know but I kind of had this all sorted out in my head. It's like going to a restaurant that you've been to before and you know what you're going to order then you get there and all the food's laid out. Everything looks really good and you're really hungry. You just don't know where to start."

During her speech his cock had realized that it had competition from the rest of his body and decided it wanted to be noticed. By the time she said she was really hungry it was already curling up against his belly and getting harder by the second. Buffy noticed. Her eyes got bigger as she watched him stiffen. Now, that was apparently something she hadn't seen before because she was blushing. 

Spike sat up and reached for her. "Come here, lamb, let me…"

"No," Buffy said, looking up to meet his eyes. "I know I'm supposed to be all virginal and everything. You know, lie back and let you make a woman out of me, but…"

"But you're already a woman, Buffy," Spike said, lying back. "You don't need me or any other man for that." His arms folded behind his head again as he watched the tears shimmer in her eyes. His heart lurched at the love that was overflowing it and his body quivered when she leaned forward to run her tongue over his ankle.

It seemed Buffy had found her place to start and he watched as she made love to his feet. Never before had someone paid such attention to that part of his body. Her hands ran over them learning the pattern before she kissed each toe, the top of his feet, both ankles then satisfied she began a trek along his legs. Her hands followed the trail her mouth left along his shins and calves. Ticklish, he jerked when her fingers played the back of his knees and her mouth nibbled his inner thighs. 

"Sorry," Buffy whispered. Apparently she wasn't sorry enough because she repeated the gesture as she seemed to contemplate tackling his manly bits. He saw her eyes glance at it but she seemed to be stuck in the same track of his legs. 

"Only what you're comfortable with," Spike said, running his hand through her hair. "You're driving me wild anyway."

She was. His skin was on fire, his insides were dancing, his heart was flying somewhere above them and his soul was reaching to join with hers. He couldn't pinpoint one sensation or one emotion and describe it eloquently enough. The joy, the fire, the tickles, the licks, all of it was jumbled together in one package he could only label as ecstasy. 

Buffy nodded, freed by his pronouncement to tackle on her own terms the hard flesh waiting to invade her. She skipped over it, letting only her fingertips brush against his scrotum while her mouth descended on the plane of his stomach. She nibbled on the sensitive area around his belly button and let her tongue dart into it. His body shuddered when she straddled him. 

Spike sighed and adjusted himself so that their most intimate parts were in constant contact. He knew he should be moaning at her sucking one nipple and rolling the other. But all he could concentrate on was that one strip of material keeping him from burying himself in that wet heat.

_Slow down…she's never been taken…have to go slow mate. _

His reverie was interrupted when Buffy moved and plopped onto his stomach. Her arms crossed over her chest and she peered down at him.

"Do you just want to get it over with? Or not do it at all?"

"What are you talking about?" Spike asked, shaking his head a bit so maybe he could figure out what was wrong.

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know what I'm doing and you're not saying very much. I keep feeling like your not even paying attention. Am I boring you?"

"Huh?"

"You don't want to do this," Buffy wailed. "I knew it. There is something wrong with me."

Somewhere between the driving wild comment and nipple sucking Buffy had gotten insecure. Spike rolled them over, pinning her beneath him with a leg thrown across her hips.

"Why would you think that there is something wrong with you," Spike said, peppering kisses along her throat.

"You always talk," Buffy sniffled, her arms encircling his waist. "Always driving me crazy because you won't shut up and now you're lying there all silent. You don't want me."

"Oh, baby," Spike said, pulling her closer to him. "I want you very, very much."

"That." Buffy said, poking him in the hip, "is going to react to just about anything. I'm talking about…you."

The words he'd yet to speak. Something rebelled in him at saying them on command. He sighed and buried his face against the softness of her breast. Her fingers moved to comb through his hair and he tried to force himself to say it. He'd told Angel flat out how he felt. He'd implied it to her father. For some reason, holding her now, he couldn't say it.

"Buffy, you are amazing. I'm amazed that I'm here," Spike said, then sighed. "Bloody hell, I'm no good at this."

"Do you want to be with me?"

"Yes, more than you'll ever know." He kissed the side of her breast and his hand cupped her bottom. "This I've been dreaming about for months. I can't believe I'm here, with you wearing only this. You're so beautiful. No one else could compare."

~~~~~~~~

With a sigh Buffy decided maybe it was better to lie back and let him make a woman out of her. His words rolled over her like sweet molasses that wanted to make her purr from the pleasure they were bringing. Here was the man she fell in love with. Her toes curled in anticipation as he lavished long strokes over her silk covered body. His hot breath mingled with the promises he was making tickled the skin just below her ear. 

It was going to be the greatest night of her life.  Oh, she didn't really believe in that rubbish about her entire world changing. Or even really that she would come out of the experience a woman where once she'd been a girl. And she certainly didn't think that he would complete her. Her mother had taught her very early on that she didn't need a man to make her who she was and to never ever be dependent on one. It was those teachings that had made her freak about the house because she didn't want Spike to take care of her.

If she had to describe her relationship with him she would have to say that Spike fit very neatly beside her. He didn't tell her what to do, but always waited for her to make a decision about what she wanted. He didn't bend to her will either because he wasn't shy about what he wanted or could handle. She had come to realize that the constant bickering and emotional upheaval between them was them compromising. Hopefully with time it wouldn't have to be so dramatic but at least they were finding a way to come to terms they could both live with. 

"Ouch," Buffy muttered when Spike bit her ear lobe. "What did you do that for?"

"You're drifting off some where," Spike said, kissing the offended body part. "Do you not want to be doing this?"

"I'll pay attention," Buffy promised, running her hands upward along his arms. 

His lips drifted under her chin as he shifted to cover her more. Buffy forced her mind to chronicle what was going on between them.

_"Spike lips on my throat…oh, that feels good…please don't stop soon. Spike hands on my waist, rubbing and squeezing. Spike's penis…"_ Buffy giggled.

"You wouldn't be laughing at me now would you, pet?"

"No, of course not," Buffy said, thought of Spike's penis again and giggled. She clamped a hand over mouth to try and stop the sound that was bring a look of hurt to blue eyes. "_If I ever meet that bitch", Buffy thought, "_I'm going to kill her for doing this to him_." She ran her hand through his locks before pulling him down to kiss his nose. "I was paying attention. Paying perfectly good attention but every time I thought 'Spike's penis', well it made me giggle."_

"I would like you to know that is not merely a penis," Spike said. "It is the sword of truth that shall bring enlightenment to your dark…hmmm…" 

Buffy smiled. Her mind searched for an ending that would be appropriate. A passage from a romance novel she once read came to mind. "Umm, the dark passage of my womanhood?" 

"Perfect, Luv, perfect," Spike said, grinning down at her and nodding. His hand slid under the waistband of her panties. "Just like this is perfection."

"Oh, teach me the truth, Sir William." Buffy sighed. Her legs fell open so his exploring fingers would have access to all her dark places.  Tingling, that would be what she would say she was feeling at this moment. It started right where his finger was playing and it was spreading all the way down to her toes and all the way up to the top of her head. She was alternately hot and cold as he caressed her. Her hands skidded along his arms, shoulders and back depending on where he was at the moment.

Buffy wasn't sure about the next step. It wasn't that she was scared or embarrassed it was just nervousness about the unknown. She'd talked to her friends but none of them had really helped. Willow's first time had been with Oz and although it was a pleasant experience it wasn't comparable to her first time with Tara. Tara had never been with a man. Cordelia's first time had been in the back seat with the football player she'd been in love with in high school. She described it as lasting all of thirty seconds. Anya's first time had been with Xander who except for one time with Faith was almost as inexperienced. Faith had been fourteen when she'd lost her virginity to another fourteen year old. So, how could they help her deal with being twenty-three and losing her virginity to a man who was sexually experienced?

"Lift up, sweetheart," Spike murmured, tugging on her panties.

Reality crashed through Buffy with the force of a runaway train. She gulped as she looked down and watched her last defense being drawn down her legs. The baby doll lingerie was bunched up under her breasts and for the first time her body seemed incredibly long. 

"_Long and naked," Buffy thought as she stared at herself. Her attention was diverted when Spike reached for a condom and in fascination she watched him sheath himself in it. He looked back up and her eyes scrunched closed before they could connect. She desperately tried to keep herself from hyperventilating as Spike lay down on top of her. "__Oh, my God, we're really going to do it."_

Spike brushed her hair away from her face, stroking her cheek until she opened her eyes to look at him.

"You okay?" Spike asked, concern written on his face.

Buffy nodded.

"You sure? Because if your not then we can wait or…or stop if you want."

"No, I want to but…" Buffy asked, her tongue moistening her lips that had suddenly gone dry. "Would you kiss me? Just kiss me until I…"

Spike relaxed onto his forearms, slipping his hands under her shoulders before pressing his lips to her. It was his mouth, she decided, that she loved the most about his body. Whether he was talking to her or kissing her she got turned on so easily. Under the magic of his kiss Buffy began to relax again. She let the sensations of his tongue dancing with hers chase away the uncertainty. Her hands found themselves clutching at his platinum locks holding him close. She wasn't even sure how they were breathing. All she knew was that she was going under fast. 

She wanted the rest.

Hoping he'd get the message without her saying "now", Buffy brought her legs up, opening wider. Their mouths fell apart, catching their breath as he positioned himself.

Buffy opened her eyes and stared into his as he entered her for the first time. He went so gently and so slowly, it was like he was tiptoeing in. 

"I love you so much," Buffy whispered. She kissed him so he wouldn't feel obligated to return the endearment. If and when he said it she wanted it to be spontaneous not out of guilt or obligation. Lost in the kiss, she barely noticed when he started to move in and out of her. 

Buffy dug her nails into his back as their movements increased. She was trying to figure out the rhythm so she could match his. Spike slowed down and waited for her to catch up. Finding their rhythm, their bodies rocked toward each other, building speed until she was panting just to keep oxygen flowing through her lust addled brain.

Buffy wanted to please him. She wanted to let him know how much this meant. How much she loved him. Her hands flowed over his body. She kissed every surface of flesh she could reach, nibbling at his neck, jaw and ear. It was so hard to think though and she moved on instinct but the words he uttered, the raw encouragement to every gesture she made, let her know that he knew…that he loved. 

"Need you to fly with me, pet," Spike begged. "Let it go, Buffy, let it go."

She did, wrapping herself so tightly around him that he could barely move, until it started. Her body releasing and flowing as it quivered around him. She lay spent and holding him, until a few moments later when he followed her over the edge. 

It was over. They'd finally made love and it was too intimate, too deep for what she'd been prepared to handle. Buffy had known Spike for months but had only spent a fraction of that time with him. The days, if totaled, would only equal weeks. Her body hummed from what she…no, what they had just done. Spike didn't once look at her as he rolled off, kissed the corner of her mouth, and mumbled something about the bathroom that she didn't quite catch then took off. 

Buffy had been wrong. It had changed everything. The fantasies were vanished in the hard core reality of sex. Her body had wanted the warmth and the touch of this man, but she wasn't prepared for the emotions that ran rampant through her heart. Spike had disappeared, leaving her alone on their living room floor.  Unsure of what to do, how to act, Buffy cried because all she wanted was to go back to the way things had been before.

_to be continued…._


	27. In His Hands

**Chapter 27 – In His Hands**

Spike knew he should feel guilty for it. And maybe he would if it was being drowned out by relief that he had an excuse to have a moment alone. He hurried into the bathroom, partially closing the door behind him before disposing of the condom. Simultaneously, he turned the water on and reached for a washcloth that had been hung by the sink. Finally he leaned his forehead on the mirror and let out the breath he'd been holding onto for what seemed forever.

A bitter laugh fell from his lips at the same time as a tear fell down his cheek. How had it come to this? He'd never wanted this. A solitary life had been his choice and she'd stormed her way into his life, his heart and now into his soul. Sex had never before been the way it was with Buffy. Not even with the woman who'd torn him to pieces had it been this intense…this loving. There was no way he could ever run from Buffy now. The responsibility that he didn't want was now his for life. 

Sighing, he ran the cloth under the hot water to take back to Buffy. He'd seen the look on her face as she looked down at herself and eventually he figured they would end up in the bathtub like before. Until then he could clean her up, make sure she was all right and maybe drink some champagne to calm their nerves. He knew if he was feeling this emotional then there was no doubt that she was too. The sound of Buffy weeping jarred him as he turned the faucet off. He hadn't been expecting that and his heart wrenched as he hurried back to her. 

His footsteps faltered when he saw her curled under the blanket, facing away from him, just like she had been the night before. Like she'd been when she was thinking of breaking up with him. With the heel of his hand he wiped the last traces of tears from his face and forced himself to join Buffy on the pile of blankets. Too afraid of being rejected, his hand hovered over her hip as he sat behind her.

"Buffy, are you okay?" Spike asked, withdrawing his hand when she didn't answer. "Did I hurt you?" Buffy shook her head slightly. "Can I do something for you?" Another shake. "Did I do something wrong?"

"You left," Buffy mumbled.

Spike leaned over her and peered into her face. "I didn't hear you, Luv."

"You left me," Buffy said a little louder. "Alone," she added for emphasis.

Dumbfounded, Spike sat back down and stared at the back of Buffy's head. His brows furrowed as he clenched the washcloth still in his hand. A few drops landed on his leg and he stared at them while he tried figure out what to say.

"I told you I was going to the bathroom," Spike said, slowly. 

Buffy rolled onto her back to stare at him with eyes still filled with tears. "Right then? God, couldn't you wait for a minute?" 

"Excuse me," Spike snapped, suddenly feeling defensive under her hurt. He didn't want to be responsible for making someone else happy and safe. So, why did she keep making him feel this way? "I told you that I was getting rid of the damn condom. What did you want me to do? Fling it in the fireplace?"

Her eyes widened, her cheeks flushed red and her lower lip trembled. "I'm so sorry for being stupid. I didn't hear you say anything about…it. I don't know what you're supposed to do with it. I've never done this before, remember?"

"I didn't say you were stupid," Spike said, but his lips were twitching. The timing wasn't appropriate, her mood wasn't right but he couldn't help but chuckle at her indignation. She looked adorable as she defended her lack of knowledge. The one thing he expected her to understand was the one thing she didn't. She sat up when he laughed. The washcloth was wrenched from his hand and thrown in his face.

"Why don't you cool off some?" Buffy shrieked. "I hate this. I hate what happened and I really wish that we hadn't done it. Do you hear me? I said I wish this whole day and night had never happened." She looked torn as to whether she had anything else to add but then she promptly burst into tears again.

"I'm sorry I disappointed you, Buffy," Spike said, feeling his heart shutting down before it could break into a million pieces. "I…I really wanted to make this work and I guess I didn't do such a good job." She didn't say anything and he shrugged his shoulders. "Look, I'll get out of here…go back to the ship. We'll talk tomorrow. Get things settled about the house and stuff. Okay?"

Buffy looked up with eyes that were huge in her tear ravaged face. "You're leaving me? Now? Like this?" Her hand waved over her blanket covered body. "After we…? How could you?"

_What the hell am I supposed to do? She just said she wanted it to all go away and now, she's looking at me like I'm breaking her heart._

Spike wasn't sure what to do. His heart was telling him to run as fast as he could before she broke it. His mind was in total chaos trying to sort out everything that was going on. And his soul, the part of him, that had just accepted responsibility for this girl told him he had to make it right. Praying she didn't kill him, Spike reached over, picked her up and deposited her on the floor between his legs. His arms wrapped around her even while she was trying to push him away. Her efforts were half-hearted as if she was begging him to prove her wrong. Spike was more than willing to do just that because he didn't want to let her go, not now, not ever. The thought of leaving her was more than he could bear so he pulled her closer.

"Buffy, talk to me," Spike begged. "Please, I'm sorry for laughing and I'm sorry that you didn't hear me say I'd be right back. Tell me what's going on, why you're so upset…why you wish it hadn't happened."

She seemed to give up as she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. "I just didn't…I really did like it, it's just…"

"Just what, Luv?"

"It's not your fault it's mine," Buffy said tentative at first but at his continued silence and the soft strokes of his fingers on her back, she opened the floodgates. "I am stupid, Spike, and I thought I was so…so sure of everything. I thought by reading the books, and watching the movies that I knew what it would be like. It wasn't anything like that. And, I'm the one who set everything up, and, of course you'd think I'd be smart enough to check everything off the list. No, I didn't think it through because getting cleaned up or getting rid of the rubber didn't even cross my mind. You must think I'm totally naïve putting out chocolates and strawberries. It didn't even have anything to do with what we did; it was all just a pretty picture. Silly me, actually thinking that we'd be lying there, still joined together, basking in the glow," Buffy paused, took a deep breath before glancing up to make sure he was still listening then plunged back in. "There would be soft music, don't know where the hell from but it would be there and we'd feed each other and drink champagne then as if by magic we'd do it all again." A flush crept up her face but she kept on going. "You know in the Harlequins and everything they always come together. There's this great moment of bliss where their souls join or something, not me, no I have this great orgasm and I'm lying there while you're still doing it." She peeked up again from beneath her lashes. "Please, don't get upset again but I was waiting for you to finish and all of a sudden I felt kind of gross. I was sticky and runny and there was sweat all over the place. The fire was making me hot not glowy and then finally you came. I wanted you off of me but I wanted you to hold me forever too. The next thing I know you're rolling off of me and you were gone. It was like where the hell did he go? And what am I supposed to do? Was I supposed to follow you, wait here or tra la la la, act like it's no big deal? I couldn't act like it wasn't a big deal because it was. I just had sex for the first time with a man I love more than anything. And I realized I really don't know that much about you or how we're paying for this house or anything. It was all too real and I just wanted it to be like the books."

Silence. She was done it seemed and Spike had no clue where to start to make things better. Suddenly she pulled back with her body shaking.

"Please, don't laugh or be mean," Buffy said, struggling to stand up and keep the blanket around her at the same time. "But I have to pee really bad." She took off running down the hallway while Spike, smiling, had to bite back the impulse to ask if she couldn't wait for just a minute.  

Spike glanced around their living room and sighed. It had been a pretty picture that Buffy had created but that's all it was. He'd known her expectations were too high but he'd wanted her too much to slow things down. He'd justified it by saying they needed to make love to seal their relationship when he should have taken the time to maybe play out the seduction scene. Swept away by emotions and Buffy's apparent confidence they'd almost blown the most important moment in their relationship. He heard the water running and knew that Buffy was probably getting cleaned up.

So, he figured he'd wipe away the evidence. He stood, pulled on his jeans before reaching for the blankets and pillows. He took them back to the bedroom, dropped the bundle on the floor, threw the stuffed pig in the closet, and then remade the bed. The bathroom door was still closed so he returned to the living room to take the dishes into the kitchen. Since there was still no Buffy, he grabbed his smokes and headed for the patio. His eyes closed as he rested his head against the back of the chair. 

"Hey," Buffy said. "Do you still want a dork like me around?"

She was leaning against the door dressed in a pair of his boxers and one of his t-shirts with her hair up in a ponytail. He had to smile. He had no choice. She was a woman becoming comfortable with having a man around. Gone was the pajamas of her days of sleeping alone and here was the new choice of comfort.

"Yeah," Spike said, patting his legs for her to sit on his lap. "I still want you around very much."

Buffy settled leaning back against his chest while he wrapped his arm around her waist. This was what he needed, a moment of just being with her. Neither spoke as they relaxed into each other's body. Her fingers caressed his arm while he finished his cigarette. Each exhale was thoughtfully blown to the side so as not to offend his girl.

"I'm sorry for the momentary crazy spell," Buffy said.

"Don't be," Spike said, tightening his arm. He crushed out the cigarette and wrapped that arm around her too. "We both ran ahead with these fantasies. I was feeling a little overwhelmed by our making love, too."

"You were?"

"Yeah, I was," Spike said. "You know that's what it was, don't you?" He sighed. He needed to tell her how he felt. "Buffy, I…"

"No," Buffy said, turning and putting her fingers against his mouth. "Don't. I know what it was and I know how you feel. I had some time to think when I was in the bathroom." The fingers traced his mouth, ran along his jaw to cup the back of his neck. "Once I realized what a dope I was being about everything, I knew, I know. It's in every touch of your hands, in every look you give, the way you've accepted my friends and family. The way you thought of my mother when you rented this house. It's the way you cried the first time we were really intimate and the way you made love to me tonight. I've been told the words before and they didn't mean a damn thing. You tell me in everything you do and when you're ready, you'll tell me. So, don't say the words because you think you have to, I can wait to hear them."

Spike nodded, too overcome for words by the beauty of the woman he was holding. He knew it was time to quit comparing her to Drusilla and measure Buffy by her own standards. She had a level of class that Drusilla could never hope to achieve no matter how hard his ex tried. He tugged Buffy to him so that he could tell her in a kiss how much she meant to him. There wasn't any fear of rejection this time as the lips met in an explosion of passion that was only given to couples who had gone beyond the first floundering moments of a relationship. It was the kiss of two people who were easing into a loving pair that moved as a unit.

Buffy turned in his arms to press close against him. His hand was easing under her shirt when her stomach growled. Very loudly. They broke apart laughing.

"Feeling peckish, Buffy?"

"Yeah, actually, I'm ravenous," Buffy giggled and waggled her brows. "I think I worked up an appetite earlier."

There was time. Time for them to explore and love later, so Spike stood and managed to still hold her close.

"Well, then," Spike joked, heading to the kitchen. "Let's go and get Lady Buffy fed before she expires on us."

"Yeah, cuz I think I'm going to need all the sustenance I can get for later," Buffy laughed.

And they disappeared into their kitchen for their first midnight snack on their first night in their first home. 

_to__ be continued…_


	28. Crazy Love

** Chapter 28 – Crazy Love**

Spike pushed the vegetables around in the frying pan even though they didn't need it. He tilted the bowl with the beaten eggs even though they were ready to be poured over the vegetables. He shook the freshly grated cheese in it's bowl even though the Wisconsin cheddar was ready to be sprinkled over the omelet when it was done. With nothing left to check on, he glanced over at Buffy perched on the counter where he'd deposited her a few minutes ago. She was brushing something off a strawberry with a delicate sweep of her finger. Her brows were furrowed as she continued to mull over the information he'd given her.  

"If you want to ask something then do it," Spike said, picking up the spatula again. He returned to pushing the vegetables around while he waited.

"I know how much Angel makes," Buffy started cautiously. "And I can't imagine that you make more than he does. So, I guess," she looked up at him through her lashes, "I don't understand how you have enough cash to just pay for this place for a year."

"It's the smuggling," Spike said, seriously. "We're using one of the holds to bring in drugs or illegal art work. It's really quite profitable. Would you like me to open an account for you at Tiffany's?"

"Asshole," Buffy said, popping the strawberry into her mouth. 

Unable to resist, Spike leaned over and kissed her, letting his tongue dart into her mouth to taste the sweetness of the fruit on her. He smiled as he turned back to his task. 

"Buffy, I've been pretty much alone for three years," Spike said, leaning on the edge of the stove so he could watch their food. "No girlfriend, home, or car to spend the money on. I wear my uniform on the ship, just need a few pairs of jeans and stuff on my days off. So, most of my pay just goes into my savings." He sighed then turned to pour the eggs over the vegetables. "Besides there's the other money."

"What other money?" She picked up another strawberry, plucked the stem off and started to inspect it.

"My mum's," Spike replied barely over a whisper. "She had a life insurance policy and there was a little bit left over from the sale of the house, too.  It didn't seem right to party on it when the only reason I got it was because she was dead. So, I put the money into some funds and stuff. This," Spike paused and waved around them to indicate the cottage. "This is different. It's an investment in our future."

Buffy's head shot up at the word future but she didn't say anything, only held her arms out to him. He glanced down at the eggs, decided they were all right, and slipped into her embrace.  She held him, running her hands over his back and then kissed his brow. He didn't want her pity but this, an offer of loving comfort he would take. It felt good to be held by someone who really gave a damn about him. Maybe he should have surrendered sooner.

"I wish I could have met your mum," Buffy said. "I'd like to thank her for raising you to be so wonderful."

"You just said I was an asshole," Spike smirked, trying to break up the seriousness before he embarrassed himself again with tears. "Or am I just a wonderful asshole."

"That too," Buffy said, grinning. She leaned back against the cabinet. "I was talking to my dad tonight about him helping me look for a car. This place is a little too far out for me to be able to walk to work or school."

Spike remained silent as he flipped the egg mixture. He was reaching for the cheese when Buffy's hand closed over his wrist.

"You have that look," Buffy accused, leaning over to peer into his face. "You're really a rotten liar so 'fess up. What's going on?"

"The car situation has been taken care of," Spike said, pulling free from her grasp. 

He wasn't supposed to say anything but he thought Buffy suspected something. He just didn't need to tell her everything. It was a surprise from Angel. His breakup with Cordelia and the realization that he probably wouldn't really live in Sunnydale again for years, prompted him to give Buffy his convertible. Angel had told Spike of his plans when they were looking at houses. They both had the same concerns that Buffy had just voiced and neither of them wanted her to be in a situation where she might be stranded.

"No," Buffy argued, "You're not going to buy me a car, too. I already told you that I want to help out as much as I can around here." She paused to take a deep breath.

Spike knew it was only the beginning of speech number three for the night. He grabbed the strawberry that was still in her hand. He waited until she opened her mouth to start in again then he pushed it into her mouth. 

"Listen, Luv," Spike said, leaning his hands on the counter on either side of her. "I'm not going to talk about it tonight. I'm not avoiding it but postponing it for another time. Can you trust me enough to drop it for now?"

Her eyes wide, she studied him for a moment, then nodded her head and began to chew.

"Thank you," Spike said, gave her a quick kiss. "Would you butter the toast? The omelet is done."

It only took a few moments for Buffy to prepare the toast while Spike cut the omelet in half and slid the halves onto separate plates. Their mimosas were added to the table before they sat across from each other.  Spike watched and waited for Buffy to try it, hoping that she would like it.

"This is good," Buffy said, swallowing the first bite of the egg concoction that Spike had prepared.

"Thank you," Spike replied, diving into his own food now that he knew Buffy was satisfied. "Anything else you want to ask me? Go ahead, anything." 

"Anything? Because that could be dangerous."

"Ahh, but I reserve the right to ask the question right back," Spike said, smiling.

"Okay. Let me think."

Buffy's eyes darted around the kitchen as if she was trying to come up with an appropriate question. Finally she shrugged and turned back to him. "What's your favorite color?" 

"Uh, Buffy…"

"Oh, black, I know that," Buffy said, giggling and smacking her head with the heel of her hand. "Mine is blue." She took another bite of food before looking back up. "What do you do to pass the time on the ship? I know you like video games and reading but anything else?"

"You mean besides wanking off?"

"Spike," Buffy squealed before wrinkling her nose. "You don't do it together do you?"

"Oh, bloody hell no," Spike said, laughing. "I'm not diddling my willy in front of everyone. Besides we all do it at different times." He grinned when her eyebrows shot up and her hand holding her fork dropped back to the table. "Angel likes to do it at night. It helps him relax. Wesley's a morning guy. Gets his motor revving for the day if you know what I mean."

"Stop, please," Buffy moaned, her hand going to cover her stomach.

"Xander is any time he can," Spike finished. 

"That is more than I ever wanted to know about my friends," Buffy said. "I hate to say it, but it sounds like them especially Xander. You did leave someone out." She leaned her chin on her hand and batted her eyelashes at him. "When do you play?"

"Anytime I think of you."

"Oh, William, you do know how to make a girl's heart go pitter patter," Buffy said, sighing dramatically.

This was what he'd always dreamed of. Spike was feeling more loved than he ever had as he leaned over to kiss those pink lips that drove him to exquisite need.

"And you, my sweet Buffy, you sure do know how to make this man burn with desire," Spike whispered against her lips.

"Spike, we're starting to get kind of barfy here," Buffy joked, but her hand softly stroked his face. "But it's a good kind of sickness." Her thumb ran over his lips. "I love you."

"I know," Spike said, nipping on the tip of her thumb. "It's a responsibility that I take very seriously." He wrapped his hand around her wrist and kissed her palm. "Eat up before it gets cold." He waited until she was eating again before starting to answer her earlier question. "Like you said, we play video games or cards. There's always a fresh supply of DVDs on board. Mostly I read. Always checking out the books stores in whatever port we're in. I read crime stuff, like James Patterson and Patricia Cornwell, or classics, like Tolkien, Hardy and poetry. Sometimes I like to write stuff too, or draw."

"Why do you lo…I mean, why do you want to be with me?" Buffy asked. "I'm kind of the typical ditzy blonde. You know, not much of a mental giant and reading isn't something that I do a lot of except for school. I do like poetry but most of the other stuff goes over my head somewhere. Usually my big past time is shopping."

"You're kidding, right?" Spike asked, reaching across the table to grasp her hands. "Don't ever put yourself down again! Do you hear me? You have the biggest heart of any person I've ever met. You take on the world for anyone you love and you have more patience for people than I ever could. Me, I would have beaten the crap out of Faith years ago and been done with it. But you stood by her, forgave her and then helped her out. Not many people are that caring. You walk into a room and it lights up. I've been told you have more regulars at The Edge than the other girl's because you take care of everyone. Like the night we came in. It wasn't just a job to you. No, you smiled and encouraged a bunch of stinky, cranky sailors who needed it. And I know it's not just us but a lot of the other guy's who come into Sunnydale on a regular basis." He tilted her chin with a finger. "And you gave up your life to take care of your mother and never resented it. That's one of the things that kept me coming back to see you. When you love, you love with everything you have."

"You make me sound like a saint," Buffy whispered. "I'm not."

"No, your not," Spike grinned. "But no one is. So, stop comparing yourself to other people. I've seen who you are and you're a very special woman."

"Thank you."

Spike handed her the fork again, gestured for her to finish the last few bites. "Tell me what you like to do besides shopping."

"Lately, there's not a lot I do besides school, work, home, the bookstore, sleep, new day."

"So, shopping is perfectly acceptable pastime then. You need something that will take you away and allow you to be selfish. But you do like the cows and you do read, at least sex books and romance novels."

Buffy giggled and it made him relax again. 

"Yeah, I like the cows. I do read that stuff when I'm at the bookstore and it's slow. If you get interrupted it's not hard to get back into. But I like to look at the travel books and dream. It's one of the things that I liked about you in the beginning. It was wonderful to listen to your stories about all the places you've been."

"I'll take you anywhere you want to go," Spike promised. "It's something that we can start planning after I'm living here all the time."

"Living here? All the time?"  

Spike ducked his head. His finger drew an invisible line along the edge of the table. It wasn't something that he'd discussed with her. It was one of those things that he'd assumed she'd want.

"Yeah, I was thinking about moving here," Spike said, glancing up at her. "I know we haven't talked about it." He shrugged. "Maybe you don't…"

If someone could be described as flying, it would have been Buffy at that moment. She was out of her seat and on his lap, with arms and legs wrapped around him and the chair, so fast that it made his head spin. 

"Yes, yes, I want you here," Buffy, raining kisses on his face and mouth. "When? How soon?"

"Whoa, pet," Spike said. His hands were on her waist to try and get distance between them. "It's not going to happen over night. Okay?" He locked eyes with her so she could see he wasn't lying to her. "I want to be here. But there's a big obstacle we have to overcome first."

"What's that?"

"I'm not a citizen of the States," Spike explained gently. "I'm British, visiting with a British passport. I can't just pick up and move here. My job allows me the right to visit when we're in port but if I give up the job then I have to get permission to be here for any length of time."

"Oh," Buffy said. She seemed crestfallen for a moment but then a smile lit up her face. "Maybe we could…"

It could have been the gleam in her eye or the way she always found solutions from books and movies but Spike knew what she was thinking. And he knew he had to put a stop to it before it was ever brought up.

"No, we're not going to get married just so I can be here," Spike said. "Don't even think that it's because I don't want to. I've thought about it but are we really ready? I can't even say the proper words to you much less stand in front of a preacher and vow it forever."

"I hate to admit it but you're right," Buffy agreed then sighed. "What are you going to do?"

"I haven't figured it out yet but I will. I'm going to have to make some phone calls and find out what's needed then we'll get to work. Okay?"

Buffy nodded. "I'll do whatever it takes to keep you here." She rocked her hips until her heat was pressing down on the erection that had been slowly growing since her landing. "Does this mean you want to do it again?"

"With you, anytime," Spike said, wrapping his hands around her bottom. "Never had it so good as with you, Luv."

"Don't lie," Buffy whispered, rubbing her nose against his. "It's okay that it wasn't…"

Spike pulled her closer against him. "It was the best, Buffy, because you loved me. I thought Dru did but what we had in no way compares to this…with you."

"I want to make love with you, Spike," Buffy whispered. She leaned closer to his ear letting her breath caress him.  "Since I have made a recent vow not to remember anything that I might have read in how-to-books, will you teach me?"

"Let go of the chair," Spike ordered, standing up with his hands under her thighs so he could carry her to their bedroom. Her request had been a gift that had sent pride surging through him. Not only had she allowed him the honor of taking her virginity but she wanted him to teach her the art of love. Gone was his fear of not being able to satisfy her because they would learn together what pleased them.

Spike pushed the bedroom door open with his foot, crossed the room in a few long strides, and then lowered Buffy to the bed. She mewled at the loss of contact between them. Her foot hooked around his knee and pulled until he crawled onto the bed between her legs. This time there would be no expectations but to be together. 

Lowering himself to kiss her Spike suddenly had the strangest feeling he was being stared at. He looked toward the windows, but didn't see any shadows.

"What's the matter?" Buffy pouted, her hands dancing across his chest.

"It must have been nothing," Spike said, returning his attention to the woman beneath him when the feeling passed over him again. He turned the other way and encountered cold, black, beady eyes staring at him in obvious contempt of his activities.

"Bloody hell," Spike groused. "What's that thing doing on the bed again? I put it in the closet."

"What?" Buffy asked, turning to follow his gaze. She smiled when she saw the stuffed pig. It was picked up and held against her breast. Her hands petted the soft, fluffy coat of the toy. "I'm sorry, Mr. Gordo," she whispered in its ear. "He didn't know." Her eyes moved to lock with Spike's. "Spike, this is Mr. Gordo and he's been my friend for a very long time. Mr. Gordo, this is Spike. He's going to be your Daddy now."

The pig was held up to Spike's face while Buffy made a kissing noise. 

_What the fuck?!_

"Buffy, get rid of that thing," Spike said, sitting back while his girlfriend returned to petting _Mr. Gordo. "I won't have it in my bed. I hate to be the one to tell you but it's time to grow up and put your toys away."_

Buffy's eyes narrowed as she looked up at him. "Mr. Gordo was given to me by my father before I even came home from the hospital. He's the only thing I'm holding onto. Thank you very much."

"Buffy, Luv," Spike said, seductively while dragging his fingertips along the inside of her thigh. "Do you really want a present from your father and that you've slept with since you were an infant watching while we make love?"

"Oh, true very true," Buffy said. She held Mr. Gordo up and wagged her finger in its face. "I'm sorry but there are things that Mommies and Daddies do that little piggies shouldn't see." She tucked him under the pillow. "I'll bring you out when we're done."

It was the wink Buffy gave him when she'd finished that let him know she had just been playing. Her laughter rang out around him as he shook his head at her. 

"Remember earlier when I was saying you weren't perfect?"

"Yes, Spikey," Buffy cooed, bringing her legs up until his hips were cradled between them.

"Well, this is a prime example because this proves you're crazy."

Never had she'd been so beautiful to him then when she threw her head back and laughed at his pronouncement. It was pure joy animating her face and all he could do was join her. They laughed until the tears ran down their faces and only smiles remained. Spike kissed her then, with all the happiness that his heart held, letting her take control and rolling them over. She sat up and stared down at him for a moment before slowly starting to pull her shirt over her head.

"Yeah, I may be crazy but you be wanting my crazy love," Buffy said.

His hand slid along her waist in a game of follow the shirt over her head. He brushed the sides of her breasts before deciding he couldn't wait anymore and tugged her down to him. The shirt was flung somewhere over his head but Spike didn't care because Buffy was dropping kisses across his chest. 

"_She gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love," Spike sang until she took his breath away again._

_to__ be continued…_


	29. Expectations

**Chapter 29 – Expectations**

Her tongue was slowly licking the taste of maple syrup from his teeth and tongue while her soft, throaty groans filled his mouth. Buffy was pushing him back against the counter; letting her body mold to his so she could have her way with him. Not that Spike was objecting or trying to get her to stop. Actually he was helping to close the gap between them. His hands were cupping her ass, lifting her until she was on her toes and positioned just right against his burgeoning erection. 

It was the perfect way to start a morning after an almost perfect night. Spike had been surprised that once Buffy had lost her expectations she had become a very curious lover. She wanted to know what everything felt like and which positions they could try. Their night had been filled with laughter, failed experiments and sweet loving orgasms after they finally found their way.

Spike pushed back on her shoulders, breaking the kiss, just because he needed to breath. She didn't go far, leaning her forehead against his cheek. Her breath was hot as she softly panted in her own need for oxygen. Wrapping his arms tighter around her, Spike was once again awestruck that she was now his in every way possible. A sense of satisfaction filled him as he acknowledged that it was a role that she seemed to be comfortable in since she had been teasing him all morning. 

"Pet, don't you think we should clean up?" Spike asked, hoping she would tell him to forget about it until later.

"We should clean," Buffy whispered, kneading his hips like a satisfied kitten. "We're beginning to look like slobs."

Spike looked over her head at the kitchen. He sighed. She was right. The dishes and pans from their midnight forage were still littering the countertop. Added to those were the ones from their pancake breakfast that Buffy had been craving and he had been more than willing to fix.

"Okay, we clean then."

Buffy giggled and hooked her leg around his to keep him from moving. 

"I said we should not that I wanted to."

It was all he needed to hear. There would be time later for chores, but now it was time for them. Not willing to deny her or him what they both wanted so much, Spike bent over and put her over his shoulder before heading back to the bedroom. Buffy giggled and beat at his ass like it was a drum set as he strode down the hallway.

"Hurry up," Buffy said, her feet swinging.

"I knew it," Spike teased, dropping her on the bed. "You just want me for sex."

"About time you figured it out," Buffy teased back as she opened her arms to welcome him to her.

Their laughter disappeared in the rush of need they felt when he stretched out next to her. Their eyes connected in an acceptance of the gift they had been given. His hands were sure as he slowly untied the belt to her pink terrycloth robe. He swallowed as he pushed the material away from the softness of her body. Buffy watched him as he gazed upon the beauty of her body. This was all it took to take him from semi-aroused to total hardness; the sight of her, unashamed, lying open for him. 

He suspected that part of her aggressiveness of the morning was an effort to please him, to show him that she did want him despite the tears of the night before. Knowing she was willing to make herself vulnerable for him reached a place deep in his soul that until then had been untouched. His fingers traced the planes of her face with reverent strokes. This time when he made love to her, he wanted it to all be for her, to give her something she hadn't had before. 

"Let me make love to you," Spike asked, bending to kiss the corner of her mouth. "Let me please you."

"You do," Buffy answered looking bewildered by his plea. "Did I do or say something wrong?"

"No, Luv, you're doing everything right."

Spike kissed his way along her jaw to her ear and sucked at the lobe until she stirred beneath him. Her fingers threaded into his hair holding him close to her as he worked his way down her neck. She lay there, holding him, letting him have control and it only added to his fire. No one had ever made him feel like a man the way Buffy did. And he wanted to make her feel like the woman she was. 

His hand lay on the curve of her hip so he could feel every vibration she made. Every kiss he placed on the satin smoothness of her flesh made her body hum to a rhythm that he wanted to dance to. He wanted to absorb her every reaction, every shudder, every sigh, so that he could remember them in all those lonely nights without her. He paid homage to the pink tip of each breast before resuming his path down her body. His plan was to make it all the way down to the sweetness that lay between her legs. 

Spike had just reached her belly button when the doorbell rang. They both froze in disbelief and frustration. 

"Whoever it is will go away," Buffy whispered. "I hope."

They waited. The doorbell rang again, then when they still didn't answer whoever it was leaned on the bell. 

"Bloody hell," Spike muttered, crawling off of Buffy. "I'll go get rid of whoever it is."

"Spike, you might want to wear a shirt."

A quick glance down revealed the telling bulge in the front of his jeans. He grabbed a shirt and pulled it over his head on the way to the front door. Hopefully, it was someone that could be dismissed quickly and he could get back to Buffy before the mood was shattered. He opened the door and sighed when he saw Faith and Wesley. He wasn't going to get back to Buffy anytime soon.

"Hey, dude," Faith said, smiling as she pranced pass him into the hallway. "We need to talk to you and Buffy."

"Hello, Spike," Wesley said as he sheepishly followed Faith into the house. "I'm sorry if we're interrupting something."

"Of course we're interrupting them," Faith said, tapping a tune on Spike's chest with her open hands. "They got their house and a clean bill of health. So, I'm guessing you got the pie after all." 

Faith grinned up at him but there was no malice in her joking just honest affection. Spike grinned back at her but refused to verify Faith's suspicions. She shrugged at his lack of cooperation and headed toward the hallway. She stopped at the corner.

"Hey, B, get some clothes on your skinny ass and come out here," Faith hollered. "We're not leaving until we've talked to you both."

"Faith, maybe we should just leave them alone…" Wesley started but was silenced by one arched brow from his girlfriend. "Or maybe not."

"Whipped much," Spike observed, smiling at his friend. 

"Hmm, the rewards are worth it though," Wesley commented, pulling Faith into his arms.

"I agree there," Spike said looking up as Buffy wandered out to join them. 

"Hey, guys," Buffy said, smiling amiably at their guests but she stayed several feet away from Spike.

Spike eyed her curiously. She was dressed in jeans and a long sleeve sweater. A belt was even fastened around her waist. Buffy looked at him for a moment but quickly turned away.

_She's embarrassed that they know…_

"Let's go in the living room," Spike said, deciding he should be protective of Buffy's feelings. "We can talk in there."

Spike led the way into the living with the others following. Faith and Wesley settled on the couch while Buffy sat in the large side chair. Spike sat on the arm of the chair with his arm around the back. It was either there or telling the other couple to scoot over so Spike took his chance with Buffy. He was thankful that it didn't seem to bother her and he relaxed even more when she leaned into his side.

_Maybe I was imagining it…_

"We'd like for the two of you to go to dinner with us tonight," Wesley asked, looking from Spike to Buffy, "And that 'us' includes, Faith's parents and Angel."

"Yeah," Faith said, leaning forward. "We figured you owe us with the whole stealing our thunder last night."

"Us? Steal your thunder?" Buffy said, smiling. "Like you weren't grateful for an excuse to put it off for a night and not have to deal with the consequences yet."

"No, it was you," Faith replied. "All deciding to live together and giving everyone something to talk about this morning. I mean everybody is asking, 'Did they do it yet? Or is the poor man still waiting?'"

"No comment," Spike quipped, hoping to relieve Buffy of any further discomfort. "I take it you want us to go along for moral support."

"The hell with that," Faith said. "We need protection."  
  


"It's Angel," Wesley said. "He knows that we, well, were together but he doesn't know about the baby yet."

Spike had caught Buffy and Faith talking in hushed tones the night before at the party. They had quickly filled him in on the news but had requested that he remain quiet until everyone who should know first knew. It was a simple enough thing to do for his friends and he had agreed. 

"Do you really think he's going to be pissed?" Spike asked. "What about your father?"

Faith rolled her eyes and settled closer to Wes. "My father is going to be so relieved at the engagement part that anything coming after that will be anti-climatic. I'll be a proper woman and won't embarrass him anymore by being the talk of the town." She plucked at Wes's hand, running her finger along his before looking back. "Angel's always been like Mr. Protective. Always thinking everything is his fault. I may be off but I don't think he's going to be pissed as much as feeling like he failed me somehow."

"Yeah," Buffy said. "I agree with you. He shouldn't though because you're happy now but yeah, I think he's going to take it hard."

"We'll be there then," Spike said. "See what we can do to make things go a little easier on everyone."

The next few minutes were spent making arrangements to meet that night at a local upscale restaurant. Soon after that Wes and Faith left, saying they wanted to give Spike and Buffy the privacy to resume what they had been doing before being interrupted.

"We're alone again," Spike said, wrapping his arms around Buffy's waist. He walked them backwards toward the couch. "I think we should take their advice and continue." He placed his knee on the couch so he could lay Buffy down without letting go of her. 

"Spike, it's getting late and we've got things we need to do."

"Please, Buffy," Spike said, licking her neck while his hand went to the buckle of her belt. "I've been trying all morning to be with you."

"Is this the way it's going to be?" Buffy asked, even though her hands were running along his back. "You wanting to have sex all the time?"

"I don't exactly want sex right now," Spike said, cupping her bottom. He nipped her ear. "I want to go down on you."

"Isn't that romantic."

"It's better than saying I want to eat you out."

"Eew, off," Buffy said, pushing at his shoulders.  

"What do you want me to say?" Spike asked, rising up on one hand but not getting off of her. "Buffy, may I perform cunnilingus on you?"

Buffy blinked her eyes at him like she was trying to keep tears at bay. It made him feel like a heel which really only made him defensive.

"What did I do now?" Spike asked, but his fingers were gentle as he brushed a strand of stray hair off her face.

"I don't know," Buffy said. "Last night and earlier, you were funny and romantic and sweet. Now, it's like you only care about getting laid. And you didn't even care that they knew that we've done it."

"I don't really," Spike said, and then shrugged. "If they know, they know. 

"Maybe we should send out announcements," Buffy said.  "William Nagle has taken Buffy Anne Summers' virginity."

"Too formal," Spike teased. "How about Spike bagged the girl and added a new notch to his bedpost?"

"How Neanderthal," Buffy said, pushing at him again. "Is that how you feel? Was I just another conquest?"

Sighing, he let her push him up into a sitting position. For a moment he leaned his head back on the couch. It seemed like a fight was brewing whether he wanted one or not. It was a surprise when Buffy straddled him, crossed her arms and stared at him. Unsure of what was going on with her, he decided to take his chances and rested his hands on her hips. She didn't object but then again she didn't say anything either. She was waiting for an answer to a question he knew he had already answered. 

"It was a joke," Spike explained. "Do I really need to answer that?"

"No, you don't," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I'm just…I don't know…overly sensitive to jokes about the whole thing right now."

Maybe there wasn't going to be a fight after all, Spike was relieved to note. Plus she had given him an opening to ask the question that had been on his mind since she had walked out of the bedroom.

"Are you really embarrassed or ashamed for people to know that we're lovers now?"

"No, it's not that," Buffy said, shrugging. "I don't know it's just a little uncomfortable right now. I'm still getting used to it myself without having to deal with the whole world knowing and commenting. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah," Spike said. "I guess after awhile you just accept that everyone knows that you've had sex just like you know they have sex. It's kind of like going to the bathroom, you do it, you just don't talk about it to everyone."

Buffy nodded. "Was it awkward for you after the first time?"

"It was more than awkward," Spike said, lacing his hands behind his head. It was taking everything he had to stay where he was and have this conversation. The only thing keeping him there was knowing that Buffy needed this.  "She went back to her boyfriend and told everyone I was a lousy lay. It took me awhile to even want to try again."

"So, Cecily was your first and that was back in high school," Buffy said, her arms finally relaxing. She rested her hands on his chest as she leaned a little closer to him.  "And I know about Drusilla and Harmony but how many others have you been with?"

"Others?" Spike laughed. "Only women, only women." He grew quiet for a moment as he contemplated the woman on his lap. "Are you sure you want to talk about this?"

Buffy nodded. 

"There hasn't been a lot," Spike said honestly.  He had been too bruised after Cecily to want to try again and after Drusilla, he had only sought out companionship when his loneliness was too great or his needs were too strong. "Less than…ten."

Buffy's brows shot up and her mouth turned down. "And how many is that?"

Spike sighed. "I haven't been in a relationship in three years so every once in awhile, I'd pick someone up. No commitment, just someone to be with, to…"

"Get laid," Buffy finished. 

"Not always that, pet, sometimes even men need someone to hold and talk to."

"I can understand that. There have been times when I would just ache to have someone be there for me. Someone to talk to…"

"Someone to make love to you?"

"Yeah," Buffy said. "Sometimes I wondered what I was waiting for. That maybe I should just accept some of the offers from the guys at the bar."

"I'm glad you didn't," Spike said, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. "It would have changed you into someone that you don't want to be. And I like you the way you are."

"Is it really different having sex with strangers?" Buffy asked, looking uncomfortable. "I mean does it feel differently?"

"Yeah, it does Buffy," Spike said. "If I didn't know it before, I do now. I told you last night that being with you was the best because you love me. I feel safe enough with you that I don't feel like I have to be perfect."

"You are perfect," Buffy whispered, kissing him. "And I still think your exes deserve a beat down for hurting you." 

"Thank you," Spike said, feeling a warm glow infuse him. It was amazing but he just kept falling deeper in love with this girl. 

She turned her eyes down and plucked at his shirt. Finally she sighed. "Since we're talking and everything there's something I've wanted to ask you. Did you ever cheat on Drusilla? Not that I would blame you but…"

"No, I never…cheated on her," Spike said, looking away from her. He squirmed because the conversation was getting into things he didn't want to discuss with Buffy. There were things that he didn't really want her to know but didn't want to lie to her either. He knew he was in trouble when she turned him back to face her. She didn't ask but waited as if she knew there was something that he wasn't telling her. "Look, pet, there were circumstances that I don't want to talk about. Things I'm not particularly proud of."

"Oh," Buffy said. She caressed his cheek with her fingers then she shrugged. "If you don't want to talk about it then you don't have to."

"Thank you," Spike said, letting his finger stroke her hips. "But you'd like me to tell you, wouldn't you?"

"I love you. It's not going to change by something you did in the past."

"That's a lie," Spike said. "There are a lot of things that I could tell you that would make you run for the hills." He sighed then swallowed as he rationalized whether to tell her or not. In the end he did. If they were going to make a life together then she deserved the truth. "You know that things with Drusilla were a little wild. The partying, drugs, drinking," he stopped long enough to judge whether Buffy was freaking or not. Satisfied that she was okay so far he continued. "And you know that she cheated on me. She liked variety and well, there were a couple of times that she brought her best friend home with us."

Buffy looked confused for a second then her eyes grew wide when she figured out what he meant.

"Did you," Buffy cleared her throat before continuing. "Did you enjoy it?"

"Yeah, it felt good at the time but in the morning it left kind of an empty feeling. I was in love and she wanted to have fun."

"So, it's not something you'd want to do again?"

Spike looked up at Buffy trying to determine the motive for her question. Was it something she was curious about? Did she want to try it sometime? But all he saw was uncertainty and a trace of fear. He cupped her face and pulled her closer to him.

"Listen to me, Buffy," Spike said. "You know how I feel about you and I know that you love me. No, I don't want to share you and I won't share you. It hurts to even think about it. Being with you is not about sex or getting laid. If that's all I wanted then I wouldn't be here, this deeply involved and committed. Yeah, I like sex. I love sex with you and sometimes yeah, I may be chasing you because I'm horny but I'm sure there are times when you'll do the same. Just don't forget its part of the package of being with someone."

"You think I'm silly, don't you?"

"No, baby, I don't. You have a right to know what I expect and want from you." Spike kissed the tip of her nose then the corner of her mouth. "And I still want to go down on you."

"Now?"

Spike pulled her closer to him. "Unless there's something else that you want to ask me, but personally I'd rather be communicating some other way."

"Sounds good to me," Buffy giggled as she pulled them so they were lying on the couch again. "Just make sure that it feels good if you want me to return the favor."

"Don't doubt the mouth that you love so much," Spike told her reaching for the belt buckle again. Buffy had whispered to him sometime during the night that his mouth was her favorite part of his body. He changed her mind after that but she said his mouth was still second.

"Never, I have full faith in your abilities."

Spike kissed her stomach as he eased her zipper down. He rose to his knees to get her jeans off and just as he was easing them over her bottom, the doorbell rang again.

"Oh, balls," Spike said, glancing at his watch. "It's Angel. I forgot about him coming over."

Buffy crawled out from under him, pulled her jeans up and headed for the hall. She glanced over her shoulder at him as he got up to follow her.

"Well, gee, I guess I won't have to perform fellatio on you anytime soon," Buffy said. "Since you can't get me satisfied…"

His eyes flew open at her teasing comment. It wasn't something that he could let go. Spike started after her but she saw what he was doing, yelped and took off at a run. He caught her as she was opening the front door and they ended up in a laughing heap at Angel's feet.

_to be continued…_


	30. Torn Between Them

**Chapter 30 – Torn Between Them**

_When did everything change?_

Buffy half lay under the man who had taken her virginity while staring up at the man who had given her, her first orgasm.  The memory of that first time washed over her with such clarity she could almost feel Angel's fingers between her legs.

_It was in August, right before their senior year and Oz was throwing the last party of the summer. They had been partying all day, drinking, laughing and flirting. Oh, Lord, could Angel tease when he wanted and they were both dateless so he had been by her side all day. Neither of them dressed in much, him in shorts and a t-shirt, she in short skirt and tank top, both having lots of skin exposed to the sun and each other. Every time he passed her he had touched her, a gentle stroke on her arm, a tug on her ponytail or the cupping of her bottom. She didn't know what had gotten into him but she had liked it. She had liked it so much that when dusk had fallen she led him upstairs to one of the bedrooms. This boy-man she had known all her life wanted her. But they had never done this before and she had never thought it could exist outside of her pubescent fantasies. His kisses were hungry, needy and she had given him everything back. Given him access while they lay on someone's bed, her shirt pulled down so he could suckle her breast and her skirt around her waist. His fingers buried between her legs, taking her places she'd never been before, showing her what it could be like between a man and a woman. _

"You okay, pet," Spike asked, his fingers gently touching her arm.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Buffy responded, shaking the memory from her mind. 

Angel knew what she was thinking. He always did. His eyes were dark with the same memory and the sad look of someone who had lost. _Cordelia._ Buffy pushed Spike off of her and stood. It wasn't right for them to be acting like giddy teenagers in front of him when he had just broken up with his girlfriend. 

"You two having fun?" Angel asked, smiling as he looked between them.

"Enough," Spike said, looking confused as he got up from the floor. 

Maybe somehow he knew what she needed. Maybe he had learned to trust her.

"Look, you two, I'm going to take a shower," Spike said. He kissed Buffy on the cheek, nodded at Angel, and left them alone.

It was awkward for a second. Angel knew that she and Spike were lovers. The world seemed to be spinning around them as Buffy tried to read her emotions. They were all mixed up and confused. Somehow seeing her friend had made her nostalgic for something that had never been. Or maybe it was suddenly realizing she had done the one thing she swore she would never do, fall in love with a sailor. It was the excuse she had used to run from the intensity of the relationship with Angel. For an entire year they had played with fire, figuring out ways to bring each other to satisfaction without having intercourse or oral sex. It was a past she had yet to share with Spike.

Buffy was horrified at the thought that suddenly crossed her mind. Maybe she had fallen in love with Spike to try to relive her relationship with Angel and bring about a different outcome.

"You were never in love with me," Angel said.

Suddenly everything was clear again and Buffy threw herself into his arms. It felt good to be held by the friend and protector that Angel had always been. Since she had been with Spike she rarely spent any time with Angel. She missed him, his wisdom, his support and now she needed him more than ever. Pulling back, she rose on her toes and kissed the corner of his mouth. Thankful to Spike for giving her a few moments with her friend, she took him by the hand, detouring through the kitchen to grab sodas before taking them to the back porch. They settled in chairs next to each other.

"Was he good to you, Buffy?"

"Yes," Buffy answered, feeling the flush creep over her cheeks. "He was very good to me even when it hurt him to be."

"What happened?"

"I…it was just," Buffy stopped and turned away for a moment before locking gazes with Angel. "Why didn't you tell me the truth of what it's really like?"

"What and scare you off of sex forever?" Angel asked with a sardonic laugh. "You've been running for so long I figured any thought that it wouldn't be roses and wine and you'd become a nun."

"Don't be like that, Angel. Did you stop caring?" Buffy asked, wrapping her hand around his wrist. "Because you seem to have been big on getting us together. Did you want someone else to take responsibility for me, so that you would be free to walk away?"

"I haven't walked away. I'm right here."

Buffy sighed and leaned her head back on the chair. He was right. Angel was where he had always been. It was her that had walked away, gotten involved with someone and had left her childhood friend behind. But wasn't that what happened when you grew up? Spike had done more than become her boyfriend; he had been the catalyst for her taking those last few steps into adulthood.

"I'm sorry," Buffy said. "I'm the one who seems to have neglected you."

Angel shrugged and reached over to take her hand. "No, you haven't. Not anymore than I've neglected you. So, what happened?"

"I guess I forgot that there was reality involved," Buffy explained, looking down. "And I freaked on him when he left."

"Left? Where did he go?" Angel asked then laughed because she was blushing again. "Oh, that. Well, at least he didn't drop it next to the bed."

Buffy blush grew deeper. Guys could be just so crude sometimes. What was it with them and their simple ways of putting things? But was it any cruder than Spike's new habit that made her laugh when he did it?

"Well," Buffy shared, grinning in spite of the hotness of her face. "Now, every time he leaves he yells 'condom run' really loud so I know I'm not being deserted."

"Every time? Just how many times have the two of you done it?" Angel asked, but then quickly closed his eyes tight. "TMI, I don't want to know."

"Oh, why not?" Buffy giggled, enjoying the discomfiture of her friend. This wasn't the kind of conversation she usually had with Angel. This was normally Willow, female best friend, kind of talk but Angel was here and she was having fun turning the tables for once. "Don't you want to hear all the details?" Buffy teased making Angel squirm. "Like how I tried to do this spinny thing and almost fell on my head on the floor?"

"What the fuck? Are you two into handcuffs already too?"

"No, just scarves," Buffy said, very primly. "And this cherry tasting stuff…"

"Funny, Summers, funny," Angel said, when he finally realized he was being teased. 

"Oh, just trying to make up for hearing about all those girls you've conquered and the many finer methods of seduction you use."

"I'm a prince," Angel said, trying to look stern. "I never treat women with such callous and casual tactics."

"Bullshit," Buffy retorted, and her rarely used expletive cracked them both up. 

They were both still laughing when Spike stepped out onto the patio. He looked wary as he looked at them both but seemed to relax when Buffy held her hand out to him. 

"Come here," Buffy said. "Angel is trying to tell me what a gentlemen he is." Spike settled on the edge of her chair and she draped her legs over his lap. "So, what is the game plan for the day, guys? It seems the two of you have been planning something behind my back."

"Oh, I've just got a little present for you," Angel said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his car keys. "These are for you."

Buffy recognized them. They had been a part of her life for years. She hesitated for a moment before taking them from him. It was one more thing that would change her life, one more thing that would keep her from ever going back to the way things were. It was one more thing taking Angel away from her because it meant he wasn't planning on coming home as often even if he would never admit it. Her hand closed around the small pieces of metal and she could almost hear another door close.

~~~~~~~~

Buffy had first decided that happily ever after was a lie. It didn't exist. 

She stabbed her foot into the toe of her pantyhose. Spike spit and she looked up with a grimace to watch him spit another wad of toothpaste out. Couldn't he close the door when he did that? And did he have to brush his teeth in the nude? His dick kept swinging and hitting the counter. Didn't it hurt? Second conclusion of the evening; living with someone meant you had every excuse to just be gross. What had happened to modesty?

"Damn it," Buffy bit out. She had ripped the hose because she was too busy being bitchy about something she already knew. Spike did almost everything he could in the nude or in as little clothing as possible. Why was it bothering her now? In the clandestine days of their relationship it had been titillating to watch him walk around in the all together. Now, that they'd had sex and were living together it was irritating the crap out of her.

Buffy sighed as she stomped over to the dresser to find another pair. Spike's habits weren't really what were bothering her. It was the fact that they had been sniping at each other all afternoon and his habits were just giving her another reason to stay mad at him.

The idyllic few hours of their first after sex glow had dissipated at the Auto Registration office. It was the first stop of the afternoon because Angel had decided that she could get everything legal and then drive them around the rest of the afternoon to get used to the car. That was fine but she had kept asking questions and she had kept asking Angel. It was his car; he knew the laws and about insurance and seemed the logical person to ask. Apparently Spike hadn't thought so because he'd thrown up his hands, muttering something about a smoke and left them standing in line.

_"Are you finished sulking," Buffy teased, when she and Angel had finally finished putting the car in her name._

_"Wasn't sulking," Spike said, walking off toward the car._

_"What is you're deal?" Buffy asked, following after him and ignoring Angel's gestures to remain calm. _

_"Oh, nothing," Spike said, whirling around to face her. "It's just all of a sudden Spike isn't worth anything. It's 'Oh, Angel this or Oh, Angel that'."_

_"I was asking him questions about his car," Buffy yelled, ignoring the looks of people passing by. "It's not like you'd know. You're British remember."_

_"Oh, typical Yank response," Spike shouted. "I'm from the mother country and have to be so bloody stupid that I wouldn't know anything about driving a fucking car." He had jumped in the back seat of the convertible and turned his head away from her._

_"I didn't say that," Buffy said. "Fine, you know what, be that way." She climbed in the car and slammed the door shut. "I don't care if you bloody pout all day. Damn insecure…"_

_Angel had slid into the passenger side trying his best to ignore them both. The topper for that moment had been when she hadn't seen a car when she was pulling out. Both men had screamed at her to stop, making her so nervous that she ended up stalling the car. _

_"What the hell were you thinking, Angel," Spike asked, sarcasm dripping from every word, "Giving a car to someone who obviously can't drive?"_

Buffy was shifting through her drawer looking for a decent pair of pantyhose when Spike came out of the bathroom. He gave her one of 'those' looks that said how much of a child he thought she was being. Fuming, she grabbed a new pair instead of searching for an old one and headed back to the bed.

"Are you going to be like this all night?" Spike asked, yanking his boxers up around his waist and reaching for his pants. "Because I don't think it's going to be much help to Wes and Faith if we're fighting."

"I'm not fighting with you," Buffy said, sniffing. "I just think you're an arrogant jerk who thinks he can read my mind."

"Maybe because I can…"

_They had just left the bank after opening a joint bank account for Spike and her. It was silly she knew but she was feeling all grown up because they had both made deposits into 'their' account. And they had ordered checks with both their names on them to pay their bills. They had a house together and now they were going shopping for dress clothes for Spike. For the first time she really felt like an adult and then one comment had deflated everything._

_"I'm going to add your name to my credit card account and get you your own card," Spike said casually as they walked into the mall._

_"A joint account?" Buffy asked._

_"No, my account," Spike said. "It's one in with my other personal accounts."_

_"I don't want it," Buffy had bit out trying to remain calm. Spike and she had already talked about his other bank accounts that would remain in his name only, separate from the household account. Just like they had agreed that she would continue to have her own accounts. She had made peace with them sharing an account for the house but she didn't want to take anything from him beyond that. Her independence was still important to her._

_"I'll feel better knowing you have it," Spike said, throwing his arm around her shoulder._

_"I'm not a little girl that can't take care of herself," Buffy argued, pulling away from him. "I did just fine before you came along."_

_"Yeah, I know," Spike said. "But you have a car now and the house to take care of. I know the repairs the landlord will take care of but there are still other expenses that might crop up that you'll need extra money for."_

_"I'll handle it."_

_"Buffy," Spike said, stopping her with his hand on her arm. "Don't be prideful. You're still helping your parents out and who else are you going to ask money from? Angel? He'll be with me halfway around the world."_

_"Oh, yeah I forgot," Buffy spat. "I need a man to take care of me. And the two who always do have run away from home to live the wonderful life on the sea."_

_It hadn't hit her until then that she was losing her best friend to her boyfriend. Spike was right. The two men she counted on were never around, they were together somewhere on the other side of the planet._

_"What? Are you jealous?" Spike asked. "But are you jealous because I'm with Angel or is it that Angel is with me?"_

_It had infuriated her that he did know her. She had left herself so open that he knew the exact words to hurt her the most. So, she had attacked Angel, the one that was being torn between them._

_"Oh, I just bet that you'll hear all the gory details from him," Buffy said. "You won't get all icked out and you'll beg to hear every moment of how he bagged the girl, and added another notch to his bedpost."_

Buffy plopped down on the bed. She was ashamed of how she was acting and knew that she had to pull it together before they went to dinner. Maybe, somewhere, she didn't want the last few hours together to be perfect. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much when he left in the morning. 

"Get it together, Buffy," Buffy muttered to herself. 

"Here," Spike said, kneeling in front of her. He took the pantyhose from her hands, rested her foot on his leg, and slipped them over her toes.

"Have you ever put them on anyone before?"

"No, you're my first. Well, I have put tights on my nieces before."

"You have nieces?" Buffy asked. "You never told me that. I thought you didn't have any family at all."

"No, I have a cousin, Emily," Spike said, smoothing the hose along her calf before reaching for the other leg. "The girls are hers. I guess they'd be seven and ten now. Haven't seem them in years. Last time I was there I wasn't in the best of shape and Em threw me out. Told me not to come back until I could act right. It's been almost four years now."

"Are you ever going to see her again?"

"Yeah, we're going to be in Europe this run," Spike explained. "I thought I'd drop in and see her."

It came to Buffy then. Why she was out of sorts and not dealing with all the changes. Spike and she had made it through the courtship, making love the first time and moving in together. He had promised to give up the sea but what if he decided he wanted to go home to England? What if they couldn't find a way for him to be here legally? What if they were like so many other couples and found that after awhile they weren't compatible? What if somewhere along the way they just let go?

She ran her fingers through his hair. "Are we going to make it, Spike?"

He didn't look up, he didn't hesitate, he just simply said, "I don't know, baby, I don't know."

_to be continued…_


	31. Steps

**Chapter 31 - Steps**

The maitre d' led the way through the main dining room and out into the small courtyard area. Buffy followed him, carefully walking over the bricked area, feeling protected by the feel of Spike's hand on her lower back. She hesitated for a second to let her eyes readjust to the dim lighting of the garden. There were twinkling strands of white lights overhead meant to give the impression of being under the stars and the only other illumination was the small lamp on each table. 

Blinking rapidly, Buffy took off after the small man that was disappearing around a corner. Spike's arm slipped around her waist to give her more support as they walked. After turning the corner they could see their friends already gathered around a large round table in the corner. 

"Oh, my," Buffy mumbled upon seeing Faith. 

The other woman was dressed in a simple black shift dress. Her long brunette locks were piled on top of her head while ringlets fell gracefully around her face. It was a totally different look for Faith who usually lived in jeans and tight tops.  It gave her the appearance of the mature woman she was trying to convince her family that she was. Unconsciously, Buffy smoothed down the front of her black on white floral print dress.  

"You are the most exquisite woman in the entire place," Spike whispered in her ear as he pulled her a little tighter to him.

All the irritation she had been holding onto disappeared in a rush of love for the man beside her. She managed to flash a smile at him before the O'Connor's and Wesley rose to greet them. There were a lot of hugs and kisses on the cheek before Buffy and Spike were directed to their chairs. On Buffy's right was Faith's mother, Kate and next to her was her husband, Liam. Across from them was Angel with Faith beside him. In between Faith and Spike was Wesley.

There was already a bottle of wine open and before they could accept or refuse, glasses were poured for them both. Appetizers were quickly ordered while Liam quizzed the men on the ship and the latest run. Buffy caught Faith's eyes rolling as the talk about business continued. Faith was too far away to chit chat with so Buffy accepted the concerned questions from Kate about her relationship with Spike. Were they committed? What did she know about Spike?

Before the questioning could become too personal and uncomfortable, the first course was placed on the table. Buffy wrinkled her nose at the escargot that Spike had ordered and primly turned to her own shrimp cocktail. She tried to ignore the appetizer that Spike was eating. A hand wrapped around her wrist just as she going to place a shrimp in her mouth. Spike pulled it toward him and ate the small morsel.

"Have a bite, pet," Spike said, bringing a forkful of escargot towards her.

"No, I don't think so," Buffy said, pulling back as the others laughed. "It looks gross."

"Oh, come on, best thing you'll ever put in your mouth," Spike promised, waggling his brows.

"Are you chicken, Buffy?" Angel asked in the same voice that once got her into a lot of trouble with the dares he gave her. 

"Yeah, Buffy, come on," Faith taunted. "This is your week for trying new things. May as well give it a whirl, you might like it."

It was Buffy's turn to roll her eyes as she allowed Spike to put the small piece of slime into her mouth. She chewed it for a moment then she decided she liked it but she wasn't about to let Spike off so easily.

"Like it, don't you?" Spike asked.

"Not bad," Buffy said. "But I hope it won't be the best thing that ever goes in my mouth."

The others broke out in laughter at her words and it took Buffy a moment to realize the double meaning of her words. Her face turned bright red as the embarrassment washed over her. 

"Oh, God, girl," Liam chortled. "I'm beginning to think someone put a spell on you and Faith to switch your personalities or something. I mean with you talking like that and my little girl wearing an engagement ring."

"A ring?" Buffy squealed, turning to Faith. "I can't believe I didn't see it and you didn't show me. Let me see…"

Faith bashfully pulled her hand out from under the table and extended her hand. Buffy turned it toward the small lamp so she could look at it better.

"Good job, Wesley," Buffy said, admiring the princess cut diamond ring. "It's gorgeous. Isn't it Spike?"

Spike leaned over; placing his hand on Buffy's to turn Faith's so that he could see the ring. His thumb ran over the stone before looking up at Faith. "It is quite the diamond you have there. Wesley must really love you."

"I do," Wesley said, putting his arm around Faith's shoulders and hugging her to him. "Very much so."

Faith pulled her hand back so that she could lean into her fiancé. 

"Maybe we should go ahead and tell them," Faith said, wrapping her hand around Wesley's arm. 

"Tell us what?" Angel said. 

Wesley and Faith looked so completely in love and happy as they exchanged a look that was so intimate that Buffy had to look away. She knew that look. It was one that she had seen on Spike's face so many times when he gazed at her. Needing to feel the connection between them, Buffy wrapped her hand around his. Spike squeezed it and ran his thumb along the back of her hand. 

"Well, Faith and I," Wesley said, placing his hand over the one on his arm. "Not only are we engaged but we have other good news. We're both very happy about it and hope that you will be too."

Buffy turned her gaze to Angel and crossed the fingers on her free hand. She said a quick prayer that he would take it as the joyful news that the engaged couple felt it was. Faith had taken so many positive steps. She didn't need a guilt trip from her brother to bring her down. 

"We're going to have a baby," Faith blurted when Wesley hesitated. "Well, I'm having the baby but Wesley is the father."

No one spoke for a moment as the information was absorbed. It was hard to gauge how everyone felt from their expression. It was Liam that spoke first. 

"Is the engagement only because of the baby?"

"No, sir," Wesley said. "I've loved your daughter for a very long time. She has made me very happy by consenting to be my wife. I promise I will do everything that I can to make her happy."

"Baby girl, is this what you want?"

Faith nodded her head.

"Well, then that's enough for me," Mr. O'Connor boomed. "Congratulations. Now let's find that waiter and get some champagne."

The tension eased away as Faith and her parents started to discuss the couple's plans for the future. Angel remained silent as he stared down at his plate. Buffy touched his leg with her foot to get his attention. He looked up at her and she could see the emotions warring in his eyes. It was as she thought. Guilt covered his face and she said a prayer that he wouldn't ruin the night for his sister and friend.

~~~~~~~

Spike loosened his tie on his way to the back porch where Angel and Wesley were waiting for him. He crossed through the living room, noting Buffy and Faith curled up on the couch talking about weddings and babies. It was surprising that a shudder of fear didn't pass through him at the thought. Had it been only months ago that he was determined to remain single for the rest of his life? It didn't seem possible to associate that man with who he was now.

Buffy smiled at him as he opened the door to go outside. He blew her a kiss before stepping onto the deck. It had been a relief that dinner had remained a festive affair even with Angel's quiet demeanor. His parents hadn't really seemed to notice or had chalked it up to his breakup with Cordelia. The others knew and that was why Buffy and he had invited them over after dinner. It was a case of divide and conquer as Buffy kept Faith inside so the two males could speak to Angel. 

"Here you go," Spike said, handing bottles of beer to his companions. He took a seat in the chair next to Wesley while Angel continued to stand at the railing. "So, what's up, Angel?"

"I think I should be asking the two of you that," Angel said, turning around to face them while leaning back against the rail. He popped the lid of his beer and took a long drink. "What are your plans for them?" He glanced up at the two women through the glass of the French door.

"I thought that was what tonight was about," Wesley said. "I guess the only thing that I haven't told you yet is that this is going to be my last run. Faith and I spent the day sending out resumes for me. Hopefully, I'll be able to procure a position that will enable Faith to make a choice as to whether she wants to stay home with the baby or not."

"Are you happy about the baby?" Angel asked. "The truth, man to man, or is it a responsibility that you are dreading?"

"What is there to dread?" Wesley asked, straightening in his chair. His eyes never wavered from Angel's. "I love this child already and I'm ecstatic at the thought of being a father."

Apparently it was the answer he was looking because Angel's lips curved ever slightly as he nodded. He turned his gaze to Spike who shifted uncomfortably under his scrutiny for a second. 

"What is all this about?" Spike asked, refusing to state promises that he hadn't even made to Buffy yet. "I can't figure out if you're pissed off or feeling guilty."

"Well, I'm pissed off that I have to put up with newbie's," Angel said, laughing a bit. "Somehow they always bring bad luck and I've got one on this run because of Xander. Next time I'll have one because of Wesley. Next thing you'll be telling me that you're going to become a land lubber too."

"Not sure when but, yeah, sometime," Spike said. "I have to check into some stuff, but the plan is for me to stay here with Buffy."

"Must be that spinny thing she does, huh?" Angel asked, grinning. "She must have perfected the move after she almost fell on her head."

"What spinny thing?" Wesley asked, looking back and forth between the two men.

Spike looked up at Angel in surprise. He had no clue what the other man was talking about but assumed that it had something to do with his and Buffy's sex life. She had to have made up some kind of story to bug her friend or to try and impress him.  Deciding to play along, he smirked up at Angel, settled into his chair a little more and rubbed his stomach.

"Yeah, it was pretty impressive," Spike agreed, hoping he didn't say the wrong thing and mess up the story. "The only thing is when I grabbed her to keep her from falling I ended up with a face full of ass."

The other two men laughed at his explanation. 

"I always thought her ass was one of her better features," Angel said.

It had started off as a joke but it ended up turning on Spike as Angel's words sliced through his heart. It was a bitter reminder that Angel had loved Buffy first and the two still shared things that he could never be privy to. There were questions he had never been brave enough to ask Buffy. They were things that were eating at him. In a lot of ways he was scared to find out the truth, but yet, not to know was becoming more painful every day.

"How close did you and Buffy get?"

"What do you mean?" Angel asked, turning around so that he was facing the ocean again.

"You know exactly what I mean."

"Spike, some things maybe you shouldn't ask," Wesley said. "I don't think I could handle certain details about Faith's past."

"Yeah," Spike said, laughing derisively. "If I could put it behind me, maybe it would work, but it's always there and my imagination is constantly mocking me."

It was a big confession but Spike had decided that it was time for taking risks. He knew he shouldn't wonder, and he didn't want to, but sometimes holding Buffy he would worry that she was comparing him to Angel. Comparing him and finding him lacking. 

"Spike," Angel said. "Buffy loves you. Not me." He stopped and sighed. "It's something you need to ask her not me if you really need to know."

"I know," Spike said, "It's just…"

"Sometimes when you're holding her and she seems to be somewhere else," Wesley said. "You wonder who and what she's thinking about, but you're too scared of the answer to ask."

"Yeah, exactly," Spike said, nodding his head.

"You're both fucking crazy," Angel said, angrily as he faced them. "The two of you should be kissing the ground they're walking on and doing everything you can to make sure they never leave."

"Oh, God, Angel," Wesley said. "I'm sorry. You're right. That was pretty rude of us to be going on about our lack of confidence when…"

"I was stupid enough to let Cordelia go," Angel said, draining his beer and putting the bottle on the railing. "And this is where the guilt comes in."

"Guilt for what?" Spike asked.

"Guilt for being selfish," Angel said, running his hand over his face. "I've got a bad case of 'be careful what you wish for' syndrome. I had all these responsibilities here. Kept bitching to myself about it and now they're all gone. It hurts like hell to suddenly be responsible for no one."

"Yeah, but they've all moved on," Spike said. "They're all happy and that leaves you free to do what you want. And it leaves them free from feeling guilty about holding you back."

Angel nodded as he seemed to mull over what Spike had said. Maybe it was what he had just said or the restlessness that he had always sensed in Angel but Spike knew that there was about to be another change in their lives. 

"I'm going to speak with personnel at the home office in London," Angel said. "See, about getting a transfer to a ship that sails from there."

"You ready to leave home behind?" Wesley asked.

"It's like Spike said, I'm free to do what I want now. The only thing I have left is my career and I may as well give it everything I have. Start taking college correspondence courses again to finish getting my degree. Keep my nose to the grindstone and move where there is better chance at advancement."

"Is it what you want?" Buffy asked. 

The men had been so intent on their conversation that they hadn't heard the girls open the door. They turned to look at Buffy and Faith as they walked out to join them.

"Yeah, Buffy, it is," Angel said. "Its better I get out of your lives. Quit this thing of trying to take care of everybody and let you live your lives. I'll just have to leave these two lists so that you and Faith have everything you want and need."

"Like making sure she has her Jujufruits at the movies," Spike said. 

"Yeah," Angel said, holding his arms open to the two women. They rushed to his embrace and he pulled them close to him. 

Spike hadn't been wrong. This change was going to have a profound impact on their lives. It meant that Buffy would depend on him even more whether she would ever admit to it or not. Her earlier question echoed through his mind as he watched Buffy's face scrunch up in grief. Would they make it? Spike knew he loved her and wanted to be with her. Was he ready to make that permanent commitment? Did they have a chance to make their relationship one that would last a lifetime? Spike sighed because it was time for him to make some decisions and the sooner he made them the better off they were.

_to be continued…_


	32. Splash and Spin

**Chapter 32 - Splash and Spin**

His heart felt a nudge. No, that wasn't it, more like a free fall as Spike stared down at Buffy. She was lying back in the tub up to her chin in bubbles. The only light was the candles that she had placed around the bathroom and in the background was the soft sound of._New Kids on the Block_. He rolled his eyes at their promise to blow your mind. It wasn't his cup of tea but Buffy had become excited when she had found the tape in one of her boxes earlier. They had been her favorites when she was a young girl on the precipice of puberty. So, for her he would suffer. 

Sighing, he sat on the edge of the tub.

"Open your mouth, Luv," Spike instructed.

"Last time you told me that you stuck slime in it," Buffy said, managing to open one eye and stare at him in suspicion. "What do you want to put in it now?"

"Not what I want to put in there. I've got some Tylenol for your headache and I figured you didn't want the pills to get wet so I was going to offer to drop them in myself."

Her mouth opened for him. Spike chuckled as he dropped the capsules on her tongue and hoped that before morning she would be that willing to open for what he did have in mind. He held the glass of water to her lips and held it while she chugged it down.

"Thatta girl," Spike said, putting the glass on the counter. "You'll feel better in no time."

"Buffy drank too much wine. Very unmixy," Buffy said, giggling. "Now, she don't feel too good."

"Great, tipsy Buffy," Spike said, smiling. "A side of you I'm not too sure about."

"Oh, don't worry," Buffy assured him. Her hand came out of the water to pat his leg. "I get very naughty when I've been drinking."

"And just who have you been naughty with?"

"Not telling."

"And just how naughty have you been before?"

Her hand closed over his crotch, squeezing it gently. "Not as naughty as I've been with you. Now, are you going to get naked and join me?"

"Who am I to turn down an irrational drunk?" Spike asked, standing to pull his clothes off. "You might decide to kill me in my sleep."

"WooHoo, naked Spike chest," Buffy cheered. "Come on, get those shoes off.give me some naked Spike butt."

"I'll give you naked Spike something.," Spike promised as he climbed into the tub with her. He sat facing her, putting his feet on either side of her bottom as he leaned back. "Did you have to put in this ponce music? It's ruining the mood."

"Oh, come on," Buffy said, waving her hand around and sending bubbles flying. "This is classic._pop, pop, pop, pop, Popsicle. Girl, can't you see? You're the one for me_." 

"Thanks for the sing-a-long, pet, but I still think I'll pass."

"Spoil sport," Buffy pronounced, leaning back and letting her eyes close again. "You're just no fun at all."

He shook his head. It was interesting to see this side of her. A little wine and she was acting a little freer, a little less serious and totally adorable.  It wasn't like she was really drunk but just feeling the effect of the wine they had drunk during dinner and the bottle they'd opened at home. 

Smiling, he decided to show her that he was fun. He laid his foot softly on her breast, waited to see what she would do, and when he only received a smile, he ran his big toe in a circle around the areola. Buffy fidgeted around until his toe was directly on her nipple. He flicked it and stroked it until she arched her back, pushing the soft mound against his toe. 

"Do you like that, Luv?"

"Yes," Buffy said, picking his foot up and kissing the arch. "But I think I'd like something more." With a mischievous look in her eyes she crawled over to him and straddled his legs. "This is much better," she whispered, kissing him along his neck while pressing her breasts into his chest. "I love you."

"Mmm," Spike intoned, leaning his head back to give her better access. He liked this aggressive side of her. Her kisses were changing to licks along the shell of his ear, a nip on the lobe. She started across his cheek and ended with a peck to the side of his mouth.

"Are you ever going to say it?"

Spike knew she was more teasing him than anything else. So, he ignored her question and squeezed her butt then ran his hands upwards along her back. 

Buffy sat back. She eyed him for a moment than picked up a handful of bubbles only to drop them so they slid down his chest. The next few moments she played like this, making designs on him. His chest and nipples received their share of caresses during her activities so there were no complaints from him.

"Couldn't you say 'Ditto' like Patrick Swayze did in 'Ghost'?" Buffy asked. Her thumbnail was idly flicking at his nipple. Her eyes seemingly innocent in the wide eyed stare she gave him. 

He cupped her face to draw her toward him. She came willingly, accepting his quick kiss. "Ditto," Spike whispered. "Ditto, ditto, ditto." Each utterance was punctuated by a kiss to her soft lips until they couldn't stand it anymore and their lips fused together in a passionate kiss. Their tongues stroked and played until they had to break apart. Buffy didn't go far as she leaned her forehead against his.

"I can't believe there are only a few hours until you have to leave," Buffy whispered. "It seems like you only got here."

"I know. I don't want to leave."

Her fingers caressed his face as if she was trying to memorize his features by touch. By making love they had only grown closer. Their lives becoming more connected and it would only hurt more to be separated. Spike wanted to stay with her. See where this relationship played out. Would it be like they both wished or would they eventually fall apart?

"Buffy, about what you asked me."

"Yeah?"

"Please, know that it's not that I don't want us to last. I do. I'm scared too."

"I know," Buffy said. "You don't need to tell me that. I'm sorry for being such a bitch earlier. Forgive me?"

Spike nodded. "All I want right now is to concentrate on getting us together permanently. Figure out a way for me to stay in the States before I try to start planning on forever. Does that make sense?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Just keep believing in me."

"I do," Buffy said, kissing him softly. She closed her eyes. "I believe, I believe, I really do believe."

Spike laughed. "You sound like Robin Williams in 'Hook'."

_Her grin would light up the darkest night_, he thought as he stared up at her through the eyes of love. He had never felt so loved or a part of anything in his life. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do to make her happy. He just wanted to make sure he could deliver before giving her promises.

"Make love to me," Buffy requested, resuming her earlier kisses on his neck and throat. "Now, here." She lifted up and moved to sink down on him.

"Baby, we don't have a condom," Spike squeaked, trying to be sensible in spite of his desperate desire to be inside of her without anything. 

"I don't care," Buffy said, hoarsely. She was still poised over him. "I'm on the pill and you have a clean bill of health. Please?" In his hesitation to find the words to keep her safe, she slid down, sheathing him in one motion. "Oops, I slipped."

Her words said it had been a mistake but her eyes said differently. He was thankful she had taken the initiative. Their need for each other was too great at the moment to withstand the time it would have taken to get into the bedroom and take precautions. It was another way of saying they were in it together despite the doubts and risks. 

They stared deep in each other's eyes while they took in the new sensation. Spike was doing everything he could to remain motionless as the velvet softness of her gripped his shaft.  She was still so tight and he groaned as his body begged him to take her. His fingers dug into her hips, keeping her from moving until the urge passed him. 

"Did I...is there something wrong?" Buffy asked hesitantly.

Her innocence was still there brimming beneath the sensuality of the woman who was straddling him. It only sent another wave of love through him as he held her gaze and shook his head. 

"Need you too much," Spike answered, surrendering to her wish to be in control. He laid his hands on the side of the tub when the urge lessened. He hoped that he would be able to restrain himself through her learning. "Go, baby."

The uncertainty was in her eyes but so was the love she had for him. Buffy rose up then slid back down as she began to ride him. It was the first time she had been on top and in control. Her movements varied as she tried to find the rhythm that pleased her. She watched him, waiting for words, or gestures to find out what pleased him. He tried not to disappoint her.

"Buffy, yeah, I love it when you do that," He groaned to her as she ground down on him. "Do that again," he moaned, his eyes rolling back in his head, as she squeezed him. 

Her hands were planted on his chest, using him for leverage as she moved. The water rolled in waves around them. Some of it splashed over his hands, dripping onto the floor. Spike focused again when Buffy moved faster making her breasts bounce, disappearing in and out of the bubbles. He captured them, squeezing them gently; watching the desire turn her eyes a deeper green.  

"Do you have any idea of how beautiful you are?" Spike asked, his thumbs stroking the nipples to beaded hardness. "My own little sea siren.take it over."

He loved the sound of her breathing as she reached the end. Little gasps inserted with little moans. She came and it was the tears in her eyes that took him over the precipice. 

"I love you, I love you," Buffy whispered against his skin. Her face was in his neck while he held her tightly in his arms. 

"Ditto, double frickin' ditto," Spike said, laughing. 

It took her only a second before she laughed with him. "So, bed, rest and."

"Short rest," Spike said. "Only have five hours left."

~~~~~~~

Buffy opened her eyes as someone kissed her stomach. She turned sleepy eyes downward to where Spike was slipping lower. His tongue darted into her belly button and she instinctively gripped his hair.

"Careful there, girl," Spike said, nipping her hip bone. "Don't want me to be bald do you?"

"Mmm, like your hair," Buffy whispered, petting the hair. "It's cold in here."

"I like the effect," Spike said, rising to lean on his hands. He kissed each nipple pebbled from the chill. "Good morning." He told her before pressing his lips to hers.

"Good morning yourself," Buffy said, glancing at the clock on the nightstand. It was a few minutes past five. That left them less than an hour before he had to start getting ready to leave. She grabbed the edge of the comforter and pulled it over them. She had to smile in spite of herself. Spike's eyes were playful in the glow of the light shining from the bathroom. "What are you thinking about?"

"Making love to you."

Buffy smiled up at him. "Go for it."

"Thought you'd never ask," Spike said, diving under the covers. 

Her eyes grew wide as he spread her legs and settled between them. She felt him lick her then he stopped. She heard him mutter something but couldn't hear him. She lifted the comforter.

"What was that? And it had better have been nice."

"Always," Spike said, kissing her thigh. "I was just wondering if I was going to get any protests. You know like this is embarrassing or."

"Hell, no," Buffy giggled. "Get down there and please me." She groaned as he resumed pleasing her. "And if you hurry you might get a return favor...oh god." She gave up thinking. 

She had felt embarrassed at first. But it had quickly disappeared under his ministrations. This was the man she loved and she knew he loved her despite their confusion and doubts over their future. They had both been hurt so badly in the past and this happiness was still too new. She wanted it all and she wanted it with Spike. That much she knew but she also knew that love didn't always last.

His fingers were inserted inside her and she arched up to meet them. Already he knew her body, playing her, giving to her, pleasing her and she let him. His tongue licked her and teased while his fingers played her. It didn't take long and she found herself in the throes of another orgasm. Spike didn't stop caressing her until the last quiver of her body and then he moved to cover her body with his. 

"Did you like that?" Spike asked, kissing her neck.

"Yes, very much," Buffy said. She attempted to push him over on his back so that she could return the favor but felt him prodding at her entrance. "Don't you want me to?"

"Later," Spike whispered. "Right now I want to be inside of you."

Buffy sighed. She was on her way back to bliss and who was she to argue with him? She wrapped her legs around him and made a mental note to give him a surprise in the car.   
  
"I love you, William," Buffy whispered and gave herself completely to the man who was loving her back.

_to be continued._


	33. Home

**Chapter 33 – Home**

It was as he remembered it. 

The tree branches hanging low over the street forming an arched entry over the quiet neighborhood street. The houses were the kind that you knew were filled with families that still believed in hearth and home. Children had parents to come home to and plenty of playmates only a house or two away. 

Spike felt something tug at his heart as they drove through it. Minivans dotted the driveways and he could picture Buffy having parked one of them. Their children would fill the seats as she picked them up from school or soccer practice. He laughed at his fanciful daydream but inside he knew it was a future he wanted more each day.

The house he wanted was on the cul-de-sac at the end of the street. It was a magnificent remodeled Edwardian four bedroom house with a large backyard. His cousin Emily lived there with her husband, Larry, and their two daughters. Four years and it still stung every time he remembered the disappointment in her face when she had sent him away. It had been an intensely embarrassing moment in his young life when he had thought the more of a bad ass he was, the better he was. She had shown him the error of his way even if only for a short time. He had let Dru convince him that Emily was wrong. Forcing the reprimand into the back of his mind, he had thrown himself into the wild lifestyle he was cultivating. 

"_A fool is what I was_," Spike thought as the car turned into the driveway. He only hoped that Emily would forgive him and was thankful that his friends had willingly given up their time off to accompany him on his trip home. 

"It's quite beautiful," Wesley commented as he stared at the brick house with two bay windows upstairs and down in the front. 

"Yeah, it is," Angel said.

"Thanks," Spike said, suddenly nervous as he stepped out of the car. After paying the cab driver, he wiped his hands on his jeans and said a silent prayer that everything would be all right.

The three men retrieved their overnight bags from the trunk and stepped back so the cab could leave. It was then that Spike finally turned with trepidation to the house. 

"Come on," Angel said, giving Spike a push between the shoulders. "Let's get this over with. Be a man about it."

"Bossy bitch, aren't you?" Spike asked but it made him grin as they made their way to the front door. He knocked and waited, torn between wanting someone to be home and hoping that he could make a get away with a clear conscience.

The door was opened by Emily, who took a moment to stare at Spike, as if she wasn't sure it was him or not. 

"Hi, Em," Spike said, taking in the more mature version of the girl he had grown up with. She hadn't been a constant playmate like Buffy and Angel had been to each other but she had been there through holidays and a few vacations. Time had been good to the woman who was a few years older than he was. Her dark curly hair was cut short accentuating her sharp cheekbones and lively blue eyes. He smiled as she looked from him to his companions. "These are my friends, Wesley and Angel."

"Hello," Emily said politely to each of the men before turning her eyes to Spike. "What are you doing here, William?"

"Wanted to see you again," Spike said, sighing. It was taking everything he had to stand there. It was a humbling experience to ask to be taken into someone's life again after what he had done. Deciding to take a chance and just bring up the past problem, he leaned close to his cousin. "See, I'm clean," Spike said, opening his eyes wider. "No longer living that lifestyle and I've got a real job working on a freighter. Angel, here is my boss and I've got a real nice girl in the states."

Emily laughed, "Will's new life in a nutshell." She stepped back and opened the door. "Come in. The girls will be home in a bit but we have time for some adult talk before they show up." 

After she had shut the door behind them Emily showed them down the main hallway to the kitchen. "Sit please," she said, then pointed to the corner where the family obviously left their gear. "You can leave your bags over there. Planning on staying a bit, Will?" 

"We don't have to be back on the ship until tomorrow night," Spike said, piling their things neatly. "I was hoping to spend the time with you but if it's not convenient we can leave."

"Coffee, tea or sodas," Emily asked as she seemed to mull over the information her cousin had given her. 

The three men quickly asked for what they wanted and she bustled around starting a pot of coffee and heating the tea kettle. Spike stood back up to help her. It only took a few minutes until the four of them were seated at the table with coffee for Angel and Wesley and tea for the cousins.

"I'm glad you let me in the door, Em," Spike said, stirring cream into his tea. "And I may as well get it over with. I was an ass and should never have shown up here like that. I apologize."

"Well, you always were a bit of an ass," Emily teased, her eyes twinkling as she stared innocently at Spike. "I'm just glad that you got away from…the life you were living. So, pictures?"

"Huh?" Spike asked.

"The nice girl," Em clarified. "Do you have pictures of her? Is she pretty? What does she do for a living? Are you two serious?"

"Yes, she's very pretty," Spike said, digging in his wallet for his photos of Buffy. He handed them over. "She works in a bar as a waitress and yeah, pretty serious."

Emily seemed to grow distant again when he mentioned that Buffy worked in a bar. She handed the photos back without comment.

"It's not like that, ma'am," Angel jumped in. "I've known Buffy her whole life practically. I'm the one who introduced them." He proceeded to tell how Buffy had come to work at The Edge and a little about the changes going on in her and Spike's life. 

"You've got decent friends," Emily said, smiling again. Her hand covered Spike's. "Your mum would be proud of the man you've become."

There was no stopping the tears as they rolled down his face. Spike could almost feel another wall come crashing down in his heart. He had tried so hard not to let the pain of his past life in but somehow it had always been there influencing his every move. Coming home hadn't been as bad as he thought it would be and he was glad he had made the decision. His hand covered Emily's squeezing it because he was unable to speak. 

"I was a bit worried when I saw you at the door," Emily confessed. "I thought you had come home to…oh, never mind."

"What?" Spike asked, wiping at his face with the napkin Angel had handed him. He decided the ribbing he was going to get later for crying was a price worth paying for getting back a part of his life. "Why did you think I'd come back?"

"Because…," Emily said, sighing. "Dru's back in London."

~~~~~~~

"What the fuck am I doing?" Faith lamented quietly. She shifted in the uncomfortable chair as she stared at Buffy.

"You are about to get a pelvic exam by a man you've never seen before," Buffy said and flipped a page in the magazine she was reading.

"Bitch," Faith pronounced as she shifted again. 

Buffy gave up, threw her magazine that she'd been pretending to read onto the table, and turned to her friend. It was Faith's first appointment with the obstetrician that had been recommended by her regular doctor. The reality of her situation had been weighing heavily on Faith's mind since Wesley had left. Buffy was having the same problem since Spike had left. How the hell did get to where they were? It was a question they were both left pondering in the aching loneliness they were feeling. Their lives had been turned upside down and then left behind while their men left to return to a life they were comfortable with. It was a natural conclusion the two women had found their friendship again in the changes they were both going through.

"You're following through on the decisions you made," Buffy said firmly. "Nothing has changed since he's been gone. You're still pregnant, you're still engaged and in a couple of weeks, Wesley will be home so you can start your lives together."

"Thanks," Faith said, smiling. It quickly faded. "Right now I'm more worried about what I am going to do with a kid. I don't have any patience and I miss dancing already."

"You'll be doing a lot of dancing," Buffy teased again. If she grew melancholy with Faith they would sink into another ice cream binge level of depression. "You know, two AM with a crying baby on your shoulder."

"How does anyone stand to be around you?" Faith asked. "You have got to be the most irritating Little Miss Sunshine I've ever met. It's bringing back the nausea."

Buffy laughed then took Faith's hand.

"Faith, it's going to be okay," Buffy said, turning several thoughts over in her mind until she found what she hoped to be the right inspirational speech. "It's not going to be easy but as trite as it sounds you'll learn as you go. I get scared too. We've moved from being selfish single women into relationships where a lot of the time we'll have to put ourselves last." Buffy sighed. "It happens every day though for a lot of people and somehow they survive. I guess we will too."

"Are you happy, Buffy?"

"Yeah, I am," Buffy confessed. "I'm getting excited to live this part of life."

It was true. Since Spike had left her fantasies had moved from how to get Spike into her bed to ones of the life they were venturing into. The two of them living together, maybe one day marriage, starting a family like their friends and it felt like it was almost inevitable. She just wished she could get past that last twinge of doubt about it. She wished he was home to hold her and to convince her that they were right for each other.

"Yeah, me too," Faith said. "I'm just worried whether I'll be able to make the changes that I need to."

"If you want to badly enough you will," Buffy said, as her own advice turned to bite her. It seemed like that was the answer. Did she want a life with Spike badly enough to make the changes necessary to make it happen? Did he?

~~~~~~~

It was peaceful here. The big back yard was long and narrow but had plenty of room. Spike took another drag of his cigarette and listened to the sounds around him. Angel helping Emily clean the kitchen after dinner, Wesley and Larry talking at the table, and the two girls screeching as they ran around in front of him. He noted that you could even hear the neighbors as they did the same things. It was an oasis from a world that could be bitter and cold.

Spike tried to force his mind to Drusilla but she was quickly replaced by a petite blonde who was wrapped tightly around his heart. He smiled as he remembered the trip to the ship the other morning. They had barely gotten out of the driveway when Buffy had attacked his zipper. By the end of the block she had taken him into her mouth and was doing things that had made him pull behind a closed store until she was done. It had been a total surprise and it had taken him to a place he'd never been before. The only downfall was the intimacy had made it even harder to say good-bye. Buffy had tried so hard to be brave and not cry. He had pulled her into his arms and told her to go ahead. He knew she would and to think of no one being there to hold her had hurt him. 

"Whatcha thinking about?" Angel asked, stepping onto the patio.

"I was trying to think of Drusilla," Spike said.

"I thought you might be," Angel said, coming to stand beside him. "So, are you going to go and see her?"

"I was thinking about that too," Spike answered and ground his cigarette out on the bottom of his boot. He straightened up and looked at his friend. "But I realized that I don't give enough of a damn to bother."

Angel seemed to relax and even gave a trace of a smile.

"I'm glad you feel that way," Angel said. "I was worried that…"

"I'd go and see her. Maybe have to get drunk or something equally stupid like try to get back with her. Nah, don't need to. It's over," Spike said. "Come on. This I think you'll like."

Angel followed him back into the house where Spike asked Emily if she still had it. Emily looked startled but had nodded and hurried off. Spike sat back down at the table and Angel joined him.

"What's this about?" Wesley asked.

"This," Emily said, and sat a diamond engagement ring in the middle of the table. She took a seat next to her husband as everyone looked from Spike to the ring and back again. The small object twinkled up at them. Its diamond shined in the antique platinum filigree setting.

"I know it's a little old fashioned," Spike said. "But do you think she'll like it?"

"Whose was it?" Angel asked.

"It was my grandmothers. She and Grandfather were married for almost sixty years."

"Wow," Wesley said. "I didn't think you and Buffy were ready for this step."

"I'm still not sure," Spike said. "But that only means that I do know I'm thinking about it."

"You're never ready," Larry said, slipping an arm around his wife. "I think it's more of a yeah, I want this and you figure out how to survive as you go along."

"Thanks," Emily said, playfully slapping her husband on the shoulder. They kissed and she turned her attention back to Spike. "Seriously, though, he's right. You just have to make a decision every day that this is the person you want to be with.  And every time you're hit with another temptation, you have to remember that the relationship you already have is more important."

Spike nodded and reached a tentative finger out to touch the ring. He could see it gracing Buffy's finger with its beauty. Now all he had to do was convince himself to put it there.

_to be continued…_


	34. Beginnings and Ends

**Chapter 34 – Beginnings and Ends**

The three men alighted from Emily's car. Spike spoke with his cousin for a few moments about meeting up with her later that afternoon. After establishing a time and place, Emily drove off. Spike turned back to his companions, following their gaze to the sign that hung on the building they were standing in front of.__

_Masters Shipping._

Angel was staring up at the sign like he was trying to decide whether to go in or not. Spike knew so many of his friend's dreams hung on this moment. If he was sent away without being able to transfer then it would crush him. It would also be embarrassing if he had to return to California and tell his friends and family that he hadn't gotten his chance. 

"Come on, mate," Spike said, putting his hand on Angel's shoulder and squeezing it. "It won't be so bad."

"Nancy boy," Angel said, smirking. "Do you want to hug me to?"

Spike wrapped his arms around Angel and blew kisses in the air around his cheek. "Oh, baby, I promise it won't hurt. Be a man for me, please."

"Jerk," Angel said, laughing as he pushed Spike away. "Get off of me."

Wesley was cracking up and trying to act like he wasn't with them. And in that moment Spike knew he really belonged. He had considered them his friends for a long time. It was just that they were Buffy's first but that morning, laughing and horsing around, he felt they were his friends no matter what. For a guy who had been a solitary child and teenager it meant a lot. 

Putting his shoulders back, Angel cleared his throat. "Okay, I'm going to do this."

For some reason they all thought that was funny and broke out in laughter again. The door opened and they turned to walk a little ways away hoping it wasn't anyone they knew. Angel didn't need any confrontations or to have anyone think he didn't take this seriously. No one said anything to them and whoever it was walked off in the other direction. It was time to get Angel through the front door.

"Come on, mate," Spike said, turning Angel toward the door. "Let's do this."

Spike instantly regretted his choice of words.

"Oh, yeah, let's go," Angel said, pulling Spike to him. "I've always had a thing for little blondes."

"Oh, good god," Wesley said, walking away. "Get a frickin' room."

"Angel, Spike, is that you?"

_Busted._

The two men who were still entangled jumped apart at the sound of their captain's voice behind them. Embarrassed, they turned around to face him as Wesley returned to stand beside them. It seemed if one was going down then they all were. 

"Uh, hi, Captain Roberts," Angel stammered out. "It's good to see you."

"Wasn't interrupting anything important was I?" Captain Roberts asked, smirking. "I mean if you'd like for me to leave you alone, I can."

"Oh, no sir, we were just fooling…I mean…" Angel stopped. His eyes closed and he swallowed before looking back at his captain. "Sorry, sir, we were just joking around. I was going in to the personnel office like I had discussed with you."

"Its okay, Angel," Captain Roberts said, laughing. "I've seen worse out of you guys at sea." He clapped Angel on the back. "Let's go in, shall we? I've got a meeting with Mr. Masters and I can introduce the two of you."

"Thank you," Angel said, his face lighting up in excitement. "I appreciate it."

Spike exchanged glances with Wesley. They knew that Captain Roberts had been spending a lot of time with Angel, mentoring him, and encouraging his interest of one day having his own ship. It was an honor that he felt that Angel was good enough to introduce to the CEO and owner of the shipping company. It was a meeting that could make or break Angel's career with this firm. 

The two men made their way toward the entrance while Spike and Wesley stayed where they were. They had come along just to make sure Angel got through the door but were going to wait for him at a diner down the street. Captain Roberts turned back to them and gestured for them to follow.

"Come on, boys. This is a family oriented company and it'll be a good impression that Angel's crew supports his plans."

Dutifully and on their best behavior they followed their captain through the door that prior had been such a barrier. Captain Roberts nodded to the receptionist and made his way into the labyrinth of the executive wing. A few turns and they stopped outside a set of double doors on which a sign announced that it was Mr. Masters' office. Angel glanced back at his friends and Spike could see the nervousness in his eyes. He gave a thumbs signal before they all made their way into the inner sanctum.

"Ah, Joss," an older gentlemen said, straightening from what had to be his assistant's desk. He approached the group with a smile on. "Good to see you, old friend." 

The two men shook hands then Captain Roberts stepped back to introduce the three friends leaving Angel for last.

"And this is my third mate, Angel," Captain Roberts said. "He's decided he wants to be in charge of one of your ships."

"Hello, Angel," Mr. Masters said, reaching out to shake his hand. "So, you think you've got what it takes to be a captain?"

"I'm going to do everything I can to ensure that I do," Angel said.

"You might make it after all," Mr. Masters said, laughing. "So, if Joss here doesn't mind, would you like to join us for lunch? We can talk some more."

Captain Roberts quickly added his acquiesce to the plan and Angel agreed. The invitation was extended to Wesley and Spike also.

"Might behoove me to find out what kind of friends you hang out with," Mr. Masters said. "A man is often judged by the company he keeps." He turned and spoke to the young woman sitting behind the desk and asked her to change the reservation to include them all. "Now if my daughter would hurry up."

"I'm right here, Daddy."

A smile lit up Mr. Masters' face as he turned toward the young woman who had stepped out of his private office. He put his arm around her waist and drew her closer to the others.

"Allow me to introduce my daughter to you gentlemen," Mr. Masters said, obviously proud of the young woman. "This is Darla and Darla this is William," he pointed to Spike then continued to Wesley. "And this is Angel."

"Hello, gentlemen," Darla said. She shook hands with them and like her father saved Angel for last. Her eyes and face lit up with a smile as she studied the young man whose hand she held a little longer than necessary. "Did I hear correctly that they are joining us for lunch?"

"If that's all right," Angel asked, unable to take his eyes from the petite blonde.

"Of course it is," Darla said, wrapping her hand around Angel's arm. "I think it's a lovely idea. Shall we go?" 

She turned back to smile at her father as she and Angel started to walk toward the door. It was apparent that she usually got what she wanted from her father and it was obvious to Spike that she wanted Angel. He smiled at his friend's retreating back and contemplated how strange life could be. A few weeks ago Angel had thought his life was a failure and in one morning it had changed. It seemed Angel would have a shot at the dreams he wanted. For some reason he couldn't pinpoint, Spike was oddly satisfied at that thought.

~~~~~~~~~

Buffy moved with purpose across the quad. Her eyes never wavered from her quarry. Riley. It was time to tie up loose ends and set the record straight. She hoped in the end they could still be friends but if he couldn't handle it then that was okay too. Her life had other priorities now.

"Hey," Buffy said when she came closer to where he was sitting at a patio table. She took a seat across from him and deposited her backpack on the ground next to her. "Can we talk?"

"Not much to say," Riley replied, barely glancing up from the text book he was reading. "I think it was made pretty plain the other day."

"Oh, really? I thought there was a lot of confusion."

"I heard you moved in with him," Riley said. "It seems to me that settles everything."

It was as bad as when she was in a relationship with him. Every detail needed to be pulled out of him a little bit at a time. Buffy sighed and reached over to cover his book with her hand. Hopefully, he would at least pay attention to her.

"Does it?" Buffy asked. She waited until he looked up at her before continuing. "You said you wanted to be friends. Was that a lie? Or was it just a way to get back into my life?"

Riley finally looked up at her with the pain he was feeling evident in his eyes. He shook his head and looked somewhere over her shoulder.

"I don't know if I can be your friend, Buffy. I thought maybe I could but the more I'm around you the more I remember the way it used to be."

"All of it?" Buffy asked gently. "Or are you just remembering when it was good? Do you remember the things you told me? The fights? The fact that we let each other down?"

His hands covered hers that was still on his book, caressing the back of her hand with his thumb.

"Do you remember, Buffy? The parties we'd go to on the beach? The driving down to Los Angeles to go clubbing and come back at dawn? Do you remember the night we almost made love on the roof of your parent's store? Do you?"

"Yeah, I remember," Buffy said, pulling her hand away. "And I know now that's not what makes a relationship good. Its two people taking care of each other. It's fighting until you find a way to compromise instead of shutting down and hurting each other. It's making love responsibly without fear of the consequences because you know the other person is going to be there. And that's what I've found with Spike."

"So, are you trying to tell me that you've grown up and I haven't because I still want to have fun instead of being tied down?"

"No, Riley," Buffy said. She stood, picked up her backpack and walked around the table. She leaned down and kissed his cheek. "I'm saying that we're still going in opposite directions and I like the way I'm going too much to change. I wish you all the best of luck."

Her heart was suddenly freer than it had ever been as she turned and walked away. It was over and she realized that there was only room for Spike in her heart.

~~~~~~~~~

It was wrong. It wasn't supposed to be this way. 

Spike rolled over in the bed pushing pillows onto the floor as he searched for something to hold onto. Sweat soaked through the sheets as the nightmare gripped him.

Everything was spinning around him. Memories of Drusilla that he had tried to forget flashed through his mind. He moaned as she spun in front of him, a vixen dancing so close to his still so innocent body. Still so young, so shy, he hadn't been able to resist the beauty so determined to take him home. There had been no turning back from the first night. He didn't want to. Always the wallflower, the power of the sex and drugs was too intoxicating to walk away from. 

There in his dream she came to him. Whispering to him to return to her and to the life they had. She made fun of his efforts to change to be a better man. Did he really think that someone like Buffy could love him? She asked him to choose which life he wanted. Didn't he know that he would fail? He was playing a part with the others. They would never really accept someone like him. After all he had never told them the truth of who he was. How could the silly girl love him when she didn't know everything?

His mind rushed forward to the last Christmas with Emily. The spiders he had seen crawling along the walls and his screams for someone to get them off. The laughter he couldn't stop even when Larry had turned the hose on him to try and sober him up. The devastating loss he had felt until a line of coke and the heat of Drusilla's body had made it all go away. 

Spike rolled and thrashed as he tried to find his way out of the past. He didn't want to be there anymore. Someone was calling to him and he cried in relief when he heard Buffy's voice. 

_I believe, I believe, I really do believe._

Clinging to the sound he fought his way back to the surface. Sitting up, he wiped the tears from his eyes and hoped his heart would slow down before it burst from his chest. He was safe. His time with Drusilla was gone. He had found a place that he belonged and was loved. Spike glanced at the clock. It was one AM and with a little calculation he knew there was a possibility that Buffy was home still. Careful not to wake anyone in the house he made his way to Larry's study and closed the door behind. Praying he dialed the number to his home that was so far away.

"Hello, blondes are us," Buffy's voice came to him.

"Yeah, really?"

"Spike, where are you? What time is it? Is everything all right?"

"Slow down, pet. It's the middle of the night here and I'm at Emily's. The cousin I told you about." Spike said then briefly explained about the reunion including the sightseeing tour they had taken Angel and Wesley on that afternoon. He ended with the extra night they had gotten because of maintenance on the ship.

"I'm jealous," Buffy said. "I want to be with you."

"I know, Luv," Spike said, drawing his knees up and resting his forehead on them. "I miss you so much."

"Are you all right?" 

The concern in Buffy's voice brought the tears to his eyes again and he damned the night for its ability to cut through his soul.

"I am now that I'm talking to you."

"I love you so much," Buffy said. "I wish I was there to hold you and make everything better."

"Me too," Spike said. "I've got good news though. Might make things better."

"What's that? Better not be getting my hopes up for nothing."

He laughed at the small growl that hid behind her words. She was his strong, independent Buffy who never clung to him as she begged for all of his attention. He realized he had lied when he had told her that Drusilla had taught him about being a man. It had been Buffy with her innocent touches that had shown him what making love could really be. The kind of sex where two hearts and souls joined together and the purest pleasure was just lying together, body to body.

"I think I've found a way to live in the States legally."

"What? How?" Buffy squealed. "Come on."

"It's an exchange. Wes and I went with Angel down to the shipping office. Our captain was there and he took us to lunch with Mr. Masters. He's the guy who owns the company."

"Well, la de da," Buffy joked. "Are you still going to want me after hanging out with the elite?"

"I will always want you, baby," Spike professed, listening for the soft sigh that she gave when she was happy. "But listen. They are going to help us. England gets Angel and the States gets me. They're going to send me back to college to get my degree but I'll work as an intern in their marketing department in the meantime. Hopefully, I'll eventually be able to turn my visa into a green card with permanent residency."

"Oh, you are so going to get it when you get back home."

Her emphasis on 'it' let him know what exactly she was talking about. It wasn't trouble or a fight, he noted with a smile. His eyes closed as he remembered her riding him in the bathtub and felt himself growing hard. All he wanted was to be with her.

"You can have it all you want," Spike teased. "I'm ready for you right now."

Buffy laughed. "Me too," her voice dropping with the emotions she was feeling. Everything was all right again. The woman he loved was still waiting for him. The life he wanted was within his grasp. They spent the next few minutes talking about their dreams and what they were going to do when he got home. He hung up the phone with a sense of hope in his heart. It had been a long time since he had felt this free and he couldn't wait to begin his life with Buffy.

_to__ be continued…_


	35. Ragin' Glory

**Chapter 35 – Ragin' Glory**

The lights flickered again.

Buffy stopped to make sure that they were going to stay on. She was carrying a full tray and wasn't in the mood to clean it up if she dropped it. The bar was nearly empty. The sudden storm outside prevented anyone but the adventurous from being here. Once she was sure she wasn't going to be plunged into darkness she hurried over to the waiting table. She laid the glasses of whiskey and wine down before letting her eyes drift to the lightening flashing outside.

The afternoon had started off as clear and as sunny as a California day should be. But as day slipped into evening the clouds had gathered in the disappearing light. It was only getting worse as the minutes passed. She tried to suppress the shudder at the thought of the _Darla_ trying to reach home.  Her fingers caressed the silver locket around her neck and she sent a prayer out to the gods to keep the men safe and to bring Spike home to her.

"Hey, Buffy," said one of her regulars interrupting her thoughts. "How much do we owe you for this round?"

She turned back to her table to give the man the total for the drinks. He handed her a larger bill than necessary and told her to keep the change. She shoved the money in her pocket as she headed back to the bar.

"Buffy, she's a fine girl," the customer said to one of his visiting friends. "She's going to make some man a good wife."

The two men laughed and the friend's voice echoed through the bar. "I bet those eyes could steal a sailor from the sea."

Arnie was stacking glasses behind the bar when she sat down in front of him. A sigh moved through her as she rested her chin in her hand.

"Cheer up, girl," Arnie said, putting a glass of soda down in front of her. "Ships have been through worse than this."

"I know," Buffy whispered, her fingers grasping the glass. "It's just…" She shook her head. Her relationship with Spike hadn't gotten this far along with pessimism. He had promised to return to her and he always told the truth. 

The phone rang and Arnie scrambled to grab it. "This is The Edge of Paradise. How can I help you through the gate?"

Buffy giggled at the ridiculous greeting that was the Edge's standard answer. It quickly stopped when Arnie looked up at her with concern in his eyes. He gave cryptic answers to whoever he was talking to. She pushed any fear back as she waited for him to hang up. It was ridiculous to be worried but the look on Arnie's face was enough to make her think twice.

"What is it?" Buffy asked.

"That was your father," Arnie said. "Him and your mother are over at the O'Connor's. They need you to head over there. Giles said not to worry and be careful."

"Is my mom okay?"

"As far as I know, Buffy," Arnie said, wiping a spot on the bar that didn't need to be cleaned. "I just think it's the storm that has them spooked. Do you want me to drive you?"

"No," Buffy said, rushing behind the bar to grab her purse and jacket. "I'll see you later."

Grateful for the car, Buffy dashed through the puddles to get to it. If she had to walk in this mess she would probably drown before she got there. There wasn't anyone on the road as she drove through the silent town. Her only thought was on her family when she pulled into the driveway but then she noticed that both Xander and Willow's cars were there. Her stomach clenched as the dread she had been pushing aside all night rushed through her system. Something was wrong with the _Darla_.

~~~~~~~

The ship rocked until it was leaning perilously to the right. Spike reached his arm out to balance himself against the wall of the corridor. He was trying to make it from the engine room back to the crew's quarters. Everyone was on alert as the storm forced them to buckle everything down. He wasn't really worried because he'd certainly been through worse in his three years of working on ships. It was just a case of keeping the engines running and making sure everything was strapped down so it didn't become a projectile weapon. The ship steadied out and Spike continued down the hall. Loud voices echoed ahead of him and he hurried his footsteps to see if there was anything he could help with.

"What do you mean you're not sure?" Wesley was asking someone.

"I'm pretty sure I took care of it," Warren, the newbie was whining. 

Spike turned the corner to find the two men arguing. Warren had signed on in California to be Xander's replacement. Supposedly his resume and experience was spectacular but everyone who tried to work with him knew differently. He was very intelligent but was lazy and had a habit of always trying to take the easy way out. Unfortunately, he had been assigned to work with Wesley since his position would soon be available. Wesley had complained often about having to constantly ride Warren to make sure the tasks were completed correctly.

"What's going on?" Spike asked, hoping to keep the disagreement from turning into an even more volatile confrontation.

"Mr. Mears can't remember if he locked the crane down," Wesley said. 

"Bloody hell," Spike exclaimed. "If that thing gets loose it can punch a hole in the side of the ship."

"My thoughts exactly," Wesley said.

"I said...," Warren started.

"Forget it," Wesley snapped. "Head down to the engine room and see if Pablo can use your help."

The two men waited until Warren had passed before sharing a look of frustration and worry. The ship suddenly tilted violently to the right letting them know that the storm was increasing in intensity. The lights dimmed for a second before brightening again.

"I'm heading up to take care of the crane," Wesley said, taking off down the corridor toward the main hatch. "It's only getting worse outside."

Spike followed him without saying a word. He waited until Wesley reached for a life jacket before acting. He pulled the jacket from his friend's hands and tugged it over his head.

"What are you doing?" Wesley asked. "It's my responsibility. I should have made sure…I know how he is."

"Yeah, maybe," Spike replied, fastening the straps into place. "But it's storming out there and you've got a kid on the way. I'll go and take care of it. No big deal."

"No, Spike…"

The ship dipped and rolled sending both men into the wall. The longer they waited the harder it would be so Spike ignored Wesley instead of arguing with him. There was no way he could face himself later if he allowed his friend to endanger himself. Every child deserved to have their father around and he wouldn't put an unborn baby at risk of never knowing his. He righted himself and headed for the hatch without delay.

"Close the hatch behind me," Spike instructed, pulling it open. "Stay here to open it when I bang on it."

"Be careful," Spike heard Wesley call as he climbed out onto the deck. He nodded his head absently. He had every intention of being careful. He had Buffy to get home to. His hand wrapped around the inside railing as he tried to get his bearings. The rain was coming down in sheets while the wind whipped it into an icy frenzy. It was like needles driving into his flesh as he pulled himself toward the back of the ship. Spike was soaked within only a few feet. He wiped at his face hoping it would clear his vision which was almost zero in the darkness. 

The crane was about twenty feet from him and he would have to let go of the railing to make it. Spike waited until the ship evened out just a bit and made a dash for it. His feet slid on the deck but he managed to stay upright. Only four more feet to go and he pushed against the wind to reach the small control center of the crane. There he was afforded some protection as he searched the various controls to see which ones needed to be locked down. The main hook was swinging freely creating a dangerous opportunity for damage to the ship itself. 

The machinery was working fine but the wind hampered the raising of the hook. It kept swinging, leaving Spike in fear of it jamming. He kept it going slow when the wind would die down and waited out the gusts until it was finally locked in the needed intermediate position. He quickly put all the controls in the off position then turned the main switch off. One last check to make sure it was locked down before he moved to the entry way again. 

Luck seemed to be on his side as he studied the calm that was around him. The ship was steady and he took off at a run. He was halfway to the hatch when it opened. Wesley looked out and grinned when he saw Spike. He opened the door all the way giving Spike a clear goal to aim for. Spike's brows furrowed as he saw the grin on his friend's face change to one of fear.

"Spike, run," Wesley screamed.

He heard it before he saw it, a roar that sounded like a freight train coming straight at him.  Spike turned to look over his shoulder to see the wall of water gaining on him. It was faster than he could ever hope of being. He tried though as Buffy's face appeared before his eyes. The wave hit him after only one footstep. It lifted him from the deck, dragging him along in its current. He felt his back hit the main railing and he tried to grab at it. Anything to keep from going over, but it didn't work. He was pushed into a vortex of inky black space. 

There was no regret and he knew that if he had to live this moment over he would still keep Wesley from going topside. It was the right thing to do. The right thing for his friend and the family he was starting. It was funny that they always said that in these times your life would flash in front of your eyes. It wasn't his past that he was seeing. It was the life he had yet to live; Buffy floating to him in a fluffy white dress, her belly heavy with their child, the babe nursing at her breast and the two of them growing old together. Yet there was no turmoil or fear, only a calm acceptance of the fate he had been dealt. Buffy would be proud of him. And with that thought he fell into the chilling embrace of the lover he had tried to scorn. 

~~~~~~~

There was so much silence. Everyone was afraid to say anything, too frightened by the possibilities to even discuss them so they sat without words. Buffy's fear had been founded. Faith was the one to find out. A call had come to her earlier from a friend she had at the Coast Guard. The _Darla _had sent out a distress call and boats had been sent to help her. The friend, not directly involved in the operations, was unable to tell them anything else. 

Buffy leaned into her father. The strength that he always exuded gave her comfort. Her hand was held by her mother while her friends surrounded them. There was nothing to do but wait. She had never been one for praying but this night fervent words of need were sent out to whatever higher beings existed. It couldn't end like this. Not all of them at once. It was too cruel to be able to even contemplate.

The soft sound of weeping reached those in the living room. Buffy lifted her head and realized that Faith was gone. Mrs. O'Connor was starting to stand to go to her daughter.

"Let me, please," Buffy asked, hoping that she would be able to help her friend because they had to be dealing with the same emotions.

Mrs. O'Connor nodded and settled back in the loveseat with her husband. Buffy quickly followed the sound and found Faith in the bathroom. The door wasn't locked so she slipped in without knocking. Her heart broke at the sight of Faith curled on the floor weeping into a towel. Ever since Buffy had known her, Faith wouldn't let herself be weak like this. There had been so many changes in her life and now there was a possibility that she would have to raise her baby alone.

"Come here," Buffy said, sitting on the floor beside Faith. "Shhh, it's going to be okay. I promise. Angel and Spike won't let anything happen to him."

"Oh, god, Buffy," Faith wailed, crawling on to Buffy's lap. "I never told him I love him. If he dies and he never knows…if he thinks I was only with him because of the baby I won't be able to live with myself."

"He knows, he knows," Buffy said, stroking the long brown locks. 

"How?"

"Spike has never told me," Buffy said. "But I know. I know it as surely as I know how much I love him. It's in the way he looks at me, the way he tries to take care of me, the way he touches me when we make love or the way he just holds me. It's even in the way he changed for us…for me."

The tears had quieted to sniffles. "Do you think Wes really knows?"

"Yeah, he does. He knows because you kept his baby, because you gave up your freedom to wear his ring, and because of probably another hundred little things you do for him."

"I don't think I can make it…"

"Stop it," Buffy admonished. "They are going to be just fine."

A door slammed somewhere in the house followed by happy shouts. It was them. They were home. The two girls stood and ran for the living room. Wesley held his arms out to Faith, capturing her and holding her close. Mrs. and Mr. O'Connor stood with their arms around Angel. The rest of the family and their friends were gathered around the returning sailors.

"Where's Spike?" Buffy asked, looking around.

"Buffy…," Angel started, pulling away from his family.

"I knew I should have been home," Buffy said, rushing for her purse. "He went home didn't he?"

Angel's grabbed her hand. "Buffy, he's not there."

"What do you mean?" Buffy shook her head. "Where is he? Was he hurt? Angel…,"

"I'm sorry, baby," Angel said, his fingers tracing the curve of her face. "He…he was swept overboard." He stopped as a sob ripped through him. "The Coast Guard is still looking for him, but…but they're not holding out much hope at this point."

The last thing Buffy felt was Angel wrapping his arms around her as her whole world went black.

_to be continued…_


	36. Without Him

**Chapter 36 – Without Him**

They were all whispering about her. Buffy could hear them. Their voices were buzzing with concern and annoyance because she wasn't acting like they wanted her to. Someone in her situation should be hysterical and needing vapors or some other such silly things. She should be crying and wailing because Spike was…no, he wasn't. That was the problem. She refused to believe that he was gone. 

Spike had promised to return to her. He had vowed to be with her again so they could start their life together. He wouldn't lie. He would return to her. It was just a matter of time before they found him. He had a life jacket on, so it wasn't like he wasn't without any protection. She sighed and took a sip of water as she tried to gather the courage to return to the bosom of her friends and family. They were suffocating her, trying to console someone who hadn't given up like they had.

Why didn't he hurry? She needed him. If only there was a way to pass the time until he came home. Her eye caught the bottle of pain pills in her mother's purse on the counter. It would only take one or two and she would be blissfully unaware of anything for a little while. When she woke up, Spike would be there to hold her. She took a quick look around but she was alone in the O'Connor's kitchen. Her hand shook as she picked the bottle up. So easy to make everything go away. Tears filled her eyes and she silently cursed Spike for not coming home.

"What the hell are you doing?" Angel asked, grabbing her wrist. He wrenched the bottle from her hand. It was tossed onto the counter then he shook her like she was a disobedient child. "Is this how you're going to honor Spike? By killing yourself."

"Let go of me," Buffy hissed, pulling away from him. She was just so tired. She just wanted to curl up next to the man she loved and sleep but he wasn't there. "Leave me alone." She rubbed her forehead as she tried to clear her mind. "Spike is coming home and I wasn't going to kill myself." Her words were said with quiet determination to not only convince Angel but to remind herself. She had to hold onto those truths. 

Angel tried to hug her but she stepped back. It would be too easy to let the others convince her of the worst.

"Buffy," Angel said, reaching for her. "It's been almost eight hours and nothing. It would be…"

"No," Buffy said, running around him to head for the living room. "I'm not going to give up."

Her father was there to catch her. His arms holding her but she broke free to face them. 

"Sweetheart, we're not trying to get you to give up but," Giles said, stroking her hair. "Maybe it's better if you at least accept the fact that maybe…"

"He's not coming back," Buffy snarled, surprising even herself with the rage she felt against her friends and family. For the first time, she turned to face them, without their best interest in mind. "Yes, Buffy, give up so that we can shove you back in that soddin' peg we expect you to be in. You can go back to being our good little girl that doesn't stay in motels with men, that doesn't fall in love and go away, the girl who doesn't have any dreams except to take care of everybody else. I'm not her anymore." She straightened as she realized she wasn't. "Spike is the first one that really saw who I was and wanted me to be that person. He loved me…me. I didn't have to be the good girl, or the stupid virgin, or the best friend, I could just be Buffy. And he asked me to believe in him and I'm going to. Until they show me his dead body, I'm waiting until he comes home to me."

Willow was the next to try. Why didn't they just leave her alone?

"We're not trying to make you give up on him," Willow said, holding her hand. At least she was gentle, her manner soft, and not a hint of wanting to pounce on her grief. "It's just that…well, that…we don't want you to be all the more disappointed if he…I mean…"

"If he's dead," Buffy said, her heart closing up. She needed to be alone. This wasn't helping but she needed to finish saying her peace. "Don't any of you think I deserve a miracle? Mom survived, Faith's getting married and having a baby, Angel is starting over in England but Buffy isn't allowed to have anything or anyone. Every time something is mine, it's taken away. Angel, Riley and now you're trying to take Spike away. Well, I won't let it happen."

Without another word, without looking back or listening to their protests, Buffy grabbed her purse and ran out the front door. It was time to go home, back to where Spike would return to her one way or another. He had promised so she had no doubt he would.

"B, wait," Faith called, running out into the dawning new day. "Are you okay to drive?"

The question surprised her and she nodded. Faith's hand curled around Buffy's arm that rested on the car door.

"Look be careful," Faith said, kissing her cheek. "I love you and I understand."

"Thank you," Buffy said, shifting the car into reverse. The first tears burned at her eyes as her friend stepped back and waved her good-bye. The day was clear with no indication of the squall that had passed through the night before. She slipped her sunglasses on and hit the play button. The sounds of Dido filled the car as Buffy turned onto the highway that ran along the coast.

_Returns no more_

_I will not watch the ocean_

_My lover's gone_

_No earthly ships will bring him home again_

_Bring him home again_

Her finger hit the eject button, grabbed the CD and tossed it like a Frisbee toward the beach.

"Damn manic depressive bitch," Buffy muttered, pressing the gas pedal down. "First she was singing the ship wasn't bringing him home, now it's all about her going down with it. Make up your frickin' mind."

The wind tossed her hair around her face as she raced for home. The warmth of the morning air was chasing away the coldness that had taken a hold of her heart. Somewhere out there in that vast expanse of ocean was Spike. Her soul told her he was still alive, still loving her and she just needed to hold on until he found his way back to her.

~~~~~~~

The house was dark and cool. Buffy shivered as she put her purse down on the small table by the front door. Spike and she had talked about replacing it with a hall tree with a bench. It was one of their plans for when he lived with her all the time. They were going to scour the flea markets and antique malls to find furniture for the house they had both fallen in love with. She put her shoulders back, sternly telling herself that it was a dream that they would still live. 

With heavy footsteps she made her way to the bedroom. A nap, if it was possible, would feel good. To lie wrapped around his pillow…

"No, no, no," Buffy wailed, running the last few feet to her room. Something so simple was ripping her heart in two. She had done laundry yesterday morning, and had changed the sheets on the bed. He would have teased her unmercifully if he found out that she hadn't changed his pillowcase the entire time he was gone. Lying there in their bed with her nose buried in the pillow gave her comfort as she inhaled his scent. It hadn't been a dream like she had prayed. Their bed was crisply made up with the new sheets and comforter she had bought in masculine green and burgundy. It was new smelling with no imprint of their love on the material to remind her that he had been there. 

Mr. Gordo stared up at her from the pillow and she swallowed back a sob as she curled up on the foreign entity that by now should smell of their sex. Spike should be there, his nude body pressed against hers, while they talked sleepily of their plans for the day. She would even take screaming at him, up and down the hallway, just so that he was there. Larger than life, whether they were fighting, loving, playing or talking, was the man she loved. He filled up all the empty places inside of her.

"Oh, Mr. Gordo, I miss him so much," Buffy cried, cuddling her stuffed toy to her chest. Something drifted to her and she lifted the pig to her nose. There against the soft fur of his coat was the scent she had been looking for. Spike. And her tears fell in fevered anguish that they were separated. She didn't know if he was suffering and frightened, needing her and she couldn't be there to take care of him. She gave in to her emotions, letting the tears come until she fell into an exhausted sleep.

~~~~~~~

The phone was ringing again. Buffy knew it was probably her mother or father, one of her friends or even Captain Roberts again. All of them had called to offer sympathy, support, and their best wishes that Spike would be found. She had whispered the words to tell them politely, thank you, she was fine, bearing up under the uncertainty quite well, but no, she didn't want any company, to leave the house or any food.  Every time she would find sanctuary in the peaceful abyss of Spike centered dreams, it would be shattered by someone else calling. She didn't know what time it was, only that the day had to be ending now, but her hand dutifully reached for the phone. Maybe it was news, good news, it wasn't.

"Hello," Buffy said, wiping the sleep from her eyes and the hair back from her face.

"Is this Buffy?" an unfamiliar voice asked.

"Yes, who's this?" Buffy responded, her heart pounding a little faster as she felt it in her heart. Hope.

"It's Emily, Spike's cousin."

Buffy crashed again. She sucked her lower lip between her front teeth as she crossed her legs and the fingers of her free hand worried the bedspread.

"Hi."

"Angel called me," Emily said, her voice cracking under her own grief. It made Buffy feel like a heel because Emily was family to Spike. She wasn't. She was only the girlfriend. "I'm so sorry."

"It's me that should be telling you that."

"Why?" Emily asked, and Buffy could hear the confusion in her voice. "You love my cousin, don't you?"

"More than anything," Buffy said, hearing her voice crack. "I'm so confused."

"Angel said that you still believe that Spike will be found."

"I have to…I do…he has to be found."

"You keep on believing then," Emily said. "Don't listen to anything but your own heart."

"Thank you," Buffy choked out. "I needed to hear that…just someone to say…"

"I know. Buffy, I want to say thank you. William was gone from me for so long. That dreaded girl took him away from his family and you gave him back. You believed in him and that has meant so much to him. He was always so afraid that no one would ever love him. That he would always be alone like he was…" Emily stopped as she burst into tears. "Like he was when he was a kid. Always was dreaming of a golden hair princess that would make everything okay and he found what he was looking for."

"All I did was love him," Buffy said, wiping the tears from her own face. "He's been a pain in the ass sometimes but he kept coming closer until he was all…mine. Oh, god, Emily, I need him…"

"I know, baby, I know," Emily said, with a loving mother voice that reassured Buffy that she wasn't wrong to hope for his return. "Look, this may not be the right time but I think it will help. I signed release forms to have Will's belongings from the ship given to you. I'm still listed as next of kin so they called me. There's something in there I think you need. And…and, look this is hard but William changed his will while he was here. If…if the worst happens, everything he had is yours."

"No, I couldn't," Buffy declared, not wanting anything but him. It was never about anything but love. "He'll be back and we don't need to have this conversation."

"I know but, somewhere in the back of your mind, if you're worried about money then don't be. It's all legal and proper if and when the day comes."

Buffy nodded then remembered Emily couldn't hear her and she whispered, "Thank you."

~~~~~~~

Footsteps. 

There were footsteps in the hallway. 

Spike was home. 

Buffy scrambled from the bed and ran to find him. It had been almost forty-eight hours since she had received the call to go to the O'Connor's and he was finally home. The figure was too big and she blinked, trying to focus. It was Angel. Her hand moved of its own accord. She slapped him, making him recoil from the impact. He looked at her in, not fear, but not anger. It was pity.

"You son of a bitch," Buffy screeched. "How dare you come in here and scare me like that? I thought it was Spike. Oh my god, I thought he was home."

A sob caught in her throat and she wrapped her arms around her middle, backing up until she hit the wall. It was then that she saw Willow behind Angel. Her friend rushed to her, wrapping her in a tight embrace, whispering soft sounds of love. She was a mess, the sobs racking her small body. A body that had barely eaten, drunk anything, gotten bathed or been out of bed since she had gotten the news. She had only yanked off her shoes and shorts in one of her forays to the bathroom; otherwise she was still dressed in the clothes she had gone to work in that night. Buffy wanted the world to stop until her life could begin again. 

Angel picked her up. Too tired to fight or protest, Buffy let herself be taken into the living room and put on the couch. The tears were slowing for now. A blanket was tucked around her and Willow returned to hold her. A cup of hot tea was pressed into her hands a moment later. Angel turned a light on, making her blink and put her head down. His hand pulled it back up and she closed her eyes to hide from him. 

"Buffy," Angel whispered. His hand moved to cradle her face. "Why didn't you let us be here?"

"You want him dead."

"No, we don't" Willow said. "And you're wrong about us wanting you to go back to the way you were." She kissed Buffy's cheek and whispered, "Hymens don't grow back."

Buffy gave a choked laughter. She had missed them. She had needed them but had been afraid if she had said something then she had to admit Spike wasn't coming home. 

"He was…is my friend, too," Angel said, reaching down to grab Spike's overnight bag to put on her lap. "I asked the shipping line if I could bring it to you."

"Thank you," Buffy said, looking up at her friend. She tugged him down to sit next to her. For a minute or two she just ran her hand over the outside, inhaling deeply of the man and the sea that clung to it. Finally, with trembling fingers, she pulled the zipper back. There it was strong. His scent came to her from clothes that needed washing, his personal things, things he had touched. They had stripped his locker and packed it all away. _Masters Shipping_ wasn't expecting him to survive either. They wanted to arrange a service. Buffy had hung up on them. 

Buffy pulled out the packet of pictures sitting on top. Some still had tape on them as she went through them. There was a picture of what she assumed was Emily and her family, a picture of the guys on a pier somewhere in the world. Spike was laughing and had his arm flung around Angel. Her men. They had needed and loved each other. Buffy leaned into Angel, recognizing and accepting that her friend was hurting too. There were the pictures of her too. Some of the silly ones, some of the racier ones and she wasn't even embarrassed as she thumbed through them. She was a woman who loved a man with all of her. The evidence of that trust in these pictures of her half-dressed or in lingerie didn't do anything but make her ache for something she had only started to enjoy. There were his two pictures of them from the photo booth. She handed them to Willow who placed the pile carefully on the side table.

They all laughed as she pulled out a pile of panties. 

"I wonder what the captain thought of those when he saw them," Angel said. "I think he thought we were lovers or something. Well, as long as he knows I was the man in the relationship."

"Pig," Buffy said, sorting through them until she recognized the musk that clung to a couple. The pair she had slipped into his jeans the night of their party. The pair he had coaxed her into giving him before he left on the ship the last time. She had just swallowed his cum and he teased her saying he knew she was all wet. He wanted to carry that evidence with him. She took the pile and tossed them on the floor. The duster had been carefully folded and was on top of his clothes. On the bottom were his 'off' clothes, jeans, t-shirts, his boxers and a pair of the sleep pants she had given him. The uniforms were gone but she didn't want them anyway. Underneath it all was his journal. His handwriting promising secrets she had never been privy to and she shoved it back in. He'd be back and would be pissed if he knew she had read the entries.

The side compartments held his toiletries. She never knew how personal things like these were. They had touched his body, taken care of his body, the razor, the soap, the lotion, nail clippers and it was holding a pair of tweezers that she broke down. He had this hair that grew on his shoulder. He hated it and had made her tweeze it the last time he had been there. They had been so silly because she had named it. Little Spike. It was trying to grow out of his shoulder and make a duplicate of him. 

"Buffy, there's something else," Angel said, wiping the tears from her face. "It was in the Captain's safe and he gave it to me when I picked the bag up." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring. Buffy's sniffled and watched in amazement as the diamond ring was slipped onto her right hand. "Only Spike can put it on your left." Angel said, his thumb stroking the ring. "He showed it to Wes and me in England."

"He was going to ask me to marry him?" Buffy asked in wonder. It couldn't be. Spike had just said he wasn't ready.

"Yeah, he was," Angel confirmed, pushing her hair out of her face. "I think being with Emily and her family made him realize how much he really wanted it."

The tears returned and Angel pulled her tight against him. Willow was molded to her back. They held her, cried with her, and later were there for her while they talked. Buffy knew they needed her as much as she needed them. It was time.

~~~~~~~~

The room was still dark but Buffy knew it was morning. She blinked into wakefulness as she rolled onto her back. It had been more than two days without word. She repeated her vow from last night. 

"It was time."

It didn't make it any easier to force her body from the bed or for her to walk into the bathroom and turn the shower on. She peeled the tank top and panties she'd been wearing from her body. They reeked, she reeked, and she giggled. Spike wouldn't have embraced her smelling like that. He would have gagged. The decision to take a shower and get dressed was a good one. When he came home she'd smell good. 

The water was hot, easing the ache from her body that had lain too long in bed. Buffy stretched, waking up and automatically reached for her body soap. Her hand hovered, stopped and returned to pick up the bar soap that Spike always used. Irish Spring. She had sworn she would change his habit into something better but knew she never would now. This was Spike. Her nose pressed into his skin would detect this soap on him. It was something she wished she had now as she lathered her body. 

Buffy felt better after she had finished. Her teeth had been growing fur and her hair had been hopelessly tangled. Dressed in a pair of her jeans and one of his t-shirts, she returned to make the bed. The duster had been her blanket last night and she hung it carefully in the closet. He would be heart broken if something happened to it. The bed was stripped and remade. Now she had laundry to do again. She sighed as she carried it to the small laundry room off the kitchen. The sheets were shoved in the machine and Buffy started the cycle. 

Her stomach growled obviously aware that…

It was time to start.

The refrigerator was fully stocked. Spike had sent her an email with a detailed list for her to go grocery shopping with. He was going to make her Shrimp Alfredo from scratch, with a salad and toasted French bread. Now, it wasn't going to happen. _At least not with that shrimp_, Buffy thought as she sniffed it. It was going bad. She wrinkled her nose as she put it back on the shelf and made a mental note to throw it away after breakfast. Determined to eat, Buffy toasted herself a bagel, and grabbed an apple but only managed a few bites of each. She hadn't even sat down but leaned against the counter. The dishes were put in the sink for later. 

Willow had brought her class assignments and Buffy placed them with her books. She sorted them out so that this afternoon she could work on them. Her mind started to put together a schedule for the day as she put the tea kettle on. This morning she would do the laundry, clean out the refrigerator, then go over and see her parents. She knew they were worried about her. Maybe take them some of the food she had bought. It would only go to waste here…she stopped that thought. It meant that she didn't think he was coming home to use it. 

It was time to start living.

Buffy finished making her tea and took it out to the back patio. The wind softly played with her hair as the first light of day peeked out from behind the house. Aching to breathe fresh air, Buffy stepped down into the soft sand that led to the shore. Her bare toes sunk into the powdery substance as she made her way down to the water's edge. Somewhere out there was the man she loved and it was becoming harder to cling to the thought that with only a life jacket he had survived. The tears didn't come as she sat just out of the water's reach. The Coast Guard had stopped looking yesterday. The boats and helicopters had made their final sweeps, admitted defeat, and had headed home. 

She sipped her tea and tried to make sense out of what happened. Spike was a hero. He had gone overboard because he had chosen to not only protect his friend but the entire ship. They wanted to honor him with a ceremony, a memorial service that would allow his crew mates to grieve and pay homage to their friend. Buffy made another note to call Captain Roberts and apologize for her behavior when they had spoken. She swallowed as she realized she was going to let them go ahead and that she wanted to be there. 

The tea cup was put down between her feet and she loosely wrapped her arms around her knees. She finally admitted a few truths to herself. She loved Spike, would always love him, and no matter what she would always hold out hope that he would return to her. Nothing had changed since the night she said, "Until they show me his dead body, I'm waiting until he comes home to me". But she also knew…

It was time to start living her life without him.

_to be continued…_


	37. All that Glitters

**Chapter 37 – All that Glitters**

**The day had continued to hold onto the sunshine and bright skies. It helped to keep Buffy moving despite the feeling of hopelessness that existed just below the surface. After her decision on the beach, she forced herself to act on it. Her list of morning chores had been completed. She had changed into her clothes, including the baby blue top that Spike liked. Somehow she had even managed to apply makeup and put her hair up in a high ponytail. **

**Once she was satisfied that no one could tell by looking at her that her life was destroyed, she decided to check in on her parents. She had just slid the car into reverse and was preparing to back out when the O'Connor's black suburban pulled in behind her. The car was returned to park before she climbed out to see what Angel wanted. He was smiling. An almost giddy, happy smile and she shut down. **

**His arms went around her but she stood stiffly, too afraid at this point to hope.**

**"He's alive, Buffy."**

**Buffy didn't say anything or move. It was too much to comprehend. She had to be dreaming. Angel moved to cup her face so that he was gazing into her eyes.**

**"He's alive," Angel said again. "He's in a hospital in ****Santa Barbara****. He was on a boat that was damaged in the storm and they just managed to get back to land this morning. He was taken to the nearest trauma unit."**

**"Is he all right?"**

**"They were still checking him out when I got the call," Angel said. "But we need to get down there."**

**It hit her then. Spike was alive. Buffy started shaking as she reached into her car to get her purse. She moved without thinking as she headed for the suburban. Angel's arm was around her as he opened the door for her. He helped her to climb in and even fastened her seat belt for her. It was cold. So cold, she couldn't stop shaking and she wrapped her arms around herself.**

**"Do you want a jacket?"**

**Buffy could only nod and Angel reached into the backseat. He handed her his leather coat and she wrapped it around herself as she stared out the window.**

**"Faith is calling everyone to let them know so you don't need to worry about it."**

**"Emily?" Buffy said, as some reasoning returned to her shocked mind. "Did they call Emily?"**

**"Yeah, they called her."**

**"Good," Buffy whispered, wrapping her hand in Angel's. She needed the anchor of his strength. "Angel?"**

**"Yeah?"**

**"I'm not dreaming, am I?"**

**"No, baby, no dream."**

**She nodded and turned her gaze out the window. There was very little conversation on the way to the hospital. Buffy was too numb and too worried to make small talk and Angel was too busy concentrating on getting them there quickly. Thankfully, traffic wasn't bad and they arrived at the hospital in record time. While Angel looked for a parking space, Buffy went ahead and called the hospital to find out where Spike was.**

**"He's in ICU," Buffy said, her voice trembling as she clicked off the cell phone.**

**"Don't Buffy," Angel said, covering her hand again. "Don't assume the worst until we know."**

**As soon as the truck was turned off, Buffy climbed from the vehicle. Getting to Spike was the only thing that mattered. Angel stayed with her as they found their way through the unfamiliar hospital. Every corner, new hallway or elevator was a source of frustration on Buffy's over wrought nerves. If it wasn't for the comforting feel of Angel's hand on her lower back she was certain she'd go mad. **

**Even though it was only a matter of minutes it felt like hours before they approached the double doors into the Intensive Care Unit. Buffy gave a cursory glance at the U-shaped ward before she approached the nurse's station that was in the center.**

**"Excuse me," Buffy said, catching the eye of one of the nurses. "Where can I find William Nagle?"**

**"Are you family?"**

**Without a second thought or batting an eyelash, Buffy switched the ring from her right hand to her left hand. **

**"I'm his fiancée," Buffy answered, raising her hand so the nurse could see.**

**"I'm sorry, family only," the nurse said, turning away.**

**"He doesn't have any family in this country," Buffy said, reaching near panic at the thought they wouldn't let her see him. "I'm it."**

**"Excuse me, miss, what's your name?"**

**"Buffy Summers," Buffy said, turning toward the deep masculine voice. She found herself looking at an older gentleman with a doctor's coat on.**

**"I'm Dr. Thompson," the man said putting a hand toward Buffy. "I'm treating your fiancé. He was calling for you earlier."**

**"How is he?" Buffy said, shaking his hand automatically. "Is he all right?"**

**"He went through some pretty severe trauma. It looks like the fall from the ship caused a concussion and a couple of broken ribs. We're not sure of how long he was in the water before he was pulled out. He was lucky because the man who pulled him out had some medical training. They performed CPR on him and got him breathing again. But like I said the length of time in the water has given us a few problems to deal with. There's an infection in his lungs from inhaling the water. And he was dehydrated and disoriented when they brought him in. We're doing everything we can and we just have to keep an eye on him."**

**Buffy nodded, understanding some of it but some of it was too much to deal with yet.**

**"Can I see him?"**

**"Yes," Dr Thompson said. He turned to Angel. "And you're Buffy's brother right?"**

**"Yes, I am," Angel said, when Buffy was about to protest. **

**It took her a second longer to figure out what the doctor meant but it had already been taken care of. The nurse had been instructed to allow them to visit Spike and his room was pointed out to them. The shaking had returned as Buffy approached the room. Angel was with her every step of the way and she gasped when she finally saw Spike. **

**Spike was always so strong to her. Never admitting to weakness and the image before her broke her heart. He was pale against the white sheets and it was only the two day beard growth under an oxygen mask that gave any color to his face. There was an IV in one arm, a blood pressure cuff on the other arm, and some kind of monitor attached to his finger. A machine was constantly beeping in one corner with numbers that were constantly changing.**

**"Don't let it scare you," a young nurse said, coming into the room. "My name is Shelia and I'm William's nurse. The IVs are pumping antibiotics and fluid into him. The monitor on his finger is keeping track of his heart rate for us. It's a problem we have with near drowning victims. They can have irregular heartbeats so we need to keep an eye on it. He's been in and out of consciousness so don't expect anything much from him. Just be warned when he is conscious, he's confused about where he is and what's going on."**

**"Is that from the concussion?" Angel asked.**

**"Possibly or it could be from oxygen deprivation," Shelia answered. "We're not going to know for sure until he wakes up for some length of time. If you want to hold his hand, do it on the side without the monitor. Keep talking to him. He'll probably know you're here. If you need anything, give me a call."**

**With that she was gone. Angel pulled a chair over for Buffy to sit on. She dropped her purse on the floor, took a seat and curled her hand into Spike's. **

**"Hey, Spike," Buffy said, her thumb stroking the back of his hand. "I'm so happy to see you. I've been worried about you but you just had to go off on your own didn't you."**

**There wasn't any response but Buffy continued to talk to him. Little things about what she'd been doing without him, the sonogram of Faith's baby, the plans she had for the house. Every once in a while Sheila came in to check on him, or to change the IV bags when they were empty. Usually visiting hours were severely restricted but they let Buffy stay. They said that since she had arrived and was talking to him, his blood pressure had become normal so they bent the rules.**

**Angel left for awhile but came back with food for her. He stayed with Spike while she went to use the restroom and breathe a little fresh air. She gave a quick call to Emily to give her an update and promised to call if anything should change. It was approaching ****eight o'clock**** when Buffy told Angel to go home. **

**"No, I'm not leaving you."**

**"Go home," Buffy said. "Get some sleep. Come back tomorrow with some clean clothes and stuff for me."**

**"Look, I'll call ****Willow**** to pack some stuff and bring it up tomorrow but I'm not leaving."**

**Buffy quit arguing. She would feel better knowing that he was close by. Since they wouldn't let Angel stay in the room with Spike and Buffy, he ended up checking into a hotel down the street. The nurse shift had changed and a new nurse was now monitoring Spike. She brought a blanket for Buffy who was still curled up in the chair next to the bed. Her hand was still in Spike's. **

**The quiet of the night had descended on the hospital. The visitor's were gone and the patients were sleeping. This was the worst time for Buffy. It only brought back so many memories of when her mother had spent months in the hospital. The jargon, the needles, even the catheter, was all familiar to her. Once the nurse realized that Buffy understood a lot of what was going into Spike's care, they spoke more freely.**

**It was then that she found out that the disorientation that Spike was experiencing could end up being permanent neurological damage. It could cause him difficulty with concentration, organization, memory or even change his personality. It could also be a deciding factor in whether he could maintain a job and thus jeopardize him ever getting a green card. **

**It was almost ****midnight**** and Buffy was floating somewhere just on the other side of sleep. At first she just felt a slight twitching against her hand. She opened her eyes and leaned closer to Spike.**

**"Spike, it's me, Buffy. I'm right here. You're all right."**

**"Where's my mum?" Spike croaked.**

**"She…she stepped out for a moment," Buffy lied, unsure of what to do but knowing she didn't want to upset him anymore. "She'll be back in a minute."**

**"I want my mum," Spike cried, his eyes fluttering open. They were filled with fright as he glanced around the room. "Where am I? I want to go home."**

**"I know, baby, soon," Buffy said, soothingly. She stroked his forehead while keeping an iron grip on his hand. "They just need to watch you a little longer and then I can take you home."**

**"I don't want to be here," Spike said, his eyes filling with tears. "It all hurts. Why are they hurting me?" His hand reached for the IV but Buffy grabbed it. She pressed the call button for the nurse as Spike tried to fight her and sit up. "Stop it. I don't want you touching me. Somebody help me."**

**Two nurses, one male, came running into the room.**

**"We are going to have to ask you to leave," Sheila's replacement said. **

**There wasn't a choice. Buffy backed up out of the room, watching as they tried to calm Spike down. A shot was put into his IV that she presumed was a tranquilizer. The adrenaline of trying to deal with Spike died and fear was quickly replacing it. She cried almost as loud as he did when they put wrist restraints on him.**

**She turned and ran. She kept running until she was outside in the night air. There she crumpled onto the sidewalk. The pain and exhaustion she was feeling overwhelmed her. Questions continued to run through her mind as she rocked herself. What if his mind was gone? What if he didn't know who she was? What was their future if he couldn't hold down a job? She didn't know the answers but she knew the truth. Her eyes rested on the diamond ring that glittered on her finger and knew that in her heart she had already made the vows that it represented. No matter what happened she would always stand beside him.**

**to**** be continued…**


	38. Yours

**Chapter 38 – Yours**

Buffy sighed loudly as she rolled over onto her back. Her eyes roved over the ordinary hotel room that was lit by the neon light advertising a fast food restaurant across the street. Her stomach grumbled its empty status at her. She couldn't sleep, her body wanted food that her mind said it would reject and her heart physically hurt. 

Earlier, after she had cried on the front walk of the hospital, she had returned to the ICU ward to check on Spike. The nurse had brought out her purse and told her they had given him a sedative to make him sleep. She stood in the shadows with tears falling down her cheeks, watching him as he worked at the restraints. It was heartbreaking to know he was afraid but that she couldn't comfort him. That for some reason he didn't want her near him. Finally his movements slowed as he fell under the seductive lure of the medicine. And when he wasn't moving except for the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, she left. Angel came back to pick her up and on the way back to the hotel she decided to share his room. She wasn't sure if she could handle being alone and wanted the reassurance of her friend.

"Buffy, you okay?" Angel asked from the other bed. 

"No, not really," Buffy said, turning to face him. He was already lying on his side and watching her. "I need chocolate."

Angel laughed as she requested her cure all for everything.

"There's a vending machine down the hall. What do you want?"

"Ice cream," Buffy responded, sitting up while trying to keep the sheet over her. "And pajamas, and clean underwear and magazines and…"

"Get up, brat," Angel said, laughing as he reached for his jeans. "There's a Super Wal-mart down the street."

"Shopping?" Buffy inquired hopefully. She knew that she probably shouldn't be excited about shopping she was. It was something ordinary in the extraordinariness of the last few days.  "You mean like buying stuff?"

"Yeah, we can get stuff we'll need since it seems like we might be here for a few days."

"Turn around," Buffy said, waiting until he did before she slipped from the bed. Before Spike she had no qualms about prancing around in front of Angel half naked. A bikini by the pool wouldn't bother her but she belonged to Spike now. To her that meant even sharing this room was too personal and letting him see her in her underwear was pushing the boundaries. She hurriedly pulled her clothes on, put her hair up in a pony tail again and grabbed her purse. "Let's go."

Excitement danced along the edge of her conscious as they pulled into the parking lot. Shopping was and had been her personal stress buster in the past few years. This was just what she needed. She caught Angel's smile as she pushed the cart down the aisle. Men's Wear was first. She helped Angel pick out a couple of changes of clothing and she ended up getting an outfit for Spike, too. He'd need something to wear home was her excuse. Next they picked out things for her. A couple pairs of jeans, t-shirts, a light jacket for when the hospital was too cold. Once she was satisfied she had everything she'd need she turned the cart toward the intimates section. 

"Spike's not going to like those," Angel commented as she threw a pack of plain cotton panties in the cart. "He's very particular about what he wants you wearing."

Buffy giggled. "Well, it will give him incentive to get better." She paused as she sorted through a rack to find the right size bra.  After finding what she was looking for, she threw them on the growing pile in the cart. "Okay, now food. Please?"

Angel laughed as they headed toward the food section. Buffy headed for the candy and cookie aisle while Angel headed in another direction. She wasn't worried. He probably needed something and would catch up with her. A few candy bars and a bag of cookies later she turned to find he still wasn't with her. She went to the end of the aisle and looked in both directions. He was coming toward her. When she dumped her sweets in she saw he had picked up assorted crackers that were filled with cheese and peanut butter.

"You need something to give you strength, too," Angel said, sheepishly. 

"Thank you," Buffy said, appreciating that he was there to help her out. "Now, reading material?"

"How about some cooking ware or a new purse?"

His tone was joking but it made Buffy realize something. She detoured through the purse department to get a tote bag to carry the stuff in. Next was a quick run through toiletries and the last stop was for magazines and books. She got an assortment of magazines for her, bought a book that Spike had talked about reading for him and Angel threw in a copy of _The Hobbit_.

"Comfort read," Angel replied to her silent inquiry. He shrugged and continued, "I was thinking you could read to him and he wouldn't have to concentrate too much because he's already read it."

This time Buffy hugged him. It was good to lean on someone that she knew would be there for her. It was a revelation that followed them to the check out line. Angel reached for his wallet but Buffy told him no. She reached into her purse and took out the credit card that Spike had ordered for her. The one she had fought against because she didn't want him taking care of her. It wasn't about that she realized. It was about trust and truly being a couple. By using it she was taking one more step to the commitment that she wanted. 

~~~~~~~~

Spike had his eyes closed when Buffy and Angel slipped into his room. Shelia, his nurse, was back this morning and had told them that he had been awake earlier. His vitals were strong but that he was still a little out of it. Buffy breathed a sigh of relief to see that the restraints had been removed. She put the tote bag down and sat in the chair next to his bed. She watched as Angel went to sit in the chair in the corner. 

There was such a lost look to the man she loved that it made her ache. The beard was getting thicker making him appear sinister. His lashes lay against the deep shadows that ringed his eyes while the rest of his face was so pale. The curls that were always contentious to him were running wild without anything to tame them. It was his hands that made her want to cry though. Always so strong and sure when they held her were fluttering as if they were trying to take flight. Bruises from the IV's covered the backs of both hands and journeyed up his arms to where a needle still intruded on the inside of one elbow.

Hesitantly, Buffy let one finger drift over his free hand. She jumped when his finger curled around hers.

"Buffy?" Spike croaked. 

Flooded with relief, Buffy leaned forward. "Yes, Spike, I'm here."

He only nodded and drifted back to wherever he had been. There wasn't anything to do but wait for him to wake up. She pulled out a magazine to read until he returned to her. From the looks of it, it was going to be a long day. Angel left, restless in the turmoil sameness, and she was left alone. There was nothing to keep her interest in the printed material and she soon just tossed it on the table. 

Sheila came in every once in awhile to check on him. It was edging toward lunch when the doctor came in. He shook Spike's shoulder and Buffy was surprised at how quickly he opened his eyes to look at the doctor.

"How are you feeling?" 

"Like shit," Spike said. 

Dr. Thompson read through the file he was holding. "I'm going to have a physical therapist to come in this afternoon to run you through some maneuvers to see how your coordination is. Okay?"

Spike nodded.

"You haven't run a fever this morning so it looks like your infection is coming under control. So, how do you feel about eating a light lunch?"

"Sounds good."

"Okay, I'll have them order you a lunch. Do you want me to have them send an extra for Buffy?"

"She'll probably want to get out of here," Spike answered before Buffy could say anything. "She's been sitting here all morning."

It stung that he hadn't even asked her but she tried to push it away. Just like she had the traitorous thought that he had been feigning sleep so he wouldn't have to talk to her. Trying to make herself feel better, she told herself that she could have lunch with Angel. Get some fresh air and some new perspective.

A few minutes later the doctor left and Spike turned to look at her. It was then she knew she hadn't been wrong. There was wariness in his eyes that made her shiver from the lonely feeling it left her with. She slipped her hand back in his.

"I don't mind staying with you if you want me too," Buffy said. "I came prepared for hospital wait time. I've got magazines, snacks and books that I can read to you if you like."

"There's no reason for you to stay," Spike said, turning his head.

"Hey, Spike," Angel said, walking back into the room. "I'm glad you're awake."

"Me, too."

Buffy withdrew as the two men talked. She was trying very hard not to take the rejection personally. It had to be because he was in the hospital or something. It didn't have anything to do with her and she worried the ring on her finger.

"Buffy," Spike said. "Go with Angel for a little while. Get some fresh air and stuff."

"All right," Buffy said, standing. She leaned over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "I love you."

Spike only nodded and she could feel his eyes on her until she disappeared from his view. Angel was good to her. He took her to a small café that overlooked the bay. In his company she didn't have to say much or be anything but who she was. Their time was leisurely because suddenly she wasn't sure if she wanted to be around Spike. If it hadn't been early morning for her, Buffy would have called Emily to speak with her. At this point she was willing to do anything to figure out the mystery that Spike was presenting her with. She sighed and pushed around the lettuce in her salad some more.

"Buffy, don't take it personally," Angel said. 

"He doesn't want me around him," Buffy said, looking on in amazement as Angel took a huge bite of his hamburger. At least his appetite wasn't in question. "He ignored me all morning and…"

"Did you ever think that there's something he doesn't want to admit to you? Maybe something he's afraid to tell you."

"Like what?" Buffy asked, pushing her plate away and leaning back. She rubbed at her upper arms to try and comfort herself.

"Remember what they were talking about last night. The brain damage he might suffer from?"

"But he knows who I am and he was talking fine."

"There were other things," Angel said, putting his sandwich down. "The coordination, concentration, and possible personality change."

"Oh my god," Buffy said, her eyes filling with tears. "What if…?"

"There you go again," Angel said. "Don't take things personally right now and don't borrow trouble. You just need to be there for him."

She nodded. Somehow she had to find a way but she knew it was hard not to take it to heart when there were still so many things left unsaid between them. By the time they returned to the hospital, Buffy had plastered on her happy face that she had learned so well over the years. It was funny because it was the first time she felt she had to wear it around Spike.

"Hi, there," Buffy said, smiling brightly before kissing Spike's cheek again. "You were right. I did need some fresh air."

"Hey, pet," Spike said. "Did you have a good lunch?"

"Yeah, I did," Buffy said, her face hurting from the grin she was forcing on. "Do you need anything? Do you want me to read to you?"

"No, not now," Spike said. "I think I want to catch a nap."

"Okay."

It hurt again but she ignored it. She tucked the covers around his body, ignored his grunt and straightened his pillows. Next she closed the blinds before settling back into the chair by the window. 

_Give him space_, she thought. It was all she could do. Wait for him to come to her, until he needed something that she could provide. The air was tense between them but she remained quiet. His eyes were closed again. Almost an hour passed with nothing said, with her own eyes closed as she let him pretend. Sheila came bustling into the room to take his vitals and Buffy watched through half shuttered eyes. 

His temperature, the blood pressure and then she went to empty his urine bag. It was then that things began to be clearer. Spike's lips were tightly drawn and he turned his head away.  There was a flush of color on his cheekbones to give away his embarrassment, his frustration at the situation and Buffy turned toward the hallway. Somehow she forced her feet to move until she was outside the room. She stared at the doorway that led to where the man she loved was. Her emotions were only getting stronger with each passing moment. It was time to tell him. She waited for Sheila to leave the room before making her way back. 

"God damn it," Buffy heard Spike say right before she saw him. Her mouth formed an 'o' as she watched him try to pick up a cup of water. His hand wouldn't connect and finally he just backhanded it across the room. "Go away, Buffy, you don't want to be here," he snarled at her.

Buffy moved until she was leaning over him. Her hands planted on either side of him. Spike tried desperately not to look at her. His eyes roved over the room while she waited for him to run out of places and things to see. His jaw clenched and unclenched, his body tensed below her and his eyes blinked furiously. Finally, though, he gave up and turned to gaze up at her.

"I love you, William," Buffy said, determinedly. "Yes, I said William because I love all of you. I want to spend my life with you. The marriage vows that I want to take say, in sickness and in health, and I'm willing to stand by those. I don't give a rat's ass if you need a urine bag emptied, or if you can't pick up a cup, or if you're lying on your back." She stopped for a moment to swallow the tears that were choking her and falling onto his face. "All I care about is that you're alive and you're with me. Don't get all fucking noble on me and tell me I don't know what I'm getting into because I do. My mother, remember? The months she was in the hospital, the times that I had to clean up after her, lift her, and help her bathe. I know how bad it can get."

"My mother died in the hospital," Spike said, as he started to cry himself. Everything he felt was there in his face, the fear, the frustration, the loneliness, and the hope that she wouldn't walk away from him no matter how bad it got. 

"I know, Spike, I know," Buffy said gently. She sat beside him and wiped at his tears. Her fingers taking the excuse to be able to touch him again, to reacquaint themselves with the places of his face, drifted over his cheeks and down to cup his chin. "I know you're frightened. I'm scared, too but I want to be scared with you. Please don't push me away."

Spike nodded, and then through the emotions that were taking him over, begged her, "Hold me, Buffy, please hold me."

And she did.

_to be continued…_


	39. My Girl

**Chapter 39 – My Girl  **

Spike was glaring at her. He was in the middle of one of his post-accident tantrums. The nursing staff was avoiding him except when it was absolutely necessary. He'd pulled out the IV needle that was in the back of his hand because it hadn't been used since the day before. Blood had spurted everywhere and they had to change his bedding. They'd threatened to put restraints on him again if he didn't cooperate. 

The current argument was over a sponge bath. 

Since his vitals had been steady for at least twenty-four hours they'd moved him to a regular room. The catheter was gone to his immense happiness. Only an IV was left to send antibiotics into his system because the infection in his lungs was still lingering. There were still problems from the head trauma that were being investigated along with his healing ribs. 

He'd just gotten settled him in the private room the shipping company had offered to pay for, when a young CNA had come in to bathe him. Spike had reduced her to tears with a few well chosen words and sent her running from the room. Buffy watched the girl leave then stalked over to the bed, hands on her hips, embarrassment and anger making her body shake.

"How could you do that?" Buffy said, glaring down at Spike. "She was just trying to do her job."

"I don't want that twit touching me," Spike snarled, looking toward the window. He closed his eyes for a moment then turned his gaze back to Buffy. "There are limits to what I'll let them humiliate me with."

"Oh, yes," Buffy said, ignoring the look in his eyes. He still needed to get out of this mood he was in. "I forgot this was a personal vendetta to make Spike unhappy."

"Don't lecture me," Spike snapped, turning back to her. "I don't need you mothering me."

"Well, if I were your mother, I'd turn you over my knee and spank you."

The moment the words were out of her mouth she wished she could take them back. It was just too much ammunition for Spike to ignore and he didn't. He arched one brow at her then his lips twitched and finally he broke out laughing. 

"Will you wear leather?" 

"Oh, you are such a pig, Spike," Buffy said, hoping he would drop it if he thought she was annoyed. No, of course not, not Spike, he couldn't let it go until he had thoroughly pissed her off.

"Oink, oink," Spike said, laughing. "So, how far do I have to push you before I get punished?" He wiggled his hips. "And will you do it bare bottom?"

"You are about to get dumped," Buffy said, throwing her arms up in exasperation. 

"Big with the threats this morning, aren't you?"

"Forget it," Buffy said, slumping into the chair. "If you want to smell bad then smell bad, if you want to make fun of me then, fine…just go ahead." She crossed her arms and looked away from him. His teasing wasn't funny to her. There was so much to his sexual past that she still didn't know about and it always made her wonder if he missed it.

"Buffy, I'm sorry," Spike said softly. His laughter had stopped. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You did," Buffy said, sighing. She peeked over at him and was heartened that he did look contrite. There was still a trace of a smile tugging at his lips though. His eyes were dancing and she gave up. She giggled. "Hmmph, keep this attitude up and you'll never see me in leather."

"Come here, pet," Spike said. There was such a pull from the look on his face that she had no choice but to obey. She moved to his side and sat on the bed. Her hand wrapped around his and he tugged her closer. "Oh, I promise that one day I will."

Buffy bent down, rubbed her nose against his, and whispered against his lips, "Keep dreaming."

"Oh, I am, I am."

They both laughed and it was all okay between them again. He sighed and looked up at her with a resigned look on his face. 

"Call her back in here and I'll close my eyes while she's washing my dangling parts."

_Like hell_, Buffy thought, as a vision of the young woman bathing her Spike filled her mind. _No one is touching you but me_.

Suddenly a wicked thought crossed her mind and she told Spike she'd be back as she disappeared to get the necessary supplies.

~~~~~~~~

It had to be a dream but there was no way Spike was going to pinch himself to see. There was always the chance that he'd wake up and he didn't want to miss a moment of this, dream or no dream. The water was warm, the soap tart and clean smelling, and the cloth soft as it stroked his skin. Buffy's hand was wrapped around his ankle, holding his leg aloft while she washed his foot. 

He had a favorite fantasy that he would run through his mind during the lonely nights on the ship. Watching Buffy now, feeling the need to touch her and knowing he couldn't, and the air that crackled between them made him want to share it with her. 

"You want to know what I want to do when I get home?"

"What?" Buffy glanced up at him absently before dipping the washcloth back in the water and squeezing it out. She started on his leg. Long, leisurely strokes from his ankle to his knee until the hair clung to his skin in damp curls. 

"It's going to be late in the afternoon," Spike said, his voice deliberately low. "That time of day when our bedroom is filled with sunlight, casting its bright warmth over everything."

Buffy had finished his lower legs and was drying them with soft caresses.

"You're going to lead me into the room, stopping in this sunbeam, so that it's making your hair almost light up. You're the most exquisite creature I've ever seen." 

For a fraction of a second Buffy hesitated before leaving a trail of lather along his thigh.

"I come to you. My footsteps are slow because I'm afraid you're going to ride that sunbeam right out of my life. But you're there when I lay my hand on your shoulder. I can feel myself getting hard already." 

He double checked that the door and shades were closed. Confident they were wrapped up in a facsimile of privacy, he returned his gaze to where Buffy was separating his legs to wash his inner thighs. 

"You've got that little smile that you get when you're waiting. Waiting to be rewarded, to be kissed or made love to, that smile says you're waiting for me. So, I work up my courage and start to undress you. You don't object and everything lights up inside me because this is mine. No one else's but mine. And I kiss your flesh as I uncover it, your shoulders, your breasts, tasting them with the tip of my tongue before falling on my knees in front of you."

Her hands were shaking as she twisted the cloth then dipped it in the water again. Spike looked up at her face where her eyes were demurely down but her cheeks were high with color. She turned back to wiping the soap from his legs.

"I move to undo your pants, unbuttoning them, pulling the zipper down so I can kiss that part of your stomach between your belly button and where your panties start."

She gave a soft intake of breathe then a slow exhale. The blanket was pulled up over his legs. 

"It's so soft there, I can smell you, and it's teasing me to come closer but I resist. There are other things to do first."

Her hands slid along his shoulders, dipping behind his neck to untie the gown. Feather light were her fingers as they pulled the gown down his arms.

"I stand and pick you up. You're so trusting, so loving me with the look in your eyes. No one has ever made me feel like you do. I lay you down on our bed but it's got a different comforter. A big, fluffy white down comforter that makes you feel like you're floating on a cloud. Your hair is all spread out over it. The only thing you're wearing now are these pink, lace panties. I can see your dark curls shadowed under them. Have I ever told you that I love the fact that you don't shave completely? Those soft curls guarding that sweet valley. I always feel like I have to earn my way to the center of you."

Warm water was being dipped over his hands as Buffy washed them. Each digit receiving its due as she ran the cloth over them then rinsed them. Her fingers were sliding and slipping between his under the bubbly water.

"I crawl up between your legs and they open for me. You giggle as your finger trails along your thigh, giving me a trail to follow. And, baby, I follow without hesitation. The secrets you're going to share are what I'm dreaming of, what gives me a reason to wake in the morning. I lay down on top of you for a moment so I can kiss you. Your hands hold my face and your tongue tangles with mine. Candy, sweet candy kisses is what you're giving me."

Buffy looked up at him. Her tongue darting out to lick her lips before she looked away again. But he knows. He knows her too well. Her pupils are dilating and he knows she is as turned on as he is. 

"But it's not enough, Buffy, it never is," Spike said. "I think I could live for an eternity and I would never have enough of you. I give you one last kiss before sliding down your body. Your so tiny, pet, how can you hold me like I've never been held before? My tongue has to taste you as I go, licking the underneath of your breast, the salt from the sweat that tells me that you're as hot as I am. I can hear your heartbeat, beating out your love for me. I suckle at your breast, and I want to stay. But you're calling to me, whispering to me, arching up against me. Your thighs are spread even more. Your toes caressing my thighs, my hips, then back again."

The cloth was being drawn across his chest in slow motions. She was drawing the bath out. He smiled, pleased that he was pleasing her. 

"I force myself to continue down your stomach, kissing, licking and nipping at your skin. My hands are on your ass, clutching at the cheeks, pulling your panties off, then I'm there. You're so ready that even your curls are glistening with your wetness. I take a deep breath. Nothing else with that scent in all the world. I need you so much and I finally give in. No more teasing and I let my tongue taste you from bottom to top. I hear you moan and your hips come up, pushing my face deeper against you. You're drowning me, Luv; you're drowning a willing man." 

Buffy climbed into the bed next to him. She was a shield between him and the door. She drew the washcloth along his stomach, pushing the gown further down with each stroke. Her head settled on his shoulder and a kiss was place on the spot right beneath his ear.

"Don't stop," Buffy whispered. The back of her hand brushed against the tip of his cock and it was his turn to inhale sharply. "Please, Spike?"

He swallowed. "I start over at the beginning," Spike said, his breath coming in small gasps as the cloth is drawn down the length of him. "This trip though I take the time to explore. Your so swollen, and waiting for me. I run my tongue in a circle around it and your thrashing beneath me and I let my fingers draw soothing circles on your hip. Your fingers are pulling at my hair so I give in. My tongue strokes it, up and down, darting back and forth. My fingers reach underneath me, slipping inside you, in and out. You're calling my name…"

"Spike," Buffy groaned, as she moved restlessly beside him. The cloth had been forgotten somewhere. Her hand slippery with soap was wrapped around him. Her breath was hot against his chest. 

"It's so good. You taste so good. My fingers curl inside you, reaching all the way inside. My mouth is sucking on you. You don't stop moving and I know your close…oh, my god, I'm going to lose it soon, baby…"

"Need you so much…"

Her hand was stroking him faster forcing him to lose his train of thought. She lifted her leg over his so that his thigh was pressed against her. Her hips started moving so that she was stimulated. A haze of need was all around them. 

"I keep lapping at you…ahhh, tasting you, that's it; Buffy...my tongue replaces my fingers so that I'm darting in and out of you. My thumb comes over your hip to slide into you. Oh, god, baby…"

Her fingers teased at him before they wrapped around him again. Sliding upwards, her thumb circled the tip before traveling down again. Her rhythm increased in speed with each upward stroke.

"I push hard on you while my tongue reaches inside you…I can't hold out…it's been so long…baby, baby, baby, Buffy, yesssssss…"

Spike came in a long slow orgasm. His body was shaking from the emotional as well as the physical release. It never ceased to amaze him how much she gave of herself for him. It would take him lifetimes to return it. He turned his head and pressed his lips to hers. 

"Take my hand, Buffy," Spike pleaded, hating that he couldn't do it. She didn't seem to mind as she did what he requested. She knew what he wanted. It was what she wanted too as she opened her legs. She pressed his hand against the material damp with her desire.

"Talk to me."

"Oh, pet, you feel so good. Wish you were naked, wrapped around me, I'd slide so far into you that you'd wonder if I could ever get out…"

"You fill me up…I wonder how you fit."

Their joined hands sped up, rubbing against the velour covered junction, and he nuzzled against her face.

"Oh, yeah, gonna fill you up then I'm going to fuck you into the mattress over and over, make you scream and beat your feet against my back…"  
  


"Sweet words…please…"

She was panting. She was so close.

"Don't you know what you do to me? You take me to heaven…make me feel like a man…in your arms I am a man. Your love, your body, a precious gift that this sinner never thought he could ever hope to have…you made me love you, Buffy, with all my heart."

"Oooooh," Buffy moaned, as her body gave in. 

Her legs closed over his hand and he felt every throb of her body as she rode out her orgasm. Tears fell on his chest and he kissed her softly.

"My girl?"

"Always…"

to be continued….


	40. Almost Home

**Chapter 40 – Almost Home**

Spike concentrated on wrapping his fingers around the Styrofoam cup. Quickly he glanced to see what Buffy and Angel were doing but they were still staring at the television. He had his hand wrapped around it, now all he had to do was pick it up and bring it to his mouth. He wanted to scream in frustration at having to think about doing something that he used to take for granted. 

_Never again_, he vowed as his hand shook from the effort of holding the drink. 

Buffy grabbed the slice of pizza that was in his other hand.  Their eyes met for a moment as she set it back on his plate. Apparently while concentrating on getting a drink his other hand was letting go. She didn't make a big deal or rush to help him with the drink, just returned to watching the movie and nibbling on her own veggie pizza.

The straw went up his nose and then it jabbed him in the cheek. He gave up.

"Pet, the straw," Spike said, softly. And just as he knew she would, she reached over and directed the tip into his mouth. The icy cola tasted wonderful. He had been overjoyed when Angel had shown up with pizza and sodas in hand. The hospital food was okay but it couldn't compare to this. It was the nectar of the gods as far as he was concerned.

With Buffy's help, he managed to switch out the soda for the pizza again. She was sitting beside him on the bed, leaning against him. It felt good. He turned to her because he needed more. He needed their connection. Their eyes met and her lips turned up with that special smile she had just for him. It told of their secret pleasure they had shared a few days ago. It let him know that he had made her happy. For the first time making someone else happy was becoming his main concern.

Buffy leaned forward, pressing her lips to his, and it was perfect. Their tongues tangled quickly before they separated. Unable to let her go just yet, he tugged on her lower lip with his teeth before releasing her. 

He was hoping that tomorrow they would release him and he could go home. Someplace where he could make love to Buffy over and over again. Tell her all the things she wanted to hear and he was ready to say. 

"Love you, pet," Spike mouthed, watched her flush with delight then turned back to reality. 

Angel was steadfastly ignoring them as he munched on another slice of their pepperoni pizza.

"So, Willow and Tara are coming up tonight?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, they'll be here," Angel said. 

Spike nodded. After their lunch, Angel was returning to Sunnydale and his job. The _Darla_ was finally sailing the next day after an additional layover for repairs and the hiring of new crew. Neither of them wanted Buffy dealing alone so they had asked Willow and Tara to come up to stay with her. They had been eager to help and were bringing some things that Buffy needed from home.

Everything seemed to be slowly working out for them. 

Angel had only one more run on the _Darla_ then he would be transferred to a ship that sailed out of England. Emily had offered to let Angel stay with her family when he had layovers in London. And if his frequent phone calls to England were any indication then he had his own relationship in the making with the girl that their current ship was named after.

And Spike had an appointment with the INS the next week to see if he could get the necessary paperwork to stay in the US. They were keeping their fingers crossed that everything would be smooth sailing. His company was backing him even with his injuries, the O'Connor's had offered to sponsor him and he'd already applied to college thanks to Willow and the technology of being able to do it online. 

If he was turned down then Spike had decided to ask Buffy to go to England with him. Nothing was going to make him let go of her. Not again.

"Well, well, for a dying man you seem to have taken the grand prize for an angel," someone said from the doorway.

Spike looked up. It was the men who had rescued him, Lindsey and Lorne. He grinned as they came into the room.

"Hey there," Spike said. "I was wondering if I was ever going to see the two of you again."

"Not going to get rid of us that easily, sweet cheeks," Lorne said. "Introduce us to your friends." He waved his hand. "Not that you need to tell us who this sweet young thing is. You have got to be Buffy."

"Yep, that's me," Buffy said, standing to shake Lorne's hand. "And you are?"

"I'm Lorne and this here is Lindsey. He's the owner of that wonderful little boat we were on that got stranded."

"Hey, I got a raw deal," Lindsey said. "Nice to meet you," he said to Buffy. "Spike did nothing but call for you the whole two days we were floating out there."

"He's a bit of a baby," Angel said, with a grin. "He needed his Buffy to take care of him."

Spike quickly did proper introductions for everyone. He was glad that the two men had come to see him. If it wasn't for them fishing him out of the water and performing CPR on him then he would have most certainly died. He owed them a lot and wanted the chance to repay them.

"So, you doing okay?" Lindsey asked.

"Yeah, pretty much," Spike said. "My coordination is shot to hell at the moment but they're telling me that with time it should clear up. Either it's going to heal or the rest of my brain is going to take over."

"What's this stuff for?" Lorne asked, running a finger over the IV tube.

"Antibiotics," Buffy said. "He still has a bit of a lung infection."

"He should with the crap he was coughing up," Lindsey said. "The first time that I have to perform CPR, I draw the jackpot. First off I get a man and then he throws up sea water in my mouth."

"Best luck you've had in a while," Spike said, laughing along with the others. "How do you think I felt? Thought I'd gone to hell. That's why I kept screaming for Buffy to come rescue me."

"Woohoo," Lorne said, grabbing Buffy's hand. "You didn't tell us you were engaged to her. Nice ring."

"It's pretty recent," Spike said, softly. He looked up at Buffy who was trying not to make a big deal about it. Neither one had brought up the subject of the ring that was still on her finger. But as far as he was concerned it wasn't coming off. "A man comes face to face with death and he realizes what is important in life."

"Yes," Buffy said, glancing over at him. "I think we both learned what's important. Thank you both so much for bringing him home to me."

"It wasn't a problem at all," Lindsey said. "It was my good deed for the day."

The five of them talked for awhile longer ending with promises of getting together in the near future. Spike knew they would do it too. Those two days on the boat he had shared so much of his soul in his fever induced ramblings. They had listened to him and taken care of him. Somehow he knew it was the beginning of a long friendship.

~~~~~~~

"Are you sure you have everything?" Buffy asked, looking around the room.

"Yes, I'm sure," Spike said, reaching for her. "Quit worrying so much. This is the first day of the rest of our lives." He wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed then he kissed the top of her head. "It's going to be okay."

"I know," Buffy said, running her hands along his arms. "It's just…" She sighed. "Please don't take this the wrong way but it's a little overwhelming that we're going to be together all the time."

Thankfully he laughed. "No more breaks, Buffy. It's now or never. You going to take me home or send me out on my own?"

Buffy turned around and pulled him to her. "You are going home with me. No where else." She cupped his face. "I'd rather be mad that you're under my feet than be missing you."

"Good," Spike whispered against her lips. "There's no place I'd rather be than under you, uh, preferably somewhere else than your feet but I'll take what I can get."

It was still there, the excitement, the wonder, when he kissed her. She felt like she was sixteen again when his tongue darted in her mouth. He loved her. He wanted her and she wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Her arms found their way around his neck as they tangled and played in a promise of what was to come. 

"Oh, goodness," Willow's voice sounded behind them. "Just can't leave them alone for two seconds before they're at it again."

"It's cute," Tara said, giggling.

Reluctantly they broke apart but Spike kept her in his arms as they turned to face their friends. 

"We ready to go?" Spike asked.

"Yep, we're all checked out of the hotel," Willow said. "The bill was already taken care of courtesy of Masters Shipping. They're really taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are," Buffy answered, beaming up at Spike. "He's their hero as well as mine."

"I ain't no bloody hero," Spike said, looking down at his feet. "I was just a bloke doing what needed to be done."

"And that's a hero, mister," Willow said. "So, don't forget it."

"Yes, ma'am," Spike smiled bashfully. "Can we go home now?"

"Not until you get in," Sheila interrupted as she brought a wheelchair in. "No arguing. I'm using my break to make sure that you are out of this hospital. The nurses on both floors are having a party to celebrate your departure."

"I won the worst patient award, didn't I?" Spike asked, walking over to hug the nurse who had helped him out. "I want you to know that I appreciate everything you did for me. Tell them all that I'm sorry for being an ass."

Shelia actually looked surprised when Spike thanked her. Buffy couldn't have been prouder of him. His emotions since the accident had been a lot freer. It was a good and a bad thing but times like this it made the anger a little easier to accept. 

Spike sat in the wheelchair like a good boy for the ride out of the hospital. His unwillingness to be weak did show up when Buffy tried to carry the bags. He insisted they be put on his lap which Buffy did gratefully. It was a small compromise that was worth it. He waved at the nurses as they went past the station accepting their applause with good humor. And the closer to the entrance they got the more he looked like a little boy being taken somewhere special. Buffy felt the same way. Spike was coming home with her.

~~~~~~~

Buffy was in his arms.

They were scrunched together in the back seat of Willow's economy car. They didn't need to try and cuddle. There wasn't much choice in the small space. Not that he was complaining. He was in the only place he wanted to be. He accepted that now without reservation. Building a life with the woman in his arms was the only priority he had. 

It was almost unbearable to accept how much she had been hurt by what had happened. He knew he hadn't made it any easier with his attitude but he had every intention of making it up to her.  

Her happiness that they were going home together was evident in the grip of her hand in his, her fingertips fluttering across his face and lips; the pressing of her mouth to his, the fear in her eyes that she would find it was just a dream. Spike did everything he could to reassure her but he knew that only time could heal what had happened to them. 

"I love you," Buffy whispered, nuzzling his cheek. "I'm so glad we're almost home."

"Me too, baby, me too."

Spike shifted just enough so that he could capture her mouth. The softness of her lips clung to his as his fingers slipped into her hair to keep her close. Fevered, quick kisses were all they could manage as their bodies shifted closer together. He was leaning against the side of the car while Buffy melted into him. Her nipples were poking through her t-shirt to tease him with her arousal. Her hands slipped behind his neck keeping him close to her. A whimper was all she gave as he leaned her back and slid his tongue between her lips. He could taste the hunger of the woman as his tongue explored the warm recesses of her mouth. Buffy opened wider when he circled her tongue with his but he barely touched it, skirting along the inside of her cheeks. The teasing became more intense as she played tag with him. Their tongues darted, teased, and chased from one to the other until Spike closed his teeth gently over her tongue. 

Buffy giggled when he flicked the tip of hers with his. The vibration added to the sensations that were overloading him from just being this close to her. Her leg shifted just a bit until it was resting against where his erection was straining against the confines of his jeans. The line between reason and drowning was close as his thumb brushed against the side of her breast. They were back to the hungry play of their tongues, shifting until she was practically on his lap. 

The world had slipped away from them until the sound of a car honking broke them apart. Spike glanced toward the front of the car but neither of the girls was paying attention or at least being obvious about it if they were. Their own hands were entwined while the CD player played something light and romantic.

Spike pulled Buffy close to give them time to cool off. Making love to her had been the only thing he had been thinking about for the last couple of days. He forced himself to accept that Buffy might need some time to adjust to being home before he seduced her. It would be hard but for her he'd wait. She shifted in his arms, pulling his head toward her.

"I can't wait to get home," Buffy whispered, nuzzling his ear. "Because all I can think about is getting you naked."

Surprised he looked into her eyes and saw his own hunger mirrored in their depths. He grinned because if he hadn't been in love before he was now.

"Oh, yeah…," Spike whispered before he lowered his head to kiss her again.

It was only a matter of time.

_To be continued…_


	41. Behind Closed Doors

**Chapter 41 – Behind Closed Doors**

The front door swung behind them. They looked at each other then cautiously peered out the window until Willow's car was out of the driveway. After almost six weeks of separation, agonizing loss, bittersweet reunion, no privacy and not really touching, they were finally alone. It was a bit overwhelming with all the possibilities.

Spike swallowed, trying to decide what to do. Should he suggest sex? She had implied she wanted it as much as he did. Should he suggest a nap? He hated to admit it but it actually sounded kind of good in a way. It had been a long ride. Or should he just try and act natural? Suggest lunch? He fidgeted and looked over at Buffy. She looked as confused as he did.

"What do you want to do, pet?"

He wanted to slap his forehead for sounding like a total ponce. He was the man. Shouldn't he have control of the situation? His eyes fluttered closed as he waited for her to answer.

"Honestly?"

"Yeah, honestly," Spike said, gearing up for the fact that she would probably suggest something fun like going shopping or something.

"Racing you to the couch," Buffy said, with a big grin. She gave him a second to absorb what she said before she took off down the hall.

Spike was right behind her. Laughing, they skidded around the corner into the living room. He grabbed Buffy around the waist, pulling her down onto the couch with him. 

"Ooomph," Buffy muttered as he landed on her.

"Sorry."

She wiggled around until she was facing him. Her hands were already reaching for his belt. He reached for the fastenings on her jeans. He missed. 

"God damn it," Spike said, trying to get his fingers to do what he wanted.

"Don't worry about it," Buffy said, giggling. "We're into teamwork now. Kiss me. I'll get us undressed."

"That's not the…"

"Get me…wet…and ready for you," Buffy said coquettishly as she looked up at him through her lashes.

"Oh, baby," Spike said, as fierce desire coursed through him at her words. He lowered his head to nibble along her neck, kiss the corner of her mouth, then to dart his tongue inside her mouth. He followed the directions her hands were giving. He raised his hips so she could lower his zipper. Her tiny hand stroked his already hard length before she pushed his jeans down over his hips. "Hurry…I want you now," he muttered against her ear while rubbing himself against her hip.

"Me too, me too," Buffy said, as she turned her attention to her own pants. One shoe got kicked off and one leg was kicked free. It was enough.

Spike moved, looking down into her eyes as he settled between her legs. Home. He was almost home. She was there before he had to ask…leading him to her entrance.

"Stop, oh geesh stop," Buffy said, pushing him away before he could thrust inside her. 

"What's wrong?"

"I haven't been taking my pills," Buffy said. "We have to use a condom."

"In the bathroom," Spike said, gritting his teeth. His body screamed it's frustration at him. They had been so close to fulfilling weeks of accumulated needs and fantasies. 

"Move now," Buffy said, pushing at him. "I can't get it unless you get off me."

Spike rolled off of her. Grinning, he realized she was in as much of a frenzy as he was. The knowledge stoked his manly pride. It was for him. There wasn't anyone else that had been able to fulfill this woman's desires enough for her to give all of herself to. 

"Oh, oh, no, no," Buffy said, as she pitched face forward onto the floor, tripped by the jeans that were still half on her.

"You all right?" Spike asked shaking his head to clear his thoughts. 

She flipped over and desperately tried to untangle her pants from around her legs. 

"Don't laugh," Buffy warned but started giggling herself as her shoe was thrown across the room. He laughed with her as she got her pants off but left her sock on. She ran from the room still wearing her shirt and the one sock. The sight of her bare bottom disappearing from the room sent him after her. He couldn't wait. Besides the bedroom was back there. He was almost there when she came careening out of their room, not noticing him at first. 

"Ahhhhh," Buffy screeched, holding her hands to her chest. "You scared the crap out of me."

"Couldn't wait," Spike said, reaching for her but it threw him off balance. On his way down he grabbed Buffy, they hit the wall then the floor. "Bloody hell…"

"It's okay," Buffy said, shifting. "Right here is fine." Her arms wound around his neck as she peppered his face with kisses. "I just need you."

"The rug," Spike muttered, trying to move them. She flashed him a questioning look. "Splinters or rug burn, pet?"

"Rug burn" Buffy said, with a grin. They wiggled over onto the hall runner. "You can't get the splinters out and I am not asking anyone else to do it."

"I'd have to kill them," Spike said, nipping at her breast through the softness of her t-shirt. "Get it on…the rubber."

"Oh, have mercy," Buffy muttered, ripping the packet open. "The only thing I've put one of these things on was a banana in health class."

"Lovely…"

"Don't worry," Buffy said, rolling it down his length. She patted his erection before pulling him between her legs. "You are much more impressive."

"Knew there was a reason I loved you," Spike said, sighing in relief as this time he slid into her. She made this little breathy noise and looked up at him. Their eyes caught as all the levity disappeared from the moment. They were together again. He started to move slowly within her, thanking whoever that at least he could still do this. Her hands slid over him but their eyes never broke contact. It was more than their bodies joining, their hearts and souls weaved a spell around them. Everything fell away as they gave in completely to the love between them. 

~~~~~~~

The hushed tones of Buffy's voice roused Spike from his sleep. His hand slid across the bed to try and find her but she wasn't there. He looked around trying to get his bearings in the darkened bedroom. She wasn't in the room so he assumed she was in the living room. Rolling off the bed he automatically looked for something to put on. Deciding it would be too much of a struggle he shrugged and headed off to the living room.

The closer he got the clearer her voice became.

"Yeah, tomorrow night would be good. If there's a problem I'll call you back tonight but otherwise I'll call you in the morning to get the rest of the details."

Buffy smiled at him when he walked in the room. She was wrapped in an afghan, tucked in the corner of the couch with her feet curled under her. He headed to lean against the doorway to stare out over the ocean while she finished.

"Mom, please, I don't want to go through this again," Buffy said, sighing. "I told you that I was going to talk to Spike about it." She paused for a few moments. "It's my life…yeah, I know what your dreams are but…it's my life. Now I love you and I'll let you know what I'm doing. Bye."

Spike looked over his shoulder at her. She looked upset as she ran her fingers over the phone. She sighed again, watching him as he made his way toward her.

"What's going on, Luv?" Spike asked as he sat beside her. She immediately discarded the phone and curled up next to him.

"My mom and Angel's mom want to throw a party for you tomorrow night," She looked up at him. "Nothing too big. It'll just be the family."

"Which is huge," Spike said, laughing because he knew that family to them included all their friends. He kissed the top of her head. "That's fine, just as long as it's not tonight."

"Nope, tonight is ours."

He chuckled, both at her tone and her hand sliding along his stomach. "And the other? The one about it being your life."

Buffy sat up. Her nervousness was back. This time she ran her fingers along his arm. "I called Arnie about getting back on the schedule..,"

"Did he fire you?"

"No, no," Buffy said, shaking her head. "But he did make some decisions while I was gone. Umm, he wants to change some things at the bar, serve more food instead of just the basic appetizers. Clean it up and expand…that kind of stuff."

"And this has what to do with you?"

"He offered me an assistant manager position," Buffy said, looking up at him. "He was going to look for someone outside with experience but he said that a lot of people were asking about me while I was gone. They even filled a tip jar for me once they heard why I was gone. You know a little extra to help me out since I was out of work." It wasn't hard to tell that she was excited about being offered the job. Her eyes were dancing as she finished telling him about it. "Arnie said I'd be a natural for the job, that I know the bar and I know the customers. He said the same thing you did about me being able to work the floor, keeping everybody happy."

"Your mom doesn't approve?" 

Her face fell and she shook her head. "No, she wants me to follow my original courses for law…Spike, I hate it. I've really tried to get back into school but I'm dying of boredom…and frustration."

Buffy's voice had gotten lower until her words were barely audible by the time she finished. He never would have hurt her by saying so but he had been surprised when he had found out that she was going to resume her pre-law classes next semester. She had told him once that she hadn't gotten it before but had thought that maybe this time around she could. He just couldn't see anyone as vibrant as she was being so confined by the court system.

"You've been having trouble in your classes?"

"Yeah, I think I'm failing," Buffy whispered. She turned and put her feet on the coffee table. "I'm not like you and Willow. I'm just not book smart."

_How the hell do I handle this? _

"What do you want to do? Deep down in your gut?"

"Arnie's offer is like a life line," Buffy said, holding his hand. "I want to do it. Maybe take restaurant management courses while I help him out."

"There's no shame in doing what makes you happy," Spike said.

"Tell that to my parents. I feel like I've always been a disappointment to them because I didn't share their love of books and the arts. I mean I read but…"

"Maybe you have an aversion to reading because you feel like it's expected of you."

Buffy nodded. "Maybe and maybe that goes for college too. They both have Master's degrees and little old me…the waitress."

"Don't baby, don't," Spike said, burying his nose in her hair. He kissed her neck. "You are perfect. You're all grown up and you're mine. Do what makes you happy. I love you, all of you."

"So, you don't mind if I take the job?"

"Nope, you can always change your mind again if you want," Spike said. "I just want you happy."

The sunbeam was back on her face as she straddled him. "I love you so much," Buffy whispered. She kissed him quickly. "Maybe if you read to me in bed…I could learn to like it."

"Hey, it's your job to read to me," Spike said, managing to get the afghan off of her. "You still have to finish The Hobbit." 

"We'll take turns," Buffy said, grinning. "But right now it's my turn to be on top."

"Whatever you want, pet…whatever you want…"

~~~~~~~

Buffy was practically humming as she brushed her teeth. The whole day had been almost magical, filled with a lot of making love and a lot of planning for their future. The ring was still on her finger and neither of them had brought it up. She wasn't worried though. Spike was opening up more and more about his feelings and his hopes for them. 

"I keep waking up and you're gone," Spike said, almost angrily. 

"I…I'm sorry," Buffy said, rinsing her mouth quickly. _Please don't let him start a fight…not now, not after we've had such a good day._ She turned back to him but he was right behind her. "I had to go to the bathroom and decided to brush my teeth while I was here." 

"I missed you." 

"I'm right here," Buffy said, hating that she felt flustered. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before wrapping her arms around him. "I love you."

"You'd better," Spike whispered fiercely before covering her mouth with his. The kiss was passionate and demanding. His tongue commandeered her mouth in an effort to conquer her body. Buffy felt the edge of the counter digging into her bottom but she was trapped between him and it. All she could do was hang on as he bent her back, his mouth slipping along her throat. He nipped at the tender spot where her shoulder met her neck. She knew he was leaving a hickey and a chill ran through her.

"Mine," Spike said, licking where he had just bitten. His mouth moved down to claim her breast, sucking the nipple into his mouth while his hands dug into her hips. "Get a condom." He pulled back to look down at her.

Buffy only nodded, fumbling when she opened the drawer to pull one out. He'd never been like this before. Every other time they had made love he'd been gentle, passionate, or playful but never had he been this aggressive. A part of her wanted to cry because it was confusing her. But another part wanted to see it through. To dip her toe into the darker side she knew he possessed and see if she could survive. If her love could survive the truth of whom he had been before.

Obediently she put the condom on him before looking to see what he wanted. His eyes were blazing with desire, making her body ready for him. What he did she wasn't prepared for as he turned her around to face the mirror. She spread her legs apart, making it easier for him to enter her. Thankfully he did without any help. Her eyes remained glued to the shadow between her legs of him entering and leaving her.

"You're mine," Spike whispered. His hands were still on her hips, holding her where he needed her to be. "I don't like waking up alone. Do you understand?"

Buffy nodded, glancing up to meet his eyes in the mirror. She noted the wide eyed look on her face as she struggled to keep herself from crashing into the counter. Her hands were planted on the edge and with each thrust she was pushed to her tip toes.

"Yes…," Buffy said. "I love you, Spike."

Suddenly she grinned and when he caught her, he smiled along with her. It only confirmed what she had just figured out.

"What are you…smiling about…at a time like this?" Spike managed to ask between thrusts that were building in force.

"You…how beautiful you are," Buffy said. "Nothing matters but us."

Spike only nodded as they became lost to the pull between them. He molded himself to her back as his orgasm overtook him. His arms were loving when she turned into his embrace. She realized the past didn't matter. It was her that he loved. It was her that had helped to heal his broken soul. The darkness of their past was illuminated by the love they shared and she knew she had nothing to fear. She knew she could trust him with all of her.

_To be continued…_


	42. Dreaming

**Chapter 42 – Dreaming**

For years it had been a habit to go outside to have his first smoke of the day. Now his fingers just itched because there was nothing there. Spike sighed, shifting in the lounger, as he gazed out on the wide expanse of the Pacific. His confinement in the hospital had rendered him unable to indulge his habit. Now that he was home, he didn't want to start up again so he made a mental note to have Buffy pick up the patch. They had eased his cravings while he was confined and he hoped they would help him over the worst of it.

It was another adjustment in the life he wanted to make with Buffy.

"Here's breakfast," Buffy said, cheerily as she put the tray down on the small table beside him. 

"Looks good," Spike said, eyeing the platter filled with cut-up fresh fruit and bagels smeared with cream cheese. He held his arms out to Buffy before she could sit in the chair across from him. "No hanky panky I promise, just want to hold you."

Buffy settled across his lap, her bottom on one side of his legs and her feet on the other side. She reached for a bagel half, handed it to him then took one for herself. Her hair, still damp from her shower tickled at his fingers as he ran his hand across her back. 

"Thank you for everything, pet."

"You don't have to thank me," Buffy said. "It's what I wanted to do."

"Not just thanking you for what you've done since the accident," Spike said, shaking his head. He dropped his bagel back on the plate. "For believing since the beginning, in me, in us, for the life we're building."

"I love you, Spike," Buffy said, gazing at him with conviction filling the depths of her emerald eyes. "I have since the beginning…," she laughed. "Not quite the beginning but that first night. You stood up for me, you took care of me. It's not something I'm used to but I feel safe with you."

"Nobody's ever believed in me the way you do, Luv," Spike said softly. "I want you to know they weren't just words said in the heat of the moment. You make me feel like a man, make me want to be a man…make me want to give you the world."

"I just want you," Buffy said.

"I know that, too," Spike said, smiling. "My little Miss Independent."

She beamed at him. There was nothing as beautiful as when Buffy smiled. She lit up from the inside making him want to do anything he could to keep her happy. 

He swallowed. 

Everything inside told him it was time. He had thought about taking her out for a fancy dinner or something else romantic but he didn't want to wait until he was fully recuperated. He glanced down at the ring on her finger. Her body tensed when she followed his gaze, but she continued to eat her bagel. 

"Remember the last time I was here," Spike said, returning his eyes to her face. _May as well just jump into this and hope I don't bugger it up_. "You asked me if I thought we'd make it."

"Yeah," Buffy whispered. She put the bagel down and sucked cream cheese from her finger. "I remember."

"So, what do you think we'll be doing in twenty years?" Spike asked, mentally kicking himself because he knew he should have rehearsed this. The happiness that had been so pervasive a few moments ago was being replaced by worry. In his nervousness he threw out the first thought he latched onto. "I mean do you think we'll still be living in this house?" 

_Stupid fool…just tell her how you feel and what you want._

"No," Buffy said, shaking her head. She closed her eyes for a second then met his bravely. "There's no back yard for our kids to play in."

Spike could hear the challenge in them. If he mucked this up then he would probably lose her completely. Giving himself a chance to figure out how to say what he wanted, he glanced around at their surroundings. It clicked that she was right. The verandah went directly onto the beach leaving no place for children to really play. No place for a swing set either. He'd always envisioned having a large backyard covered in perfect, even grass. There would be the swing set and a hammock, a place for the kids to play and a dog to run. This house couldn't provide that. 

"You're right," Spike said, smiling. "The suburbs it will be so we can have a yard for the kids. You up for a dog?"

"A dog," Buffy said, giggling as she got into his game. "I guess we'll have SUVs or minivans by then."

"How about a cat and a really big bathtub for us?"

"Oh, definitely," She said. "And for the holidays the family can come to us."

"I'm cooking," Spike laughed.

"You won't hear me argue about that," Buffy said, then snapped her fingers, "And oh yeah, I want…"

~~~~~~~~

_20 years later_

The heat from the oven blasted onto Spike's face making him draw back. He waited for a moment before dipping the baster into the juices from the turkey he was cooking. Over the years he had gotten into the American holiday of Thanksgiving as much as Buffy did. It was always good to have everyone over for the day. 

He felt a hand cupping his ass, rubbing it, before fingers slipped into his back pocket. The rush between them hadn't faded over the years. He straightened up, threw the oven mitt on the counter, and then turned to his wife. She was still as beautiful as the day he had met her. 

"Come here, Luv," Spike growled, wrapping his arms around her. She managed only a tiny squeak before his lips descended on hers. His tongue slipped into her mouth enjoying the taste of her.

"Oh, my god," Dawn, their sixteen year old daughter yelped. "I'm sitting right here. Do you two have to do that?"

Grinning, Spike broke the kiss and looked over at Dawn. "How the hell do you think we got you?"

"Eew, scar me much?"

He laughed at their only child. They had wanted more but the fates had decided otherwise. So, all their attention had been lavished on the tiny daughter who had to fight to live after being born prematurely. Somewhere in the house were their two dogs and one cat that completed their immediate family.

_It's a good life we have_, Spike thought as he rocked Buffy in his arms and contemplated the time between their first year and this one. 

There had been a lot of struggles in the first few years, including a few months of separation when it had become too difficult for them to hold everything and each other together. Eventually their love had reunited them again and they had finally married four years after they met.

He was the marketing director for _Masters Shipping_ after working his way up from a college attending intern. Buffy had found that running a restaurant was something that she loved. A few years after signing on to help Arnie; she had started to invest in The Edge until she was an owner of forty-nine percent. Their house was a large two-story Tudor on a quiet cul-de-sac not far from where the O'Connor's once lived. Angel's parents had retired to Phoenix while Buffy's parents had moved into a retirement community that could help with Joyce's care. 

Their lives couldn't exactly be described as exciting but they had each other. It was something they had learned was a precious gift. To be cherished, fought for and given their top priority. They had been blessed with having their families close except for Emily and Larry who they had maintained close contact with. And most of their friendships had stood the test of time.

Xander and Anya had broken up shortly before their planned nuptials. Xander was working as a crew boss on a ship that was currently sailing the Orient. Anya had moved to New York City where she owned another small mystical shop. Willow was in a permanent relationship with another woman named Kennedy. In a horrible twist of fate, Tara had been murdered in a convenience store robbery almost ten years previously. Wesley and Faith were married with a large brood of children. Their six children ranged from nineteen to three but they were all loved and cared for. And Cordelia became a fashion powerhouse with her own designer line which Buffy was one of the lucky recipients of some of the cast offs. 

Angel was still their closest friend even though he lived in England permanently now. His wife Darla and he had one child, Liam O'Connor. He hated the name and went by…

"Connor…ohmigod," Dawn squealed. "They're here."

Dawn took off running, separating her parents as she made a mad dash toward the back stairs.

"Where the bloody hell are you going?" Spike asked, grabbing her hand. "I thought you were waiting for them."

Buffy laughed and slapped gently at his hand. "Let her go."

"Why?"

"Daddy, he can't know I was waiting," Dawn whined and flashed him a standard 'parents are so dumb' look. "It would be obvious."

Footsteps at the backdoor sent Dawn into a tailspin. She yanked her hand away and darted up the stairs. Spike watched her leave then turned to Buffy.

"That makes no sense."

"Yes, it does," Buffy said, kissing him quickly. "She's sixteen."

Giving up, Spike headed for the back door to let their friends in. Later that day as he was surrounded by people he loved, Spike could only be thankful that he had found the courage to open his heart all those years ago…

~~~~~~~~

"…a huge bed," Buffy finished, with a sigh.  She smiled at Spike. "I have this tendency to fall on my face when we're having sex. Maybe if the bed is big enough then I'll be safe."

"Yeah, but your butt is so cute when it's swaying in the wind."

She swatted him playfully before reaching over to get a piece of cantaloupe. It was great to play make believe but it wasn't real. Every sign was there that he wanted them to make a full commitment. Besides this game was the fact that he was telling her that he loved her, he had gone along when Lorne had assumed they were engaged, and the conversation they had the day before.

_You're mine._

Those two little words had sent a thrill through her. She knew he belonged to her but she wanted to hear the words. For Spike to say that he wasn't holding onto any more doubts. His gaze had returned to her hand.

"So, you've decided we'll still be together in twenty years?" Buffy asked, prodding him a little. They hadn't gotten this far without her doing it, what was a little more?

"Yeah," Spike said. "I think so." He glanced up at her then back to the ring. "Do you like it, pet?" He nodded toward it.

"It's beautiful," Buffy said, holding your hand out so it sparkled in the morning sun. "Angel said it was your grandmother's."

"She wore it for almost sixty years. From the day he proposed to the day she died."

"They must have loved each other very much."

"They did," Spike agreed, letting his head fall back on the lounger. "I didn't really have a plan yet for giving it to you." He laughed. "Or when…"

Tears stung Buffy's eyes as she cut him off. "Do you want me to take it off?"

"Yeah…"

In that fraction of a second that Spike paused, Buffy's heart was on the edge of shattering. That one tiny word bore the power of a tornado thundering down upon one small sapling. All of her hopes fluttered wildly in the oncoming destruction of her dreams. Her foot dangled off the edge of the lounger in preparation for her flight from the pain that was coming.

"But knowing my hands right now I'm afraid I'd drop it," Spike said, laughing. Blind to the terror he had given her. "It would roll off into the sand and we'd never find it so I could put it back on you properly."

Her hand closed in a protective gesture to hold onto the ring. She turned to look up at Spike as the first few tears began to fall. 

"You mean…?" Buffy sniffled.

"Oh, Luv," Spike said, his eyes widening. "You didn't think that I was going to take it back, did you?" She nodded. "Come here." He held his arms wide, waiting until she snuggled into him before closing them around her. "I love you, Buffy Anne Summers." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm not afraid to say that anymore. You made me believe again." He sighed softly. "I just wanted to take you out when the time was right. Make you feel really special then pop the question. Figured that way you wouldn't say no."

His words were a healing balm to her remaining fears. It was what she had been waiting to hear for so long. 

"I wouldn't say no…" Buffy said softly.

"So, we're going to do this?"

"Do what?" Buffy sat up with a mischievous smile on her face. She wasn't going to let him off the hook. Not now. Not after almost destroying her.

"Shag?" Spike asked, trying to maintain a serious face. "It's been almost six hours since the last time."

"Bastard," Buffy declared, crossing her arms. "If you keep teasing me and beating around the bush, you'll never get…shagged again."

"Oh," Spike said, letting his brows furrow. "Hmm, you know my memory is shot these days…oh, I know, we're supposed to go shopping, right?"

"Ooooh, you are getting in so much trouble."

"That wasn't it, was it?" Spike asked with a dramatic sigh. "I'm so confused. Am I supposed to…?"

Fed up with him playing, Buffy started tickling him. Her fingers danced along his rib cage until he was laughing uncontrollably. He kept trying to push her away but couldn't do it. The back of the lounger fell back so that Spike was lying prone with Buffy on top of him. 

"Stop it, pet, stop it," Spike pleaded. "I'm going to piss my pants."

"I don't care, you're mean, and horrible, and rotten, and…and…"

"Will you marry me?"

Buffy froze. Shook her head and looked down at him. Spike smiled up at her with his hands resting on her hips while she leaned on his chest.

"What?"

"Pet, I can't promise you a perfect life but I can promise you that I'll try with all my heart. I don't want to ever face another day of being without you. Will you spend your life with me? Be my wife?"

"Yes…yes…yes," Buffy said, not giving him a chance to back out. She shifted until they were lying face to face. She started to kiss him between words.  "I love you…love you…so much…you're perfect."

Spike decided that listening to his mother had been a good idea. It did pay to go a lady's aid. He had and it had led him to a woman that would love him with an undying, unconditional love. 

Buffy truly was his lady, his lover and his life. 

~~~The End~~~


End file.
